Confused, ashamed, and heartbroken

I’m a 19 year old female. My ex is 20 year old male. We were in a long distance relationship for 11 months and he was my first boyfriend/ first love. He has had relationships before so he had experience but this was my first go around so (spoiler alert) I didn’t handle things the best way.

During our relationship, we started out fine but then I started getting extremely jealous and overprotective over him. The jealousy and superstition of me always fearing he would leave me got so bad to the point of me abusing him. He endured my verbal and emotional abuse every single day for months. We both were extremely attached to each other to the point where we were FaceTiming every second of everyday and never leaving our rooms to hang out with friends. Sometimes when he would try to go out I parties I would throw temper tantrums and get extremely upset. It got so bad to the point where I started a fight literally everyday over me being upset at something he did because I read too much into things.

Fast forward to December when I went to go visit him, we got into a big fight because I invaded his privacy and searched his phone and found old messages of him flirting with a girl. I lost my temper and physically abused him that night. I pushed, punched, and kicked him out of anger.

The day after I was filled with so much guilt and shame I told him honestly that I understand if he needs to leave me because if the roles were reversed he could be caught into some legal trouble and I didn’t want him to feel like I was getting let off easy. I wanted him to know I would let him leave if he ever felt uncomfortable continuing our relationship.

But he assured me he doesn’t want to leave. But the mistake we made was continuing like nothing ever happened.

Things didn’t feel right and he seemed off so before I left to go home from the trip I offered we take a break for 2 weeks and do no contact so we can take a break from each other and get our lives situated. He agreed and we went our separate ways.

Until I started panicking and I was constantly calling and texting him throughout the break. He got extremely irritated and told me he needed space but all that did was scare me even more and I kept smothering him.

He finally broke up with me on New Year’s Day after we had a fight about a party he threw at his apartment. He told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore because I am obsessive, possessive, and I can’t handle being on my own. He said he didn’t want to be with me in the future and although it hurt I accepted it. I wasn’t going to beg after hearing those words from his mouth.

So for two days I left him alone and he texted me saying he missed me. We talked on the phone and he said he loves me and he will come back to me but right now he just has to make himself happy because he is depressed and stressed about his life (he has a lot going on in his life that he is stressed about other than us). He told me that he knows God will bring us back together and that he knows I’m his soulmate. He said he would always stay faithful to me and he didn’t want to have sex with anyone else.

Him telling me these things gave me false hope. So for the entire break up (from New Year’s Day up until now) I’ve contacted him once a week still begging and being pathetic. He then started saying things like this is the reason he broke up with me. And then he started saying now he doesn’t know what the future holds.

Seeing how I’ve been stressing him out even more I finally decided to leave him alone and block his number. It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve talked to him and I started getting more stable but now I’m facing the extreme guilt and shame from the abuse I did during the relationship. I started getting help and going to interventions for abusers and was told that accountability was an important step towards changing. So I sent him an email taking accountability for my abuse and told him he didn’t need to reply because I don’t want to pressure him into anything else again. He never replied to my email and now I’m just filled with so much shame at how I’ve acted in the past. My guilt is taking over my life and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Not sure if anyone has experience in leaving an abusive relationship but I would like to hear advice on what he’s going through and if I smothered him more with the email? I’m going to give him space but is there anything else I can do?

Keep going to your sessions, look into personal therapy, forgive yourself as you recover from your current nature and above all... leave him alone. You have apologized and there is nothing else for you to do but work on yourself so that you don't repeat in the future. Time will help you with your guilt as will the knowledge that you are working with professionals to help you with your issues.

I recommend that you Keep your romantic relationships to only dating men nearby once you have learned how to control your jealousy and anger.

Good luck going forth.

I left an abusive relationship a few years ago.

Like you, he would explode in anger at me if I wasn't available to him when he called. He'd hurl all sorts of baseless accusations at me. He also wanted me to leave Skype on all the time so he could "check in" with me (which I refused to do) and he would call my cell and hang up just to see if I'd answer. If I took "too long", he'd call back repeatedly. I felt so drained and smothered and, frankly, downright insulted that he thought I was the type of person capable of cheating. It was the least enjoyable relationship I'd ever had.

He was primarily verbally and emotionally abusive, but it did escalate to physical abuse on one occasion. I was already largely losing any interest in continuing to date him, but when he got physical, it was over for good. It isn't easy to leave an abusive partner, even when your logical mind knows it's for the best. You remember that they are not always abusive and there are of course high points (as with nearly any abuser) but eventually you realize that it does not compensate for the toxic behaviour. By that point, I had lost all interest in being with him. He apologized but it was far too late.

This relationship is over now, OP, but please do continue with professional help in understanding why you give yourself permission to abuse. Anger management would also be highly beneficial. You must find ways to cope when you feel upset that do not involve violence of any kind. The chances that you will be able to manage this on your own without any professional guidance are slim; keep attending your therapy. Commit to a program to help you address your anger and extreme insecurity. That is the best thing you can do, regardless of whether or not you ever hear from your ex again.

Sorry to hear this. Make an appt with a doctor for a checkup to explore any physical reasons for your raging outbursts and also get a referral to a therapist. You're lucky you weren't arrested or get a restraining order slapped on you. Don't kid yourself that women don't get arrested for assault/partner violence. You need help, not a relationship.

I lost my temper and physically abused him that night. I pushed, punched, and kicked him out of anger.

First off I want to applaud you for going to your session. That is huge. I think that is a big step in the right direction. Long Distance Relationships although I have never been in one I have heard are extremely difficult and from your post you surely have shown that. I am sorry you had to suffer through all that misery for that time of your life, but I think you are on the road to recovery with your therapy sessions. The one thing is you cannot him keep this relationship hanging by breaking up and blocking you and then saying stuff like I am not sure what the future holds for us. It is over and done. You need to put that in your mind and move forward with your life. There are bigger and better things ahead for you.

Thank you for this advice. Im ashamed to say I freaked out yesterday and tried to contact him and he ignored so now I’m going to let go and focus on making myself healthy. It hurts to feel rejected but I know now that we both deserve to be happy separately. It’s hard to stick to but I’m hopeful.