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Thread: Help

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Mar 2019
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    Help

    My partner and I have been together for 4 and a half years. We have a son (3yo) and a daughter (1yo). We have always been constantly bickering but recently we both feel like our relationship is falling apart. It got to a point where he was packing his bags. He has been diagnosed with IBS, very low vitamin D level and potential arthritis. I try to be very supportive of his illnesses but I'm becoming quite resentful as he is acting like an old man at the age of 22 not wanting to get up from the sofa not even for a walk constantly complaining about everything. He has also become extremely verbally abusive. Everything that would come out of his mouth whenever is a criticism. He constantly corrects how I walk, how I talk, how I do pretty much anything in an extremely rude manner and fails to see he even does it. He constantly barks commands at me whilst sitting back completely able to do things himself. We've had the talk countless times but he never seems to improve in this area. He is trying quite hard to help around the house which was an issue before but I feel like he improves in one way but becomes catastrophic in another.

    Every single thing I do is criticised. I am constantly called out for "not thinking" in very simple tasks such as forgetting to take Wipes while feeding baby. It's difficult living with someone who is constantly punishing you for everything you do. He always blames me, turns the problem on me and whenever I ask him for an example so I can improve he very rarely can say one. He also has nothing to say when I ask him why he has never hilighted that some things I do are even issues for him. His expectations change with his mood, so on one day he can yell at me for putting keys in my pocket instead of giving them to him other times he yells at me that I gave him the keys and I should keep them. There are many situations fought about in this manner. It's so difficult to keep up. They are such simple things I'm getting so told off over, which eventually turns into getting yelled at. He would snap at me to "shut the f*ck up" and "piss off" whenever I bought up a topic which he didn't feel like talking about, which was 9/10 times so no issues were ever resolved. I constantly try to explain to him, how hurtful his behavior is and he usually just brushes me off at best and intimidates me by dismissing me not allowing me to finish by yelling "shut the f*ck up I don't give a sh*t" often in front of the kids even though I used a calm tone of a regular conversation. Speaking of tone and sentence structure, I always have to say a sentence in my head before saying it out loud to prevent him from getting mad. I constantly have to monitor how I say things and am scared of his reaction. I feel like most of the day I'm criticised over the most mundane tasks, which I do everyday successfully without his input. If not criticised then I am being told what and how to do it, this also takes on a large proportion of the day. One day I was paying for shopping and after receiving my change I wanted to walk off to the side to put away my change to make space as there was a large queue. This resulted in being asked what the f*ck I am doing and to put the goddamn money in my purse repeatedly in a span of about 20 seconds. If I don't answer him straight away (because I'm chewing, drinking or speaking to my child or I simply didn't hear or was about to come in to the room and didn't want to yell from another room) he will repeat the question over and over again each time louder often yelling until I answer him. All of this goes on every single day. He often justifies it with being hungry or tired.

    Perhaps to make himself feel better and put some blame on me he says some of this behavior is because I am stopping him from seeing his friends,drinking alcohol and smoking. I don't want my kids to grow up in an drug related environment, his father was an alcoholic so he should know no good can come from drinking or smoking. We agreed that it's challenging looking after 2 little ones and I will let him know if I'm having a good day so he can make plans. I have been doing that consistently but half the time his friend wasn't available, and recently he tells me I never do and that I stop him when he asks. I have gotten quite upset last time he asked because he spent the entire weekend being abusive to me and I had a very long day which he knew about and I felt he always has other priorities than us. He is constantly on his phone ignoring even the kids. He has slowly started to cut me off, he always called at lunch and suddenly stopped. I relied on these conversations because sadly I didn't speak to many people during the day and was very upset at first but eventually dealt with it. We would sometimes agree for him to call me if there was something important he was sorting out and I wanted to know the outcome. He forgot every single time. Few months passed and we were very short on money, he would always give me access to his account before without an issue as we had joint money. This time he didn't because he purely wanted me to "trust" him (I only wanted to do a budget chart to see how to improve our spending) I was extremely stressed as we were barely making it financially, he took out a loan for a car then another, then spent 1000 on a scam which I desperately tried to stop him from without success and had used money from his credit card and there was still not enough. He told me he doesn't give a crap, that I'm just going to have to trust him and try to make the chart from memory and stopped replying to me. It was a tipping point for me and had my first major panic attack. I had 2 big ones after that, one landed me in the hospital with a numb face, pain in chest and heart palpitations. I got diagnosed with anxiety. I believe this chain of controlling abusive behavior is just making me lose my mind.

    I would love to leave but I am scared he will take the kids and not return them. He has this odd thing where in his sleep he rubs up against me and tries to have sex, never has any recollection of the events. One day he fell asleep in my toddlers bed for 2 hours, who in the morning complained of Willy pain saying "daddy" pointing to his Willy (he has been doing that with any odd scratch he gets definitely not all from dad, if any). I am terrified my partner unknowingly molested our son. He is no longer allowed to sleep next to kids. If we separate and he takes them, even for the weekend I am scared they will be at risk of sexual abuse. They can't even speak yet and my partner doesn't know he does it so no one would ever know if it happened. Another issue is partners mother doesn't practice any health and safety rules when handling food. Partner and his sister have IBS and IBD which I fully believe is from food poisoning which their mother caused by the lack of hygiene. I'm terrified of my kids eating there and my partner refuses to have a talk with her, also believing it's a waste of time as he tried once and she didn't listen. It will not be effective coming from me, I believe she can become even spiteful as it'll offend her. If I leave him I will have no control over what they consume there and it can make them sick or potentially even chronicly ill. I'd like to move far away but I'm scared he'll come and take them, or start a court order forbidding me from taking them far. Do I stay and be abused or should I take this rocky unclear path of separation? I'm so scared. I know for a fact, he doesn't want to change. I feel he no longer cares about me and lost all respect. I don't know what to do.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He's abusive. Stop listening to orders. Stop answering to him and stop talking to him. Focus Only on yourself and your kids and getting out. Do you have family/friends nearby? You and your kids need to get out. Privately and without informing him, make your arrangements with trusted friends/family to get an exit plan together. You must contact an attorney and file for full custody and child support. The problem is you list incident after incident but do nothing and behave the same way without positive and healthy action. You are way to caught up in trivia.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    The National Domestic Violence hotline is 1-800-799-7233 (to the moderators: I hope that's ok I put that in there). Call them and a helpful, trained person will give you confidential help. Please, do it today, for your children's sake as well as your own. There are women's shelters who will house you and your children while helping you reboot your life: new job new bank account etc.

    You can also store the non-emergency phone number for your local police just in case you have more questions or need more help.


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