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Thread: Anger at DUMPER building as NC continues. How to deal with it?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Anger is perfectly normal in break ups and it's a healthy step on processing the break up. If you don't spend too much time there, it can be productive.

    I think that it's great that you acknowledge your issues. Now it's time to finally deal with them or you won't be able to be in a healthy relationship free of codependent. Yes, codependency and abandonment issues can saturate a partner and a relationship. And I say this without any judgement as I myself suffer from abandonment issues and I'm learning to deal with it and sooth myself when triggered in a more healthy and balanced manner.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Responsibility and accountability will first hurt you like hell, but then it'll set you free.

  3. #13
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    (to billie) Ok so, she gets no blame in this, for the ways she acted to create an atmosphere of infidelity and lack of respect. YES I should have walked away. I know this. But I naively hoped that things could change. She seemed to be in love with me in those first 3 months and even a few into our second time. I ignored flags because I wanted it work and I couldn't believe she would treat me that way. So I overcompensated. I do take responsibility for not walking away. My issue with her is that she was clearly unhappy but decided to keep me as an option while she secured someone else. a decent person would break up before doing that. instead of going outside the relationship. That is what I am angry at. That she didnt even give me that level of respect. I didnt treat her badly, I never raised my voice or said an unkind word to her. I adored her and loved her and wanted her feelings and way she treated me to come back. its that simple,

  4. #14
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    I agree she is not blameless but the blame game is not important now. It is just holding you back. People only treat us how we let them and as i said if you didn't get depressed you probably wouldn't have acted the way you did but it doesn't matter anymore. All that matters now HP1 is you work on getting better and moving on. I agree it is wrong for people to monkey branch but sadly that is just how some people are. That is why she is not a good match and be thankful you found out now rather than 10 years down the line.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Both are to blame but you need to care about your part in a constructive manner. You can't make her see faults where she doesn't or convince her that she mistreated you when she doesn't see it that way. Pointing finger at her is just a short term fix. Yes, she seemed toxic and to have lead you on not being that into you, but the only thing you can control is your actions and what you can learn is how to avoid situations like this. You can remain in victim mode or you can learn and get control of your situation. The only way is recognising your part in it, weather ignoring red flags or being too clingy or whatever that was. That's how you get control of your life and learn so that next time you choose a better relationship to invest on.

    I'm someone who was in an abusive relationship for way too long many years ago and who got herself in mediocre relationships always dancing the "pick me" dance due to my self esteem issues. It'd be easier to blame them 100% and just cross my arms and say "well, I have abandondment issues and codependency tendencies, I can't do nothing about it" and call it a day. But when you're hurt way too many times you either learn and change direction or you keep banging on the same wall not knowing exactly why and attributing it to external factors.

  7. #16
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    Itís not about blame.
    Itís about accepting ones own contribution.
    Why do you feel the need to place blame?

    She kept you as an option because you were an option. You allowed that.
    But she didnít necessarily keep you as an option while she secured another. Thatís your opinion only.

    Ignoring red flags purely because you want it to work is not or never a good thing.
    The red flags are there telling you itís not going to work despite your hopes.

    You two were not compatible. Doesnít mean either is to blame or faultless.
    But to be angry about it , will not serve you well.

    Accepting your part in this is the best thing you can do for YOU!

    I wish you all the best.

  8. #17
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    Im only 10 days into NC and its still very hard. Im doing the best I can. Emotions sometimes are not logical so despite knowing a lot of what you are saying makes sense, im still feeling hurt and angry. I know what I did, I accept it. Im still angry, maybe at myself (which is what depression in - anger turned inwards) so that there is no room for anymore and im externalizing it. I am clear that I let me anxiety manifest into clingy behavior and Im aware (now) that I picked someone who easily triggered that in me. Im thankful for a place to just write about what I am going though which is a breakup at the end of a hellish year of anxiety and depression, even if it was created by my fear of moving on and letting her go. Yes blame is pointless but I think its a natural knee jerk reaction in highly charged emotional states, doesn't make it helpful. Thank you for the the reminder. Emotions are still pretty raw its only been a little over 2 weeks she let me go.

    I wanted it to work with her so badly that I allowed poor behavior and tried to be enthusiastic enough for the both of us. I was trying to avoid heartbreak which would have been to admit this was one sided at best and mostly just physical. Now I am in heartbreak phase. I will learn these lessons.

  9. #18
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    You are beating yourslef up for the way you acted but you should now be easing off and giving yourself some credit as the last paragraph you wrote above this shows you have learnt your lesson and realised where you went wrong. Sometimes we just try too hard to fix something but it takes 2. 1 person cannot save a relationship. You are just going through all the emotions which is understandable that's why i say not to dwell on what might or might not have happened. It's just mental self-torture. You will come out of this a better person HP1

  10. #19
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    And thatís ok HP, youíre human, breakups hurt.

    One day at a time.

    Anger is natural.

    Move through your emotions naturally.

    Youíre doing fine.

  11. #20
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    thank you for your replies, I guess one positive is I havent begged her to get back together or even texted her in these last 10 days. I didnt think I could do it, but I have. its very much like a drug I guess (validation). Thats why I need to work on self esteem more and not look to her or anyone to feel good/bad about myself. That level of it only comes out in a relationship though, at least for me. Its not the first time iv done this, but I will do my best to make sure its the last. And I wont ignore red flags the next time. just got too invested and deep with this person too soon due to great physical chemistry and probably loneliness on my part. Just things ive realized.

    I will try to ease up on the beating myself up and the blame game. thanks all, so much. very appreciative.

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