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Thread: My mentally ill GF (22F) abused me (23M) for 2 years, eventually I cut myself

  1. #1

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    My mentally ill GF (22F) abused me (23M) for 2 years, eventually I cut myself

    Hello. This is my story. Sorry if you become confused, I might be sometimes lost in translation.

    TL : DR My mentally ill girlfriend was abusing me mentally for almost 2 years, restricting my life, threatening me that she will cut herself or commit suicide (eventually she cut herself in front of my eyes) I sacrificied my life for her, recently she fell in love with another guy and we’re both can’t get over it and don’t know what will happen.

    About me:
    I'm an almost 23 years old student. I have mental issues which started being serious back in middle school (2010). It's mostly about general anxiety (can’t calm down), social anxiety (rejecting invitations to parties, going out, skipping classes etc.), obsessive-compulsive disorders, low self-esteem and depression, personality - Neuroticism. I was doing „fine” until the end of the 1st year (grade) at university/college. I couldn’t handle my problems anymore, fell into depression, failed the 1st year (2015-2016). Next 6 months I spent in the dark room, not eating, not washing myself, depressed in bed. My parents took care of me, forced me to go to a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. It helped to some extent, I wanted to give myself another chance. It made me think a lot about myself and try to fix things.

    Meeting my girlfriend and me improving with my problems (July 2017):
    It took place after my psychotherapy has ended and I stopped taking pills. We met online, thanks to our internet mutual male friend who I met in an online game. We started flirting very quickly. After 2 weeks of talking I decided to drive to her home (400km/250 miles) away. We had sex on the second day of meeting in real life, I booked a hotel. I was a virgin, she wasn’t , for half a year she couldn’t believe me because apparently I was so good at it. She was really nervous about it but eventually she believed me. Everything was going as good and usual as it is in every new relationship in the beginning. I had free time (no work/studies), same as she did. We were spending more time together in real life than the time when we were at our homes (usually 2-3 weeks living together, 1-2 week break).

    After half a year she revealed to me her problems (February 2018):
    After 6 months she revealed to me that she used to have a really deep depression (and still does but less), social anxiety, lots of different mental issues about self low-esteem, her look, her future, her little knowledge and many more. I’m not even able to list all these things! I understood that her problems are a lot bigger than mine. I also honestly told her the truth about me.

    When I first visited her home I already noticed it was a poor (not wealthy) house in the countryside but I didn’t care about it. After some time I learned that her father is an alcoholic since a looong time (often skips work), her mother is useless and can’t do anything about it, his brother moved out long time ago and doesn’t care about what’s going on. Both parents earning a minimum wage working in the city, they also have a farm, they are not educated and very catholic. Father sometimes abused her minorly physically and usually mentally (for example – you’re gonna be noone anyway). She was given very little pocket money, being told to always eat at home – not away.

    Me being very supportive:
    Since beginning until the end (end – „current time”) I was always there for her. I can say that I sacrificied my life for her, my friends, parents, time, nerves and money. I’m very emphatic, I was telling her – „tell me about everything, we’re gonna try to fix it together”. I was trying my best to help her get out of her bad mood, her problems, comfort her, read about her problems, set up doctor’s appointments for her. I never shouted at her, I was always calm and listening, looking for a solution, even though sometimes I couldn’t handle it anymore and had occassional bursts of anger. I was also always helping her financially, whether it was buying suprise (no occasion) gifts, paying extra for food and shopping or paying for everything, buying common things which people use but she can’t afford (like a quality pillow, makeup accessories, event tickets, entertainment, a hair dryer or a boiling pot or a trash can). I can call it a sponsorship to some extent – I don’t earn my own money, I just come from a wealthier family.

    It felt like living two lives at once, having to deal with my problems and focusing on her ones. Being with her had an impact on me – I had someone to live for, to take care of, it made me partly forget about MY problems.

    And this is the time when her problems got on my nerves (around March 2018):
    I knew she had been hurting and cutting herself (wrists and thighs) repeatedly in the past, I saw the scars/marks on her body. Eventually she admitted it. I forced her to go to psychiatrist twice and I paid for it. She couldn’t afford any more meetings and pills. It made things a bit better for 2 months.

    She started „limiting/restricting me”. We were spending all the time 24 hours a week talking on TeamSpeak (online voice communication program), even sleeping online, not disconnecting unless one of us had to go out. We were both gamers even though we didn’t play much anymore. Few times when I wanted to play an online game with my male friends (who she got to know already) she was having a panic attack, threatening me – „Either you stay with me on TeamSpeak or I’m gonna hurt (cut) myself” –„You stay or I won’t forgive you” – „You stay or you’ll make me feel very bad” and similar sentences. The same reaction was applying to other situations – I couldn’t go out to McDonald’s to meet my male friend, I couldn’t go out to a club even though she clearly knows I’m not a „clubber” type of guy, I’m not looking at any other girls – we were both anxious „basement dwellers” to some extent. Another example – „If you don’t come to me now (in real life) you’ll regret it”. If I didn’t message her in the morning that I have waken up before her, she would fall into panic. Why though? All I can do outside of home is going to college or doing shopping. I was always telling her where I am, where I’m heading, same as she did when she was occassionally going out. Although it wasn’t like I can’t do anything – I was sometimes doing these things but she was angry at me. Eventually it came to a situation where she sent me a photo of her cut arm (with blood) to make me not play a game with friend and after a month she cut her thigh in front of my eyes. She was also freaking out about porn for the first 6 months – she thought that I’m watching it because apparently every man does. It makes her feel worse seeing better bodies. But I have never, even once, masturbated. I’m wondering why? but whatever, I just didn’t need it. Eventually she trusted me because I had strong evidences against her thought.

    Her moving out and living in an apartment in my city (October 2018):
    She told me she hasn’t finished high school due to her deep depression. It was before we met. I helped her finish school and most importantly pass her exit exam which has impact on where she applies to college, helped mentally, helped with learning and financially. I was driving her to a school everyday for a week, being supportive all the time. Her marks were average but she found studies in my city. I helped her look for a cheap apartment, helped with bringing all her stuff to a new place (a whole packed car).

    It was a new place for her and meeting new people at college. She was afraid that she will be alienated from new friends because she doesn’t have true friends (except for me), that they will not like her. Within time it turned out she „got into” a group of new people who got closer together. They set up a Discord server (text and voice comm. program). When I first found out about it in December I told her to uninstall it and don’t talk there. For the first serious time I started restricing her. I was afraid she will meet someone new and forget about me. She told me she needs it not to „fall out” of the group but she agreed to my rule. After some time I found out that she is uninstalling the program before I come to her and installing it again after I walk out of her room. I told her I know she’s lying and she cut herself in front of my eyes, I had to clean it and bandage it. I also allowed her to use the text chat there.

    27th of February, everything has collapsed:
    Everything was fine until this day. I was supposed to come to her apartment but she told me: „Don’t come today. My deep depression is back, I don’t want to see you, I don’t want you to see me”. I had a panic attack, didn’t know what happened. I couldn’t handle it anymore, I came to her at 11 PM. She wanted me to go back, didn’t want to touch me but I forced my stay for the night. She was crying, didn’t want to tell me what’s going on, didn’t want to look at me. For the next 2 days we were meeting (all the time she had the same mood) because she had appointments at both private gynecologist and psychiatrist which I forced and set up, I paid for it and paid for the pills.

    She stopped messaging me, stopped coming to a voice program server. I found out that she spents all the time talking to a new guy from her college group (they know each other for 5 months) and playing with him thanks to a new semi-expensive graphics card which I bought her for Valentines day 2 weeks ago. He is a part of this group of friends. On the next day she sent me a photo of a female streamer with big boobs and said „I found you a new girlfriend, she is a streamer so she can probably afford everything”.

    5th of March, honest conversation:
    Recently I’ve been to a psychiatrist, I got SSRI pills which make things worse in the beginning for 2-3 weeks before they actually start balancing and helping.

    I have an extra key to her apartment which I bought 2 days after 27th of Februray (she agreed but didn’t want it). For the whole week I didn’t know what’s going on, I was only suspecting she might be cheating on me. I was in her room, waiting for her to come back from classes.

    After an hour of talking and me forcing her to say what’s going on she said: „I don’t know if I love you anymore. I might not have feelings for you. I don’t know what’s going on with my head. I fell in love with this new guy (the one that I was worrying about). I hope I will just fell out of love with him, I want it to go away, how can I fall in love with someone else if I have you? Why did this happen? I dont understand it. I can’t be with you anymore, it’s not fair to you to be with a person who doesn’t love you. You have future ahead of you, you can’t waste it on me. I don’t know if it’s going to be the same ever again. I can’t look at you crying because I know I hurt you. I didn’t cheat on you, I couldn’t have done this to you (while we were together)”.

    I couldn’t believe what I heard. I wanted to save the situation, telling her it’s just a temporary fascination/infatuation/crush. I suggested we don’t break up today, we’re going to have a 2-3 weeks break for her to find out what she feels. She agreed and said: „We need this break, I need this break, there’s so much going on in my brain, I need time to figure it out”. She also said: „We need a break but we’re not together anymore”, „I don’t even know if he will pass my hard requirements and if he will understand me”. She told me she thinks about me and cries everyday at a random time.

    After this day she’s still talking to this guy all the time. They are also going out when they have free time.

    12th of March, I cut myself:
    I couldn’t wait this long, every single day since 27th of February I couldn’t focus on anything, been anxious, sweating, thinking, eating one snack a day, crying a lot. I lost 8 kg (17 lbs) in 2 weeks, I was already underweight before.

    I came to her apartment when she was at college. I bought her 9 roses and sweets, I drunk 400 ml (13,5 oz) of vodka, cut my wrist and thigh (not deeply), wrote a „letter” on a piece of paper (where I said I can’t believe what happened and I hope it will all sort out successfully) and I was waiting for her to come back. She came back from college, started crying and asking what and why I did it to myself. She called her female friend, her friend came instantly. We were sitting together, I was telling her all the things which I wrote above in this thread. Eventually she said that what I did isn’t helping her, nothing has changed, she only started worrying about me much more. She said she still needs one more week. I stayed for the night, we were sleeping in a spoon position (actually more because the bed is really small but she admitted that she likes it). When I was walking out of the room next morning, she on her own cuddled me for goodbye for 10 seconds but didn’t kiss.

    I know what I did was wrong. It was unnecessary and putting extra pressure on her. I don’t know what was my goal – maybe to make her care more? I couldn’t stand it anymore, it was also a relief for me – today I know it released my emotions and helped me.

    About the guy she fell in love with:
    After she told me that she fell in love with me I messaged this guy on facebook. I told him about my and my girlfriend situation, about ALL of her problems including self-harm (with photos), restricting me, her diffcult family. I mentioned she likes him. He told me he thinks he likes her but they are only friends from the college. That he doesn’t want to do any harm to any one of us and he knows something bad is going on with her. I mentioned that she’s a difficult person, that he also might be harmed if she changes her mind. I told him I still love her, I want this situation to return to the previous state. I also asked him to keep this conversation private, only to his eyes, not to harm my ex or not ex girlfriend.

    I have access to her Messenger, she knows about it. I know this guy is 1 year younger than her, has his own mental issues, this is what he messaged her after he was coming back home from a meeting with her 2 days ago: „It’s not that I’m not quick-witted, I’m just shy. It is my fault. Isn’t it stupid that we think about the same thing, we know that we think about the same thing but we still act like nothing has happened? I’m really awkward. I’m the most awkward person in the world. I’m such a pus*y in real life.” I know he was depressed because he couldn’t find any girlfriend and probably never had any before. He doesn’t know how to „get the girl going”, how to start things like kissing and further intimacy. He is very slow. He probably doesn’t know how to help her, what to tell her when she’s already telling him she doesn’t want to live, that she feels very bad, that she doesn’t have motivation to live, she sends him memes about death or depression (for example, there is an image with a list of suicide methods with a scale of how quick and how painful each method is).

    Obviously she is the one who forces it, she’s „on his di*k” already in her thoughts. He is also a similar type of a person, same as me (hobbies, music, games, activities), personality that she likes. Her pattern, her „workflow” and approach are very similar to the one we had in the beginning. Sending him lots of her best pictures, „sneaky” sex/pervert messages. Yesterday she started talking to him about „accidentally” touching his penis with her arm when they were sitting in bed. He falls a bit for this sex talk but is still shy. But I’m sure they didn’t start with any intimacy yet.

    Dealing with this girl requires high amounts of patience, sacrificies and a very strong mentality. My and few of my friends bet is that he will either not handle it (after she starts getting crazy constantly) or she will give up on him because he is weak. Logically this is not a guy for her, she is being driven by emotions.

    Yes, every 1 or 2 or 3 days she’s watching (comes across them accidentally or watches on purpose) our photos from wedding and just our together photos that she has on PC. Yes, I’m also ill, I have stealth access and I see what she does on PC. I know this is very bad. I did this because I didn’t know what was going on with her and this was my way to find out. I do not use it against her, knowing what she does calms me down but also puts in a stress. She also watched porn yesterday (it suprised me) and she got her period.

    Today:
    Tomorrow (on 20th of March) she is supposed to tell me what’s the current situation like. I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll have to wait even more time. Major part of me wants to still be with her, I know I’m the type of person who can easly forgive. I know she will eventually come to a realization that she made a mistake. Our bond was so strong, it’s not that easy to forget. She loved me so much, kissing me, hugging me, telling me all the good things. I trust that it was honest.

    Am I doing the right thing waiting for her to come back? I guess not but I don’t accept any other outcome. Is it possible to fall out of love so quickly? Is there any chance she will fix her feelings?

    Sorry for the thread being so long, I’m following the rule „The more descriptive, the better”. Congratulations to everyone who got through it, I really appreciate your help.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You mentioned paying for a few things. Where do you get your money? I'm asking out of curiosity.

  3. #3
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    This relationship is terrible for your mental health. She is the worst person to have in your life.

    Can you return to school or work? How do you support yourself?

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    This is very toxic! What you both are doing to each other is very unhealthy; the cutting, the keeping tabs on her, and her manipulative behavior.

    I suggest you block her and stay single until you get your issues figured out.

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  6. #5
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    Op, why would you be receptive to someone who abused for 2 years?

    You need to block and delete this woman. Are you on meds?

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You mentioned paying for a few things. Where do you get your money? I'm asking out of curiosity.
    I can call it a sponsorship to some extent – I don’t earn my own money, I just come from a wealthier family. Just parents' money. They are supportive but don't understand my problems. I don't spend much money on myself, I mostly spend it on food and cigarettes - I already own things I want. I got some money saved thus I also wanted to make her life a bit better with money's help.

    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    This relationship is terrible for your mental health. She is the worst person to have in your life.

    Can you return to school or work? How do you support yourself?
    Yes is it terrible but we were functioning alright in relationship, there was always a spark. One good thing was that if the situation was becoming bad, it was going back to normal fairly quickly (few hours or 1-2 days). I'm currently at 2nd grade at college and having very good marks (B-A). She also has very good marks tho she's at 1st grade. I went back to college again after 5 months of relationship with her.
    I support myself by talking to my real life friends and posting on an internet forum. A month ago I went to a psychologist (and few days later I took her to the same doctor - she chose her) and I got pills. I'm ordered to start psychotherapy again but I haven't started it yet. I consider starting meditating.

    Originally Posted by limichelle
    This is very toxic! What you both are doing to each other is very unhealthy; the cutting, the keeping tabs on her, and her manipulative behavior.

    I suggest you block her and stay single until you get your issues figured out.
    That's very true but I can't block her. Even if I'm single, I will be still worried about her for some time - this is a good part of me which brings me down. I certainly have to figure out my issues first but it's a tough challenge for me and a long path to take.

    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Op, why would you be receptive to someone who abused for 2 years?

    You need to block and delete this woman. Are you on meds?
    I put much trust and hope in her, I really wanted to save her life and help as much as I can (I know I'm not a professional). You can spit on my face, kick me, punch me but I'll always stay loyal, caring and loving. That's just who I am. Yes, I started taking 2 meds less than a month ago. They are supposed to make me calm and emotionless. I'll have to wait for the results.

  8. #7
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    Supporting someone to your detriment is not smart or healthy. She is a terrible partner for you. You cannot help her, she has to help herself. As you said you are not qualified and you have your own issues. Damn! This is your co dependency talking. This even resulted in a suicide attempt on your side. This is scary.

    Congrats on school and your grades. You are doing great!

    Please get away from her. Nothing good comes from staying in contact! "You can spit on my face, kick me, punch me but I'll always stay loyal, caring and loving." This is not a positive and part of the problem. You are tolerating abuse.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    You'll never fully move on and heal from this toxicity if you don't stop engaging with her and block every form of contact at least for now. Sometimes toxicity is addicting and some people confuse it with "the spark" you're talking about. But like any drug, if you want to be sober you need to stop getting fixes and suffer what you have to suffer during the abstinence stage in order to be happier and healthier in the future.

    Congratulations with your grades. Focus on building your life professionally, therapy, individual hobbies and getting strong a step at a time. I also suggest researching about co-dependency but I suppose that your therapist has already talked to you about it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Supporting someone to your detriment is not smart or healthy. She is a terrible partner for you. You cannot help her, she has to help herself. As you said you are not qualified and you have your own issues. Damn! This is your co dependency talking. This even resulted in a suicide attempt on your side. This is scary.

    Congrats on school and your grades. You are doing great!

    Please get away from her. Nothing good comes from staying in contact! "You can spit on my face, kick me, punch me but I'll always stay loyal, caring and loving." This is not a positive and part of the problem. You are tolerating abuse.
    Some people confuse accepting and tolerating being abused with altruism and being a good person. They have ingrained in their brains that if they leave the abuser, they are bad people. And many abusers take advantage of this and reinforce these ideas through emotional blackmail and manipulation.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    Some people confuse accepting and tolerating being abused with altruism and being a good person. They have ingrained in their brains that if they leave the abuser, they are bad people. And many abusers take advantage of this and reinforce these ideas through emotional blackmail and manipulation.
    I know, but it is sick and dangerous. He clearly knows that this is abusive and unhealthy.

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