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Thread: Anger at DUMPER building as NC continues. How to deal with it?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I promise you so many of us have been right where you are, donnot feel bad.

    Iím glad youíre easing up. One day at a time and yes 10 days is very impressive. Keep it going!

  2. #22
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    You will process it faster if you acknowledge your complicity in this. You are not a victim, but happily went along for the ride. Your relationship was never good, yet you plodded on- read your other thread.

    Once you take responsibility for dating and staying with this woman, you will grow. Are you seeing help for your co dependency?

  3. #23
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    " I had this beautiful, sexy, smart, charismatic, confident, fit woman."

    These are the "attributes" you seek? How about someone with good character, trustworthy, respectful and loving. C'mon dude, if you are only seeking superficial qualities, then this is what you will get.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    While anger is a natural stage of grieving, you are faced with a choice only you can make. Either view yourself as victimized, which robs you of the opportunity to gain confidence in the lessons you've learned about your own behavior and your ability to navigate relationships going forward, or view yourself as paying the tuition for your lessons learned and gain some resilience from that as a life skill.

    The problem with victimization is that it sets you up to view yourself as forever at the mercy of other people's lousy judgement. I'd prefer to replace the judgment of others with my own--but the only way to do that is to avoid blaming someone else for my own choices.

    We can only be abused to the degree that we are willing to stick around and put up with it.

    Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you are too needy or lacking in self respect to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

    It's always on us to recognize snakes and walk away.

    Head high.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    I agree with Holly BUT I still donít think it made it ok for her to treat you the way she did. Sorry youíre hurt....just know youíre not alone and itís NOT your fault, just learn the lesson

  7. #26
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    First, you were dumped and anger is a normal part of the process you will now go through.

    I do not think it is helpful to have a discussion here about who was culpable in the break-up, or to think about her culpability at all.

    The situation is what it is. How it got there, except in one respect (see below), is in the dustbin of history.

    Whomever did what, the advice to get through the grief process is exactly the same.

    You can't flick a switch and turn off the anger, so don't try.

    You say you didn't beg/plead. Good. And you are not contacting. Also good.

    You will move from the denial/anger phase to the bargaining phase. You should stick to no contact so that you do not project that onto the ex. Doing so will only retard the process.

    So bargain with your self instead. You need to do it in some fashion, without trying to suppress it. Will I (a) contact the ex, or (b) should I go to the gym and pump some iron? Think about why option (b) is better, and then go and do it.

    Eventually your addiction to her will fade - estimates on this vary, but it is months, not weeks, and it will fade quicker if you replace it with a healthy addiction such as endorphins generated by exercise.

    The next stage is, unfortunately, depression. All you can do about that is keep working on improving yourself (exercise, work, study). Give yourself achievable goals - I will lose 4kg this month, increase my bench press by 10 pounds, and grab some more overtime at work. Time is the great healer here, and Rome wasn't built in a day. Just get out of bed and stick to your program.

    It is at this stage you get to the exception I referred to above. You are naturally going to ponder the relationship, so instead of wallowing in self pity, direct those thoughts to what you could have done better. In that way, you convert this part of the process into something useful, that equips you better for the future.

    Some writers say the last stage is acceptance. I think there is another stage - emotional detachment - which will come in time.

    Also, some writers say the anger comes after the bargaining, but this is not really a strictly linear process, you can go backwards and forwards over time.

    And yes I dealt with it successfully -by maintaining an outward facade of civility and politeness through the break-up, saying no to friendship, going no contact, then letting the anger out by running up hills* and letting time do its work.

    [*I recommend listening to Metallica or Motorhead while doing this. Anger requires angry music.]

  8. #27
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    To Holly: yes., thanks to this thread and time to reflect I am seeing how I allowed this and cant blame her ultimately. Im trying to focus on getting busy with finding more work and better self care but I am in contact with therapists to see how I can avoid doing this again. I need some self esteem work for sure. This experience has knocked me down a few pegs in that department. It wasnt high to being with.

    Yes, I suppose I overlooked more important traits and let myself fall into a spell of seeing only what I wanted to. Of course trustworthy and respectful and important. I guess I kept rationalizing because I felt so good when I was with her. I did things socially I usually dont do alone and we always laughed and I felty good about myself (before she started losing interest). She used to seem so happy with me and we were always laughing and our attraction was high. Only when she saw certain deal breakers I guess and the air of distrust grew and I became clingy did things deteriorate.

    to Catfeeder: indeed I allowed it and I cant blame her anymore. Im trying to adopt this and shed victim mindset as best I can. Grandma was smart lady. great advice. Its hard to face such a huge shortcoming as not having any self respect or self esteem. But I need to and deal with it.

    to JA0371: thank you, yes she could have chosen a different way to deal with getting out of this rather than being abusive, but I did allow it. I flip flop between being frustrated that she chose that way and my allowing it. in the end, it was my choice.

    To RayRay63: well the good. news is I am an avid athlete and during al this I have not stopped my training at the gym. I think its the only thing that saved me thus far. Love Metallica BTW. I did overshare this issue with other gym mates and now am kind of a parriah unfortunately. I hope time will erase that image they have of me as physically strong but emotionally weak to leave a woman who is disrespecting me. I did not plead at her final attempt, but I did convince her to keep trying 2-3 times. She tried to break up and asked to her to hang in there. thats when I should have made my exit or long before. but its all history as you said.

    I guess the whole thing seems so surreal now. I can see her ageda more clearly now and how it didnt match mine. I can also see why we were not a good match in many areas. But the issues she had with me are legitimate and things I gave up on because I was in depression about the relationship and she wouldnt talk about with me. I lost interest in music (she is huge music fan) and a personal trainer, I often wear athletic clothes or simple clothes. I didnt care so much about fashion or trends (she is fashionable), but I did try to make more effort. She helped me with that and upped my dress a bit. When depressed and income is unstable, last thing I care about is new expensive clothes.

    I didnt read about current events and stopped learning new things. It was just a struggle to get through each day, but she didnt know how depressed I was. I didnt think she would understand or care enough to deal with it. So in the end, she just thought I was uninteresting and boring and maybe lazy. But I am not. Maybe at my best, it still may have not been enough for her. But then I think I should have made more effort to do those things even depressed and so for her not to think I was taking her for granted. So I tried to compensate by taking her to nice events and dinners.

    She liked the person she first met and I voiced my opinions and had more confidence. Over time she mentioned about my clothing and noticed I wasnt into music. I guess that is part of dating. To see what matches and what doesn't after the lust filled honeymoon wears off. As mentioned before, the first break up just threw me into a tailspin that I became more of people pleaser and didnt stand up to her when she treated me badly. This also caused the depression I think. Not being true to myself and not knowing her true level of commitment. I listened to her words and ignored her actions.

    Avoiding conflict of any kind at all times = boring. She knew she had me. no challenge. Lower value and lost interest. Or maybe never intended more than an extended fling. I dont know.
    thoughts all over the place. I was too available and not interesting enough and most likely she worried about my financial situation. So she sabotage the relationship and I was too hooked on her to do what had to be done.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by hp1
    I did overshare this issue with other gym mates and now am kind of a parriah unfortunately.
    Stop talking about it, they'll get over it. If they don't, they are not real friends.

    And up your training. If you are not raining every day, go to a split system. Better still do some cross training - mixing in some sand running, hill and grid* work. Do you have a (proper) pool you can swim in?

    Sometimes people say I can't swim, or not well, to the suggestion of swimming training. Getting swimming lessons actually fits in with the idea of improving yourself during no contact.

    [*I am thinking you know what I mean by grid work - if not, do not hesitate to ask.]

  10. #29
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    3 weeks since we broke up ad about 2 weeks NC. Mind still wonders what she is experiencing now (happy, sad, relief, regret, nothing...). I dont know why I care. Maybe to know I actually meant something to her (or not). Good news is feeling more like myself slowly each day. Taking to people more, not worrying about relationship falling apart every day and its nice to be free from that daily stress. Ramped up workouts and trying to do more for work and looking for opportunities. Taking more action.

    I think bout towards the end, how she started correcting me with my table manners, things I thought, everything I did was wrong. Either this is who this person really was (toxic and perfectionist who is never wrong) or I just irritated her so much and she was tying to get out my insulting me. Even in the beginning though she never admitted was wrong or that she didnt know anything. She told me early on she is a narcissist. Maybe I should have listened. Thought she was joking. Anyway, my work is rebuilding my life and fixing my codependency issues and not to analyze or fix her issues.

    Her big event is coming up and I wanted to wish her well with it, but ive been in athletic competitions this whole month and no word from her. Also I am probably using as reason to make contact. I wont. Any advice/observations appreciated.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by hp1
    3 weeks since we broke up ad about 2 weeks NC. Mind still wonders what she is experiencing now (happy, sad, relief, regret, nothing...). I dont know why I care.
    How long was the relationship? You think about it because you are still emotionally addicted to her. Let it happen, and try and teach yourself to think about something else after a short period. As in, I'll give her 5 minutes of my mental energy, then I have stuff to do. 2 weeks of no contact isn't very long. These intrusive thoughts diminish over time.

    By the way, if she is a narcissist, she only ever really thinks about herself. Everything else was an act.

    ...(toxic and perfectionist who is never wrong) ..She told me early on she is a narcissist. Maybe I should have listened...
    Lesson learned. In time look up some psychology sites on traits of narcissists, but only for the purpose of drumming in the lesson - avoid at all costs!

    ... I am probably using as reason to make contact. I wont.
    Good, and if she breadcrumbs you with her result, don't respond.

    Narcissists take their fill, get bored, and move on. Often they will come back later looking for validation, and to play their power games again.

    If this happens, do not take her back, because they don't change. They never admit there is anything wrong with them, never get any therapy, and repeat their NPD behaviors over and over with a series of victims.

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