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Can't complain – yet I do


willgould

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Hi, there. I've been feeling anguished lately and in need to let it out with someone and hopefully get some advice, so I came here. But the worst part is, when I think about it... I don't really have much to complain about.

 

So, here's my story:

 

I started dating the girl who's now my wife 13 years ago, when we were both really young: we were 18, just starting college, absolutely inexperienced. We got married about three years ago and when we moved in together, it was the first time any of us was living outside of our parent's houses.

 

But when we got married, things weren't so cool. We were both stressed out with this new responsibilities and the things that needed to be done on our home. She was unhappy with me, I was unhappy too, our sex life sucked and so on.

 

In 2017, I cheated on her. This girl at work started to hit on me, I resisted for a while, but it felt too good to have someone actually attracted to me for a change, and I ended up flirting back until it happened. My wife found out, we had a fight, broke up for a while, the whole drama. After a month, we talked and decided to give it another try.

 

Now, I've been through punishing myself and feeling like a total scumbag, and she seems pretty much healed too, although not completely. Things are in fact better than they have ever been for us: we have found a good balance for our responsibilities at home, we talk a lot more and are way more honest with each other and while our sex life is still far from great, we've gone a long way in this field too.

 

Yet, I'm not satisfied. After our fight, I figured once we solved all our issues, things would naturally feel good, but after all this time, when everything finally seems to be working out, I still can't prevent myself from nursing ideas about divorce.

 

Seriously, what's the matter with me? After all I made her go through, and when I have such a comfortable life, is it fair that I'd still want out? Could this be just a phase?

 

Help is greatly appreciated, but I'm up for criticism just as well.

 

Thanks for reading, anyway. Felt good to write it down.

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Well I don't want to ruin your marriage and throw thirteen years down the drain, but here is something to think about...It may be possible that you and your wife are not really compatible as a live in couple. I know that a long time ago people didn't use to live together before marriage and then got married and it worked out fine.

 

The thing about living together though is living with that person's daily habits and their living style. Sometimes people can work in a relationship but as soon as it comes to living together, it just doesn't gel. For example, I'm messy so if I began living with a partner who loves neatness, they may consider it a deal breaker and break up.

 

Another thing is that we change so much in our late teens and early twenties, so maybe you have just "grown out of love" with your wife. Or it could be the fact that you haven't really played the field and hooked up with different girls when you were really young and you feel like you missed out on that experience. I think that's understandable to be honest because most young people party, hook up, flirt, you name it. I think it's a very large part of exploring yourself and your sexuality as a young person.

 

Having said that, if you do love your wife and you want to work it out, I think you will just have to accept that you won't be getting those experiences. I know it's a hard thing to imagine but I personally think that having one person to love and be with is a lot more quality than just Tinder hookups. I did a lot of partying and casual sex in my twenties and not all of it was good. At the end of the day I think it's nice to have someone to come home to.

 

I think you might have the "Grass Is Greener Syndrome" but I think it's also important to examine why you've got it. If you don't feel happy with your wife, what could the reasons be? Do you just not love her and think she's not "the one"? Or is it just that you want to experience being with other women?

 

I think you will have to choose your wife or the single life (that rhymed lol). Because cheating is wrong, as you already know yourself.

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Sorry this is happening. Agree it sounds like you settled down too young and still want to play the field. Perhaps on the surface you've "solved all your issues", but you really haven't since you still want out. Complacency is not the same as contentment.

she seems pretty much healed too, although not completely.

 

Yet, I'm not satisfied. After our fight, I figured once we solved all our issues, things would naturally feel good, but after all this time, when everything finally seems to be working out, I still can't prevent myself from nursing ideas about divorce.

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Instead of going straight to the D-button, you may want to consider separation as a means of learning what life would be like without your wife. That doesn't mean having affairs while separated, it means learning. Then both of you can decide whether the marriage is worth saving or not.

 

One risk with this is learning that you really do love your wife and that you want to reconcile while SHE learns that she'd prefer to move forward without you.

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Hi, guys, thanks for all the inputs.

 

I read a bit about GIGS and while it does seem to make sense, I'm aware (at least consciously) of what I would lose and that things wouldn't be all that sweet were I to be alone.

 

So, what I've been doing is making an effort to realise the aspects of my life I'm dissatisfied with, so I can address them within my marriage. Namely, my sex life and my sense of freedom and identity.

 

But, while I see progress on these areas, I also feel like I'm way too far from a point I'd be happy with, and I can't tell whether we'll ever reach such a point. My wife seems to be happy with our sexual routines, so while I can see that she's making an effort, it's never a priority to her. Idk, it sometimes feels like we're straight out incompatible, as someone suggested above.

 

Also, I'm now sure that you guys are right when you say we've settled too young. Not only were we on our teens when we started dating seriously, neither of us had ever had an "intense" life as singles before, so I do feel like I'm missing on something. But in this matter, I have no idea how to handle things, as I just can't go back.

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Have you considered a return to couples counseling?
I've talked about it with her, but she says it was too much on her: therapy, couples therapy etc

 

Also, we wanted to try some new things (were taking dance and Russian classes together, which I think are also helping us improve our social) and we just don't have the time.

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@Lester: I'll look up for the book, thanks for the suggestion!

Are you from different cultural/religious backgrounds?
Not really, no. I guess I'm a little more open to spirituality than her, but neither of us is religious, neither is our families. We also have similar backgrounds, having studied on the same school and grown in the same environments.

 

She is Asian, though; I'm not.

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There be more of an unspoken, unacknowledged cultural gradient than either of you are willing to admit or able to see. No matter how seemingly similar or assimilated anyone is, when it comes to marriage, communication, genders, etc. things may go way back into values/traditions that most of us may not even be aware of at play.

She is Asian, I'm not.

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There be more of an unspoken, unacknowledged cultural gradient than either of you are willing to admit or able to see. No matter how seemingly similar or assimilated anyone is, when it comes to marriage, communication, genders, etc. things may go way back into values/traditions that most of us may not even be aware of at play.
I was reticent to mention this, because, on our experience traveling abroad, people from other countries tend to understand this cultural issue differently from most people here in Brazil, or at least in São Paulo.

 

Her closest relative who was born in Japan was her grand-grandmother, with whom she didn't have contact — neither could she, as she doesn't speak Japanese. No one in her family has ever been to the country etc. Indeed, she falls very far from what I suppose would be the stereotypical Japanese woman: she's really assertive and dominant (rude, sometimes).

 

Surely, the fact that her family originally comes from there has an impact on her and on her formation. I don't mean to imply it doesn't. But I sincerely can't see how this could relate to the fact that I feel dissatisfied with our relationship.

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Most people have a difficult time with marriage. Your situation is not unusual.

 

You said you're open spiritually. From a spiritual perspective, your soul is seeking a love that is completely free, limitless and unconditional. That is the nature of your soul. Your soul does not want to be bound by this contract of marriage, a contract which completely restricts your freedom. I think this is the source of your dissatisfaction.

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Too much comfort can sometimes feel claustrophobic and boring. Without real challenge to stretch out your legs, I'm not surprised you are quietly miserable.

It seems to me you've both engineered your lives with comfort as the highest priority. Even in describing your unhappiness, you prelude it with ' we have these comfortable lives yet I'm still not happy'.

Then add to that, the sex not ever being exciting for you, yet you stayed with her and married her. You chose to forgo living on your own, to move in with her. Stifling!

 

If it's excitement missing , Russian classes with her might not cut it. Maybe you need to take a real risk on something that really gets your heart beating just for you. And no, I don't mean another woman. That's same comfort zone of falling back on others you are used to .

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