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Thread: Anger at DUMPER building as NC continues. How to deal with it?

  1. #1
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    Anger at DUMPER building as NC continues. How to deal with it?

    How can I manage and process this anger coming up both at myself, but mostly at her for the way she treated me throughout the relationship, especially towards the end?
    I showed this person nothing but affection and the only thing im guilty of is wanting to be with her too often and being codependent. That is on me. But all the disrespect and games she did towards the end. She let me spend so much on dinners, trips, small gifts - things I wanted to do, she didnt ask me - but accepted them KNOWING that she was never going to be as serious as I was. She KNEW I adored her with all my heart, and that made me boring I guess. Not enough of a challenge. So she went looking elsewhere I a m sure of it WHILE IN THE RELATIONSHIP. She lied right to my face when asked her if seeing other men or why she is ting distant. She turned it around and tried to make ME feel bad for asking the obvious - that she didn't seem happy to be with me. She kept accepting my gifts and letting me buy her drinks KNOWING she had either bailed or planned to.

    Her birthday she only had 30 min to spend with me because she had 'meeting about her son's school'. At 8pm at night. I gave hr lovely gift which she accepted. On Valentines day (2 weeks before break up) she had another meeting with son's principal, so could only spend 20 minutes with me. She didnt see or reply to my texts for 4 hours afterwards. I asked about the meeting and she said was fine. When asked about details, got mad and said too busy talk about it. Things like that.

    She is an attention who likes to tantilize men and create love triangles and ploys. She even flirted with students in my fitness class and got their social info and would chat with them. I even wonder if this is why she kept coming to my class. not to support her BF, but place to scope out guys. its entirely possible! Im getting so angry at her. But also at me. Today I was actually SEETHING when thinking about her. I guess that's better than crying. But still in my thoughts which is not what I want.

    I think Im also angry at her because I had this beautiful, sexy, smart, charismatic, confident, fit woman who didnt inspire trust and my attention and love was not enough for her. Superficially she was out of my league and I don't think I will find a woman with those attributes again. seriously she ticked all my boxes. Why couldn't she JUST be trustworthy and loving? Why she have to ruin everything??

    Not sure how to process this. Anyone have success with dealing with DUMPEE anger?
    Last edited by hp1; 03-19-2019 at 06:03 AM.

  2. #2
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    You cannot blame yourself. She took you for a ride as she's done to many others no doubt. She has the issues not you.

    Look. I was in the exact same situation as you exactly one year ago. I had an accident nearly 2 years back and suffered a brain injury and became a shadow of my former self and just less than a year after that she dumped me (I was not the same person she fell in love with through no fault of my own). The 4 weeks before the dumping were cruel, she ghosted me, put up pics of with random guys on social media etc then saying I was imagining it because of my brain injury (I had 90% memory loss at the time so I would believe anything anyone told me) etc etc. Anyway I spent like 2 months blaming myself for taking her for granted!!! I started various therapies and within 2 sessions I was much more like.my old self and realized I had let myself be played. The self blaming stopped however ,as with your partner she could have walked away without the awful behaviour but chose not too. That poor behaviour is 100 percent squarely on them.

    Over time your anger will fade. People like her will never change. This feeling is natural right now. We have all been played and played ourselves one time or another. It's a learning lesson.

  3. #3
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    Accept your responsibility in this.
    She might not have been as invested as you from day one but it certainly sounds like you smothered her.
    She is time poor. You clearly are not.
    She accepted your ďgiftsĒ , payments for dinner etc because she was giving YOU a fair chance. But you didnít give her a fair chance.
    YOU didnít listen to HER needs , which was some space.
    You think you are the greatest gift to women because you adore them, spend money on them, available at all times to them!
    This is not the 1920ís!!!
    This is 2019.

    She didnít ruin everything , you did.
    You did that all by yourself by disrespecting her.

    It doesnít matter that she looked elsewhere. She didnít cheat on you. She tried. You didnít.
    Thatís all.

  4. #4
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    wow, thank you for sharing that and im so sorry about your injury and especially how she treated you after that. Cant believe that. Its funny, she posted photo of guy on her social and this was while things were still OK. She said it was one her 'friends' who was moving away. MY heart sank to see a photo of my GF smiling big with some guy while not ONE photo of us exists on her social. Not in 1 year. I asked her if she ever had sex with him but of course she said no. I was so blind. It was clearly sex friend who was moving away.

    The thing that really rubs salt in the wound is all the suspicions of cheating that I will never get confirmation about. I know she did, but its like she thought she got away with it and im so stupid to not figure it out. And worst of all, the guy I suspect took advantage of the situation is one of clients from my class and a kind of friend. I even confided to him a little about her. I think she created a love triangle and loved the wrongness of it. I cant prove it but my guy says it happened. She no longer (obviously comes to my class and surprise surprise he doesn't either). I think he came just to pick her off. More Anger at him too. Sorry I am digressing.

    Sorry that happened to you. I hope this anger passes soon.I was played. I will not ever ignore signs again. Im so mad if she were in front of me id spit on her...

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    Like i say my ex might have cheated, she might not, she certainly made me want to think she was cheating though, just a further indicator of poor behaviour but in the end it doesn't matter because it's over. That is where you need to get to and to get to there you need to accept she is not a good partner. Good people don't behave that way when things get tough. She/They always had the option to leave in a decent manner but chose not to. That tells you everything you need to know. All you are doing now is beating yourself up over and over again.

    Also whilst you are not responsible for her beaviour you are responsible for your own and you seem to accept your part of it which is a good thing i agree with Billie in the above post that you should never try and buy someones affection as it doesnt work and will leave you feeling sore as you are now. YOu need to just let go.

    Your anger will pass no doubt about it but it starts by accepting it is done with and the stuff at the end is actually unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

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    to "bille78": hey thanks for acting like you know all the details of my relationship to make such a statement. Im not accepting responsibly in this eh? did you read my post? I clearly do, probably more than I should based on what 99% of people who know the details are saying. you are the first person to shift the blame ENTIRELY on my shoulders. WHY did I get insecure? maybe because my GF never introduced me as her BF but as a friend. Maybe because she flirted with guys in front of me. Made jokes about cheating. Tells me she is sleeping with other guys and the says its a joke. Yes, I should feel secure in that situation. Yes she is the victim here. right. How the hell do you know she didnt cheat? you are taking about things you know nothing about and obviously have some axe to grind. I did EVERYTHING to ask her to vocalize the issues with me. I got silence and lies. She didnt try anything! what are you talking about?? I didn't write about spending money on her per se because of the money or that gives me some right to her, of Course not, I dont give a crap about that. I was trying to say I showed her in every way that I wanted her to always have fun and did the best I could. She continued to accept what I offered even after it was clear she didnt want to be with me anymore. That is what I am referring to. Having decency to say "im not feeing for you anymore so we should end this" instead of what she did which was treat me like crap to get me to break up because she didnt want to take responsibility for doing it. You talk about this as if you know all the facts. You dont . Dont be so arrogant to make such absolute statements. When did I say I was the greatest gift to women? Yes, I smothered her, she could have talked with me about it and we could have found a solution. Does that mean I am horrible persons because I smothered someone because they always had one foot out the door, were secretive, and never committed? you want me to feel worse than I do? Thanks for the support, really appreciate reading your reply.

    I did NOT try to buy her affection, it was no strings attached. I just meant gave to her in every way I could to show her how I felt about her. Im feeling rejected. is that oK Billie?
    Last edited by hp1; 03-19-2019 at 07:47 AM.

  8. #7
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    I think your anger may have stemmed from the verbiage used in the advice you received in your previous post.

    Not every responder is level headed themselves and any kind of extreme words should be taken with a grain of salt. Theyíre personalizing your situation with their own. Best way to develop another codependent relationship though!!!!

    You saw your role clear as day, you have adandonment issues you acknowledge that you became clingy and needy and began suffocating her, you acknowledge that, thatís your truth. Thereís no way for us to be able to come to the conclusion she was manipulating you or testing you or any that other extremist crap that was told to you so please start over.

    Thereís so much you can learn from all this, first and most importantly, at 50 you should have dealt with your abandonment issues long ago and I think you probably know that. The issues arenít going to just completely disappear and events with always risk triggering it, I have the same issues so I get it, but it doesnít seem you are managing it well at all, you kinda allow yourself to get completely enveloped by it. Thatís going to make dating very hard. I know that need to prove yourself is so strong it feels like itís controlling you, I have been there, you can get a better hold of it. And your depression. Do it for you, you deserve to be ok.

    Anger is normal though itís a stage in recovery, yours was kinda exasperated but still you can work through it and get to the next step, just take things one day at a time and consider seeing someone for a tune up.

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    thank you for your reply. I figured out that certain types of women that I have chosen in the past (emotionally unavailable) triggered (not cause) this trait in me, but with this woman I thought she was different based on our first few months. Then she dumped me without much explanation out of nowhere and thats when the abandonment stuff kicked in and I lost myself. All the people including my therapist who knew about the details of this all urged me to get out and said she is being manipulative. I told them, no, no its my fault, I need to give her space more. I ignored the flags and took on all the blame to avoid facing that she did not care about me as much. Before she broke up with me after that first 3 months, I was not smothering and I was balanced and it was very 50-50 type feeling. The power shift happened after that. We never should have got back together after she showed me she didnt take our relationship serious enough to even talk about any issues.

    I have been seeing a therapist and I am committed to finally dealing with these issues. If I was healthier I would have walked away months ago when the mistreatment started. I will not get into a serious relationship again until I have made progress with my side of why this failed and/or WHY I didnt value myself to walk away when it was causing me mental harm.

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    Glad to hear it HP1. Take time for yourself. You might be hurting now but everything gets better in the end. In a month or 2 the anger will be gone, especially with a therapist helping you work on yourself.

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    I responded to the details YOU provided only.
    You said the only thing you were guilty of was wanting to spend a lot of time with her and being too codependent.

    I think itís fair to assume that you didnít come up with that by yourself but that it was a discussion she had with you.

    Is that right or wrong?

    Your initial post makes it sound like everything was rosy and she pulled the wool over your eyes.
    But now you admit to turning a blind eye to all the red flags and yet you still wonít avvept any responsibility? Why not?

    You accuse me of responding not knowing the full details. Of course I didnít. But now that you have provided more I stand more firmly with my initial response. Why be angry at her when she never introduced you as a bf?
    Why did YOU accept that?

    Why did YOU want to spend all YOUR free time with someone who clearly didnít reciprocate?

    And why are YOU angry at her for not telling you what YOU thought was obvious the whole time?

    Why are you not taking any responsibility for where you are right now?

    Sorry but Iím here to help you not enable you.

    Donít be angry at me. Or her.
    In hindsight would you have behaved differently?

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