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Broke up but still in love with each other


Redfox1877

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I hope someone can gently shed some light and help me, as I’m struggling.

 

I met my previous boyfriend..we instantly hit it off..had so much in common, interest, morals, plans, dreams, everything.....

He was my soulmate...and I was his.....❤️ We wanted to get married....

 

The problem... he past history of previous girlfriends have left him with a lot of scars and Insecurities.

He tried to commit suicide twice before I met him over broken relationships and things going on in his life...with no counselling afterwards?

 

I had no problem as I thought we could see this through.

 

I moved in with him....

 

He’s thoughts and jealousy got worse....

 

Long story short....whenever there’s any situation, he thinks the worse of me...instead of thinking rationally, he thinks I’m out to hurt him, or not care,

 

I find this extremely draining...and I lose my temper because of it...

I gave up my house, moved counties and changed jobs to be with this guy..and he still thinks the worse of me.

 

When I get annoyed with him, he has a go at me saying I’ve got anger problems..

When I’m just reacting to him.

I tried to get him to get counselling, and he said it’s couple counselling we need...!

Complete oblivious to his way...and blaming me...

 

.

 

Anyway...constant arguments have driven us to split up...and it’s painful in both sides.

He’s finally admitted before we broke up, that his judged me badly, by his exes....

As much as I broke down with relief...it feels to late...I’m still in love with him, but I’m so angry that he won’t see someone ...and pushes it on me...blaming me for not being soft and taking the accusations and thoughts he throws at me..

I feel I made a big commitment to this relationship by moving in, the least he could do is commit and see a counsellor...

 

 

Anyway...we’ve broke up...

And he messsged the other day to say...he definitely knows he dosnt want me back as a girlfriend ever..as we was rubbish as a couple! Which was hurtful....

But thinks we can be wonderful friends?

 

This is where I’m confused...how can you go from lovers to friends?

I’m struggling with that, and asked for a few months apart as it’s to raw for me...

 

Surly, if he loved me he would struggle to be friends too?

Or am I seeing it different

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Some people can really love each other, but not be able to survive in a relationship together and I think you and your ex have just realized this.

 

You both care about each other a lot, but when it comes to trying to get along with many things in a relationship it just doesn't work and it leads to a lot of stress. I certainly don't think you are the only couple that has gone through this as many couples with kids have gone through this and divorced and still are friends.

 

Still I believe the both of you because I do think you both care fr each other. I think you both can manage to hang out in Social settings and do fine.

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Without sounding cold he needs help, he has some big issues. You are not his therapist, you can only offer support not cure him.

 

Whilst i understand he has had it bad in the past it's not fair for him to put this onto you. He cannot chastise you for the behaviour of past gf's. HIs comments were hurtful and not needed but i wouldn't pay too much attention to them, he is clearly emotional and hurting too i would wager. He still should not have said those things though.

 

Refuse the friendzone. The only way you and he will ever have a future again is if he seeks guideance/therapy on a professional level to deal with his issues. Until then i would not even consider him for a partner even though you love him nothing good will come from it. I would suggest to him he gets that helpeven for his own sake. If he refuses you know it's best to walk away.

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Thank you...that’s exactly what I’ve said...and done

I was dubious on him wanting to be friends, as people said , he’s trying to get back with you...

I can’t even be his friend at the minute, I want him to get help...

If he dosnt, I can’t be around him

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Without sounding cold he needs help, he has some big issues. You are not his therapist, you can only offer support not cure him.

 

Whilst i understand he has had it bad in the past it's not fair for him to put this onto you. He cannot chastise you for the behaviour of past gf's. HIs comments were hurtful and not needed but i wouldn't pay too much attention to them, he is clearly emotional and hurting too i would wager. He still should not have said those things though.

 

Refuse the friendzone. The only way you and he will ever have a future again is if he seeks guideance/therapy on a professional level to deal with his issues. Until then i would not even consider him for a partner even though you love him nothing good will come from it. I would suggest to him he gets that help even for his own sake. If he refuses you know it's best to walk away.

I second this entire post. For your own metal health and well being, it would be wise to move on from this guy. I know you're hurting and it's really hard, but there is no happy/stable future with him (imo). He has way too many issues for this to work and be successful and he needs to address all of these issues if he ever wants to have a successful relationship with anyone.

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He gets to keep you around then as a comfort blanket of sorts or he feels guily. Either way I would respect his wishes and stay broken up. Tell him if he gets help and changes then maybe down the line who knows but you may not want him romantically anyway in 3-6 months etc

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Thank you.

Honestly, I have no problem keeping away...he hurt me so much.

We had a meditation retreat booked up in a couple of weeks time, I called ahead to see if he’d cancelled, he hadn’t,?

So I cancelled my trip there.

That’s when he said, let’s take love out of the equation, and be amazing friends instead..

 

I refused to, as it’ll hurt to mych to go from relationship to friends so quickly,

 

I think he wants to keep me strung along.

I’d rather cut ties until he’s dealt with his issues.

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Sorry this happened. Can you move back home? He needs a psychiatrist, not a relationship or a live-in gf. You can't fix people. He's abusive and so are you. Get out of this and stay out. There is no "in love" here at all. Simply a toxic bad situation driven by the bad judgement of thinking you can change and fix someone and worse, moving and over-investing in someone with this many red flags.

He tried to commit suicide twice before I met him over broken relationships and things going on in his life...with no counselling afterwards?

I moved in with him....

I gave up my house, moved counties and changed jobs to be with this guy.

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Right now emotions are just running hot—yours, his. Just like you miss him, he misses you. Just like you see the issues, he sees them too—at least in his own way. His overture of friendship, while fueled by genuine feeling, is also certainly fueled by fear: of losing you, of having to go this path, whatever path he's on, alone.

 

That you're confused—and hurt—by it is all you need to know, since confusion and hurt are not the places to engage in any sort of relationship: romantic, friendship, or otherwise.

 

As others have said, he needs real help. Maybe he gets it, maybe he doesn't, and even if he does you may find that the hurt of the past is too much for future engagement. And that's okay. Regardless, what he needs to be stable is not something that will happen in a few weeks, but more likely months, years.

 

And, hard as it is, just as having him your life hurts you, having you in his will likely stall him from getting the help he needs. Because, on some subconscious level, he will equate "having" you as having fixed himself.

 

Been on all sides of this equation, in different ways. Know how hard it is. Just keep doing you, keep creating distance, and you'll find that hurt and confusion will fade into something like acceptance and personal empowerment.

 

Best of luck.

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Right now emotions are just running hot—yours, his. Just like you miss him, he misses you. Just like you see the issues, he sees them too—at least in his own way. His overture of friendship, while fueled by genuine feeling, is also certainly fueled by fear: of losing you, of having to go this path, whatever path he's on, alone.

 

That you're confused—and hurt—by it is all you need to know, since confusion and hurt are not the places to engage in any sort of relationship: romantic, friendship, or otherwise.

 

As others have said, he needs real help. Maybe he gets it, maybe he doesn't, and even if he does you may find that the hurt of the past is too much for future engagement. And that's okay. Regardless, what he needs to be stable is not something that will happen in a few weeks, but more likely months, years.

 

And, hard as it is, just as having him your life hurts you, having you in his will likely stall him from getting the help he needs. Because, on some subconscious level, he will equate "having" you as having fixed himself.

 

Been on all sides of this equation, in different ways. Know how hard it is. Just keep doing you, keep creating distance, and you'll find that hurt and confusion will fade into something like acceptance and personal empowerment.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thank you so much for that advice...that makes total sense..

Thank you for being, kind, gentle and understanding

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