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Thread: Anger at DUMPER building as NC continues. How to deal with it?

  1. #51
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    Thank you, yes that is more clear. I took exception I guess to you comment about writing novels. I don't want to feel I have to limit what I write here, that's all.

    She is still popping in my head, and I am having flashbacks of moments with her. I DID push some friends away who were initially sympathetic but grew tired. I have stepped away and do not discuss with anyone anymore. Hopefully in time, those people who are distancing themselves will come back, but if not nothing I can do. I need to learn to stop chasing people, anyone who rejects me - I am working on that.

    I just dont know what to do with all these realizations I have now, how I can see so clearly how she was never committed as I recall things she said and did (that I decided to rationalize initially) and also how I just made a mess of everything with her and my peers. I WANT ( I wont) to tell her that I am not stupid and I know how she always had one foot out the door, how I know she lied about certain things. But I know it changes nothing, other than she would know Im not a blind as she thought. I won't say this to her, but the feeling is there.

    I also need to be prepared if I bump into her on the street (she sometimes takes a class in my neighborhood) as to what to say. Ignore completely,. just say "hello, hope you are well" and keep walking, or stop and talk for few moments. I dont know at this point how I would handle that, or even a text from her. Im not naive enough to know the any text from her would be nothing more than for her to see if she still had power over me or just boredom/curiosity. I do not want to get back with her as I feel much better now than I did when with her. I am eating better, smiling, and sleeping a bit better. I dont worry all day what she is thinking or where we stand like I did towards the end of the relationship. That was a self-created living hell.

    I know I wont hear from her, but just in case I should have some kind of plan. She is off to more successful and interesting men in her eyes, so no I've no misconceptions about getting back together. I would not want to either as she is not someone I could trust.

  2. #52
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    I think if I saw my ex again (we have around 40 mutual friends thankfully the majority she met through me) I would just say hello, smile and keep going. Just be civil even if they don't deserve it. Why waste anymore energy than neccessary on them?

  3. #53
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    I don't know would just feel so weird to not stop and talk, even though I know it changes nothing. We didn't have huge big fight type break up. Just me finally giving in to her excuses about why can't continue. I know what you said is probably best thing to do but it's only 4 weeks ago we were out together(the day of BU). It's strange to just walk past but it's probably best

  4. #54
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    Man, I've so much anger towards her, its very odd..she isn't even my life anymore. Just for sake to get irrational thoughts out of my thinking ..
    - I hate that she took away the one person with whom I felt close (she knows me better than anyone else living). And the fact she left after that makes it worse! (the person who knew you best rejects you? How can not take that personally?)

    - I hate that now I don't have anyone to go out with to try new places or do things (I didn't do things with anyone else. I know, these are ridiculous and I need find new friends - I'm just writing here)
    - I hate her for thinking I am worthless piece of trash she can just throw away when got bored.
    - I hate her for always having other guys lined up/flirting and never being serious enough about us to try work through some issues, but never telling me in her mind we weren't serious.
    - hate her for dumping me back into my ty, lonely life that was briefly fun and exciting when were together (initially).

    I'm sure I'll think of others. Just venting. I know points above are largely invalid, but...just feel crappy and angry alone on a Friday night watching couples laughing and holding hands like we used to. Want to punch them lol. Angry she took that away. Yes there is a 15 year old in me calling the emotional shots right now.

    Let the victim bells ring out!

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    For me, I don't like feeling angry - its a flag to me that I wasn't in control of some variable and that I need to learn a skill. If the anger is a stage you want to hang out in for awhile, don't let me stop you! Love your celebration of it with "victim bells" !

    I end up saying "I put myself in his path" or "I didn't invest in my friends and now I see how important they are" or "I knew he wanted kids/money/status/etc and i thought I could overcome it, now I see that my ego could stand down a bit! Next time, listen to your instincts."

    Good thread. Keep up the good work!

  7. #56
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    hp1 i would seek some kind of help, it might sound extreme but discussing this and your codependancy issues with a pro might help you get over it for once and for all.

    It's still quite early so i get that the anger comes and goes BUT if it stays seek help. What IAMFCA said is true, it's just making you make a victim of yourself and that is not healthy.

  8. #57
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    In reference to what to do about the realizations, I only have myself so Iíll give an example of what I did.

    While married there was a woman who just seemed to be around my ex husband a lot and I could tell she really likes him, like she went out of her way to be around him.

    Before our divorce was final they were together as a couple.

    I had friends ask, omg do you think he cheated?!?

    And I say to them what difference does it make now? We canít get divorced again.

    I would be angry too in your situation. But it canít be undone, everythingís already happened. It sucks and itís unfortunate but youíre right telling her you know would do nothing but probably give her fuel to say Ďsee heís xyzí believe it or not by removing yourself completely from the situation, your ego chills out with time and no ones obsessing over who you are as a person. Sheís not focused on getting over on you, she doesnít sound like a very good person so Iím sure sheís not giving it a second thought. She selfishly did what she felt was best for her. It sucks, very much, but you canít keep trying to rectify it, there is no rectifying it just sucks.

    What you can do write a letter to her and him spill out everything how you feel, how you were betrayed all of it and aunbolically burn it. No it wonít make the pain disappear only time and proper healing can do that but I think it may help.

  9. #58
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    I'm doing well not contacting her (it's been 4 weeks) and she hasn't contacted either so seems like she has moved on. I don't look at any of her social media either which is helping. One thing I could use some advice on..

    The guy who is/was my client in my class (doesn't come much anymore since she stopped coming) goes to my gym where I teach. He is the one i very strongly suspect she was with during the last few months and most likely dating now. Whether it's true or not, my feeling tells me something whole is there and regardless I don't have good feeling about him, to put it mildly. The thing is guy still comments and likes on my social media and I sometimes bump into him at the gym. It's very distressing and just reminds me of the whole ordeal. I won't leave this gym since it's where I work and I can't block the guy because he may get vindictive and spread rumors or influence other members in our community to not attend my class.

    What I know of him is that he is devious and cutthroat in business so he could enjoy these kind of games. I know he lied to my face about his level of involvement with her so I'm sure lying about more.

    I don't want him in my class and I don't want him involved in my social media but I also don't want to find out how low he will go to hurt my business. He already poisoned my ex against me which if nothing else expedited the end for us. He is this type of guy. Win at all costs. And I want to choke him everytime I see him.
    What can I do to mitigate this?

  10. #59
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Honestly?

    Stop.

    Youíre manic right now. Well thatís what I call it; the jump from one thought to the next to the next to the next back to some old thought ok onto the next, I think itís maybe a fear to just sit with everything so you keep your brain overthinking because itís a distraction while allowing that person to stay in the forefront of our minds.

    And my advice is stop or at least try to.

    It went from your fault to hers to now his.

    Itís all very circular. To be honest you could EASILY stop all these interactions by cutting them out of your life,
    True right and letís be honest at the very least youíd Ďhideí seeing them on social media. My guess is you arenít there yet, not criticism just acknowledgment. I think for the most part if someone had an affair with someone elseís significant other they would expect to be cut off, itís only natural. Heís a human being flesh and blood as is she, and if you are right, big IF since itís speculation, you have every right and honestly an obligation to your wellbeing to cut them completely out of your life. But you arenít.

    Like I said my advice is to stop and attempt to walk yourself off the ledge.

    What Iím about to say is to kinda throw cold water on you not to insult you or anything else.

    A snake isnít going to get into a house without cracks.

    What I mean is if you truly believe he manipulated her away from you, the reality is he wouldnít have been able to get in had there not been cracks or previous issues already there.


    Next, Look up, look at your post from a few days ago. you believed she was never fully involved in the relationship and thought low of you and kinda manipulated and used you. Well it makes your thoughts and anger towards him even more illogical doesnít it? Thatís the beauty of writing your thoughts out, itís kinda physical evidence of that Ďmaniaí, look at your posting. Itís kinda everywhere isnít it?

    How to mitigate all this stop slow down just be in the moment. Believe it or not allowing whatever natural emotions you have about this including the pain of the recognition that itís ovee will probably hurt less than the scenarios youíre curewntly creating.

    Like I said on my previous post whatever was done is done. It hurts, no doubt about it and youíre arill kinda in the early stages but youíre going to have to drop the corpse of your relationship, itís weighing you down, itís infecting you, itís over powering you.

    Try to disengage. Easier said than done I know but I really think you should try to let go of the whys and howís. Not because you don't deserve to know but because that corpse is over powering you. Hey even rose let jack go to survive!

    One day at a time HP try to disengage a little more each day. You donít have to rip the baindaid off but start peeling it.

    Have you given thought to the letter idea?

  11. #60
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    I know what you are saying. But I asked a very specific question about how to handle seeing this guy in real life at my gym. It seems all my posts are about explaining myself to you.
    you say I am manic. I know this: my depression and sleep problems have all about lifted with no medicine. Just my staying no contact and focusing on work and being more social. If that s manic, then manic is working for me since I am feeling better than I have in 6-7 months and feel like myself again. People are approaching me more and say I seem much better. The way you write makes it seem I have made little progress.

    Here is what I know.

    1. I have not ONCE contacted her or looked at her social media for 4 weeks, since the break up AND I HAVE NO URGE TO. I am not pining for her or wanting to get back with her. So I have come a tremendous distance in just 4 weeks. how can you say I am hung up? people pine for ex's for YEARS sometimes! I am just dealing with anger now. I have already moved on from sadness in just a few weeks! I DONT WANT HER BACK, I just dont know what emotions are 'accurate' (for lack of a better word) since I dont know how much my, hers, or his played a part in what happened. It's the unknown part that I cant seem to let go of, NOT HER. I don't want her, we will never be compatible.

    2. I have hidden all his social media as well, but not unfriended because I can not prove with 100%. certainty he is with her now or was. I know he was involved somehow but I dont know the extent. As I said he is/was a client ( I dont know anymore) and he knows lots of people in my client community so he could do a lot of damage to my business if feels slighted and starts saying malicious things about me.

    The reason I am all over the place is I did not get absolute answers to what exactly happened. I think its pretty normal for the mind to want answers and know what exactly happened after such a horrible experience. Or I am the only person in history. I dont know. So did they plan this together? Did he influence her? I know he couldn't have if she wasn't unhappy already, but he may have execrated or outright lied to suit his agenda. I saw and heard things from both of them over the course of 6 months that it is enough to know something was amiss. I just did not get the smoking gun. I am blaming her, me and him since I just dont know exactly how it went down. I know I may not ever know, but that doesn't stop the mind from wanting answers to a trauma.

    Anyway, I guess my mind will stop asking this question in time. I am focused on work and have already turned my business back around and rebuilding friendships. You make it sounds as if I am completely stuck. Ive made a lot of progress. I simply wanted some advice from a few people on how to handle this guy when I see him. Ignore? Make fake small talk? For that matter when/if I bump into her since she sometimes comes to my area for classes. Ignore? Say hello and keep walking?

    Ive never been in this situation before so I dont know what to do and again without her admitting she cheated or caught them (although its pretty clear), I dont know how much I can act on it in terms of ignoring this guy.

    To be honest I don't want to see or hear from either of them. With her its easy, but he goes to my gym so no way to avoid.

    Thats all I wanted to know - how to handle when bump into him. Yes I can try the letter. Its a good idea I will try it.

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