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Thread: Can't complain yet I do

  1. #1
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    Can't complain yet I do

    Hi, there. I've been feeling anguished lately and in need to let it out with someone and hopefully get some advice, so I came here. But the worst part is, when I think about it... I don't really have much to complain about.

    So, here's my story:

    I started dating the girl who's now my wife 13 years ago, when we were both really young: we were 18, just starting college, absolutely inexperienced. We got married about three years ago and when we moved in together, it was the first time any of us was living outside of our parent's houses.

    But when we got married, things weren't so cool. We were both stressed out with this new responsibilities and the things that needed to be done on our home. She was unhappy with me, I was unhappy too, our sex life sucked and so on.

    In 2017, I cheated on her. This girl at work started to hit on me, I resisted for a while, but it felt too good to have someone actually attracted to me for a change, and I ended up flirting back until it happened. My wife found out, we had a fight, broke up for a while, the whole drama. After a month, we talked and decided to give it another try.

    Now, I've been through punishing myself and feeling like a total scumbag, and she seems pretty much healed too, although not completely. Things are in fact better than they have ever been for us: we have found a good balance for our responsibilities at home, we talk a lot more and are way more honest with each other and while our sex life is still far from great, we've gone a long way in this field too.

    Yet, I'm not satisfied. After our fight, I figured once we solved all our issues, things would naturally feel good, but after all this time, when everything finally seems to be working out, I still can't prevent myself from nursing ideas about divorce.

    Seriously, what's the matter with me? After all I made her go through, and when I have such a comfortable life, is it fair that I'd still want out? Could this be just a phase?

    Help is greatly appreciated, but I'm up for criticism just as well.

    Thanks for reading, anyway. Felt good to write it down.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you were too young to get married. The male brain doesnt finish maturing until age 25. How about couples' counseling or if she wont go, you should get individual counseling to get to the bottom of what's bugging you. My guess is you have GIGS which is Grass Is Greener Syndrome.

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    Oh, yeah, I'm seeing a psychologist ever since "the incident" and so is my wife. We tried couples therapy for a few months, too and it actually helped a lot.

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    Have you considered a return to couples counseling?

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    Well I don't want to ruin your marriage and throw thirteen years down the drain, but here is something to think about...It may be possible that you and your wife are not really compatible as a live in couple. I know that a long time ago people didn't use to live together before marriage and then got married and it worked out fine.

    The thing about living together though is living with that person's daily habits and their living style. Sometimes people can work in a relationship but as soon as it comes to living together, it just doesn't gel. For example, I'm messy so if I began living with a partner who loves neatness, they may consider it a deal breaker and break up.

    Another thing is that we change so much in our late teens and early twenties, so maybe you have just "grown out of love" with your wife. Or it could be the fact that you haven't really played the field and hooked up with different girls when you were really young and you feel like you missed out on that experience. I think that's understandable to be honest because most young people party, hook up, flirt, you name it. I think it's a very large part of exploring yourself and your sexuality as a young person.

    Having said that, if you do love your wife and you want to work it out, I think you will just have to accept that you won't be getting those experiences. I know it's a hard thing to imagine but I personally think that having one person to love and be with is a lot more quality than just Tinder hookups. I did a lot of partying and casual sex in my twenties and not all of it was good. At the end of the day I think it's nice to have someone to come home to.

    I think you might have the "Grass Is Greener Syndrome" but I think it's also important to examine why you've got it. If you don't feel happy with your wife, what could the reasons be? Do you just not love her and think she's not "the one"? Or is it just that you want to experience being with other women?

    I think you will have to choose your wife or the single life (that rhymed lol). Because cheating is wrong, as you already know yourself.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    On Marriage. com, there's an article called "How to Connect Emotionally with your Wife." It has excellent concrete ideas to try. It's worth a try, and give it a good long try, before you decide to throw in the towel.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Agree it sounds like you settled down too young and still want to play the field. Perhaps on the surface you've "solved all your issues", but you really haven't since you still want out. Complacency is not the same as contentment.
    Originally Posted by willgould
    she seems pretty much healed too, although not completely.

    Yet, I'm not satisfied. After our fight, I figured once we solved all our issues, things would naturally feel good, but after all this time, when everything finally seems to be working out, I still can't prevent myself from nursing ideas about divorce.

  9. #8
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    "Seriously, what's the matter with me?"
    - Not knowing what you got till it's gone.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Instead of going straight to the D-button, you may want to consider separation as a means of learning what life would be like without your wife. That doesn't mean having affairs while separated, it means learning. Then both of you can decide whether the marriage is worth saving or not.

    One risk with this is learning that you really do love your wife and that you want to reconcile while SHE learns that she'd prefer to move forward without you.

  11. #10
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    Hi, guys, thanks for all the inputs.

    I read a bit about GIGS and while it does seem to make sense, I'm aware (at least consciously) of what I would lose and that things wouldn't be all that sweet were I to be alone.

    So, what I've been doing is making an effort to realise the aspects of my life I'm dissatisfied with, so I can address them within my marriage. Namely, my sex life and my sense of freedom and identity.

    But, while I see progress on these areas, I also feel like I'm way too far from a point I'd be happy with, and I can't tell whether we'll ever reach such a point. My wife seems to be happy with our sexual routines, so while I can see that she's making an effort, it's never a priority to her. Idk, it sometimes feels like we're straight out incompatible, as someone suggested above.

    Also, I'm now sure that you guys are right when you say we've settled too young. Not only were we on our teens when we started dating seriously, neither of us had ever had an "intense" life as singles before, so I do feel like I'm missing on something. But in this matter, I have no idea how to handle things, as I just can't go back.

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