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I Want (Not Need) Her Back


SesameOil

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This is a complicated story (aren’t they all)? I met my ex girlfriend online in July of 2017. I was 30, she was 18. Please do not rush to judgement. It was just a flirtation at first, but the more and more we spoke, we began to develop a very strong bond, and actually had a lot in common. I found myself growing to have feelings of love for her, which I expressed to her. This made her nervous at first, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to be in a relationship with me. I convinced her to meet me, and after months of speaking on the phone, texting all day every day, she agreed to meet me. We only lived a few hours away from each other.

 

I drove to her college and got a hotel room for us for the weekend. We didn’t sleep together. I didn’t want to rush things with her. By the end of that weekend, we both agreed. We were in love with each other. We began to plan our lives out and how we would make things work to be together. She would switch schools in a year to be closer to me. Until then, she moved back in with her parents. They are extremely overprotective of her and she had to keep our relationship a secret for now. They also had a tracker on her phone, which made seeing each other extremely difficult.

 

This naturally took it’s toll on me. We were fine for another 3 months or so, but not being able to see her as frequently as I desired made me lose trust in her, and frustrated me. I would lash out at her anytime she would go hang out with friends instead of making time for me. I wasn’t being understanding of her predicament. She would continually assure me that she would see me more if not for her parents. We would sneak off once a month or so, but after the fights we had, it was very difficult to recapture that magic we had initially. I maintained that it was because we just didn’t have the opportunity to be a real couple. She kept reiterating that she was in love with me, wanted to marry me, and have children with me.

 

But the fights kept happening. The worst was when I found out she went to a concert with her ex boyfriend. They grew up together and I knew they were best friends even before they had a relationship and still had a friendly bond. He also had a girlfriend, but it killed me. It stuck in my head and the next time we had plans together, she cancelled last minute because she had to visit a sick family friend in the hospital. I accused her of lying, which she wasn’t and she broke up with me. This was September of 2018. She said that I was callous and only cared about myself. This is patently untrue. All I ever wanted was to be able to spend more time with her. I know now that I got needy and desperate and this is what drove her to breaking up with me.

 

When we split, she told me that she was still in love with me, and wasn’t going to rule out anything down the road. Instead of going no contact, I kept at her, trying to get her to take me back. She refused and said that she wasn’t even sure if she was straight. That she may only like women. This was a shock to me and I reacted by going on Tinder and hooking up with three random girls. I did it to try and see if I would be fine moving on without her. But I also did it because I wanted to throw it back in her face. Which I did. And it devastated her. She said that even though we weren’t together she felt betrayed like I had cheated on her. We continued to talk things out. It was clear there were still feelings on both sides.

 

A month later, she asked me if I would go to an amusement park with her. I should have seen it for what it was, her trying to see if there was anything left between us. I made an overtly sexual advance on her and she wasn’t having any part of it. Still, we had a great time and I thought that there was a chance to rekindle. I told her this, but she said she didn’t feel the same way, but maybe in the future. I couldn’t take it anymore and flipped out on her. I told her to block my number and all social media, because I wouldn’t be strong enough to not contact her. This was a huge mistake on my part. Because I was still not strong enough not to contact her.

 

She left me unblocked on email and I would hit her up once every couple of days or so. I found out midway through December that she planned on moving across country to transfer to her dream school. I should have stopped contacting her then and there, but I am a glutton for punishment and still thought we might be able to make something work long distance. Any time I brought up our relationship, she would say that she still isn’t healed from our breakup, but maybe in the future. Maybe in the future.

 

I started to get drunk and would *67 my number and call her to get through the block. She didn’t mind at first. She was kind and understanding and would talk with me. Saying that she could never hate me even though I was being dumb. But then at the beginning of February, she got very mad and screamed at me that I was acting like a stalker. That I needed to stop contacting her and leave her alone. So I did. I stopped calling her. I sent her an email on Valentine’s Day, which she didn’t respond to. Then at the end of February, I sent another email reiterating my feelings... That one she replied to... She told me that I needed to move and and stop contacting her... Then came the bombshell. She was seeing someone else, and that she was having trouble trusting him because of me. That she was scared of me and that I needed to leave her alone.

 

I had left her alone pretty much the whole month outside of two emails. The anger and animosity she hit me with felt very out of left field. Stupidly, I wanted to know more about the relationship she was in, so I apologized for my behavior. I asked to FaceTime with her, civilly and cordially to see if we could salvage any form of friendship. She was hesitant at first, but we talked. It went okay. She even unblocked my phone number and said I could text her anytime she wanted. Then she started telling me about her new school. And how she had taken LSD five times since being there... and that she was thinking about doing cocaine. I was blown away. She had always condemned drugs and didn’t even like smoking weed. She told me about her new boyfriend. How he lives down the hall from her and they see each other every day. Told me he’s 21 with only one more year left and he isn’t into th drugs like she is. She told me she didn’t love him but had feelings for him.

 

I hung up with her and was worried for the next three days. I come from a family of addiction and was very bothered. I reached out to her again to FaceTime. She reluctantly agreed. I told her my concerns about the drugs and she said not to worry. Then she started texting her new boyfriend while we were FaceTiming and she had the biggest smile on her face. The way I used to make her smile. And I flipped out on her. I told her that he was only with her because she was sleeping with him and that he wouldn’t wait for her like I did. That he was just a rebound and she’s filling the hole in her heart from what happened with us. She started crying and admitted it was probably a rebound, but that she’s now only 19 and didn’t plan on being with the person she wants to spend her life with. I said that you were at one point with me. That she wanted to marry me and have kids. She said that branch had fallen off of her tree of life and she was learning to grow on without it. The call ended and she said she wouldn’t block me. But I woke up the next morning to find out I was blocked.

 

I kept calling her until she started to text me and we had a huge text fight. I said if I knew that this is how she wanted to live her life I would’ve just treated her like a random (insert derogatory word for prostitute). I don’t think I can come back from that one...

 

I waited a week and called her drunkenly one night apologizing. Telling her I still loved her. Then I called two days later and started attacking her BS rebound relationship again. And she told me that she was going to take legal action against me if I kept calling her. I don’t want to call that bluff, so I’ve now stopped contacting her altogether.

 

I know. I’m obsessed. I’ve tried everything that is recommended to move on. I’ve hit the gym, I go out with friends all the time. I’ve slept with 5 different women now since the breakup. I can’t get her out of my head. There’s so much that’s unresolved. As recently as the beginning of February she said she wasn’t ruling anything out in the future. Now she wants nothing to do with me, though.

 

It feels good to put all of this down in writing. I know I am not without fault. I’ve made many mistakes, both in the relationship and after the breakup. I just want once more chance with her someday. A real chance for us to be together. I know it won’t be the same relationship as it was in those early days, but we never got a chance to see what we could be. It never got to really flourish.

 

I’m resigned to the fact that I may never get that chance. I know I don’t need her in my life and that in time, I’ll be able to move on and find someone else. But if that’s the case, she’s going to be the one that got away. And I don’t know if I’ll ever fully be able to get over that.

 

Please be kind. Thank you for reading all of this.

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