How Do I Determine if it is Worth Going on Another Date?

Hey,

I just got back into dating and I'm trying to be honest with myself about whether I'm truly interested when I go out with people. How I've dated in the past is that I would talk to someone through a dating app, meet up with them, and then keep going out with them if they wanted to keep seeing me too, regardless of whether I thought we had a connection. I wanted to give people a chance and take some time to get to know them better before I made a judgement.

But now I'm wondering if I should be feeling more of an attraction to the people I date immediately instead of slowly discovering things I like about them. I feel like I've been going about dating wrong. I've only been in relationships that end because I feel like we don't have enough in common or because we don't get each other. I've been the one to end all relationships I've been in.

How do you determine if there is enough there with someone to go on another date?

I just went out with someone last night and we had really great conversations and have a lot in common with our interests. He was attractive to me and I liked talking to him, but I also didn't feel like I wanted to kiss him or do anything more than just hang out and talk. It was really easy to talk to each other, but I also didn't laugh much and I never felt like there was any kind of romantic vibe to the evening. Am I just not giving this guy much of a chance or is it fair that I'm attracted to him, liked talking to him, but also don't want to date him?

How would you let someone know that as well? That I just don't feel anything beyond friendship towards you?

There are guys that I have met that I have felt that same exact initial reaction that you had with this date you had last evening. I think there are two types of reactions you get on a date. You get that physical attraction which you can get pretty much right away when you look over the guy you are with. Does he have great eyes, a nice smile, a nice body, etc. Then there is the one that takes some time when you are getting to know the dates personality. Does he make you laugh? Is the conversation stimulating? Does he seem interested in you? If those two things come together then I think you got something that might just work. If you have just one or the other then you may end up with what you called a friendship. Most friends you have you really like there personalities a lot, but you aren't physically attracted to them and want to kiss them or sleep with them. Then there is the other scenario with the super physical attraction and minimal attraction to the personality. These dates usually end up with one night stands.

I’m sure everyone does it differently, but personally, I will usually give it up to 3 dates to make a decision if I’m into them or not.

While chatting online, if they check most of the boxes of what I’m looking for, I have reason to believe we have enough to talk about to be able to carry a conversation and I think there could be attraction, I will be open to a date.

On date #1, I’m really just checking that my impression before the date still holds true. My expectations aren’t high. There’s all sorts of stuff that can play into it... nerves, feeling each other out, being respectful, etc. As long as my impression is the same or better, I will be happy to move to date #2.

On date #2 we should be more relaxed and I’m looking for spark (if not sooner). If there is spark - or - if in like your case it’s a really good date but for some reason it still doesn’t seem to be there - I may give it one more chance.

By the end of date #3 if I’m still unsure or I’m not wanting to kiss them (whether or not the kiss happens), it’s done.

It’s ok to take your time to know someone a bit - but you don’t want to lead people on. IMO, after spending 10+ hours with someone and many more just chatting, you should have a pretty good feel of things.

We've heard hundreds of stories where the flash-spark of sexual attraction wasn't there initially; even 4 weeks of dating before a kiss...wow...maybe six...can't say I'd stick around that long, but out of some of these stories, it turned out to be "the one." They ultimately got married. A slow starter. We know that relationships or men/women who start out fast and hot tend to burn out just as quickly, so it's reasonable to think that a slow and steady burn can lead to a more stable and long-term outcome...the question is, if there's no real hot attraction, do you continue? And for how long?

I have no easy answers. That first date might not culminate in this hot attraction, but oh, so enjoyable. Friendship turns into relationship. I don't think you're setting yourself short by pursuing a second, third, or fourth date. The question is when to toss in the towel. There are no easy answers there.

I've read stories here at ENA stating that the girl was ready to quit...I mean, it's been six dates and hand-holding hasn't happened, let alone a kiss, so they're ready to move on...and then it happens.

Are you doing anything to invite the intimacy? Do you touch? Do you put your arm around his while you're walking? Hold his hand? Touch while talking? Men are terrified of crossing the line. You're out on this date, so you'd think the answer is clear, this is intended to have some intimacy...not sex necessarily, but holding hands, a hug, a kiss, but some women (and men) have issues around touching and holding hands on the first date and kissing on the first date...media and some of the sexual improprieties cause nervousness and fear...where is the line and where is hers/his? If you're not feeling it, you're probably not sending any signals, so he's going to be reluctant as well.

I don't know. If your date leaves you feeling this is a friend and not a lover, your behavior will mirror that. There's enough about this person that makes you want to try again, and I don't think it's wrong to do so, nor that it's a waste of time. You do need to shut things down if you just can't capture that spark; be kind and don't draw things out, which it sounds like you've been doing.

I think you're being a bit impatient.

You seem to be looking for sparks with everyone you date; however, that's not how love and romance work. It takes time to develop intimacy with someone,whether it's a friend or a potential lover. Often it requires time to realize the qualities of another person. Perhaps you need to manage your expectations. Don't go on a date with the idea that it has to end in fireworks. Work on being friends with someone first.

I’m sure everyone does it differently, but personally, I will usually give it up to 3 dates to make a decision if I’m into them or not.

 

While chatting online, if they check most of the boxes of what I’m looking for, I have reason to believe we have enough to talk about to be able to carry a conversation and I think there could be attraction, I will be open to a date.

 

On date #1, I’m really just checking that my impression before the date still holds true. My expectations aren’t high. There’s all sorts of stuff that can play into it... nerves, feeling each other out, being respectful, etc. As long as my impression is the same or better, I will be happy to move to date #2.

 

On date #2 we should be more relaxed and I’m looking for spark (if not sooner). If there is spark - or - if in like your case it’s a really good date but for some reason it still doesn’t seem to be there - I may give it one more chance.

 

By the end of date #3 if I’m still unsure or I’m not wanting to kiss them (whether or not the kiss happens), it’s done.

 

It’s ok to take your time to know someone a bit - but you don’t want to lead people on. IMO, after spending 10+ hours with someone and many more just chatting, you should have a pretty good feel of things.

Same except I gave it 4 dates -three dates makes sense too of course!

I think there’s a whole lot of overthinking happening.

Online dating makes it way too easy to meet single men, why waste time forcing a circle into a round peg? This level of indecision to me and your description of essentially settling ( didn’t get that impression from your other posts but if this is the route we’re going Im on board) with any guy who will have you, again, to me, indicates low self esteem.

You either like someone and want to see them more or you don’t, thats the level of thought first dates/meets should be given. There should be at most one or two who straddle the fence, but not all. That’s some hardcore standards lowering if its all.

Consider using a dating app where you can screen profiles to set up quick meets over a coffee with guys who are also looking for a relationship rather than a hookup. Schedule a bunch of these on your way home from your job or classes, and if someone stands you up, take your coffee with you--nothing lost. Otherwise, spend 15 to 30 minutes checking one another out with a rule that neither can corner the other on the spot to ask for a real date, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table and spares you from spending full dates with bad matches.

I found it helpful to grasp that most people are NOT our match. That's natural odds. It's a needle in a haystack thing, where you need to allow a lot of wrong matches to pass early. But dating apps and quick meets allow you to screen OUT anyone who's relationship goals don't match your own, and those with whom you don't share simpatico.

Skip anyone who doesn't really interest you--there will be more of those than good matches. That's true of everyone. We each have unique lenses, so some perfectly great people will NOT turn you on. It makes no sense to try to force a fit--it's waste of your time and energy. Use that energy to set up more quick meets until you strike someone you really WANT to date.

If the conversation naturally flows and there are no major red flags (date tries to grope you in the coffee shop, reveals regular drug use, they believe you should try to burp someone's name, they have a tan line from a wedding rung etc), then go out with them a second time. when i met my guy, i knew i wanted to see him again. i didn't think about whether it was a love connection or there was a spark or not - i went based on the fact that we got along well, etc., and wanted to continue the conversation.