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Thread: Anger at DUMPER building as NC continues. How to deal with it?

  1. #81
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    But you completely ignored my post where I pointed out your need to delete the guy from your social media.

    Rainbows, lollipops and sunshine youíre invalidatong your own progress by keeping yourself tethered to him.

    You donít look, excellent, youíre still on his friends list and you know why.

    When it comes to exes, Iím not a big fan on block, delete, Especially not in the early days of a breakup. Most just unblock them anyway and are anxious about whether or not they were contacted while blocked anyway. But this guy is not your ex and you staying tethered to him is abour your refusal to let the accusation go, so be honest with yourself, you gotta do it. Itís going to help you let go.


    Also your lists of lessons learned... dude... ownership... your biggest brightest hitting you over the head lesson is to work through your abandonment issues ( your words) so you arenít ignoring blatant red flags like your girlfriend refusing to give you her address.

    One month out, youíre getting there keep going! Advice on healing to me at least isnít black and white, you can be encouraged to take bigger steps without you taking it as a challenge, you completely painted yourself as a wounded bird over a post, quit that, you can and will get through this, one day at a time, challenging yourself to remove her completely, holding yourself and your actions accountable, loving yourself first, putting your needs first.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 04-03-2019 at 07:42 AM.

  2. #82
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    some things I realized today. Funny how we can start to get some sense of clarity during NC since. not acting out and engaged in the drama of the relationshp/break up

    I realized that we both played a part in this. She was never the right woman for what I was looking for. I never had a relationship where I acted clingy and needy like this. And when I did, it was always because I was with an avoidant, or someone who runs away from closeness and intimacy.

    That said, as she got to know me, I picked up that I was also not her perfect match either. It's hard to say whether her not wanting a commitred relationship from the start created desperation in me which made her focus more on my negative traits, or she saw things in me that made her pull away and created that cycle. I'll never know and it doesn't matter actually. Because she was not the one for me and I was not where I needed to be in my development also.

    Its not her fault or my fault. Her style brought out that trait in me. BUT I do own it and need to (a) tune my radar to see flags and make better decisions no matter how great the sex is or how beautiful she is. I let myself get blinded there and (b) heal those things that make me react that way when feel someone get distant and pull away. Her mind games and jealousy ploys, hyper-secretiveness just exacerbated traits already in me. I need to work on those AND I need to look for someone who is not afraid to commit and get close. That's my thought for today anyway

    I know seems like I'm still obsessing but I feel less tension and anger having this realization.

  3. #83
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    FIO, I dont want to argue about my motives. Ive said that I am not unfriending him as he is still a client and I have no hard proof, so I cant rightly unfriend him. As I muted his post and stories and have zero desire to check his page, its a non-issue. Even if I were to check his page and see some activity from her on there, it wouldnt prove anything anyway, just more guessing. Ive no time for it. Thanks for your support as always. I stated in my lessons learned that I need to be aware of red flags and that I need to work on my issues. (see above as well). Feeling good today and life seems better each day. Working hard, eating well, and making new friends.

  4. #84
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    A day at a time is a good way to approach this - it is a journey, not a destination.

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  6. #85
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    still NC and feeling better everyday. things improving as I am facing situations and do things I avoided before. I guess because I am more cheerful and smiling more, people are more engaging and can sense im not a puddle of needs like I was. Only thing is this guy still come to class, he did yesterday. I just played it off and treated as client and minimum of contact but acted as friendly as I could muster. I guess I eventually I will get used to it and keep putting my business first over personal. More things realizing every day. Right now im just focus on making friends, doing things with groups, and focus my workouts and my business/career. Getting good results on all fronts. I guess she was like a drug to me. After a month away from her I feel healthy and like myself again. Not to say that she inherently bad, but the way I related to her was not healthy and she also did have lots of behaviors that triggered me. Not a good match. So far, so good..

  7. #86
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    happy to say still NC and bit happier and more outgoing each day. Amazing how much energy I have to put in my business when I am not obsessed like I was with her/us. All the money I used to spend on dinners etc, now buying better groceries for myself. Have not drank in a month and going to gym everyday. cooking, cleaning my apartment more and talking to many people I meet randomly during the day. More outgoing and asking people about them instead of taking about me so much. I am a much closer version of 'me' than I have been in the past year. Really lost myself in the relationship trying to be what I thought she wanted and bend over backwards to avoid being left. But that is exactly what happened. Big blessing in disguise. can see all her manipulates and lies with this new distance. Still in the anger phase and cursing her name daily, but im sure will pass and at least not contacting in any way shape or form. Things continue to improve. Working on sorting my business and social life and its very rewarding.

  8. #87
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Good job, HP.

  9. #88
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Hey, hp. I read your first post only because it usually carries the most unadulterated emotions in a thread without your thoughts being filtered down or confused by other side topics.

    The one resonating factor that stood out to me is that there's a child involved and yet this situation seems to revolve only around you. I do believe you when you say she's out of your league. I don't mean that in an American Pie sense but more of general maturity or lived experience. I don't think you're to blame but you should let go of that anger in order to grow forward. Acknowledge your anger because it's a tool/indicator that there are things to learn but don't hold on to it to the point where you hurt yourself or create prolonged issues that don't need to exist.

    You're already one step closer to a better life (she's not in your life!) and why be with someone who makes you unhappy?

    I'd also encourage you to be more conservative with your money. You seem like a naturally generous person. I'm a bit like you too but it's not actually about money. Money and gifts also have the potential to create powerful dynamics in relationships that may not be ready for it. Be more careful how you introduce gifts and money in relationships as they will alter the dynamic, no matter how generous you feel. Wishing you lots of peace and happiness going forwards.

  10. #89
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    Thank you Rose, appreciate the comments (and also CF for the support!). I want to just reiterate that although I feel angry at her still, I know I carry the responsibility since I ignored the red flags and also I could have ended this bad situation at any point, but let fear of unknown/being alone/addiction? to her influence my decisions. Yes, she played me in many ways, but I let it continue.

    I agree that she is more mature than I and that anyone who has kids is by and large by default. I am in some ways emotionally like a teenager, I realize this. And this is the other part I do not blame her for and that I need to work out with a therapist or someone, to heal those old wounds that result in codependent type behaviors. I am not fooled that these issues are gone because she is gone. They will come right back as soon I get strong attachment feelings for someone else. So I will do the work I needed to do years ago.

    There is no clear blame here, we are both responsible for creating the dynamic that was created. Im doing my best now to become more like my old self and repair my work and social life, but still the approval-seeking and people pleasing that seems to arise in certain dynamics with certain types of people also needs to really be examined and healed.

    Agreed about money. That is another part of the teenager/immature part of my thinking that arises when influenced strongly by emotion. I just wanted to show her the best time I could, even if it meant I didnt have the money and went into debt. That was (a) irresponsible and (b) a bit manipulative since im sure some part of me unconsciously was thinking if gave her enough, she would be nice to me again or realize how much I love her that I am spending money I dont even have. Another lesson to remember for the next time.

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