Why is he hurt I cut him off?

Hi, ok I have a male friend which I’ve known for a little while, we started becoming more close recently just because we spoke a lot and our conversations were quite deep. I did always try to make them light hearted too. If we texted and I went aways for a short period of time, like I had to make my dinner or had to get back to work he would get upset with me and that I had left him all alone. So I recently said why dont we just use texting to arrange meeting up and phoning. So that was that. He is quite flirty with me and I can be too as he is a very attractive guy. I didn’t “fancy” him but since he has been in contact with me everyday and he is very caring and extremely completementary of me and he always says he likes me a lot and expresses how much he likes my personality. I love his caring side and I have been feeling more attached to him that I want more than just friends. The thing is he is a virgin, never had a girlfriend and he has certainly religious beliefs that if I didn’t share them we couldn’t be together. So I told him I was feeling a connection of being more his girlfriend but he can’t be my boyfriend so I told him I’m going to have to cut him off for a while. He has got so upset by this that I’m confused. He says it has triggered things from his past (his mother left him when he was young). I haven’t spiked to him for two days and according to a friend of mine he has posted on social media how hurt he is buy someone cutting him off and that it’s made him sad. Why is he not understanding that I need this? Is he being selfish?

Have you explained in detail why you feel the need to cut him off and told him everything you've said here? If not, then no wonder he is hurt and confused.

You need to tell him exactly why you feel you and he shouldn't carry on.

I mean, you don't have to, but it could spare a lot of hurt feelings.

Thanks for commenting. Yes have explained everything, I explained to him in detail, I know he’s sensitive but I can’t help how I feel. He told me he understood but it doesn’t sound like it from his posts.

He needs to understand that you cannot be friends if there are feelings.

How old is he?

If you've made it clear to him, then there is nothing you can do about his reaction. You've been fair.

It is unfortunate about his religion and the incompatibilities that you two have but it does sound as though it will cause issues down the road.

If he is having a lot of abandonment issues, this is something he needs to deal with. You can't fix that for him. He would need a good therapist to help him deal with his issues so that they don't cause more problems for him in life.

Even if you were to date him, you cannot fix this for him nor it is your job to fix it for him.

You could always decide to be friends with him again down the road once your feelings have lessened.

But you're doing right by staying away. It will only cause you hurt.

Hopefully one day he will understand where you're coming from and why you had to stay away.

It does make perfect sense..you want more than friendship, he either can't give that to you or there will be too many problems associated with it.

You're doing the right thing, even if it's hard on both of you.

He needs to understand that you cannot be friends if there are feelings.

 

How old is he?

He is 30 years old.

This seems like drama for dramas sake.

It happens, but if you’re cutting the friendship off, for reasons you feel strongly about that’s it that’s all.

If you care about him, you wouldn’t have cut it off as coldly as you did, as a game to see if he cared to see what he would do, I would assume your cutting him off was because you were making a mature decision for yourself, I’m assuming you did with very good reason and not as game playing.

So do the both of you a favor and don’t drag it out with drama.

If you made a choice that is best for you. You have nothing to apologize for. You did an adult and mature thing. If he can’t accept that then he can’t, you made an adult decision and that includes acting as an adult afterwards. I’d you did all this as game playing and to see what his reaction is... well that’s a whole other can of worms, and honestly would explain why this post exists but I digress.

No offense, but I thought he was much younger. He cannot expect you to be comfortable with continuing.

He needs to deal with his past issues through therapy.

30?!

I assumed he was a teenager. He cannot hold you emotional hostage for the poor choices his mother made. That is unfair and if he actually told you that to use as ammo to get you to do what he wants, it's also manipulative.

Don't feel bad keeping a wide berth from him. You have tried to be reasonable but he's demonstrating that he isn't.

He is emotionally insecure and relies on you to be his emotional crutch. This is not healthy. He needs some counselling in order to cope with his own life and problems.

There is nothing you can do about it - you are not his counselor. Cut contact and let it go.

Ok so he lost a friend and so did you. Should he jump for joy or be "sad"? You're the one who switched the game plan because of your "attachment" to wanting to be his gf, but then told him you didn't want to be his gf because he's religious/a virgin..

So it went from friends to 'i want to be your gf' to rejecting him. Since you made all the changes and called all the shots, how is he being 'selfish"? He's leaving you alone, no?

I have a male friend which I’ve known for a little while. I want more than just friends. I told him I was feeling a connection of being more his girlfriend but he can’t be my boyfriend

Ok so he lost a friend and so did you. Should he jump for joy or be "sad"? You're the one who switched the game plan because of your "attachment" to wanting to be his gf, but then told him you didn't want to be his gf because he's religious/a virgin..

 

So it went from friends to 'i want to be your gf' to rejecting him. Since you made all the changes and called all the shots, how is he being 'selfish"? He's leaving you alone, no?

...Bingo...

He's a 30 year old man, not a child. You're both entitled to be sad about this, but unless one of you is willing to compromise on the religious differences, it makes no sense to beat a dead horse. That's even sadder.

30?!

 

I assumed he was a teenager. He cannot hold you emotional hostage for the poor choices his mother made. That is unfair and if he actually told you that to use as ammo to get you to do what he wants, it's also manipulative.

 

Don't feel bad keeping a wide berth from him. You have tried to be reasonable but he's demonstrating that he isn't.

It's manipulative and emotional blackmail to tell her the mother thing.

I wouldn't dwell on this. I think you care about him a lot more than you should and good for you that you had the strength to step back and recognize what you need and be upfront with that. You told him you were interested in more of a relationship and less of a friendship (with weird/intense ties and obligations). You were upfront and honest with him. Most of all you were honest with yourself.

I don't think he's a malicious or manipulative person but I'm sensing that he has psychologically latched onto you for approval and self-identity. He needed you for another reason than you needed or wanted him. What's inappropriate about his behaviour is that he's allowed his latching on to blind his ability to see how his actions have impacted someone else (limited cognitive awareness). For your sanity and wellbeing while you let the dust settle, let him be. He needs to learn to swim on his own and recognize his identity can exist independently of a third party.

Thanks for commenting. Yes have explained everything, I explained to him in detail, I know he’s sensitive but I can’t help how I feel. He told me he understood but it doesn’t sound like it from his posts.

It sounds like he thought it was going somewhere (you may have encouraged that), and became more invested in it than you were.

At which point you torpedoed it.

So of course he's hurting. And no, he is not being selfish. That is how he feels.

Venting on social media is not a good idea, but you don't control that now -you relinquished your rights.

He should be doing no contact at this point, and you should respect that if he does.