Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: Feeling Unwanted - not there anymore

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    7

    Feeling Unwanted - not there anymore

    Thanks for reading and lending an ear x

    CONCERN: I'm feeling disregarded by my partner, and recently it feels like I'm more or less not even there anymore; like i am just another object sitting on the edge of his peripherals.

    QUESTION: Now I'm wondering if this is because I'm being too emotionally "needy" or attached in the relationship, or are my feelings reasonable? and if reasonable, could this simply mean that he is losing feelings for me or that he is taking me for granted??? 😔 I don't know, any advice or insight right now would be appreciated. I'd really just like to vent my frustrations and feel heard. If this feeling persists i will discuss it with him regardless.

    CONTEXT:
    My partner and i just moved in together, after spending over a year living apart semi long distance, into an area where we both barely now anyone. So essentially we are now each others main go-to for one on one conversation and interactions.

    Now, I am a very affectionate person and come from a big social family, so i like to express my love often through: compliments, small acts of kindness, playfulness and physical touch. E.g: i tell him how handsome he is from the moment he wakes up, i make him dinner or clean his laundry, i like to play fight, give him tickles and massages etc. Now, until we moved in together, we would see each other for 1-2 days at a time each week and he would be just the same as me. He'd tell me how beautiful i was, be playful, love constant cuddles and want to provide me with his full attention for meaningful conversation, and during intimacy.

    Now fast forward to tonight, I'm lucky if i get a hello or a hug as he comes home from work. He is straight to a beer and youtube. No hugging or chatting during the show, then off to bed as soon as its over. The cycle continues. No sweet compliments or affectionate talk, no teasing or playfulness, no cuddling or even a desire to look at me half the time, and no conversation that has depth. It's like we exchange pleasantries, have sex then sleep. It's starting to feel soulless. Even the sex has a business like aspect to it now. This sounds so pathetic, but the lack of attention and personal intimacy has really been getting to me. Tonight he just got up and left for bed, without any form of good night or asking me to join him, just swept himself out of there. Another sting is that he shows no interest in what I'm studying, where I'm working or where my interests lie- even though i go out of my way to show interest in him.

    I don't know. It just feels like when he is around me, he is turned off by my presence? By my mere touch? I feel so alone and empty, like I'm pouring everything I've got into a broken glass. No matter how hard i try he is just not interested. I'm starting to feel at a loss.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,855
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry this is still happening. It's unclear why you continued with him despite cheating, ignoring and disrespecting you and now just playing house while he has gotten complacent and just drinks beer. You sound very young. Can you move back home? It's not about you. He's just a plain old everyday jerk.
    Originally Posted by Anonymiss246
    I have been in a long term relationship for over a year now and we are currently living together.
    He had messaged another girl (from his old work) for phone sex, one month into our relationship. At the time we were doing long distance.
    i don't know what is true anymore. I feel used.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    1,120
    He had messaged another girl (from his old work) for phone sex, one month into our relationship. At the time we were doing long distance.
    - well, to be fair, one month does not a relationship make. He was still dating around. The unfortunate thing is, you found out about it, it still hurts.


    Regarding your thread today - unfortunately, yours is a very common problem in the relationships. So What's happening? - He's taking you for granted. He got lazy, and complacent. Namely, he's taking you for granted in the romance department........and romance is one of the keys things that keep a woman in love with a man.......and your love level is slipping.

    He's not necessarily a bad dude - life is complicated and people sometimes loos e sight of the important things. Nevertheless, the heart does not hear that excuse; it only knows what it needs.

    You guys had it great when you lived apart, and just met two days a week for a date.......you had healthy space, and a little time apart makes the heart grow fonder. But now the sweet nothings, the affection, and Friday date nights have disappeared and it's become boring.

    So What can you do?

    1) Talk about it - tell him you need those things you had when you first met.

    2) Counseling could help if you can get him to go.

    3) You may have to use tough love - cut off sex. When he asks what's wrong, when the shoe is on the other foot and he sees how it feels to be deprived in the relationship, that's your cue to 'splin it to him. Perhaps, when it hits close to home and he sees the light, he'll be ready to really listen to you and change.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    20,066
    Why did you move in with this guy after he cheated on and lied to you? He sounds like an azzhole.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    8,552
    The backstory here is important.

    You talked in your previous thread about his infidelity after you'd become an official couple. This is not a guy who cares that much about your feelings, you discovered. It follows that his current behaviour with you is apathetic and disengaged.

    I'm sorry OP, but moving in with a man who previously demonstrated his lack of commitment was not wise.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,023
    I moved in with a boyfriend after I found out he had cheated. I figured I could watch him if I lived there. I could make sure I was glaringly present so if anyone came by they would see I lived there and we were a couple.

    That was one of the worst decisions I ever made.

    See, he resented me for being there all the time because it severely limited his extracurricular playtime with his other women. He hated that I was just THERE, in the way, interfering. So he treated me either dismissively or with contempt.

    Oh, and when we didn't live together he was sweetness and light, because when I went home he could have his other girlfriends over and that made him happy. When he was happy he acted nice. Make sense?

    I got out of there. Stayed with him another two years (bigger mistake ) but at least he was nicer to me (eye roll).

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    7
    Choosing to forgive him for cheating on me has been very difficult, and i won't lie, on paper it sounds stupid. To add salt to the wound, we had just moved in together when i discovered the messages, which left me devestated and so far from home. I was at my lowest point.

    I chose to forgive him because i love him fiercely and can see a future with him. I don't condone what he did and i struggle with it constantly, but I'm hoping i made the right decision. We have already been through so much at this point, i only want us to grow stronger. I've been fighting to make us better, i guess i just need to see more movement on his part??? Maybe that's why i feel neglected, because i don't see that same fierceness of love? I can move home, but it's interstate and would hurt our relationshop so much more.

    He apologised to me this morning for the way he acted, he'd been under a fair bit of stress from things he didn't want to worry me with: money, job stress etc. We are young and sometimes i forget that

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    20,066
    Should love be this much work?

    I think you need to love yourself, as your relationship is not reciprocal, respectful or honest. You are losing your self in this guy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    1,049
    Gender
    Female
    Well, I know this particular thread is about you feeling unwanted, but we need to address the cheating. Relationships can survive infidelity, but it's not an easy path. The person who cheated needs to have transparency in their activities and needs to hold themself accountable for what they did (instead of blaming their partner or the person they cheated with). They would need to recommit themselves to their partner's happiness. Unfortunately, it does not seem that he is doing that with you; indeed, he is pulling away even more.

    It's good that he apologized to you, but his reasons are not acceptable imo. You are his partner. He is supposed to communicate these things to you, yes even the stress. Why, you ask? Because it's affecting you, and affecting your relationship with him, so his method of handling his stress isn't effective. His mind is obviously somewhere else and you are left out in the cold so to speak. Had I been you, I would tell him that he needs to talk to me about what's on his mind or I'm leaving. I am not a piece of furniture. I am a person with a mind and a heart, and if the person I'm with doesn't give me the decency to have a real conversation with me, about the good or the bad that inevitably comes in life, then our relationship has no chance of survival.

    This isn't to say that a person cannot have privacy. Of course they can and they should. Your situation is different however because it is affecting your relationship and your happiness. Honestly it is hard to give him a pass on this because of his history. imo he should be treating you way better, especially considering that you are willing to overlook his infidelity.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,855
    Gender
    Male
    The more you act like a martyr and a doormat the more he'll disrespect you. This isn't love. No less "fiercely in love". This is an unhealthy dependency and a misguided notion that you can fix and change him with your grand love..

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •