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Thread: Hot one minute cold the next.

  1. #1
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    Hot one minute cold the next.

    So I was kinda seeing this guy last year (long distance) didnít end well at Christmas but plucked up the courage to message him in late January to see how he was.

    Anyway cutting a long story short we got talking again and it was like nothing had happened between us. A few weeks ago he was messaging me constantly and invited me to go away with him to visit some mutual friends which I was up for. That night he suggested that we met up he also rang me and we were on the phone for almost two hours just laughing and joking and catching up. Once that phone call ended he was messaging me telling me he couldnít wait to see me again and that heíd missed me. Everything seemed perfect. He even suggested coming to see me and pick me up so we could travel together. Asked him the next morning if he meant what he said to me and his reply was ďof courseĒ.

    After that he seemed kinda distant so I brought up it I was still seeing him and due to work commitments he said that we could still meet up and go away but Iíd have to make my own way there which is fair enough as I know his job is stressful and he lives miles away. Anyway I looked into getting there and it wasnít going to be as easy as planned so he suggested that maybe he could come and see me when he was off work and make a few days of it. Then we were talking like normal again.

    But since then when we were talking he seemed distant in his messages so I gave him a few days until I replied to which he read and then Iíve heard nothing since and that was 10 days ago.

    Now I know heís not one to message all the time which is fair enough but surely if you like someone you want to talk to them especially after what he said to me not that long ago. I did mess up last year and Iím paranoid now that Iíve done something, god knows why because I havenít. Iím also kinda annoyed/upset because he seemed so genuine in what he was saying. Now I want to ask him whatís going on without sounding needy and I know weíre not actually an item but Iím constantly overthinking about it all at the moment and itís driving me insane. I think Iíve got a right to have an answer in why heís being the way he is, but not sure how to approach the situation...

    Also I forgot to say on Valentineís Day he sent me a message wishing me a happy Valentineís Day and on my birthday he also sent me a nice message.

    Iím so confused right now.
    Last edited by Jessicajay; 03-19-2019 at 03:16 PM.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    He is not a man of his word. He said he would come pick you up and then he arbitrarily changed his mind.

    You say it's long distance. How many times have you actually seen him face to face? The main important thing to do is to look at his actions, not his words. He obviously lacks integrity. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

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    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jessicajay
    So I was kinda seeing this guy last year (long distance) didnít end well at Christmas but plucked up the courage to message him in late January to see how he was.

    I did mess up last year and Iím paranoid now that Iíve done something, god knows why because I havenít. Iím also kinda annoyed/upset because he seemed so genuine in what he was saying. .
    Jessicajay:

    It sounds to me like this guy may be getting a bit of revenge on you for whatever happened last year... I don't know what type of person he is or what actually happened, but by your comment admitting you "messed up", could that be what he is doing?

    It was you who messaged him in January, but now he is playing hot and cold... hmmm. makes me wonder...

    Don want to make you paranoid, you know him better, however, ask yourself if he is worth you worrying over and having your feelings hurt. Aren't there other guys that you can date that are in your area? so you don't have to be fixated on this one?

    I hate it when people make you wonder is going on and don't just come out and say what's on their mind... I feel for you

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    We worked together at the same place so spent a good 2 months together. Then when I left we spoke pretty much everyday and have done since well up until now and when I messed up before Christmas. I did see him for a few days September last year as well. I know I keep telling myself this, I just really really like him, we get on like a house on fire. I just canít cope with the hot and cold business and I want to ask him why but I know if he was that bothered about me heíd be messaging. Such a crap feeling.

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    Originally Posted by Afireblue
    Jessicajay:

    It sounds to me like this guy may be getting a bit of revenge on you for whatever happened last year... I don't know what type of person he is or what actually happened, but by your comment admitting you "messed up", could that be what he is doing?

    It was you who messaged him in January, but now he is playing hot and cold... hmmm. makes me wonder...

    Don want to make you paranoid, you know him better, however, ask yourself if he is worth you worrying over and having your feelings hurt. Aren't there other guys that you can date that are in your area? so you don't have to be fixated on this one?

    I hate it when people make you wonder is going on and don't just come out and say what's on their mind... I feel for you
    Yeah maybe, itís very rare for me to like someone tbh and when Iíve spent time with guys in the past itís rarely been for longer than a few weeks. Iíve found commitment very hard in the past but with this one it felt different.

    He just seemed so keen to see me again, heís honestly a nice guy and always told me that heíd be honest with me which he has been in the past.

    I just want to know why itís all hot and cold without sounding like a weirdo because we arenít together and technically we can do what the hell we want. Iím just annoyed for letting him make me feel this way.

  7. #6
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    Jessica, my guess is has some commitment issues/fears he's struggling with and probably has been for years, way before he started taking to you.

    Men (and women) with commitment issues/fears tend to come on strong and then suddenly, without warning, pull back, distance themselves.

    It's pretty standard, so personally I was not at all surprised to read your post.

    Also keep in mind, these men and women prefer DISTANCE and purposely seek out long distance and/or on line relationships for this reason. Everything is perfect until they begin discussing closing the distance, meeting in person or closing the gap.

    The reality of it freaks them out if you will. It's not about you or anything yo did -- it's about FEAR. His fear, of intimacy, of closeness, commitment, relationships.

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    I keep forgetting to add bits as stuff is coming back to me. But was even on about me meeting his parents and asking me to be a plus one for a wedding thatís happening soon. Talk about wrecking my head.

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    Originally Posted by Jessicajay
    I keep forgetting to add bits as stuff is coming back to me. But was even on about me meeting his parents and asking me to be a plus one for a wedding thatís happening soon. Talk about wrecking my head.
    Read my post -- pretty standard stuff Jessica for men/women struggling with commitment issues/fears.

    Try to not take it personally -- it's NOT you. Or anything you did, except maybe going along with his agenda and agreeing to meet, which any woman would do under the same circumstances.

    This is a huge ref flag, the man cannot handle the same type of close and intimacy you can. He pushes for it, then freaks out.

    I would start distancing yourself Jessica, that would be the smart thing to do, I'm sorry.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jessicajay
    Yeah maybe, itís very rare for me to like someone tbh and when Iíve spent time with guys in the past itís rarely been for longer than a few weeks. Iíve found commitment very hard in the past but with this one it felt different.

    He just seemed so keen to see me again, heís honestly a nice guy and always told me that heíd be honest with me which he has been in the past.

    I just want to know why itís all hot and cold without sounding like a weirdo because we arenít together and technically we can do what the hell we want. Iím just annoyed for letting him make me feel this way.


    If he really is a nice guy like you say he is, then tell him what's bothering you.

    Tell him on the phone or in person, not text, how you feel.

    Something like, hey, I wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind... I don't want to make any assumptions, so I rather asked you directly as you and I have always been honest with each other and I'd like to continue to be.... and JUST ASK

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    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Rather than go by his words, I would have paid more attention to what he didn't mention initially, "Can we try again?" With that said, If he truly wanted to get back together he would have made that clear while backing it up by actions in order to prove his intentions.

    Either way, and no offense intended, but he sounds like a bag of wind. JMO...

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