Jump to content

My boyfriends ''ex'' (?) crush/friend. How to deal with it?


What87

Recommended Posts

Hi all. I have a situation and would really appreciate some other's perspective.

 

To start, I made a stupid thing, I am ashamed, feel bad about it and judge myself enough, so please, don't start off with telling me what I did was wrong etc.. I know it was and I am definitely not proud of it. But I did it. I check my boyfriends phone.

 

3 Months in a relationship and I am in love. For the first time in my life. I have had a relationships before, 3,5 years, 5 years and some brief ones but never really felt like that was it, this is how love feels like. I am 31. And now I feel it for the first time. It has been intense 3 months, basically together 4-5 times a week, weekends and one vacation.

 

I have been cheated on couple times in my life, and while that's definitely not my excuse and I do not try to justify my action, my emotions got the best of me and I checked his messages. And ever since I can't sleep.

 

So he does have couple of female friends or climbing buddies he used to go climb with before we met, that's fine, nothing weird there. But there is this one girl - they used to work together (he is a doctor, she is a nurse) for about 5 years, then he moved to the city 600km away where he lives now. And I have scrolled to their conversation, haven't read all of it as it was A LOT and goes back years...he never mentioned this girl to me, even thought we did talk about past relationships and dating. Now I am not sure if they ever dated or had a sexual relationship as I did not read all of it as I mentioned, but there were selfies exchanged, very flirty txts, he called her honey aall the time, then I have seen some txt from him which said ''so you are gonna warm up bed for us'' but I haven't got the whole context so might have also been some kind of joke as they joked a lot in those conversations. But I could tell by the way he talked to her that he definitely had a big attraction to her and I would even say it was more than a crush. I have seen some picture that she sent him with some guy who looked like her boyfriend... but then again, selfies from her and so on..I really do not know what was going on there, what kind of weird relationship they had but I do know he had also almost a year long relationship with someone which ended 10 months before we met. And the conversation with that nurse was still going on even throughout the relationship he had (which I remember him telling me that he thought that the GF he had was THE ONE until things went bad because she was extremely jealous and accused him of cheating all the time and then she broke up with him - so he thought she was the one and yet he still talked to that nurse - why would he do that??), they still even worked together back then. And they really seemed to have some kind of bond..I don't know why they were not together, I would assume she was either not interested in him or maybe in another relationship, either way, they did have a strong connection, I could tell by the way they talked..for years!!

 

Now since he met me, I have seen he did not contacted her, but she txted him for Christmas saying ''merry Christmas to my ex-work husband'' to which he responded ''ex??'' and wished her also merry Christmas. She said she misses him and he responded that he misses her too. Then couple of days later she again txted him asking when he will be around, he said he doesn't know and that she could visit him too. She did not respond to that. This was when we known each other for 2 weeks. Since then no conversations, month and half later she again txted him ''hey stranger, do we know each other?'' At that time we were on vacation together and that was the time when we both realized that we love each other and also told that to each other for the first time. He responded to her with a picture of the location where we were with ''greetings from xxx''. She responded to him ''ohhh and without me?'' which he did not really comment on and when she asked how he was doing he jokingly said that not so good because the vacation is almost over and tomorrow we are flying back''. After that no more conversation. It has been a month since then.. Now I know it does not seem like anything is going on at the moment, but I am terrified that they will again start having the same conversations and that the bond they had will come to life again...I am terrified they might see each other at some point and he will fall for her again.

 

He is 38, very rational person, thinks everything through before he act or says something. He told me that I am exactly like he always wanted his girlfriend to be, that I am the only person he knows, who is exactly the same and different in the ''right things'' , which completes us perfectly. He tells me he loves me very often (he said he never said it to anyone this often) and that he is very happy with me and even said he thinks we will be together for a very long time (well, he tried to avoid the word ''forever'' as he is not the one who promises stuff he can't keep). Since his job is quite demanding and also requires lots of shift and we live 100 kms apart, it was quite challenging to keep doing everything we like doing together, I suggested if we could maybe try to ''live together'', I would still keep my place and after some time we could see how it goes and then maybe I could give it up. First he was a bit afraid, as he never lived with a girlfriend before (he had couple of relationships that were 2 years, 1 year long.) But he said he thinks it is a good idea and that he would like to try. So now we started living together.

 

I know it all sounds perfect, but I am still totally terrified...firstly because he never mentioned her, secondly, I know he was in a relationship with someone and still kept that weird thing with the nurse and maybe only because he for whatever reason can't have her, he keeps being in relationships with other people. I definitely do not wan to be someone's second choice and wait until one day she turns up - maybe available or she suddenly decides that now she wants him and I will be out.. Their history goes years back, how can I compete with that`? She might be something unattainable, hence still very attractive to him and as I said, I might only be the second best...it is killing me..

 

Can someone please tell me some opinion on what is this all about? Because I can't think straight right now and all I can think of is this. And of course, I can't ask him, since I am not even supposed to know about her...

 

thanks!!

Link to comment
  • Replies 60
  • Created
  • Last Reply

I'm not seeing cheating here but I'm feeling some sort of lack of boundaries just because he could've told her he was on vacations with his girlfriend but carefully chose not to to keep the flirty banter. Maybe he likes the attention.

Link to comment

You need to come clean with him about seeing those conversations. Tell him because of your past with being cheated on you felt compelled. He may understand, he may not, but you really don't have any other option. If you keep doing this behind his back then you'll go insane with it and eventually push him away. I'm sorry but his conversations with her (though very minimal) are inappropriate. Talk to him about it.

Link to comment

I can't pick up the courage to tell him that i snooped around.. He would not accept that. I know it is not ok that he talked to her. The only thing that keeps me not burst out is that at least (for now) he did not contact her first....

Link to comment

Hmmm I don’t remember posting so it must have been in error, thank you moderators for deleting.

 

OPer, You looked for trouble and you found it.

 

I don’t know what you expected to happen.

 

I would not tell him.

 

Unfortunately it doesn’t seem that you will be able to let all this go so I don’t know what else there is to do but end it.

 

Next time work on your self esteem and trust issues.

 

There are things in my phone that would upset a lot of people, it’s my own personal business. Not the person I’m dating, not friends, nor family, mine.

 

You betrayed a huge level of trust and you want it to be overlooked and for us to coddle you after you betrayed trust and it bit you in the bottom.

 

No ma’am, like I said you looked for trouble you got it.

Link to comment

I know what I did was not ok. That's why I said I don't need to hear it again as I am very much aware of what I have done. It was not ok but nor was him talking to her. Or at least well, he could have mentioned her that he has a GF. He decided not to because...well, who knows...and that's what is bothering me..I don't know what to think about it.

Link to comment
I know what I did was not ok. That's why I said I don't need to hear it again as I am very much aware of what I have done. It was not ok but nor was him talking to her. Or at least well, he could have mentioned her that he has a GF. He decided not to because...well, who knows...and that's what is bothering me..I don't know what to think about it.

 

Again you keep trying to brush it under the rug, like yeah I know it’s bad BUT...

 

you know when someone does that they’re actually negating everything they just said to translate it’s: yes I know it’s bad BUT I’m going to tell you why none of that matters.

 

It matters because it put you in a situation where you now have no other option but to break up. There’s no trust now. What was the point of looking if you didn’t plan to leave if you found something?

 

Serious question.

 

Are you one of those women who chases to prove your boyfriend cheats catches him in the act and still stays.

 

Another serious question because there are quite a few women like that. They hunt the evidence down like blood hounds and stay anyway.

Link to comment

I am not saying it doesn't matter what I did. It was not only wrong, but it clearly shows I can't trust anyone. And yes, I am considering all the options..even the hardest one - to break up. Not because I caught him cheating - I didn't. But mostly because I crossed the line I thought I wouldn't and did not trust him. I don't know what I was looking for here. I guess I just didn't know how to process it and I wanted to hear from someone's else's perspective what do they think about it. If I found out point blank he cheated or that he txted with her the way he used before, I would not even write a post anywhere and just leave. But I didn't...and that keeps me hanging..

Link to comment
I can't pick up the courage to tell him that i snooped around.. He would not accept that. I know it is not ok that he talked to her. The only thing that keeps me not burst out is that at least (for now) he did not contact her first....

 

Then this whole relationship is doomed. You don't trust him and snoop on him, and he is having a somewhat emotional affair with an ex colleague. Something's gotta give because you cant live like that. He will pick up on this and know something is wrong, so you need to be prepared to own up and take responsibility for what you did. And vice versa.

Link to comment

Many red flags here: He's 38 and the longest relationship he's had is 2 years? You can expect the same length for your relationship.

 

He doesn't have the same relationship boundaries as you. You can discuss what your boundaries are as far as communicating with the opposite sex and see if he's on board or not, but then you'd have to trust his word and I'm guessing he won't cut out a person he's known that long and regularly communicated with.

 

It's a horrible decision to make major decisions like moving in together less than 1 year into a relationship. The first 3 months are the honeymoon period and isn't reality, (it's infatuation, not love) and it takes a while to see skeletons in the closet if there are any, which you've sped that process along by snooping. Living together this soon will also likely spell the end of the relationship because you're not dating at a normal pace--way too much way too soon. All that time together means that you've probably neglected friends and hobbies/interests, and you probably know no one in your new location so he's the sole center of your social life. You left your job?

 

You haven't rid yourself of useless baggage from the past. A man shouldn't pay the price for a man others have committed. Until you get rid of the baggage, you should be alone and work on yourself.

Link to comment
I am not saying it doesn't matter what I did. It was not only wrong, but it clearly shows I can't trust anyone. And yes, I am considering all the options..even the hardest one - to break up. Not because I caught him cheating - I didn't. But mostly because I crossed the line I thought I wouldn't and did not trust him. I don't know what I was looking for here. I guess I just didn't know how to process it and I wanted to hear from someone's else's perspective what do they think about it. If I found out point blank he cheated or that he txted with her the way he used before, I would not even write a post anywhere and just leave. But I didn't...and that keeps me hanging..

 

So you are ok with it.

 

That’s ok, it’s your life not ours.

 

There’s nothing you can do.

 

It’s pretty black and white you either accept it or you don’t.

 

If you choose to accept it you won’t be able to stay with him unless you trust him, I don’t see how you can given the fact that you didn’t trust him without any reason you have a reason now which is only going to make things harder for you.

 

It’s rough and I’m sorry but your options are stay and let this go and trust him or leave.

Link to comment

I was afraid to hear that. Not that I am naive but it is hard to hear that he still has an interest in her.. it really hurts, specially because of all the things he said to me. And he definitely isn't the type of guy who says tons of cliches and promises. So I did believe that his feelings for me were real... it ing hurts knowing there is someone else. Why the hell would he start a relationship with me when he is not finished with someone else...i dont understand that

Link to comment

Well we did not really moved in together. I still do have my place and I didn't even bring more than clothes for like 3 days to his place. And no, I did not leave my job, I am commuting to the city I work in. Well, I know he did not cut her off completely, but I have seen that he is no initiating any conversations with her and he also did not txt her anything flirty or even close to that. What I don't know is, if it will stay there or if it will once again change....

Link to comment

Well there is nothing really to accept yet. Only that he responded to her, but he did not really say anything bad. Yet. And maybe that's what I wanted to find out, from people who are not involved - if this looks like he is with me just because he could not be with her or if he already closed that chapter and really wants to commit to me.

Link to comment

Whether they actually hooked up or feed off each other's flirting, he's got a Ms. "Right Now" whenever he may want one, as does she in him. Can't say it's ever been over 5 years time, but I and I think many folks have had someone who's a safe bet for a certain kind of attention in between relationships. I get it appears he was talking to her while with someone previously, but I don't have any timestamps to go off for that relationship, so I have no idea what was happening or when, and nor do you.

 

Being frank, with you two only a few months into dating, and he's got no reason to shut the door completely on her. It doesn't matter if you two are de facto co-inhabitants right now-- you're still just a blip in the grand scheme of each other's lives. He appears to have done the best he could or should do in keeping the flirting in check while seeing you in a more serious way. For all anyone knows, you two could be done next week. That's not saying it's more likely than not (though if you've in practice moved in with him so soon and are just as soon invading his privacy, the signs aren't pointing in a positive direction), but that one simply doesn't know.

 

I'm also curious as to how you imagine he'd bring this woman up. "Yeah, that's Stacy. We flirt. I squeeze one out to the occasional illicit exchange between us when I'm under a dry spell. It's what we do!" It just is what it is. She's only a "threat" if you two end up not working out, and which case she's really not a threat then.

 

And personally, I don't consider it the biggest red flag if his longest has been two years. I know plenty of very long and dysfunctional relationships maintained by dysfunctional people. Honestly, it's a bigger red flag to me the longer someone goes with someone they ultimately aren't going to settle down with, assuming that's the intended end-game.

 

I'm with FIO in that ultimately the best decision would be to stick a fork in it whether or not there's anything we could actually pin on the guy. You've got too much going on too soon with commuting to work from his place, now already pretty egregiously violated his trust whether or not he knows it by dipping back years into his private correspondences, and all this other baggage you're still rolling around with you. If you really were cool with the information you got, you wouldn't be here.

Link to comment

Bottom line is he shouldn't be talking that way to any woman while he's in a relationship. He hasn't told you about her and that means he's hiding it. You shouldn't be snooping in his phone and doing so means there is a great lack of trust. Unless you confront the issue direct with him this will constantly play on your mind. He could be deleting some of the more explicit stuff for all you know. You can't ignore this and hope it'll just go away because it won't. You will always be wondering and snooping and he will pick up on something wrong.

Link to comment

He's not hiding anyone. He's not meeting her for lunch every week. He's had two very brief text exchanges since he and the OP have known each other, neither of which warranted him bringing up just for fun, "Hey, this lady I flirt with when I'm single text me today." We'd be rightly questioning him on what kind of diarrhea of the mouth he suffers from if he were to.

 

Sorry, but invading someone's privacy in such a way and then having the audacity to make it about a couple very benign text exchanges with another woman during the time he and OP were still learning each other's names skirts very close to gaslighting, IMO. An egregious deflection, at the very least. I vehemently oppose snooping, but I've always maintained that if you're gonna do it, you'd better discover a sin worse than the one you're committing in that moment. OP didn't. She's in no position "confronting" any issue other than her own lack of trust and what implications that should have on her willing participation in this relationship.

Link to comment

If him and this woman wanted to be together, they have had plenty of time and opportunity to make it so, OP. The harsh reality is you went snooping looking for trouble because you have severe unresolved personal issues .....and.....you didn't actually find anything. All you found is that he has a life and relationships prior to meeting you, which is normal and that he hasn't done anything inappropriate since he started to get more serious with you. However, your personal unresolved baggage is driving you crazy imagining the worst, not to mention, sending you snooping and invading your SO's privacy.

 

I'll be honest with you OP. If I was barely with someone for 3 months and found out they went through my phone, I'd cut them loose so fast, their head would be spinning. Don't be surprised if he has a harsh reaction once he gets wind of your behavior. Get a grip, get counseling, do something constructive to resolve your trust issues. Take a good look at YOURSELF, because when you find that you've been cheated on multiple times, the common denominator is you - be it your behavior, your choices, your unhealthy ideas about relationships, etc. High time to roll up your sleeves and start looking where you need to - yourself. Btw, fast tracking a relationship the way you are doing right now - definition of unhealthy behavior and no, you don't get to point any fingers at him. You are doing this to yourself.

Link to comment

I would think that if the two ever had real designs on one another, they've had years to shake that out and haven't. She referred to him as a work husband, not a lover. Either you trust this guy to be loyal, or you don't. If so, then enjoy him at face value and stop snooping. If you don't trust his loyalty, then what are you doing with him, and why stick around only to secretly degrade yourself with untrust-worthy behavior of your own?

Link to comment

You barely know each other a few months in. To me, it's a little creepy how you are laying claim on this guy's life, almost like he's a piece of property you own. Going into his phone isn't a ' whoopsie'. It's the kind of behavior that can end a new little budding relationship on the spot. It's nuclear assault! Hell, even in a long relationship with strong foundations it can be a bomb that takes out the relationship.

Beyond that, you are moving in like troops occupying territory on his space in general. Rush, rush, rush - is that how you usually operate?

 

I think you need to figure out your personal issues before trying to add a relationship to the mix. Even if he was ' perfect', you don't seem to have a grasp right now on what it is to show reasonable trust and respect.

Link to comment
Of course he's hiding it. He has not once mentioned this woman to op and their texts are a little too innapropriate. 'warn up the bed for us'? That's innapropriate.
You can't hide something that isn't there. By her account, "keeping the bed warm" was an interaction before OP and he even said hi to each other. The like five texts she read from the three months they've vaguely gotten to know each other were benign. This woman is a distance away. They're by no means "friends" even by any liberal definition. The guy (and the OP for that matter) is entitled to a past and to not be expected to divulge any and all trivial correspondences with the opposite sex. Again, we'd be wondering what kind of game he was playing if he were to decide that was information worth sharing.

 

Again OP, feel free to bring it up. Expect to be rightfully put in your place for it, though. Three months in, I might put up with a very mild tiff if I showed up five minutes late to a date. A woman scrolling through years of my correspondences and raising a stink because I didn't present her a laundry list of women I've flirted with? Not so much.

Link to comment
You can't hide something that isn't there. By her account, "keeping the bed warm" was an interaction before OP and he even said hi to each other. The like five texts she read from the three months they've vaguely gotten to know each other were benign. This woman is a distance away. They're by no means "friends" even by any liberal definition. The guy (and the OP for that matter) is entitled to a past and to not be expected to divulge any and all trivial correspondences with the opposite sex. Again, we'd be wondering what kind of game he was playing if he were to decide that was information worth sharing.

 

Again OP, feel free to bring it up. Expect to be rightfully put in your place for it, though. Three months in, I might put up with a very mild tiff if I showed up five minutes late to a date. A woman scrolling through years of my correspondences and raising a stink because I didn't present her a laundry list of women I've flirted with? Not so much.

 

Bingo.

 

Like I said I would not bring this up, it’s a fight you will lose miserably. Even if you found videos of him bending a hooker over a table full of coke you STILL broke a huge boundary. There’s no justifying that. Especially after dating for a few months.

 

Like jman said he has his past with this woman, nothing truly concrete found, nothing overly threatening, you have a past with men and trust, guess which ones doing more damage to the relationship?

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...