Hot one minute cold the next.

So I was kinda seeing this guy last year (long distance) didn’t end well at Christmas but plucked up the courage to message him in late January to see how he was.

Anyway cutting a long story short we got talking again and it was like nothing had happened between us. A few weeks ago he was messaging me constantly and invited me to go away with him to visit some mutual friends which I was up for. That night he suggested that we met up he also rang me and we were on the phone for almost two hours just laughing and joking and catching up. Once that phone call ended he was messaging me telling me he couldn’t wait to see me again and that he’d missed me. Everything seemed perfect. He even suggested coming to see me and pick me up so we could travel together. Asked him the next morning if he meant what he said to me and his reply was “of course”.

After that he seemed kinda distant so I brought up it I was still seeing him and due to work commitments he said that we could still meet up and go away but I’d have to make my own way there which is fair enough as I know his job is stressful and he lives miles away. Anyway I looked into getting there and it wasn’t going to be as easy as planned so he suggested that maybe he could come and see me when he was off work and make a few days of it. Then we were talking like normal again.

But since then when we were talking he seemed distant in his messages so I gave him a few days until I replied to which he read and then I’ve heard nothing since and that was 10 days ago.

Now I know he’s not one to message all the time which is fair enough but surely if you like someone you want to talk to them especially after what he said to me not that long ago. I did mess up last year and I’m paranoid now that I’ve done something, god knows why because I haven’t. I’m also kinda annoyed/upset because he seemed so genuine in what he was saying. Now I want to ask him what’s going on without sounding needy and I know we’re not actually an item but I’m constantly overthinking about it all at the moment and it’s driving me insane. I think I’ve got a right to have an answer in why he’s being the way he is, but not sure how to approach the situation...

Also I forgot to say on Valentine’s Day he sent me a message wishing me a happy Valentine’s Day and on my birthday he also sent me a nice message.

I’m so confused right now.

He is not a man of his word. He said he would come pick you up and then he arbitrarily changed his mind.

You say it's long distance. How many times have you actually seen him face to face? The main important thing to do is to look at his actions, not his words. He obviously lacks integrity. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

So I was kinda seeing this guy last year (long distance) didn’t end well at Christmas but plucked up the courage to message him in late January to see how he was.

 

I did mess up last year and I’m paranoid now that I’ve done something, god knows why because I haven’t. I’m also kinda annoyed/upset because he seemed so genuine in what he was saying. .

Jessicajay:

It sounds to me like this guy may be getting a bit of revenge on you for whatever happened last year... I don't know what type of person he is or what actually happened, but by your comment admitting you "messed up", could that be what he is doing?

It was you who messaged him in January, but now he is playing hot and cold... hmmm. makes me wonder...

Don want to make you paranoid, you know him better, however, ask yourself if he is worth you worrying over and having your feelings hurt. Aren't there other guys that you can date that are in your area? so you don't have to be fixated on this one?

I hate it when people make you wonder is going on and don't just come out and say what's on their mind... I feel for you

We worked together at the same place so spent a good 2 months together. Then when I left we spoke pretty much everyday and have done since well up until now and when I messed up before Christmas. I did see him for a few days September last year as well. I know I keep telling myself this, I just really really like him, we get on like a house on fire. I just can’t cope with the hot and cold business and I want to ask him why but I know if he was that bothered about me he’d be messaging. Such a crap feeling.

Jessicajay:

 

It sounds to me like this guy may be getting a bit of revenge on you for whatever happened last year... I don't know what type of person he is or what actually happened, but by your comment admitting you "messed up", could that be what he is doing?

 

It was you who messaged him in January, but now he is playing hot and cold... hmmm. makes me wonder...

 

Don want to make you paranoid, you know him better, however, ask yourself if he is worth you worrying over and having your feelings hurt. Aren't there other guys that you can date that are in your area? so you don't have to be fixated on this one?

 

I hate it when people make you wonder is going on and don't just come out and say what's on their mind... I feel for you

Yeah maybe, it’s very rare for me to like someone tbh and when I’ve spent time with guys in the past it’s rarely been for longer than a few weeks. I’ve found commitment very hard in the past but with this one it felt different.

He just seemed so keen to see me again, he’s honestly a nice guy and always told me that he’d be honest with me which he has been in the past.

I just want to know why it’s all hot and cold without sounding like a weirdo because we aren’t together and technically we can do what the hell we want. I’m just annoyed for letting him make me feel this way.

Jessica, my guess is has some commitment issues/fears he's struggling with and probably has been for years, way before he started taking to you.

Men (and women) with commitment issues/fears tend to come on strong and then suddenly, without warning, pull back, distance themselves.

It's pretty standard, so personally I was not at all surprised to read your post.

Also keep in mind, these men and women prefer DISTANCE and purposely seek out long distance and/or on line relationships for this reason. Everything is perfect until they begin discussing closing the distance, meeting in person or closing the gap.

The reality of it freaks them out if you will. It's not about you or anything yo did -- it's about FEAR. His fear, of intimacy, of closeness, commitment, relationships.

I keep forgetting to add bits as stuff is coming back to me. But was even on about me meeting his parents and asking me to be a plus one for a wedding that’s happening soon. Talk about wrecking my head.

I keep forgetting to add bits as stuff is coming back to me. But was even on about me meeting his parents and asking me to be a plus one for a wedding that’s happening soon. Talk about wrecking my head.

Read my post -- pretty standard stuff Jessica for men/women struggling with commitment issues/fears.

Try to not take it personally -- it's NOT you. Or anything you did, except maybe going along with his agenda and agreeing to meet, which any woman would do under the same circumstances.

This is a huge ref flag, the man cannot handle the same type of close and intimacy you can. He pushes for it, then freaks out.

I would start distancing yourself Jessica, that would be the smart thing to do, I'm sorry.

Yeah maybe, it’s very rare for me to like someone tbh and when I’ve spent time with guys in the past it’s rarely been for longer than a few weeks. I’ve found commitment very hard in the past but with this one it felt different.

 

He just seemed so keen to see me again, he’s honestly a nice guy and always told me that he’d be honest with me which he has been in the past.

 

I just want to know why it’s all hot and cold without sounding like a weirdo because we aren’t together and technically we can do what the hell we want. I’m just annoyed for letting him make me feel this way.

If he really is a nice guy like you say he is, then tell him what's bothering you.

Tell him on the phone or in person, not text, how you feel.

Something like, hey, I wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind... I don't want to make any assumptions, so I rather asked you directly as you and I have always been honest with each other and I'd like to continue to be.... and JUST ASK

Rather than go by his words, I would have paid more attention to what he didn't mention initially, "Can we try again?" With that said, If he truly wanted to get back together he would have made that clear while backing it up by actions in order to prove his intentions.

Either way, and no offense intended, but he sounds like a bag of wind. JMO...

People who run hot and cold/send mixed messages, just aren't into you. A person who's into you will make you feel like the special person you are and makes you a priority because he knows he will lose you (if you have healthy self esteem) if he doesn't treat you right.

Long distance relationships have a very high risk of failure when you barely knew each other when the long distance happened. You can't date at a normal pace, and aren't seeing the reality of day to day life that your partner is leading.

And you yourself probably think he's so appealing because you said you lose interest in someone after a few weeks, and that's locally, so you might be commitment avoidant as well by finding a LDR more attractive. If you did something causing him to walk away from you that you're avoiding mentioning, admit that you didn't care enough about him at that point anyway, or you wouldn't have taken that risk or performed the egregious behavior.

He's a challenge, and some people get really excited when presented with a challenge, even though it's not in their best interest to pursue their hearts desire. People who are into you don't make you chase them and they don't ignore you. Hold out for a guy who makes it crystal clear he's crazy about you.

Let him go. It shouldn't be this difficult so early on. You've misplaced your trust and are working cyclically (in the same go-nowhere cycle). Your first mistake was allowing yourself to become attached through a phone, long phone conversations. Your second mistake was in looking for ways to meet up with him and not being realistic about the distance. By then you've already invested so much thought and time into meeting this person that you feel helpless when the ideal outcome doesn't present itself: basically, interactions with this person don't produce the effect that comes with knowing someone worth knowing.

Resist investing your time and thoughts this way. Be careful about how you choose your company and what you do with that company.

People who run hot and cold/send mixed messages, just aren't into you. A person who's into you will make you feel like the special person you are and makes you a priority because he knows he will lose you (if you have healthy self esteem) if he doesn't treat you right.

Agree! I feel like the book needs to be mandatory reading for any woman (or man) that steps into the dating pool.

This isn't about him being afraid of commitment, this is about him not wanting to commit to you OP. Let this guy go and find someone that actually wants to invest the time in a relationship with you.

Agree! I feel like the book needs to be mandatory reading for any woman (or man) that steps into the dating pool.

 

This isn't about him being afraid of commitment, this is about him not wanting to commit to you OP. Let this guy go and find someone that actually wants to invest the time in a relationship with you.

Well there are folks who have a general fear of commitment, fear of intimacy etc (my brother is one and have posted about him on multiple occasions) it's deep rooted and complicated.

But in this case, you are probably right!

This is a long-distance situation. It's super easy to get lost in the excitement of meeting, but when it comes time to actually DO IT, you find reality presents itself. Schedules don't align, cost, times, how long, how much time can anyone get off of work...it goes on and on. It wouldn't surprise me that planning the family vacation is grounds for divorce. It's hard enough to schedule with people you live and spend time with regularly; exponentially more difficult with someone you never see.

LDRs are situations that fail more than they succeed. I also feel that perhaps he's just not that into you...it would be slightly easier to plan...he seems to like having the attention and the idea of a relationship, but actually following through is is a completely different story.

Some of this is normal anxiety...taking unraveled parts and pieces and slowly drawing these things together into a cohesive plan...normal anxiety, normal reservations. Time off work, cost, schedules. I can see feeling totally dejected when plans fail and a new plan has to start. Some of this seems as if he is less into you as you are him. You're ready to schedule a flight six weeks from now...he is not. He sure likes fantasizing about it though...I miss you...we could...let's plan...

Let it go. I have no idea how you possibly "messed up," but I suspect it had to do with him just not being into you and not wanting to pursue this long-distance relationship to the same degree as you.

Let him go. If you have an event in that area, let him know and see if he's free...you are going for other reasons and have other plans, but surely if he can, you'd love to see him. Same for him...if he's in the area, he can let you know and see if you're free. You can plan an evening or a day...don't plan on taking the whole weekend or week off. He can fend for himself while you're at work...he can stay in a hotel.

Stop turning this into more than it is. The fantasy is fantastic. The reality is a different story.

You are right that you do deserve an answer and that answer lies within you, not him. The question isn't why did he say the things he did and then go cold. The question is, what Jessica are your standards/expectations from a guy you are dating. Is it ok to go days and days without texting/communicating? Is it ok to make arrangements and then not follow through? If these behaviors are not acceptable to you then why are you waiting for him to provide you with an excuse as to why he behaved in this way? Will some excuse he comes up with make you change your standards? The going insane stuff comes form changing your expectations based on the person you are dating, rather than changing the person you are dating to meet your expectations.

The comments he made about meeting his parents and being his wedding date etc., this is future faking stuff, these comments are made to entice you into thinking there is real commitment potential. But commitment needs to develop slowing over time, even when you are reuniting and it is something communicated through actions not words. When a guy future fakes, he is being a salesmean trying to sell you a product, a relationship that will look the way you want it to look. If he was sincere he'd be showing that not telling you about it.

Most LDR's don't work out, sorry

Thanks guys, I did message him the other night and he replied instantly, I waited a while to reply and now absolutely nothing again even though he’s been online he’s just not bothered to read my message, he did tell me in his quick response that he was having a tough time at the moment but without sounding heartless I think pretty much everyone is but I’m sure you can still manage to read a message. . .I was sympathetic in my reply and answered the questions he asked me but to be online and not even read my message it says it all to me really.

I know what you mean about the long distance thing, it’s just that a lot of my friends have them where their partners lives in different countries etc and they’ve managed it. I thought it would work for us as he’s only a a few hours away. Wishful thinking I suppose.

I just want to have it out with him about what he’s said and why he’s led me on and given me false hope as it’s not fair to do that to someone you know who likes you. I have a guy that likes me but I see him as a friend but I wouldn’t dream of giving him false hope because I know he likes me.

Just cross at myself for allowing him to do that to me and now wishing that during that phone call that we had that I’d spoken to him about it and how he should stay stuff like that only if he means it.