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Thread: No intimacy

  1. #1

    No intimacy

    My boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half now and our first 2 months together were perfect. We had sex all the time and he was so affectionate and cuddly. Then all of a sudden the sex stopped. The only time we have it is when I initiate it but most of the time when I try to, he tells me he's too tired. We go anywhere from 4-12 weeks without having sex and it's been taking a toll on our relationship. It doesn't seem to bother him at all but I get really upset when I feel rejected. I've tried talking to him about it multiple times and have asked him if he's getting it somewhere else and he says absolutely not. I've asked him if he's not attracted to me and he says he is. He does work 3rd shift so I understand being tired but I still think there's something seriously wrong if we're only averaging sex once in 60 days! When I get upset about it he starts to blame it on his age (he's 40 and I'm 32). Then he gets upset at me, asking why sex is the most important thing in our relationship. I try to explain that it's not the most important thing but it is an important part. Idk what to do. He knows it's been bothering me for a long time now but there's been no changes. We're actually in our longest dry spell right now. I feel myself starting to pull away. Other than this he is like the perfect guy. He's smart, funny, kind, driven, level headed, respectful. I don't want things to end but I can't be in a sexless relationship. What do I do?

  2. #2
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    It sounds like he may just see you as a friend and you don't just want a friend.

  3. #3
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    Also I just want to say I'm sorry to hear you're in this predicament.
    You're probably reaching a critical point at the time of your posting this.

    In my opinion - For all the ideas of nobility, honour and patience (intillectual things), we are governed by our biology, and trying to suppress our biological voice too much will just make the pressure manifest itself in more destructive ways for yourself and your partner if left unresolved.

    Don't let it get to a point of resentment, blaming, depression, anger or cheating. Take control. If he doesn't make efforts to get to the bottom of the issue for your piece of mind then it may be time to consider parting and I don't like saying this because I don't want to effect a break up.

    Doing what the quiet voice inside you says is often the way, but the hardest and one will reason and excuse themselves a way around to avoid listening to that voice and acting on it.
    If you break things off, don't do it if/when because some else has come along, do it knowing you're stepping out of this relationship into being single and alone again. This way you can re-set and understand that you would rather be alone than in a relationship that isn't right for you. - only if you decide to break up with him.

  4. #4
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    It sounds like this is just who he is - he has a low libido. I realize that in the first couple months it wasn't an issue, but that's when most are running on hormones so it's easy to engage in intimacy. Now, you are seeing his true nature.

    I don't think it's all down to age, either. My own partner is 52 (I'm nearly 38), works a very busy schedule, and thus far has not experienced a dip in desire. Of course, every man is different but 40 is not that old yet. Has your boyfriend ever had his testosterone checked, and would he be willing? That too can affect a man's libido, among other things.

    If he is comfortable as things are, though, you might be looking at a plain old sexual incompatibility. That will leave you with the difficult choice of staying but not expecting things to change, or going your separate ways.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Does he have ED? Does he drink, smoke or do drugs? You've already tried everything and talked and talked and it's not working. You need to end it.
    Originally Posted by Bluegirl86
    all of a sudden the sex stopped. The only time we have it is when I initiate it but most of the time when I try to, he tells me he's too tired. he's 40 and I'm 32.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    I am sorry this is happening to you...

    You love this man and have invested a year and a half with him.

    But out of that time, your sexual life with him was only good for 2 months... do the math...

    Sex is very important in a relationship. Not the most important, but very ...

    No matter why you stuck around, you have reached a point where this has taken a heavy toll on you. You could try counseling if you think he is worth the effort but I doubt he will go for it.

    Be brave and follow your heart. Big chances you will have to end things to avoid further damaging your self esteem.

    All the best to you

  8. #7
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    I think he needs to respect and be mindful of your needs, like setting up a time frame for intimacy after he turns you down. Is he trying to keep himself healthy for you, like regular checkups?


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