Jump to content

Paranoid partner


Caewils

Recommended Posts

In need of some advice for whoever has been through a similar situation with me. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years we have a 5 and 6 year old, we had a brilliant 7 year relationship and then he proposed, one of the best days of my life as I was so happy. But the last 14 month have been hell it all started when he saw me talking to a guy on a night out with my friend and my boyfriend was convinced I was going to go back to a house party with the boy is question, the only place where I was going to is home as we had a babysitter for our 2 children, since then he has accused me of everything from messaging his workmates, to cheating on him, hiding things on my phone, asking all time what I've been up, and so many horrible things he has called me. I have been making so much effort to make this relationship work but not getting anything back from it, the accusations are draining me, a couple of days ago he said he didn't want to get married because basically doesnt trust me and that I would probably end up taking his house and all his money away from him. I have never given him any reason that that would happened, I even said we would go to the solicitors before we get married to sort some kind of a contract out. I don't have a clue what to do? I know he loves me and I love him but he's broke my heart and I don't think I'll ever get over the way he's treated me over the last 14 months, his paranoia has ruined us and is going to continue to ruin us, any advice would be appreciated, thank you.

Link to comment

You have two children together without benefit of marriage. Chances are that if you split up, he'd still lose the house if you got custody of the children, so I don't understand why the two of you who claim that you love each other weren't ok with the commitment of marriage.

 

Perhaps couples counseling would get at the root of his fears. Why are you going out with friends and meeting guys? Have you given him your phone to examine so that he can see whom you've been communicating with?

 

If you truly love him and want to make this work, you're going to have to make some sacrifices, like not giving him even the hint of cheating.

Link to comment

It's his house which has been in his family for a long time, I didn't like the idea of going to the solicitors but it's not my house so I was willing to go with what he was comfortable with, obviously he wasn't comfortable from the start to even think of going to the solicitors. Wow hold on I'm not going out with friends and meeting guys, it was my friend's birthday I went out for a few drinks and she knew this lad so she got talking to him I happened to be there in the conversation. He has been through my phone numerous occasions but then he starts accusing me of deleted things on there, I leave my phone downstairs where he is, whilst I'm in the bath or doing stuff upstairs, I'm giving him the opportunity to have a look or if I was hiding anything would I leave it out of my sight? I have made loads of sacrifices, he hasn't made any, I don't do anything anymore I don't even go out, I go out with my boyfriend but every time we do go out he gets drunk and starts accussing me of things. I would like to say at the start of our relationship he was messaging another girl and I found out, surely I'm the one who should be paranoid not him?

Link to comment

A couple of different possibilities could be going on and none of them are very good unfortunately.

 

One is that usually those who are cheating are the most aggressive about accusing their partners of cheating. While you are busy fending off his accusations, which btw is emotionally abusive, you have no time or energy to check what he is actually doing. It's a popular strategy that cheaters employ along the lines of a good offense is the best defense.

 

Second thing is that he is using this as a way out of what he doesn't want to do - marriage. All that talk about how he is going to lose everything, etc, it honestly comes across like someone who has some serious personal issues. Regardless, he is being abusive to you and that's never OK or acceptable. To make matters worse, your children are seeing this dysfunction.

 

You say that your relationship has been absolutely perfect but for the last 14 months, but I find that a bit hard to believe. This kind of behavior doesn't strike out of nowhere.

 

Since you have children together, all I can tell you is that you are going to have get very very firm with him and sit him down and tell him straight out that his behavior is not acceptable, that you won't tolerate this and that if he continues like that, you will kick him out of your life and MEAN it. Go talk to a lawyer regarding custody and child support. I'm not suggesting you go after him, but I am saying that you need to know where you stand legally and what rights you have. Basically, speak to him from a position of strength and knowledge. Remember, you can't fix his issues, but you can protect yourself and your children from abusive behavior and if that means removing yourselves from the situation, so be it. The guy needs a cold wake up call.

Link to comment

If you can't read books together on how to improve a relationship and improve your communication with each other, then get couples counseling before getting married. Especially since you have children, you'll want a peaceful, stable environment for them.

Link to comment

You have to decide if you want this ugliness in your life, your kids life.

 

I suggest that you start looking into a different life than this--with or without him.

 

Protect your kids.

 

You need to see a legal expert about providing for your children in the event that you part.

 

Crazy sets the agenda. And seems as though the paranoia is getting worse too.

 

It is not fair and it is draining to defend yourself for nonsense.

 

I seriously doubt his attacks will stop.

Link to comment

Thank you dancingfool, I completely agree with you, and I have started to question if he's up to something, but that's something I don't want to think about as it will just fry my head. OK maybe it wasn't perfect I did see a hint of it here and there in the 7 years, maybe I'm just thinking it was way better than it is now. He does have personal issues but he doesn't want to admit them. I do have to sit down and have a firm talk with him, because I got to stay strong and be strong for the kids, I don't want any of his money or the house I just want him to be part of the kids life and obviously pay maintenance as I will have to go to rented Accommodation if it comes to it.

Link to comment

People don't just suddenly start being jealous and insecure for no reason. Definitely seek couples counselling to try and uncover what the underlying issues are here... if it was as brilliant as you say it was then you have the foundation, you just need some help getting back on track.

Link to comment

I'm 34 and he's 43, I did my partying in my twenties and was ready settle down and have children, I hadn't been single for long before we got together before that I was in an 8 year relationship which was awful I just got cheated on the whole time and finally had enough and left. I don't think I crossed boundaries I wasn't going out every weekend, bear in my mind he was going out after work every Friday for a drink, which I was completely fine about, he never once said he wansnt comfortable me going out and if he did maybe I would of rained it in a bit. I now just do lunching with my friends and he still questions me who was there? Was it just you and your friend? I think marriage is completely out of the cards now anyway, but if we are going to move forward counselling is the only way to go but i have asked him to go to counselling before as a make or break but he said no.

Link to comment

First talk to a lawyer and learn your rights and have a plan accordingly. Do not tell him ahead of time what you are up to. At 43, he is too old to be having these kinds of tantrums, so he is up to something and you don't know what that is and you have no idea how he'll react when you stand up for yourself.

 

You want to talk to him from a position of strength and not just empty threats. You want to already have a plan in place so if he takes a turn for the worse, you can walk away immediately. Be sure your children are away with your relatives when you confront him if that's possible.

 

When reading your original post, I thought you guys were much much younger and perhaps he is just immature. At his age, the man knows what he is doing to you.

Link to comment
I'm 34 and he's 43, I did my partying in my twenties and was ready settle down and have children, I hadn't been single for long before we got together before that I was in an 8 year relationship which was awful I just got cheated on the whole time and finally had enough and left. I don't think I crossed boundaries I wasn't going out every weekend, bear in my mind he was going out after work every Friday for a drink, which I was completely fine about, he never once said he wansnt comfortable me going out and if he did maybe I would of rained it in a bit. I now just do lunching with my friends and he still questions me who was there? Was it just you and your friend? I think marriage is completely out of the cards now anyway, but if we are going to move forward counselling is the only way to go but i have asked him to go to counselling before as a make or break but he said no.

 

I think I misread the part about you being out and meeting guys. Apparently your boyfriend was with you?

 

Nothing kills a relationship more than obsessive jealousy, and I totally understand how frustrating it is for you. My first husband got to the point where if I spent 15 minutes too long at the grocery store, he'd start asking me who I was talking to. It was like being in prison.

 

You seem to be at your rope's end. If he refuses to go to counseling, there's not much hope. It doesn't seem that he's as eager to fix things as you are. As others have said, you need to sit him down and explain that the entire dynamic between you is unacceptable and if it doesn't change, you will have to take the children and leave.

 

But before you do, make sure you have all your ducks in the row as far as custody and living arrangements. Can you afford to live independently of each other?

Link to comment

The kind of scenario you describe is known as 'coercive control' - and in the UK it is a crime. More here: https://www.learning-mind.com/coercive-control-manipulation/2/

 

If he does agree to marriage counselling, and is prepared to engage with it, that would be a miracle and definitely a path you should follow.

 

However, that's highly unlikely. While all the advice on here is to improve your communication, that's perfectly valid and would be very effective with a partner who wants to have an equal, caring relationship. However, he has made it very clear that he isn't prepared to listen to you, and is more interested in undermining you and controlling you. Abusers often 'up the ante' when the level of commitment in the relationship increases, which is why it's significant that it's suddenly got worse after he proposed.

 

Whatever you do - do not get married. Put your energy into finding out what your options are, getting legal advice, and working out how you would live if he wasn't in your life - but don't tell him you're doing this. Stop trying to appease him, and just keep as cheerful as you can for the sake of your children. Don't get sucked into arguments or try to justify actions on your part which didn't need to be justified in the first place. You can't change another person, but you can protect yourself and your own interests.

Link to comment

I hope you are not allowing him to check your emails and phone. He is not your parent.

 

I am thinking that he is projecting, because he is cheating on you. Whatever the reason, you cannot continue with this. This is terrible for the kids, and you!

 

I doubt a sit down will help. I would go to couples counseling, if it doesn't work, leave him.

Link to comment
It's his house which has been in his family for a long time, I didn't like the idea of going to the solicitors but it's not my house so I was willing to go with what he was comfortable with, obviously he wasn't comfortable from the start to even think of going to the solicitors. Wow hold on I'm not going out with friends and meeting guys, it was my friend's birthday I went out for a few drinks and she knew this lad so she got talking to him I happened to be there in the conversation. He has been through my phone numerous occasions but then he starts accusing me of deleted things on there, I leave my phone downstairs where he is, whilst I'm in the bath or doing stuff upstairs, I'm giving him the opportunity to have a look or if I was hiding anything would I leave it out of my sight? I have made loads of sacrifices, he hasn't made any, I don't do anything anymore I don't even go out, I go out with my boyfriend but every time we do go out he gets drunk and starts accussing me of things. I would like to say at the start of our relationship he was messaging another girl and I found out, surely I'm the one who should be paranoid not him?

 

The is really bad. I would change my passcode. he should not be looking at the phone.

I would start looking for an exit plan. You are living in a prison.

Link to comment

Agree with the general consensus.

 

Time to get your ducks in a row, and then, from a place of warmth and strength and security, let him know that you need couple's counseling if this relationship is going to continue. If he balks, throws a tantrum, blame shifts, or gaslights—well, you've got a proverbial car idling curbside waiting to take you to a healthier place.

 

And, honestly, if it weren't for your history and children I'd probably be advising you to simply get your ducks in a row and get in that car.

 

There is never an excuse for this kind of behavior—never. Let's say, just hypothetically, that you were engaging in the very behavior he's inventing for whatever reason? Well, there would still be no excuse. It is not the way kind, mature adults handle the business of living and connecting. It is mean, manipulative, sabotaging, childish, and corrosive—and for someone to be engaging like this at 43? Well, that's some pretty hardened glue.

 

I don't want to fry your head by putting ideas in there about what he may be doing, thinking, or feeling to fuel this behavior. Because it doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter if he's up to no good, having no good thoughts, or is simply throwing unprocessed damage your way—deep wounds, unprocessed childhood trauma, personal issues, whatever. Does. Not. Matter. Sounds like you've accumulated your share of wounds out there yourself, so all you need to do is look in the mirror to know there's another way of handling things.

 

Healthy relationships don't have this edge—not in the first month, not in the seventh year.

 

Sadly, a lot of relationships have this edge because a lot of people mistake jealousy for affection, control for connection. It can be very subtle early, especially inside a dynamic where one person is secure and the other is not, which sounds a bit like yours. So what can feel like "feeling" or "affection" early on—or no big thing since it's easy to soothe—is actually a prelude to unchecked insecurity, controlling tendencies, and a sour dynamic in which paranoia replaces trust as the glue that binds.

 

Those little hints here and there you mentioned? Well, maybe not so little, given the current dynamic.

 

You clearly have a good head on your shoulders, and a warm heart. Your children need both those things, so don't let the relationship drain either.

Link to comment

Thank you all so much for your amazing advice, I'm looking into making sure I have every thing sorted for me and the children for us to leave. Yes he's 43 and he is now sulking and not talking to me because of his own actions, it baffles me. I'm trying to stay strong for the kids for sure they keep me going. Not to mention he doesn't do anything in the house to help me or the kids, I'm just questioning now what the hell am I doing? It's such a shame it's come to this but I refuse to let him control and turn me into someone I'm not. I will keep you all updated and thank you again for all your advice xx

Link to comment

Has he always been abusive or paranoid? Or did this begin wit the marriage thing? He doesn't want to get married. However abusing you to make an excuse rather than admit it, is something you need to pay attention to.

then he proposed.

since then he has accused me of everything from messaging his workmates, to cheating on him, hiding things on my phone, asking all time what I've been up, and so many horrible things he has called me.

 

he said he didn't want to get married.

Link to comment

I haven't noticed any paranoia or any kind of abuse he first 7 years together, it's like he's making things up in his head as an excuse to not get married, but why ask me in the first place, thats what gets me. My family has all said the same, it's coming across that's he's making every excuse for us to not get married, I certainly won't be marrying him now.

Link to comment

I am sorry you are having a hard time in your relationship. It sounds like you would benefit from couples counseling. Would he consider going? A lot of times a third party can help guide the conversation to get to the reason why he is claiming he doesn't trust you, when you have given him no reason to feel that way. May there is something in his own life that he needs to deal with and confess. Maybe he is scared about getting married and this is how he is coping. Communication is so important in a relationship. When you can't do it to on your own, counseling can really help. I have been in a situation where my partner wouldn't listen to me and we needed someone to help mediate the conversation to get to why he was acting so poorly to me. I will be praying for you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Hugs and Blessings!

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...