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Thread: My boyfriends ''ex'' (?) crush/friend. How to deal with it?

  1. #1
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    My boyfriends ''ex'' (?) crush/friend. How to deal with it?

    Hi all. I have a situation and would really appreciate some other's perspective.

    To start, I made a stupid thing, I am ashamed, feel bad about it and judge myself enough, so please, don't start off with telling me what I did was wrong etc.. I know it was and I am definitely not proud of it. But I did it. I check my boyfriends phone.

    3 Months in a relationship and I am in love. For the first time in my life. I have had a relationships before, 3,5 years, 5 years and some brief ones but never really felt like that was it, this is how love feels like. I am 31. And now I feel it for the first time. It has been intense 3 months, basically together 4-5 times a week, weekends and one vacation.

    I have been cheated on couple times in my life, and while that's definitely not my excuse and I do not try to justify my action, my emotions got the best of me and I checked his messages. And ever since I can't sleep.

    So he does have couple of female friends or climbing buddies he used to go climb with before we met, that's fine, nothing weird there. But there is this one girl - they used to work together (he is a doctor, she is a nurse) for about 5 years, then he moved to the city 600km away where he lives now. And I have scrolled to their conversation, haven't read all of it as it was A LOT and goes back years...he never mentioned this girl to me, even thought we did talk about past relationships and dating. Now I am not sure if they ever dated or had a sexual relationship as I did not read all of it as I mentioned, but there were selfies exchanged, very flirty txts, he called her honey aall the time, then I have seen some txt from him which said ''so you are gonna warm up bed for us'' but I haven't got the whole context so might have also been some kind of joke as they joked a lot in those conversations. But I could tell by the way he talked to her that he definitely had a big attraction to her and I would even say it was more than a crush. I have seen some picture that she sent him with some guy who looked like her boyfriend... but then again, selfies from her and so on..I really do not know what was going on there, what kind of weird relationship they had but I do know he had also almost a year long relationship with someone which ended 10 months before we met. And the conversation with that nurse was still going on even throughout the relationship he had (which I remember him telling me that he thought that the GF he had was THE ONE until things went bad because she was extremely jealous and accused him of cheating all the time and then she broke up with him - so he thought she was the one and yet he still talked to that nurse - why would he do that??), they still even worked together back then. And they really seemed to have some kind of bond..I don't know why they were not together, I would assume she was either not interested in him or maybe in another relationship, either way, they did have a strong connection, I could tell by the way they talked..for years!!

    Now since he met me, I have seen he did not contacted her, but she txted him for Christmas saying ''merry Christmas to my ex-work husband'' to which he responded ''ex??'' and wished her also merry Christmas. She said she misses him and he responded that he misses her too. Then couple of days later she again txted him asking when he will be around, he said he doesn't know and that she could visit him too. She did not respond to that. This was when we known each other for 2 weeks. Since then no conversations, month and half later she again txted him ''hey stranger, do we know each other?'' At that time we were on vacation together and that was the time when we both realized that we love each other and also told that to each other for the first time. He responded to her with a picture of the location where we were with ''greetings from xxx''. She responded to him ''ohhh and without me?'' which he did not really comment on and when she asked how he was doing he jokingly said that not so good because the vacation is almost over and tomorrow we are flying back''. After that no more conversation. It has been a month since then.. Now I know it does not seem like anything is going on at the moment, but I am terrified that they will again start having the same conversations and that the bond they had will come to life again...I am terrified they might see each other at some point and he will fall for her again.

    He is 38, very rational person, thinks everything through before he act or says something. He told me that I am exactly like he always wanted his girlfriend to be, that I am the only person he knows, who is exactly the same and different in the ''right things'' , which completes us perfectly. He tells me he loves me very often (he said he never said it to anyone this often) and that he is very happy with me and even said he thinks we will be together for a very long time (well, he tried to avoid the word ''forever'' as he is not the one who promises stuff he can't keep). Since his job is quite demanding and also requires lots of shift and we live 100 kms apart, it was quite challenging to keep doing everything we like doing together, I suggested if we could maybe try to ''live together'', I would still keep my place and after some time we could see how it goes and then maybe I could give it up. First he was a bit afraid, as he never lived with a girlfriend before (he had couple of relationships that were 2 years, 1 year long.) But he said he thinks it is a good idea and that he would like to try. So now we started living together.

    I know it all sounds perfect, but I am still totally terrified...firstly because he never mentioned her, secondly, I know he was in a relationship with someone and still kept that weird thing with the nurse and maybe only because he for whatever reason can't have her, he keeps being in relationships with other people. I definitely do not wan to be someone's second choice and wait until one day she turns up - maybe available or she suddenly decides that now she wants him and I will be out.. Their history goes years back, how can I compete with that`? She might be something unattainable, hence still very attractive to him and as I said, I might only be the second best...it is killing me..

    Can someone please tell me some opinion on what is this all about? Because I can't think straight right now and all I can think of is this. And of course, I can't ask him, since I am not even supposed to know about her...

    thanks!!

  2. 03-19-2019, 08:34 AM


  3. 03-19-2019, 08:37 AM

  4. 03-19-2019, 08:46 AM

  5. #2
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I'm not seeing cheating here but I'm feeling some sort of lack of boundaries just because he could've told her he was on vacations with his girlfriend but carefully chose not to to keep the flirty banter. Maybe he likes the attention.

  6. #3
    You need to come clean with him about seeing those conversations. Tell him because of your past with being cheated on you felt compelled. He may understand, he may not, but you really don't have any other option. If you keep doing this behind his back then you'll go insane with it and eventually push him away. I'm sorry but his conversations with her (though very minimal) are inappropriate. Talk to him about it.

  7. #4
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    yes, I thought as well that it is pleasing his ego.. but it hurts me that he would not tell me about her at all. He told her ''we are flying back'' but yeah, did not specify with whom...

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  9. #5
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    I can't pick up the courage to tell him that i snooped around.. He would not accept that. I know it is not ok that he talked to her. The only thing that keeps me not burst out is that at least (for now) he did not contact her first....

  10. #6
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Hmmm I donít remember posting so it must have been in error, thank you moderators for deleting.

    OPer, You looked for trouble and you found it.

    I donít know what you expected to happen.

    I would not tell him.

    Unfortunately it doesnít seem that you will be able to let all this go so I donít know what else there is to do but end it.

    Next time work on your self esteem and trust issues.

    There are things in my phone that would upset a lot of people, itís my own personal business. Not the person Iím dating, not friends, nor family, mine.

    You betrayed a huge level of trust and you want it to be overlooked and for us to coddle you after you betrayed trust and it bit you in the bottom.

    No maíam, like I said you looked for trouble you got it.

  11. #7
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    I know what I did was not ok. That's why I said I don't need to hear it again as I am very much aware of what I have done. It was not ok but nor was him talking to her. Or at least well, he could have mentioned her that he has a GF. He decided not to because...well, who knows...and that's what is bothering me..I don't know what to think about it.

  12. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by What87
    I know what I did was not ok. That's why I said I don't need to hear it again as I am very much aware of what I have done. It was not ok but nor was him talking to her. Or at least well, he could have mentioned her that he has a GF. He decided not to because...well, who knows...and that's what is bothering me..I don't know what to think about it.
    Again you keep trying to brush it under the rug, like yeah I know itís bad BUT...

    you know when someone does that theyíre actually negating everything they just said to translate itís: yes I know itís bad BUT Iím going to tell you why none of that matters.

    It matters because it put you in a situation where you now have no other option but to break up. Thereís no trust now. What was the point of looking if you didnít plan to leave if you found something?

    Serious question.

    Are you one of those women who chases to prove your boyfriend cheats catches him in the act and still stays.

    Another serious question because there are quite a few women like that. They hunt the evidence down like blood hounds and stay anyway.

  13. #9
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    I am not saying it doesn't matter what I did. It was not only wrong, but it clearly shows I can't trust anyone. And yes, I am considering all the options..even the hardest one - to break up. Not because I caught him cheating - I didn't. But mostly because I crossed the line I thought I wouldn't and did not trust him. I don't know what I was looking for here. I guess I just didn't know how to process it and I wanted to hear from someone's else's perspective what do they think about it. If I found out point blank he cheated or that he txted with her the way he used before, I would not even write a post anywhere and just leave. But I didn't...and that keeps me hanging..

  14. #10
    Originally Posted by What87
    I can't pick up the courage to tell him that i snooped around.. He would not accept that. I know it is not ok that he talked to her. The only thing that keeps me not burst out is that at least (for now) he did not contact her first....
    Then this whole relationship is doomed. You don't trust him and snoop on him, and he is having a somewhat emotional affair with an ex colleague. Something's gotta give because you cant live like that. He will pick up on this and know something is wrong, so you need to be prepared to own up and take responsibility for what you did. And vice versa.

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