was dumped 2 wks ago and stuck trying to make sense of it. Need advice pls!

(sorry this is long. summary is I was dumped an agonizing whether the reason was my shortcoming or her being never being invested and potentially failing for someone else. How to deal with not getting these answers as its driving me mad not to know).

I was dumped by GF 2 weeks ago, NC 1 week. Im 50 , she is 40. We were together for 1 year. She has 2 teenage kids from previous marriage.

1st 3 months were great. I found her charming, social, smart, super fit body (does pole dance for sport/hobby) and very confident. such charisma. I was my normal self and confident, and was into her about same amount as she was into me. Really liked her a lot. Always laughing and great sex life. She knew I had my own business and saw my a doing well and often said I was handsome and was typical honeymoon period. Few times I guess I showed her my interest was less and not eager to meet (cant remember why).

At that 3 month mark, she broke up with me suddenly for vague reasons about my personality and I found myself floored and wanting her back. I was a wreck. After week of being apart, she called me crying asking if still loved her and we got back together. I was the happiest guy in the world and I vowed to be the best boyfriend ever and always cheerful, giving, etc. (became a 'nice guy'). It was at this point, I became a people pleaser and version of myself that I thought she would like. I was so scared to go through a break up again and those feelings (I have abandonment issues) that I lost who I was. Started living lifestyle that matched hers but wasn't mine. I thought these changes would be improvement. This is also when I started to feel depressed.

During this next phase of us, I noticed how she seemed to always need male attention (posting her dance videos on IG, having tons of guy friends, flirting mildly), hesitate to introduce me as BF but as a friend (said doest want kids to somehow find out she has BF), no photos of us on social, drinks a lot, said "she could have sex without being in love, had sex friends before and once with married man. etc etc. Daddy issues and not close with family. Kind of a party girl type. Could tell likes to tantalize and tease men. But she accepted the title of my girlfriend and agreed we not seeing other people.

But we always had so much fun together I chose to overlook or rationalize these red flags. My anxiety and depression worsened both by this and uncertainty about my job/business. I talked about marriage at some point and that I was so sure she was my match. She said maybe when kids are older, perhaps in 5-6 years, but no rush to talk about marriage.

Over time, the combination of my codependent tendencies and her mysterious and attention seeking ways made me become clingy, smothering and insecure. It didnt help that I was unsure bout my career and at that point and I think hid inside the comfort of the relationship to avoid facing. I didnt foster friendships and let my business slip as I focused too much on her. She is very independent and busy mom, so combining that with the way I was acting (dependent) since didnt feel could trust her completely created a power shift. I tried to meet her almost every day and was always available.

She saw I was slipping and starting making comments about how I never do things with friends and not following through on career ideas I had. I didnt tell her I was in depression because I was afraid she would leave, so I hid it. She probably thought I was just lazy, but I was fighting to keep my head above water. I spent most of day just trying to help deal with depression and so was not bringing much interest to the relationship. She also noticed I wasn't into music like she was, didn't know about current events, and that all we talked about was mainly her exciting and busy life. So I am sure she started to get boring. Other things I did like saying I understood something she said when I didn't (we are living abroad and speaks sometimes in her native language which I am not fluent in but can speak basic). She would call me out on this and say she didn't like that I pretended to understand when I didn't. I just didn't want to keep asking her to clarify and explain. She said she didn't like that we couldn't communicate in either language at deep level and made her sad, although her English is very good and fluent speaker.

About 4 months ago I could notice her not being as excited when we met, not holding my hand so tightly, not kissing hello/goodbye unless I did, and being somewhat critical of me. This continued and got worse until the end. Every time I would try to talk about it with her, she would say nothing is wrong and make me feel too sensitive for asking and get irritated (was clear she wasn't enjoying my company). I kept thinking I could love her enough for both of us. The plans, texting...always initiated by me during the last 4 months.

More jealousy 'jokes' about other men since she said likes to see me get jealous. Loved to joke she was cheating or meeting other men. Even said once after sex "yes I am sleeping with other guys' and when I acted shocked she said "just kidding, I have dark sense of humor'. I asked her few times if seeing anyone else and she assured me 'no' (of course). I just became more insecure and needy as I felt her getting further away.

She would sometimes mention a guy we both know and I noticed her interacting with his social media and less on mine. Would say things about his great job and he come up sometimes in conversation. Could be nothing and proves nothing. I talked with this guy few tomes and would make statements about honesty and cheating just to see his reaction, kind of feeling him out. He acted nervous but again its not proof. I couldn't tell if I was being paranoid from being depressed and insecure or there was something there. I got feeling there was more there then he admitted. Once when he and I were drinking he told me what a great woman she is and all these qualities about her. He said he only chatted with her on FB once but I know this is BS.

Towards the end, all signs like now taking hours to reply to texts, always texting on phone even when with me, short replies to my texts, no emoticons, no details about her day, excuses not to meet as much, etc. Sometimes not read my texts for 4-5 hours always certain days of the week. Always had excuse as to why. used to give reasons why couldn't meet me on certain days, but now was just that 'she couldn't meet'. I even thought to hire private investigator to have proof that she was or wasn't cheating but I thought I couldn't handle it if I found out it was true. So I didnt. Anxiety and stress through the roof. sleep majorly affected. Starting wearing out my friends initial offers to listen as the story of my concerns and urges to break up went unheeded and nothing changed. They started to avoid me and even now feel distance from them.

Last 6 weeks she treated me so bad I think to get me to break up. Even criticizing my table manners or noises I make when I chew. I asked her if love me anymore and she said wasnt sure. Started to not want to have sex as much but would do it. I got more clingy and desperate. She gave excuses of 'just wanting to be alone again for a while' or 'kids getting in trouble since she not home enough to care for them and with me all the time'. Actually said lets break up but I convinced her to give it a bit more time. She then said didnt see future with me and my job being so unstable, etc. was a reason. I asked her give me 2 months to get more stable job and she initially agreed, but then said not sure if could wait. One night I told her to please wait a bit more and that I know she has options as an attractive women. She said yes she does and has men waiting to date her, but saying no because with me. She just got more and more disrespectful and I kept taking it because I didnt want to lose her. Next day she said was joking about saying that about other men.

2 weeks ago she said on phone that 'she can not be in relationship right now, her kids are not doing well and too much stress'. I pressed for more and she said also lost respect for me and her feeling are less than before. Some of her criticisms are right though. She didnt say we are 'broken up' and 'dont call me', etc. I said I will find the job and wont give up on her. I assume we broke up but it still felt a little vague. I know she tried let me down easy or in a way that I couldn't argue with it.

I texted her next day and she gave a pleasant reply. Let it go for a week and I reached out again saying 'hope she is doing well'. She replied minutes later more enthusiastically then in months and said "well, things still not good in her life and busy, but hopes be better soon" and also said she misses this one place we used to visit (not miss me). Wished each other a good weekend and that was it. I havent texted again in a week and not looking at her social media because seeing her photo will make me want to contact her.

I wanted to marry this woman and thought I was done with dating and searching for a partner. Its clear I lost myself and the clinginess just killed her attraction for me.

What I am stuggling with is...

- I'll never know 100% if she did cheat before breaking up since I have no evidence, just my gut and the signs. Its possible she just wanted to distance from my clinginess and be free again. Perhaps was just emotional affair. I dont know and thats killing me.

- I dont know if she is with that guy (or someone) now since we dont talk and im doing NC and not looking at her social. (I want to know but I don't).

- how much of the demise was her never being committed and how much was my insecurity? would it have worked if I hadn't given in to those fears? or if I told her about my depression earlier?

- Was I played the whole time and she had many BF or did she just simply lose interest and she did love me at some point, but if faded and started wanting to find someone?

I cycle from beating myself up for push her away with weak desperate behavior and not trying harder with my business VS anger at her for not being more transparent this whole time and leaving me with all these questions. Again I have zero actual proof she cheated, just suspicions.

I am not moving on since im stuck with wondering about the above AND the hope this is all just a bad phase and we wlll be together again at some point once I sort my job and confidence again.

Any help is GREATLY appreciated. I feel like im spiraling down even more.

OK, have read your whole post! I'm sorry but I think from everything you've written, it doesn't really sound like this woman was in love with you or saw a future really from the start. I think this was evident in her behaviour where she didn't want to call you her boyfriend, she was still talking to other guys on social media, making excuses, etc. These are not behaviours of someone who truly loved you. I also think from everything you've described that this woman is a player. She obviously just loves getting attention and admiration from different men and she wasn't necessarily looking to settle down with anyone because that would interfere with her party girl lifestyle.

Also I think when you love someone, you need to love them in a normal way and not like you are completely obsessed with them and addicted to them. I know it's easy to slip down the path of obsession because I've been there before myself. But when you're in a relationship, your partner should compliment your life, not BE your life. I think that your ex-girlfriend was right, it's important to have your own friends, hobbies, work, and so on. I've dated someone who didn't have those things and I'll admit, it is off putting.

I think that as you said, you were too clingy and desperate, but that was probably for a reason. Maybe deep down you actually sensed that your ex was not truly into you. To be honest, to me it sounds like she just likes to keep her options open. I think she's even doing it now because she didn't even fully break up with you and she's still replying to your messages. I think she's keeping you as a backup plan in case it doesn't work out with some of her other admirers.

Don't beat yourself up over what happened. I know you probably don't want to hear this but I think that this woman probably wasn't as into you from the start, so it was likely she was going to break up with you eventually anyway.

I think the only closure you need is from yourself really...You need to realise that this woman was just not the one, as much as you wanted her to be.

Well from reading this it seems that you certainly killed the attraction she had for you. This is done. I don't think you can come back from this. You, by your own admission, became clingy, kissed her ass, tried to appease her. All the things that most women can't stand. You lost all focus on yourself and made your life revolve around hers. Her b1thcy behaviour was basically her way of saying i do not respect you anymore. She was teasing, testing and tormenting you at the end and you accepted it. Game over.

I would move on, please get help for your depression, i understand poor mental health makes being in a relationship hard and probably if it had not happened things might have been different so get yourself into a better place FOR YOU NOT HER OR ANYONE ELSE.

You should not want her back, she could have easily ended it when she knew months back she didn't hve feelings for you anymore but she chose to toy with you which is messed up of her, this is not the behaviour of a decent human being.

Seeking the truth will lead to more pain as chances are she will never tell you the truth. I would let it go. The answers and closure you are looking for are already there. She ended the relationship. That is your closure. Anything else now is just continuing your own suffering. Block her.

Thank you both for replies and reading long post. @tinydancer: yes I would have to agree that I didn't want to acknowledge the signs and thought I could love her enough for both of us. Was a one-sided relation from the point we got back after the break up. Whole dynamic changed after my abandonment issues fof triggered. Any you are right I was not that way before with other women or with her until she started becoming less and less invested. It became a bad circle.

@ninjabib: yes I know all the mistakes I made. I'm not blaming her for how I acted but she certainly didn't create a feeling of commitment to the relationship so unfortunately instead of walking I was too invested and just kept getting deeper. I was not depressed until the constant stress over where we stood and whether she was faithful took its toll on me. It was too much to cope with. Yes I should have left but I was blinded by hope of what I thought we could be and were early on. Anyway, yes respect is gone and I handled all wrong

She just tonight liked a FB post of mine and is watching my IG stories even I have muted her and not looked at her social or texted her in a week. I'm thinking wuthef means nothing or just friendly kind of sign. Or she is playing with me and trying to get my attention. I'm not ready to block or unfriendly her yet but I will continue Nc. Strange that she is orbiting now

Just finished reading this entire post and the replies. I have to agree with the others that this relationship is over. The signs when she would not introduce you as her boyfriend, but just as a friend and not really wanting her kids knowing she had a boyfriend were huge signals. Then the lack of interest that was going down hill and the increased texting and posting photos of the dancing were also big signs. The lady obviously was never dedicated into this relationship as you were and it is best for you to move on and look elsewhere.

She is orbiting to keep you hanging on. Its just games that will hurt you. The quicker you block the quicker the healing starts.

 

@ninjabib: yes I know all the mistakes I made. I'm not blaming her for how I acted but she certainly didn't create a feeling of commitment to the relationship so unfortunately instead of walking I was too invested and just kept getting deeper. I was not depressed until the constant stress over where we stood and whether she was faithful took its toll on me. It was too much to cope with. Yes I should have left but I was blinded by hope of what I thought we could be and were early on. Anyway, yes respect is gone and I handled all wrong

 

She just tonight liked a FB post of mine and is watching my IG stories even I have muted her and not looked at her social or texted her in a week. I'm thinking wuthef means nothing or just friendly kind of sign. Or she is playing with me and trying to get my attention. I'm not ready to block or unfriendly her yet but I will continue Nc. Strange that she is orbiting now

She was testing you to see how you react or just completely indifferent to your feelings. At least you are aware of what went wrong. It sounds like when you got back together you became desperate to prove yourself which you should never do. You seem like you have your head screwed on and will learn from this.

You need to block her on everything. This was never a healthy or compatible match. You morphed yourself into a different person and excused many red flags. She was "transparent," you chose not to respond.

Please do not date for at least 6 months, so that you can process why you were even with this woman. Block and delete!

When you stop seeing yourself as a victim and recognize your complicity in this, you will move on faster and become a man with better self esteem and boundaries- it worked for me.

Is this type of woman a pattern for you?

I think your desire for her...prove yourself, fear of loss...took over, but I question if she's really all that into you. She likes having you around on her terms, for sure. You benefit her life. She's attracted, but she has other things going on. Maybe other men, maybe the desire to stay on the market. You meet her needs when she wants you...I don't really know.

I think the thing that had me thinking, "No, just no," was the photos of her pole dancing. Granted pole dancing has taken on some popularity, and is a tremendous skill. It is also, however, very sexual in nature, and by your description, her posts on this seem to fall in line with the sexual nature.

I can understand keeping dating under wraps with the children at first...it really depends on the children's age and the seriousness of the relationship. No need to bring anything up, the kiddos are not your friends...at least until they are adults, and even then, family dynamics can be really problematic. At three months, I don't find it terribly unusualy to keep dating under wraps, but this on top of other questionable behavior just adds insecurity.

This woman, frankly, doesn't seem too terribly invested in you. You have overly compensated as it it's your fault and you need to prove otherwise...the thing is, I don't think it makes a difference...you've never been it, which is why she has behaved the way she has; she doesn't care that much. You'll be around.

Let this go. I'm afraid she's just not that into you.

thank you all, seem to be in agreement. Few things which I dont know make difference but I will clarify.

- I did meet her daughter a few times, just not son because she felt couldn't handle it

- Im in foreign country with different customs and views around family, so they are more conservative about bringing new people into kids lives I think,

- Her friends did figure out she had BF and she did not deny it, but I dont think was eager for them to find out. But even after 8 months for her to still not introduce me as BF when asked and use the reason that doesn't want kids to find out seems weak.

- she had always posted videos of her dancing from the start, it did not increase or change in frequency. I felt uncomfortable going to her shows she did once in a while dancing in front of people. Mind you, not stripping and no clothes removed but sexy and erotic non the less.

- I have become needy and smothering in the past, but never had to deal with suspicions of infidelity or constant jealousy ploys.

- She never rejected the title of GF which I often use with her or refer to myself as her BF. I did ask her if seeing other people she said no. So not much transparency there is talking to many guys or or more.

- Ive never had this kind of GF before that was so social and needing mens attention. Just didnt mix well with my anxiety I guess

- Im. not denying my part in what happened, that I changed to suit what I thought she wanted. She often said she felt I wasnt being myself and it bothered her. That I was afraid to stand up to her.

I felt she really did love me at some point and would say it to me. it just became less and less. our relationship was always at her convenience because of her schedule with work and kids.

I will address my side of this before getting into another relationship. When I date a few women I dont become like this. I decided to open myself to this woman and commit and I got in too deep and invested so much that couldn't pull out when I should have.

as most of you had said, she had me as option the whole time, just I guess I went from option #1 to no 2 o 3 towards the end. She must have secured a better guy and then wanted out quickly Thats why got so mean and disrespectful. Thing is I will never know as the excuse she used was unstable career and her life too hectic for relationship right now (kids, etc). Its BS I know.

That's why it's best to stop going over it in your head. Easier said than done I know.

Day 10 NC/Day 18 Post BU

Was able to focus on things needed to do yesterday and got a lot done. Still surprised she hasn't reached out at all, except for that one like on social media. Still in semi Anger phase both at her and myself for the way I acted and behavior I allowed, as well as how she treated me to try to get out. I can see she was never really committed but she KNEW I thought she was and played along. That makes me angry. I listened to words not actions.

Trying to rebuild by reputation with clients and colleques from the fallout of talking about this so much and oversharing my issue with them. Was in panic mode and reaching out to anyone who would listen. Lesson learned. Do that with therapist or come to site like this one.

Not out the woods. Not sure how would react if she texted me. must get prepared in case happens.

Also she has an important event coming up and wanted to wish her good luck since we are not enemies, but not sure if good to break NC for that. She might be fine to hear from me, but I dont know about me. Just dont want her to think I dont/never cared about her goals (this event). Any advice?

NO! Do not break no contact. Terrible idea! Stop looking for excuses to reconnect.

Why haven't you deleted and blocked everything?

I haven't because I even I block I can always unblock so I don't see point. We didn't have huge fight or bitter breakup. She not angry at me nor me her. Just thought would wish her good luck but guess bad idea since may concern the response.

You are angry and emotional though. Blocking is the best way because if she contacts you to be her plan b again you would go running and restart a cycle of over corrective behaviour. I actually believe you wouldnt be a doormat again but instead the opposite which is just as bad. At the moment you are looking for excuses to hold on which I think most of us would say we have all done from 1 time to another but nothing good will come of it

I hear you and yes I am mad I guess. Why would being opposite of doormat be bad? just curious. I guess Im still hesitat to close all doors. Not contacting is best I can do right now.

YOu just need to close those doors shut and then the healing begins. One day at a time.

Wrong post

P.S.

I personally do not advise anyone to delete and block until they are ready. Especially with admitted anxiety issues, all it will do is cause you to unblock and panic about whether or not they contacted you when they were blocked.

When you’re ready to take that next step you will know, I don’t think you’re at that point yet, baby steps, unfriend her. That’s step one.

I'm just not there yet. I have unfollowed her on FB and muted her story. I don't check her page because I know traumatize me. So I have no urge to look. For IG I muted both her posts and story. I don't want to unfollow as it would be hard to undo since private account. So far not seeing any of her posts is helping. She was looking at mine and gave a like recently but i see not checking now.

But do you see that her ‘like’ is a bread crumb?

You’re broke. Up so there is no need for all of that.

You have nothing to do with each other now.

If she wants to reconcille it will not be because of social media, she has your number, she knows how to reach you.

Take that first step. You can do it.

Yep shes just testing you to see if it keeps you hanging on. What do you stand to gain from having her on FB/IG etc? She probably knows that you are considering blocking her and her ego won't like that so these 'likes' etc are a nothing gesture to keep you hanging on.

thanks all. yes they are breadcrumbs and sadly at this stage it did make me feel something. No likes since. Im still NC which is good. We didnt have a huge blowout and although im angry at her for the way she treated me, im also angry myself letting me be treated like that. So in that way, im not terrible mad at her.

Feeling off today and was just triggered so could use some objectivity here...

Just saw the guy who I imagine she may be dating now and left me for (no confirm I know, just LOTS of circumstantial evidence) and had thought to go up to him and say "so she told me you are dating now" to see if he confesses. If he did, then I would text to her that her reason she gave for breakup was BS and she is a horrible person for dating one of my clients and setting it up during our relationship.

I want to know, but I don't because would just unravel me. Having trouble letting the desire to know if she cheated with him the whole time or is dating him now. I know this is pointless but its what is coming up right now. I did do it, but had urge to do it when I just saw him.

Please tell me how stupid and pointless this is so I can let it go. Was doing pretty good today too...then that...