Called me his ex's name and lied about it.

A little background……this is the only relationship of my life. I’m talking first boyfriend, first kiss…everything. We’ve been together for a year and a half. I almost broke up with him last May because of the constant inconsistences with what he says and what he does (i.e. telling me he loves me and then going weeks without seeing/talking to me when he lives 7 miles away.) He has ADHD and that is cause for problems too, but there’s more. This next piece of information may be a little TMI but I think it is significant… Since we’ve been together (the whole year and a half), he has never cum during sex. Ever. Not once. But he does by his own hand...when I’m not there. And I have been generous and adventurous (blow jobs, risky places, whatever), but nothing. He’s currently taking testosterone because we’ve both been concerned about it, but now I think I have the answer. He called me by his ex’s name shortly after sex this weekend and then tried to tell me he didn’t even know someone by that name. I called bull. He said my step brother has that name. I called bull again because there are pics on Facebook with his ex in it and her name is tagged. He then told me that a girl he thought was hot in high school had that name. I told him not to lie to me and he finally admitted that it was his ex’s name. He then admitted he thinks about her from time to time. He has also told me of their relationship: he was so nervous around her that he never was himself (for 6 years) and he just did whatever she liked to do, following her around like a puppy…until she cheated on him. He had the audacity this weekend to tell me that it had been “true love” between them and that was his excuse for calling me her name. Now, I can’t help but wonder if the reason he never cums is because he still is in-love with her. I mean, since we met I had suspected that he was just dating to appease his mom, who desperately wants him married. It was just something about the things he says. Like how our relationship is better than loneliness. I love him and we are best friends on top of being lovers. I love his family and he loves mine. But I feel now that he isn’t giving me his whole heart because part of it still belongs to his ex and I deserve 100%. Also, he was supposed to move-in next weekend. I’ve decided to cancel that (temporary? Or forever?) because…how can I sleep in the same bed with him with all these doubts in my head? Anyway, I just wanted other outsider insight on this matter. Am I overthinking it? He tells me he loves me all the time and I believe it. But I don’t want to be second best to a girl he couldn’t be himself around. Thoughts?

I'm so sorry this is your first experience with a relationship...it's a terrible one. I have a lot of experience and I have to say, there is better than this. And just because it's your first, it shouldn't be your last. IMO you have invested way too much in a relationship that is not that good. You are so missing out on having a good lover, a good honest man, a man that shows you in every aspect his love and devotion. This ADHD is a load of crap excuses for him to go out and slam other girls or hook up with his ex. I have no doubt in my mind that is what he was doing all those times he ghosted on you. Listen hun, never go by what they tell you, go by their actions. Talk is easy and cheap, the proof is in the behavior. He has pulled the wool over your eyes. Kick him to the curb.

I'm so sorry this is your first experience with a relationship...it's a terrible one. I have a lot of experience and I have to say, there is better than this. And just because it's your first, it shouldn't be your last. IMO you have invested way too much in a relationship that is not that good.

I second all of the above.

OP, this isn't the guy for you. You two have tried but it sounds like he's with you because he feels he "should" be with you and not because he feels the sort of draw and passion one typically would toward their romantic partner.

You can do better for yourself. This isn't sustainable long-term.

I'm so sorry this is your first experience with a relationship...it's a terrible one. I have a lot of experience and I have to say, there is better than this. And just because it's your first, it shouldn't be your last. IMO you have invested way too much in a relationship that is not that good. You are so missing out on having a good lover, a good honest man, a man that shows you in every aspect his love and devotion. This ADHD is a load of crap excuses for him to go out and slam other girls or hook up with his ex. I have no doubt in my mind that is what he was doing all those times he ghosted on you. Listen hun, never go by what they tell you, go by their actions. Talk is easy and cheap, the proof is in the behavior. He has pulled the wool over your eyes. Kick him to the curb.

Also agree with this. Very well put.

Sorry this is happening, but he's not the right guy for you. The fact that he ignores you for "weeks at a time" is enough reason to end this. Do not try to appease him with sexual tricks or try to fix him. Don't bother getting into a mental jealous catfight with his ex. There are so many other red flags that is just the icing on the cake that this is a bad relationship. Don't be so desperate that you believe "our relationship is better than loneliness".The sooner you end this the sooner you can find a decent guy.

going weeks without seeing/talking to me when he lives 7 miles away.

I love him and we are best friends on top of being lovers.

Get rid of this guy. He is a crap bf. You deserve much better than this.

Stop using the ADHD as an excuse. Only follow actions, as you can see his words mean nothing. Going weeks without seeing and talking to you. This is not a committed partner.

You are not his best friend, and he does not treat you as if he loves or respects you. He will not change.

too many problems, it sounds like he's not a catch.

Don't move in with him or allow him to move in with you until you clear your thoughts. In my mind, calling you by his ex's name is more of a problem than all the other issues and a specific reason rather than speculating on his bedroom/bodily function issues or reasons behind him having them. Focus on what you know for certain. Make your decision systematically on what you know and then second cross-check on your instincts/feelings. Go from there regarding the relationship but I strongly suggest to hold off on living together.

Also, he was supposed to move-in next weekend. I’ve decided to cancel that (temporary? Or forever?) because…how can I sleep in the same bed with him with all these doubts in my head? Anyway, I just wanted other outsider insight on this matter. Am I overthinking it? He tells me he loves me all the time and I believe it. But I don’t want to be second best to a girl he couldn’t be himself around. Thoughts?

You are very brave for not going ahead with the moving in!

It will not get any better living together. He has issues that he needs to solve in himself, and also he doesn't show any respect to you.

You deserve better, don't settle!

All the best!

I'm sorry to say it but you are not the one he wants. You are just a distraction from the loneliness of being without his ex. She is the one he truly wants. He can't give himself completely because you are not his ex. Don't stay with this man if he doesn't want you.

Things don't need to reach a point where you villainize a person in order to recognize that he's not right for you. You don't need to build a 'case' in order to walk away--there are no judges and juries living our love lives for us. You don't need a 'good enough' reason to want out. You can just realize that things aren't working for you, and that's all you really need to say.

Decide how big of a list of complaints you believe that you 'need' in order to exit a lousy relationship. You can be kind about it instead of working yourself to a point of rage. I mean, you can do that if you want--it's not against the law--it's just not great for your stomach lining when you can just call it a day and move forward, instead.