So much anger. Can’t do this “friendship” anymore

Hi enas

I had a relationship with a girl for over a year. We are both in our late twenties. I’m a lesbian, she is not out hardly whatsoever.

Our relationship was beautiful, we met by accident at a mutual friends event. From the start though, I should’ve read the signs:

A few months in she started saying she was afraid to hurt me, and wanted to warn be to leave before I go in too deep, because she was unsure about her sexuality and how she felt. We continued our relationship but I was seeing signs that were hurting me;

6-7 months passed, she didn’t want to meet my friends claiming she wasn’t ready, she wasn’t ready for her sexuality to come out to anyone. I never pressured her, but even after she told a few friends about me, she still didn’t want me to meet anyone (I never pressured her)

I am a musician and never once did she want to attend my shows- at first claiming she didn’t want to go in public with me (we are in a very gay friendly metropolitan city btw)

At around 7-8 months she became unsure about her feelings for me (again, things were great for a while) saying she’s not sure if I’m the one for her, telling me to be free to date others, that we should take a step back etc

A few weeks after that, she broke up with me. I was seeing that she was going out to friends of friends BBQs that she never met, over going to my show. Which really hurt. So we broke up, she saying doesn’t see a forever with me.

I didn’t speak to her after she broke up with me. A few weeks later — she sends me this super long text saying she didn’t like the way things ended between us, that I mean so much to her, etc

I didn’t respond for a week and then gave in and we saw each other. We had sex and started seeing each other again. It was amazing. She started telling more people about me, even would mention how she would want me to meet her family AND even said that she only wanted to date me (we started back slow and were seeing others).

Everything was amazing up until right before Christmas. We were celebrating her birthday her and I together, having wine and out of nowhere said she wouldn’t mind if I slept with other people. I was stunned and hurt and she started saying there was a couple she was friends with in another state that she wanted to have a threesome with. I was devastated, I felt so hurt. She started saying she was confused again, one minute being crazy about me another wanting to see what is out there.

It was the worse xmas I ever had. We didn’t break up but were in a very weird place. She took some space to herself. She came back on New Years and we celebrated it together. She ended up having the threesome, she said it didn’t mean anything to her, that she was less confused and we continued seeing each other.

I feel like a real idiot, for putting up with it, but I figured it was just a sexual adventure. We agreed to continue seeing each other but “less seriously” meaning I can see other people. Thinking that she doesn’t see a future with me but really enjoying my company.

So we continued this “enjoying each other not seriously” type of seeing each other but I realized how much it hurt me one night when she was telling me about her best friends boyfriends band who she was gonna go see for a live show.

Never ONCE in a year did she come to my show, just one. And I do plenty. I was really hurt and told her how I felt— I understand it’s her best friend but that my music means so much to me, after all I’ve been there for her, she has bad back problems and I was always there to take care of her and not once did she ever come to support me. Her reasoning being she doesn’t want to lead me on and make me happy “temporarily” if she knows we don’t have a future together.

I kind of took some distance from her. Again I kind of put those hurt feelings to the side and we continued this “friendship”

We talked a lot on how she wants me in her life and it’s really hard for her to let me go, that we are almost like best friends. I’ve gotten hurt so much over the year over some things she has done that I have became “numb” to her all her actions and purged so much sadness over xmas when she decided to have the threesome that I’m weirdly content with just having her as this presence in my life.

Up until now I was numb to how much more she can hurt me. But again this weekend it came like a wave— she is going to a show that her friend is having on the same night I’m having a show. And it kills. Never once she supported me. I cared so much for her, even helped her pay for her back appointments with my insurance, of course I don’t expect anything anymore from her but even as a FRIEND this is making me feel very hurt. My passion, performing at a show has became a source of pain knowing she will never want to come and see me ONCE. I feel hurt the closer I get to a show.

A few weeks ago, she went away to Europe with her family, she didn’t even bring me back a little souvenir.

We saw each other last week, had sex and a wonderful time. Our “friendship” developed into me talking to her about other girls I’m into to which she actually enjoys hearing about. It’s a very f*cked up thing. I saw she was going to the show and I said well now that we are friends you can come! She says “I’m not going to come” but you can send me a video ! “I thought you were over this!” And we proceed to hanging out.

I was feeling fine but got a wave of anger towards her. Feeling not good enough. She texted me yesturday saying hi but I don’t even feel like talking to her. A wave of hurt just got over me. I want her in my life but realizing how much hurt she caused me.

Why do you continue to put yourself through this? She treats you horribly as a lover and a friend. You must cut this off and block and delete her.

Also, do not ever involve yourself in a relationship where you are a secret. You have allowed her to treat you terribly for way too long. There is no future with this woman.

You can't be in her life right now. It's causing you far too much pain.

Sadly, you've always been much more invested than her. She warned out early on that she wasn't sure, and her behaviour lines up with that uncertainty. It's obvious she enjoys your company and sleeping with you, but OP, you know you want a lot more than that. You've been waiting and hoping it would evolve but it just hasn't. You also describe your relationship as "amazing" a few times, but girl, you need to be honest with yourself. How was it amazing when you were a secret nearly the entire time? I don't doubt the private moments you shared were a lot fun, but I fail to see how this was otherwise an amazing relationship. It sounds emotionally draining and unsatisfying.

It's time to cut ties. As holly says, there is no future here.

Get some self respect back and get rid of this awful person. She is treating you so badly because you allow it. I am sorry to say she is much less invested in you than her. She shows no regard for you by dipping in and out of your life when she has nothing else going on. This is no good for you. You should not want anything to do with her. As stated she is not a good option as a friend. She is very selfish. Ask yourself why you would allow someone to treat you this way.

Block and forget this person.

You keep seeking validation and a relationship from a person who is openly telling you to your face that she will NEVER give it you just because she is like that. It's actually a power play and an abusive mind fck on her part. Stop being codependent and walk away. I mean completely. Block this woman from your life, no more contact, no more playing at being friends, just boot her out permanently. Do not cling on to whatever brief good times you had because all you are doing is stopping yourself from finding someone who will actually love you, appreciate you, be there for you like a normal person would in a healthy relationship. What is it about this pain and deliberate rejection that attracts you? Serious question to ask yourself.

Put it another way, a snake will always be a snake. What you are doing is hoping that a snake will morph into a cuddly puppy and wrapping your own ego, self respect, self worth around this magical notion that your love and caring can turn a snake into a puppy. No love, no magic, nothing on earth, not even frankenscience can turn a snake into a puppy. Read this until it sinks in.

Yeah, I have to agree with the others.

It already started out on the wrong foot because she is closeted and really to me sounds like she is still questioning. Which that in and of itself is fine to still explore who you are.

But I have a real problem with her drawing you back in for sex and then shutting you out otherwise. Playing mind games but again drawing you back in because she's so sure of you. My advice is to stop being that sure thing to her. It is not fair to you because you obviously prefer a mature, true relationship.

She does not value you in the same way that you value her.

The harsh truth is that you will never be more to her than what you've already been. She's not magically going to start treating you with respect.

Please move on from her. You will never get what you want from her. Stop letting her sweet talk her way into your bed. Go no-contact (NC) and let yourself heal from this person. Somewhere out there is a great woman who will go to your shows, be there for you, and treat you wonderfully.

I wish you all the best.

You payed for her back payments with your insurance? Isn't that called fraud? Hope you don't get caught.

No no I had put her on my insurance— my insurance company allows partners where I am,even if you don’t live with them.I asked multiple times. But I know this isn’t a healthy relationship. Although I’m conflicted between just having fun with her and getting sexual needs and not taking it seriously but at the same time I get hurt and angry at time’s.

Either way, I am taking space for myself. I haven’t responded to her last message, I actually feel better. I’ve been seeing a psychologist to help me with my codependent patterns.

That's great news that you are seeking proper help.

No no I had put her on my insurance— my insurance company allows partners where I am,even if you don’t live with them.I asked multiple times. But I know this isn’t a healthy relationship. Although I’m conflicted between just having fun with her and getting sexual needs and not taking it seriously but at the same time I get hurt and angry at time’s.

 

Either way, I am taking space for myself. I haven’t responded to her last message, I actually feel better. I’ve been seeing a psychologist to help me with my codependent patterns.

Wow. I thought you had to be married.

Now, you are making excuses to stay in contact with her. You said you have been hurting for a long time, why would you subject yourself to that? I am certain that you can find someone else to fool around with, or you can be abstinent for a while. You will not die. You CANNOT be in contact if there are feelings. You need to stop dragging this out. You should also be pissed, as she has not treated well. At all. Where is your self respect, gurl! You know that this is not healthy. What are you thinking!

Do not respond. You need to block and delete. And, stop allowing wool to waltz in and out of your life.

Great you are seeking help! Do not date anyone for at least 6 months.

It doesn't sound like you had a friendship, it sounds like you had an agenda.

It just gets worse. A few weeks ago as we were hanging out, we were talking and she said that when she got back together with me, she never planned to actually get back together but that she actually didn’t like the way things had ended between us and that’s why she contacted me. Over some selfish reason to reduce her guilt. And after we got back together she would say “I’m so glad you responded to me. So happy you answered me back and we are together”

well my friend...the details are different but same story I am going through in many ways. Loved this girl and gave her my heart, but she was never as into me or supported me. Selfish and played games with my mind. Secretive and like to create jealousy in me, I could never feel comfortable. Threw me in to deep depression for 6 months and crawling my way out. She broke up with me too then got me back. Then just dumped me 2 weeks ago and I think she was seeing other people. I gave up my self respect in the process which just hastened the end. Wish I never met her. Point is, this types are selfish and wont change. They are a different breed and ive finally started to give up hope that she would. Been NC for 10 days. Feeling better. Im expecting a reach out at some point but I know it will be for ego purposes.

If want to DM me and chat happy to help each other through this if you like. Stay NC and it will become more clear. Im getting in angry phase now that im not freaking out so much. Thats why read your post. Stay away from her and focus on friends, work and hobbies. They dont deserve us.

No no I had put her on my insurance— my insurance company allows partners where I am,even if you don’t live with them.I asked multiple times. But I know this isn’t a healthy relationship. Although I’m conflicted between just having fun with her and getting sexual needs and not taking it seriously but at the same time I get hurt and angry at time’s.

 

Either way, I am taking space for myself. I haven’t responded to her last message, I actually feel better. I’ve been seeing a psychologist to help me with my codependent patterns.

You already know you won't be able to do that, OP.

Don't downgrade yourself to that position in her life. You will wind up extremely hurt.