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I’m a bit torn


maccerz

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So I have been seeing a guy for the past 3 weeks or so, we’ve been on 5 dates and have slept together. I’m really enjoying his company however I have my reservations, I’m not sure how I feel but I’m always quite a careful person when it comes to dating.

 

About 2 months, before I met this guy, my friend had told me that her friend’s brother was recently single and was looking to be set up with someone and they had thought we’d get on. I had said I’d be interested and to let him know. Last week myself and my friend were at a hen party and she told me that her friend had spoken to her brother and he was very interested in meeting up. I was really drunk when we were talking about it and I agreed to her sending my number onto him.

 

I felt really guilty the next morning about it all. Much to my relief I didn’t hear anything from him so I had actually totally forgotten about it but tonight I got a text from him asking would I be interested in meeting for a drink. I’m really not sure what to do... I do like the guy I’m seeing but I’m definitely not certain about him. I’d never sleep with 2 people at the same time but would it be terrible to go on a date with this other guy and just see how I feel? Or should I just text him and say “I’m seeing someone at the moment and feel a bit disloyal going on a date with someone else but if it doesn’t work out and you’re still available I’d love to meet up” I’m extremely torn

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Have you had a talk with the first guy about being exclusive? If not, you're free to date anyone you want.

 

No we haven’t had an exclusivity talk and we haven’t been dating very long! I suppose I just don’t want to be being cruel!

I was so interested in the idea of this other guy when he was mentioned to me last month (before the guy I’m seeing now came on the scene) but of course the contact happens when I’m starting to see someone else haha!

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You can't possibly know someone in 5 dates, and it sounds like you are not even convinced he is the one. If you have not had the talk with this man to be exclusive or in a committed relationship, you can still see other people. That doesn't mean you are going to sleep with both of them... actually I woukd advice you against it.

 

Don't feel bad about it if you decide to give these other fellow a chance, you never know...

 

Knowing way I know now I say always keep your options open 😉

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If you are looking for a relationship, then why would you consider dating someone straight out of a relationship? He is not ready to date and will need time to process the break. How long did they date?

 

You will only end up as a rebound if you pursue things with the brother.

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Do you and the texter even know what each other looks like? If you decide to meet up with him for a drink, I'd at least say to text him a photo of what you look like and ask him to do the same so you can find each other at the bar. Also, if he's totally not your type or vice versa, either of you could back out before the awkwardness of spending time with someone who you don't plan on a second date with.

 

Like others have said, it's ethically okay to date more than one person when not exclusive. You don't have that comfort level, so it's totally okay to say, "I just started dating someone and wanted to see where that goes, so this is bad timing for me. Is it okay if I text you if I find myself single again and see if you're still interested in that drink?"

 

It might not happen for you two, but right now you have a somewhat known versus totally unknown, so in your shoes, I might go with the somewhat known if I wasn't comfortable multi-dating, which I'm actually not. In fact, on OLD I'd often hide my profile when I'd had a few dates with someone who I was excited about because it just stressed me out to multi-date, and sometimes before I had the chance to hide the profile, I did text guys what I typed here.

 

Good luck however you decide, and let us know how it goes.

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You can't possibly know someone in 5 dates, and it sounds like you are not even convinced he is the one. If you have not had the talk with this man to be exclusive or in a committed relationship, you can still see other people. That doesn't mean you are going to sleep with both of them... actually I woukd advice you against it.

 

Don't feel bad about it if you decide to give these other fellow a chance, you never know...

 

Knowing way I know now I say always keep your options open 😉

 

Thanks for the advice! I think I’m gonna say yes to a date and just see how it goes

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If you are looking for a relationship, then why would you consider dating someone straight out of a relationship? He is not ready to date and will need time to process the break. How long did they date?

 

You will only end up as a rebound if you pursue things with the brother.

 

Sorry I should have said, he’s been out of the relationship since November so he’s not JUST out of it but it hasn’t been that long. And his sister was saying he was looking to start dating again properly and wanted to avoid online dating for that reason. No idea how long they dated for.

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Do you and the texter even know what each other looks like? If you decide to meet up with him for a drink, I'd at least say to text him a photo of what you look like and ask him to do the same so you can find each other at the bar. Also, if he's totally not your type or vice versa, either of you could back out before the awkwardness of spending time with someone who you don't plan on a second date with.

 

Like others have said, it's ethically okay to date more than one person when not exclusive. You don't have that comfort level, so it's totally okay to say, "I just started dating someone and wanted to see where that goes, so this is bad timing for me. Is it okay if I text you if I find myself single again and see if you're still interested in that drink?"

 

It might not happen for you two, but right now you have a somewhat known versus totally unknown, so in your shoes, I might go with the somewhat known if I wasn't comfortable multi-dating, which I'm actually not. In fact, on OLD I'd often hide my profile when I'd had a few dates with someone who I was excited about because it just stressed me out to multi-date, and sometimes before I had the chance to hide the profile, I did text guys what I typed here.

 

Good luck however you decide, and let us know how it goes.

 

Oh iv seen loads of pictures of him, and apparently he was shown loads of pics of me so we know what each other looks like! I wouldn’t have agreed to anything in the first place otherwise!

Yeah I’m quite like you in that the idea of multi dating gives me anxiety! However I’m also unsure how I feel about the guy I’m currently seeing and I don’t wanna run before I walk with him, we really haven’t been seeing each other long. I suppose my thinking is that nobody really knows what’s going on in another persons head this early in a dating situation and he could be having similar thoughts!

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Hmmm, I think if I were sleeping with someone, I think I would have to like them very much and would not be interested in anyone else. I think it's a little late for multi-dating. Boy, you sure do get around lady.

 

I think you are supposed to do the multi-dating before you do that, lol

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Do you and the texter even know what each other looks like? If you decide to meet up with him for a drink, I'd at least say to text him a photo of what you look like and ask him to do the same so you can find each other at the bar. Also, if he's totally not your type or vice versa, either of you could back out before the awkwardness of spending time with someone who you don't plan on a second date with.

 

Like others have said, it's ethically okay to date more than one person when not exclusive. You don't have that comfort level, so it's totally okay to say, "I just started dating someone and wanted to see where that goes, so this is bad timing for me. Is it okay if I text you if I find myself single again and see if you're still interested in that drink?"

 

It might not happen for you two, but right now you have a somewhat known versus totally unknown, so in your shoes, I might go with the somewhat known if I wasn't comfortable multi-dating, which I'm actually not. In fact, on OLD I'd often hide my profile when I'd had a few dates with someone who I was excited about because it just stressed me out to multi-date, and sometimes before I had the chance to hide the profile, I did text guys what I typed here.

 

Good luck however you decide, and let us know how it goes.

 

This made me laugh because for so many years I went on "blind dates" where there were no photos -before internet it was hard -impractical -to send a photo (some did with personal ads in the paper if you corresponded -I did at times too) - and if you were set up it was basically rude to ask for a photo (I was asked for one by a guy I was trying to set up with my friend in the late 1990s and was taken aback). Anyway I think it's totally fine to meet the guy since you are not exclusive and you should. If you get to a point where you would be having intercourse with two guys then before that would happen I'd make a choice as to who you think is a better match.

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You need to tell the guy you're seeing about your friends brother and see how he feels. This guy could be crazy about you so i think you should be honest with him.

 

Naaah, I wouldn't do that. If you're not ready to be exclusive, it makes no sense to raise the issue as long as you don't sleep with anyone else.

 

When it rains, it pours. While it's common to find yourself dating two guys you like in different ways, this is why it makes sense to avoid sleeping with anyone too early. That's premature bonding, and it can do stuff to your head. Maybe consider backing off on the sex with the first guy until you learn where you want to stand with him. If he questions this, you can say that you're still attracted to him, but sex bonds you, and you don't want that bond to block you from getting to know him on a human level beyond sharing sex.

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Naaah, I wouldn't do that. If you're not ready to be exclusive, it makes no sense to raise the issue as long as you don't sleep with anyone else.

 

When it rains, it pours. While it's common to find yourself dating two guys you like in different ways, this is why it makes sense to avoid sleeping with anyone too early. That's premature bonding, and it can do stuff to your head. Maybe consider backing off on the sex with the first guy until you learn where you want to stand with him. If he questions this, you can say that you're still attracted to him, but sex bonds you, and you don't want that bond to block you from getting to know him on a human level beyond sharing sex.

 

Yes I agree with this. I dated more than one person at a time many times because my goal was marriage. I was in a situation once where I went on dates with someone else while being intimate with my ex -we were considering getting back together. Way too messy -wouldn't advise it. He was dating someone else too but not sleeping with her. Still we each had strong feelings for each other at the time and it wasn't fair (no he is not the ex I married!!)

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So exactly what are you not sure about with the guy you have been seeing?

 

If you want meet the new guy for a drink and see where it goes but don't jerk the other guy around either. No need to tell him you are meeting someone new but if you have plans with him keep them and make the new guy fit into your schedule.

 

November was just 4 months ago so yes this could be a rebound situation with the new guy.

 

Maybe you should read some of your other threads. These lines really stuck out to me:

 

"I'm starting to worry about myself. I go on dates with guys, initially really like some of them but I then tend to go completely off them."

 

"I suppose I'm expecting to feel the way I did when I was with my ex at the beginning which was just pure joy and excitement being around him"

 

"I most definitely worry that there's someone out there that's better suited for me and I think I panic that if I get into an official relationship with this guy when I really only have luke warm feelings for him it'll be disastrous"

 

Two of these are pretty common when dating but there comes a time when you have to trust your gut and go for it with a leap of faith. No one ever knows for sure how it will turn out but if you are gauging all new men by your ex and how you felt when it was brand new with him that really isn't fair to you or anyone you meet.

 

Lost

 

Lost

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been on 5 dates and have slept together. I’m really enjoying his company however I have my reservations, I’m not sure how I feel but I’m always quite a careful person when it comes to dating.

 

I’d never sleep with 2 people at the same time but would it be terrible to go on a date with this other guy and just see how I feel?

 

I guess the part(s) I don't understand is, if you are truly a careful dater, why are you sleeping with someone you aren't even sure how you feel about?

 

If it's just for sex, that's fine. But by that definition, there are no expectations.

 

With the second guy, you haven't even had a date with him and your first concern is about sleeping with them both simultaneously?

 

Either you don't mind sleeping with men before you become emotionally attached, which is fine. But without that attachment there is no formal commitment. At least for you. Make your intentions clear if needed.

 

Or - you simplify things by getting to know men with your clothes on first, gauge how you feel about them and then go on to the next step by having sex with them. . or one. .

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