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Thread: Anger at DUMPER building as NC continues. How to deal with it?

  1. #41
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    Ok, some things to be said here. For one, nothing is better than coffee. Nothing :P

    Seriously though. I was not shaming my ex, I just said that we had a very strong physical connection and it made it hard to sometimes be objective about us. I really loved (and still do) that aspect, but obviously that is icing on the cake and there was no cake in our relationship.

    Seems like some are putting her to blame mainly and others are resting the responsibility for the demise entirely on my shoulders. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. For one, I am NOT a needy, insecure, and people pleaser ALL THE TIME and I wasn't even in this relationship UNTIL SHE DUMPED ME SUDDENLY which I guess triggered some abandonment crap in me. I acted this way from that point forward, but before then we acted more like equals and 'power' was even for the most part.

    Even so, I'm not blaming her for my issues, simply saying that i've been with women where I DIDN'T act this way. I acted this way in response to what I was experiencing which was an air of distrust and jealousy ploys. Again, I'll take responsibility for that too since it means my 'picker' is off and I seem to gravitate toward emotionally unavailable or abusive partners for whatever reason (familiar to me I guess based on old issues). She clearly was one and but you cant know this because you were not in the relationship of course, but merely going by my words which are lacking to paint a full picture.

    Also, I know I should not let myself fall for someone so quickly before getting to know them better. Although my life before her was much more stable and no drama, I guess I didnt realize how lonely I was until I got to have a partner to and spend fun times and do things together. Another lesson, I need more friends and to go do things on my own more. I relied on her too much to be my whole social world - again..thats on me. But she also lied, was manipulative, and was disrespectful. I can hear it now..yes, I allowed it. I picked badly as she was not a committed partner from the beginning and I ignored the signs and let my hope blind me. I tried to revive her initial excitement she had in the honeymoon phase by overcompensating, but lost myself in the process. The combination of giving up my identity and staying in a nebulous relationship is what created my depression.

    So, yes I need to work on these issue before pairing up in the future. But I also need to make better choices and not fall so fast for someone based on strong physical connection and be more slow to invest until the other has proven themselves to be committed and trustworthy.

    I know the moment I should have walked away. Came to me this morning. Once when she just started to pull away and her feelings were fading, we were having coffee and see was on her phone texting others the entire time, barely looking at me. We only had 20 minutes to spend together that time, so I asked her if she wouldn't mind not texting the whole time since our time was so short. The look of anger and hatred in her eyes for making such a request. She gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the short visit and refused to discuss it. That was enough to say this is not going to work. She couldn't see my point at all and instead of discussion it, stonewalled me. Anyway, I take responsibly for not leaving earlier, for investing too much and too soon before knowing her better, and also for not maintaining the life I had before her and switched to relying on her too much to feel happy.

    Im not sure even if I didnt lose myself or become insecure/needy/uninteresting towards the end that it would have worked. I don't think she was ever looking for what I was from the beginning (a committed relationship) and we also didnt have enough in common to make it past the honeymoon phase. I didn't want to lose her, so I changed and once I did that, it just hastened the eventual end.

    I didnt feel she cared enough about the relationship to tell her I had fallen into a serious depression. I think she just would have left, so I hid it. What I regret about that is she probably just saw me a lazy and unambitious as personality trait, instead of a temporary condition. The depression is lifting already just weeks after being apart from her and im working as hard as I can everyday to rebuild my life.

    Lastly, I also never thought I could go 2 weeks as I have done so far with NC. I couldn't imagine not texting her for even a day. So Im doing better than I thought I could.
    Last edited by hp1; 03-22-2019 at 11:35 PM.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Your entire response was the epitome of “ I know I’m wrong buuuuut”

    The most I’m willing to say is she triggered your abandonment issues and even then it’s no ones fault for that.

    You keep saying I know were both to blame but unlike before where you owned your part you hit that fork in the road where you had two options

    Continue healthy recover (hard)

    Diagnose her with a mental disability so none of this is my fault and I can feel relief from the pain temporarily. (Easy)

    Guess which one you chose.

    I realize you didn’t get there on your own.

    Codependence happens even on this board. Ex diagosers ( I’m willing to bed a shiny quarter there’s a clinical term for this phenomenon seriously on this site alone search narcissist, you think every other person walking this earth was an unfeeling psychopath.) love to get others to join them in their obsession. then they get to feel even more validated. That’s the thing HP us humans, we can be very self centered and we’re all about self preservation even if we don’t know the healthiest way to preserve ourself.

    When you wrote all that I know you ignored where I said “I don’t care if she’s a serial killer” and I don’t, because she’s not here, you’re broken up and she’s going to be her until the day she dies, but guess what? You’re here! You know what your issues are and you are fully capable of working through them, as soon as you accept that even negative thoughts about her is an attempt to keep her in the forefront of your thoughts.

    You chased a lot of friends away obsessing over this break up that wasn’t enough of a wake up call you need to stop? You claimed it was but look at that post above mine.

    She’s still the focus of everything. Still.

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Your entire response was the epitome of “ I know I’m wrong buuuuut”

    The most I’m willing to say is she triggered your abandonment issues and even then it’s no ones fault for that.

    You keep saying I know were both to blame but unlike before where you owned your part you hit that fork in the road where you had two options

    Continue healthy recover (hard)

    Diagnose her with a mental disability so none of this is my fault and I can feel relief from the pain temporarily. (Easy)

    Guess which one you chose.

    I realize you didn’t get there on your own.

    Codependence happens even on this board. Ex diagosers ( I’m willing to bed a shiny quarter there’s a clinical term for this phenomenon seriously on this site alone search narcissist, you think every other person walking this earth was an unfeeling psychopath.) love to get others to join them in their obsession. then they get to feel even more validated. That’s the thing HP us humans, we can be very self centered and we’re all about self preservation even if we don’t know the healthiest way to preserve ourself.

    When you wrote all that I know you ignored where I said “I don’t care if she’s a serial killer” and I don’t, because she’s not here, you’re broken up and she’s going to be her until the day she dies, but guess what? You’re here! You know what your issues are and you are fully capable of working through them, as soon as you accept that even negative thoughts about her is an attempt to keep her in the forefront of your thoughts.

    You chased a lot of friends away obsessing over this break up that wasn’t enough of a wake up call you need to stop? You claimed it was but look at that post above mine.

    She’s still the focus of everything. Still.
    You are painting everything in black and white. 2 ways exist: easy and hard. She is not responsible at all for anything happening, I am 100% at responsible. Perfect recovery from this, or I am doing it wrong/easy. I do read everything you write. Many times over in fact. And I am very grateful for anyone who adds to this thread with the intention to help. I agree armchair mental disorder diagnosis is rampant. Does not also mean that in some cases its not true and it does not mean that there is some small part of that that can help folks in the INITIAL phase of a breakup. Let me take a step back and look at the bigger picture here. This is what I know and these are facts I have observed...

    - I got into a toxic relationship (me, her, both our issues - doesn't matter) and I did not feel I have the WHEREWITHAL (emotional strength, self esteem, desire to abandon hope..) to get myself out of it.

    - For all intensive purposes, I was addicted to WHATEVER (her/the relationship/naive hope/not wanting to be alone again...doesn't matter) and continued to stay stuck and my life was falling apart day by day.

    - Through the help of these boards, therapy (yes, I have been going), and reading/reflecting, I concluded finally that trying to get her back (the short term solution to stopping the discomfort) is not possible (she doesn't want me anymore) and is avoiding the work I need to do. Even if I could get her back, would not be good since nothing would change as neither of us has changed in any big way that would suggest it would be different this time. I accept she does not want me anymore for whatever reason(s)

    - Somehow, I have found the strength to be able to NOT contact her or investigate her life for the past 2+ weeks, something I didn't think I could do.

    - I've been focusing hard on my work. I have been smiling and making conversation with strangers. I had a large class yesterday and good response due to my efforts. People are noticing I look better and smiling more. I ask about them and I don't talk about her (Just on these boards). I feel more like myself. So being away from her (like a drug that is bad for you) I am starting to feel better.

    If part of what is keeping me on this path of not contacting her and focusing on recreating my life is thinking that she is bad for me based on her personality and way she treated me SO WHAT??? Does that make this 100% easy? No! But isn't whatever gets the person functioning again (albeit not perfectly as in your eyes) the most important thing?

    Read what I wrote again. I did NOT place the blame entirely on her but I will also NOT place it entirely on me, as you suggested I do. Sorry. it's just not the case and I won't. I am not vilifying her and shirking responsibility. I allowed this to continue and my issues kept me from exiting earlier. But realizing how being with someone displaying very shady behavior (even early on) and how that is not a good partner for me is ALSO useful information to both help me continue to stay away from her and make better partner choices in the future.

    Friends and acquaintances are seeing a big change in me and have told me so. I am focusing on work all day instead of searching the web on 'how to get your ex back' or 'traits of a narc'. Yea, I did that the first week. I think I am bouncing back quite quickly thus far.

    Am I doing this perfectly? No. Do I have to? No.

    Do I sometimes wish I would hear from her to know that she still cares on some level? Do I wonder if she thinks about me sometimes? Sure, and I think that's pretty normal. Does it help me recover? No.

    Am I contacting her or spending large parts of the day obsessed with the break up like I was doing? No.

    I am not going to get over this in just 2 or 3 weeks, so yes she is still on my mind but she is becoming less and less of a focus as I tackle rebuilding friendships are sorting my job situation here.

    Thanks as always for your directness and intention. Please keep it coming...

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23

    Diagnose her with a mental disability so none of this is my fault and I can feel relief from the pain temporarily. (Easy)

    ....

    She’s still the focus of everything. Still.
    FIO, I don't often disagree with you, but with respect -

    It is Ok for Hp1 to be angry. In fact he needs to be angry and get it out. Otherwise he won't process through the stages.

    Right now, he is processing normally - anger is normal, and it's anger about her/the break-up, so yes it will be focused on her behavior 2-3 weeks out.

    The time for self effacing introspection, and learning, comes later in the process, which I talked about on a previous page.

  5.  

  6. #45
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    Still been NC and getting used to not being in contact with her. Of course still get stuck on certain thoughts like why did she say/do this or why did I do that, etc etc but I know it changes nothing. I'm facing things I've put off while with her and being more friendly and talking to people, trying make friends, and focus on work. I can see now as my addiction to her is starting to lift that there were many things that I should of have noted suggesting she was not looking for something as committed as I was. So many signs right in my face but I was blissfully in denial. She did not create the needy/fear response I had in reaction to her behavior so I need to continue to work on that with awareness and counseling. The next time I notice signs or behavior that don't match with what I'm looking for in a partner, no matter how hard it may be or fond initial memories or hope, if like to value myself enough to walk away and move on instead of what I did here which was cling for dear life to a dead relationship. I need to keep the reasons we will never work in mind so that in the unlikely case she gets bored, wants to see if still has some power over me, etc and contacts me, I won't revert to hope or magical thinking that this time could be different. I must keep grounded in reality of what happened and why it didn't work on both ends to avoid repeating. I'm sure she won't, but exs are known to get curious and reach out at some point. It's only been 3-4 weeks and I'm feeling better and people say I seem more like myself again. But I must work on this codependency trait or will happen again at the first sign of a future partner wanting space, having bad day, etc.

    So far so good.

  7. #46
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    Still NC which is good. But also still angry at her and myself. Ive come to realize that she came to my class in order to meet other means backups, since she ended up going with one. She would get every guys social media contact after class. These were my ciients! Worse than her using my class as, a place to monkey branch, is me not seeing it (or didnt want to think she would actually be doing that). I never should have mixed my clients and her together. Anyway, its over now and lesson learned. it was my fault. Just thinking about it gets me furious. But only hurts me I know, not her. What I am most angry is at myself for losing focus on my life, giving someone that much power over my self worth, and not ending things sooner. I know, ive said this before, but I guess am stuck at this point for a while. Right or wrong, its where I am at. At least not sad and pining for her or contacting AND I am working day and night on my business and tying to sort my life. Just stuck being mad at her (and at me). Does no good I know..

  8. #47
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    FIO, I don't often disagree with you, but with respect -

    It is Ok for Hp1 to be angry. In fact he needs to be angry and get it out. Otherwise he won't process through the stages.

    Right now, he is processing normally - anger is normal, and it's anger about her/the break-up, so yes it will be focused on her behavior 2-3 weeks out.

    The time for self effacing introspection, and learning, comes later in the process, which I talked about on a previous page.
    Anger is normal. Said that. The hyper focus on her is not. Also said that. He will never reach that phase if he doesn’t redirect the boat now. Plenty of people codependently coddled on this board stay here in the same spot healing wise for ~years~ because no one told them don’t do this. So I’m telling him. He has the ultimate choice though.

    If a poster states even his friends are bailing because he won’t stop talking about his ex and he’s now writing mini novels about her on this board, I think it would be irresponsible to not point that out and help him redirect his energy in a different way.

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Anger is normal. Said that. The hyper focus on her is not. Also said that. He will never reach that phase if he doesn’t redirect the boat now. Plenty of people codependently coddled on this board stay here in the same spot healing wise for ~years~ because no one told them don’t do this. So I’m telling him. He has the ultimate choice though.

    If a poster states even his friends are bailing because he won’t stop talking about his ex and he’s now writing mini novels about her on this board, I think it would be irresponsible to not point that out and help him redirect his energy in a different way.
    I have stopped talking about it with friends weeks ago. I apologized and now letting time do its thing and keep my mouth shut about it. I am working my ass off on my business now (are you actually reading what I wrote?). Is it not better to write "novels" on here for all of the 2 minutes of my day then to be contacting her and griping and exteralizing this? An I not allowed to voice my feelings if they are not rational or constructive? So no credit for what I've been able to do. You just keep focusing on what I'm doing wrong. I've come a long way in the last 4 weeks and I've not reached out to her once. I don't think you quite appreciatr the mental state I've been in for months. This is major turn around for me. Sorry I'm not doing to your standard or speed of recovery. I'm proud of how handling this, but you are entitled to your opinion. And I'll write as much as I want if it helps me. You don't have to read it if the length annoys you.

  10. #49
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    Is there something you've always wanted to do but put it off for one reason or another? Because you "can't right now" or are "too busy" or whatever? Now is the time! Take that trip, take that class, whatever it is, now is an excellent time.

    I moved to a city I loved to visit when I was keeping myself stuck and obsessing over my ex and his girlfriend. It did me a world of good. I still live here, love it and he is erased from my life (except for when I write about him here as an example). And I have done so many things and traveled to places I'd been wanting to after I left his area. I wasn't doing it before because I was spending my free time doing drive bys, hounding his friends and family for intel on him and going places I knew he'd be because I was hoping he and his girlfriend would break up and he'd come back to me (barf).

    So, whatever it is you want to do, do it! Even if it's something small.

  11. #50
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by hp1
    I have stopped talking about it with friends weeks ago. I apologized and now letting time do its thing and keep my mouth shut about it. I am working my ass off on my business now (are you actually reading what I wrote?). Is it not better to write "novels" on here for all of the 2 minutes of my day then to be contacting her and griping and exteralizing this? An I not allowed to voice my feelings if they are not rational or constructive? So no credit for what I've been able to do. You just keep focusing on what I'm doing wrong. I've come a long way in the last 4 weeks and I've not reached out to her once. I don't think you quite appreciatr the mental state I've been in for months. This is major turn around for me. Sorry I'm not doing to your standard or speed of recovery. I'm proud of how handling this, but you are entitled to your opinion. And I'll write as much as I want if it helps me. You don't have to read it if the length annoys you.
    WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

    Off the ledge.

    Let me clarify.

    I feel I am, but apparently not so lets go through it...




    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    Typical NPD stuff.

    You need to put this psycho well behind you.
    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    And they are usually quite dirty in bed and promiscuous.

    She is hitting all the markers, HP1.

    You do not need this in your life.
    My below response was to the above

    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Nothing like sl*t shaming and arm chair diagnosing first thing in the morning!

    Better than coffee!

    HP she could be a serial killer it doesn’t take away from the fact that you’re a codependent insecure and needy (your words) people pleaser.

    Focus on that please.
    Your response to me was this

    Originally Posted by hp1
    Ok, some things to be said here. For one, nothing is better than coffee. Nothing :P

    Seriously though. I was not shaming my ex, I just said that we had a very strong physical connection and it made it hard to sometimes be objective about us. I really loved (and still do) that aspect, but obviously that is icing on the cake and there was no cake in our relationship.

    Seems like some are putting her to blame mainly and others are resting the responsibility for the demise entirely on my shoulders. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. For one, I am NOT a needy, insecure, and people pleaser ALL THE TIME and I wasn't even in this relationship UNTIL SHE DUMPED ME SUDDENLY which I guess triggered some abandonment crap in me. I acted this way from that point forward, but before then we acted more like equals and 'power' was even for the most part.

    Even so, I'm not blaming her for my issues, simply saying that i've been with women where I DIDN'T act this way. I acted this way in response to what I was experiencing which was an air of distrust and jealousy ploys. Again, I'll take responsibility for that too since it means my 'picker' is off and I seem to gravitate toward emotionally unavailable or abusive partners for whatever reason (familiar to me I guess based on old issues). She clearly was one and but you cant know this because you were not in the relationship of course, but merely going by my words which are lacking to paint a full picture.

    Also, I know I should not let myself fall for someone so quickly before getting to know them better. Although my life before her was much more stable and no drama, I guess I didnt realize how lonely I was until I got to have a partner to and spend fun times and do things together. Another lesson, I need more friends and to go do things on my own more. I relied on her too much to be my whole social world - again..thats on me. But she also lied, was manipulative, and was disrespectful. I can hear it now..yes, I allowed it. I picked badly as she was not a committed partner from the beginning and I ignored the signs and let my hope blind me. I tried to revive her initial excitement she had in the honeymoon phase by overcompensating, but lost myself in the process. The combination of giving up my identity and staying in a nebulous relationship is what created my depression.

    So, yes I need to work on these issue before pairing up in the future. But I also need to make better choices and not fall so fast for someone based on strong physical connection and be more slow to invest until the other has proven themselves to be committed and trustworthy.

    I know the moment I should have walked away. Came to me this morning. Once when she just started to pull away and her feelings were fading, we were having coffee and see was on her phone texting others the entire time, barely looking at me. We only had 20 minutes to spend together that time, so I asked her if she wouldn't mind not texting the whole time since our time was so short. The look of anger and hatred in her eyes for making such a request. She gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the short visit and refused to discuss it. That was enough to say this is not going to work. She couldn't see my point at all and instead of discussion it, stonewalled me. Anyway, I take responsibly for not leaving earlier, for investing too much and too soon before knowing her better, and also for not maintaining the life I had before her and switched to relying on her too much to feel happy.

    Im not sure even if I didnt lose myself or become insecure/needy/uninteresting towards the end that it would have worked. I don't think she was ever looking for what I was from the beginning (a committed relationship) and we also didnt have enough in common to make it past the honeymoon phase. I didn't want to lose her, so I changed and once I did that, it just hastened the eventual end.

    I didnt feel she cared enough about the relationship to tell her I had fallen into a serious depression. I think she just would have left, so I hid it. What I regret about that is she probably just saw me a lazy and unambitious as personality trait, instead of a temporary condition. The depression is lifting already just weeks after being apart from her and im working as hard as I can everyday to rebuild my life.

    Lastly, I also never thought I could go 2 weeks as I have done so far with NC. I couldn't imagine not texting her for even a day. So Im doing better than I thought I could.
    The other responses are on this page, in case theres still some confusion. NO I am not saying its not better to vent here than to go to her. It IS better. You SHOULD do that. Never said anger isnt natural and normal it is! Keep going through this naturally, post here, be sad, be angry, but YOU said you pushed people away with focusing on her too much, so Im sorry but yes I do think it might be time to limit your thoughts about her.

    Im not attempting to insult you, or tell you, you shouldn't be hurting, what Im saying is based on your posts, I think it would be beneficial if you tried to limit your thoughts about her ESPECIALLY the road of diagnosing her which causes the person to think MORE about their ex not less.

    I hope that cleared things up.

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