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Thread: My boyfriends ''ex'' (?) crush/friend. How to deal with it?

  1. #21
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    If he sees her and never introduces her to you, he's either cheating or at least open to it. If it's strictly texting, it's not a problem - you can't kiss over the phone.

    The good guys introduce you to their lady friends, because they have nothing to hide.

  2. #22
    Of course he's hiding it. He has not once mentioned this woman to op and their texts are a little too innapropriate. 'warn up the bed for us'? That's innapropriate.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    You barely know each other a few months in. To me, it's a little creepy how you are laying claim on this guy's life, almost like he's a piece of property you own. Going into his phone isn't a ' whoopsie'. It's the kind of behavior that can end a new little budding relationship on the spot. It's nuclear assault! Hell, even in a long relationship with strong foundations it can be a bomb that takes out the relationship.
    Beyond that, you are moving in like troops occupying territory on his space in general. Rush, rush, rush - is that how you usually operate?

    I think you need to figure out your personal issues before trying to add a relationship to the mix. Even if he was ' perfect', you don't seem to have a grasp right now on what it is to show reasonable trust and respect.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RayofLighten
    Of course he's hiding it. He has not once mentioned this woman to op and their texts are a little too innapropriate. 'warn up the bed for us'? That's innapropriate.
    You can't hide something that isn't there. By her account, "keeping the bed warm" was an interaction before OP and he even said hi to each other. The like five texts she read from the three months they've vaguely gotten to know each other were benign. This woman is a distance away. They're by no means "friends" even by any liberal definition. The guy (and the OP for that matter) is entitled to a past and to not be expected to divulge any and all trivial correspondences with the opposite sex. Again, we'd be wondering what kind of game he was playing if he were to decide that was information worth sharing.

    Again OP, feel free to bring it up. Expect to be rightfully put in your place for it, though. Three months in, I might put up with a very mild tiff if I showed up five minutes late to a date. A woman scrolling through years of my correspondences and raising a stink because I didn't present her a laundry list of women I've flirted with? Not so much.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    You can't hide something that isn't there. By her account, "keeping the bed warm" was an interaction before OP and he even said hi to each other. The like five texts she read from the three months they've vaguely gotten to know each other were benign. This woman is a distance away. They're by no means "friends" even by any liberal definition. The guy (and the OP for that matter) is entitled to a past and to not be expected to divulge any and all trivial correspondences with the opposite sex. Again, we'd be wondering what kind of game he was playing if he were to decide that was information worth sharing.

    Again OP, feel free to bring it up. Expect to be rightfully put in your place for it, though. Three months in, I might put up with a very mild tiff if I showed up five minutes late to a date. A woman scrolling through years of my correspondences and raising a stink because I didn't present her a laundry list of women I've flirted with? Not so much.
    Bingo.

    Like I said I would not bring this up, itís a fight you will lose miserably. Even if you found videos of him bending a hooker over a table full of coke you STILL broke a huge boundary. Thereís no justifying that. Especially after dating for a few months.

    Like jman said he has his past with this woman, nothing truly concrete found, nothing overly threatening, you have a past with men and trust, guess which ones doing more damage to the relationship?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Lol You created quite the image there, FIO.

  8. #27
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    You will not hear what you want to hear

    By crossing that boundary into his privacy you have shown that YOU can't trust him, and you can't be trusted.

    If you tell him he will never trust you.

    If you don't, you will keep wondering who she is, why he didn't mention you to her, etc.

    This is your own doing, and maybe in time if he truly loves you he would have told her about you, who knows. I think your relationship is doomed, sorry, not trying to be harsh, just realistic.

    Before you go into another relationship, maybe you should work on yourself and your trust issues so you don't ruin your own chances at happiness. All the best to you

  9. #28
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Bingo.

    Even if you found videos of him bending a hooker over a table full of coke you STILL broke a huge boundary.
    This is gold!

  10. #29
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by What87
    Well we did not really moved in together. I still do have my place and I didn't even bring more than clothes for like 3 days to his place. And no, I did not leave my job, I am commuting to the city I work in. Well, I know he did not cut her off completely, but I have seen that he is no initiating any conversations with her and he also did not txt her anything flirty or even close to that. What I don't know is, if it will stay there or if it will once again change....
    He's only known you for three months. That's not even enough time to meet his friends or all of his family. She sounds like she's a flirty friend and your b/f hasn't said anything that could be considered out of place since he's been with you so why in all that is good are you trying to self-sabotage your relationship with him? Your insecurity led you to seek out dirt on him when he's clearly not shown you any suspect behaviour so you'd do well to work on why you are so skittish before you ruin what you have (had?) with him.

    Perhaps when he gets to know you past the do-it-like-bunnies stage he'll tell you about her and where he met her and what their relationship actually is. He seems to be distancing himself from her so kick yourself in the arse for snooping then smack yourself upside the head (not literally :o)) for jumping to every negative conclusion you can think of and then take yourself back to a time before you snooped and enjoy your relationship the way you were before you temporarily lost your good sense and you snooped.

    P.S. Do Not move in with a man you do not even know... If you're looking for honest opinions, moving in with a stranger well that's just crazy and quite irresponsible.

  11. #30
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    Yes, you are right, I don't know how I expected him to tell me about her... There was one occasion where we talked about friendship between men and women and what is his and mine opinion about it. I said to him it would bother me if I knew my boyfriend has a close emotional bond with some other woman, as from my experience, one or the other is always interested in something more than just a friendship. He asked me ''even if they known each other for years and were not attracted to each other?'' to which I said, yes, even then..because even if sex was not involved, it would still bug me that my SO is close to some woman. I think, now when I look back, he might have been referring to her, but after what I said he would not bring her up. Plus, well, there definitely was an attraction between them, that was clear from the correspondence.. I don't know,i guess the reason it bothers me is, that he told me when we met, that he is not very social, bit introverted and that he does not need many people or ''best friends'' and that he always wanted to have a girlfriend who would be his best friend, travel buddy, sex buddy and everything else. So if he is looking for that and let's say finds it, why to have someone as that girl on the side? He even said to me in some other conversation, ''why to bring a third person into a relationship and make it more complicated than relationships already are?'' (this was mostly referred to a child, as we both don't want any, but anyways) But I thought when someone thinks this way, then why would have a third person - woman in a relationship? And yes ok, so far it does not look like he is pursuing it with her further - true. But he was in a relationship before ... and now I am not sure if the time comes again and he turns to her again or finds himself a new ''work wife'' in his recent job..

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