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Thread: Dry Spell

  1. #1

    Dry Spell

    I recently realized I'm bigender. I was born female, but feel I should have been a male, but a male who is attracted to both sexes and likes to cross dress. When I still thought I was bisexual or a lesbian, I had very little trouble finding men and women to hook up with. Now, that I'm bigender, though, and looking for an actual relationship, I'm either invisible to most women, which is who I want to be in a relationship with most, or there are some that say they want to meet in online dating but never message me and I can't see 'Meet Me', or we start conversations but they go nowhere. I'm looking for an actual relationship, but I'm also very sexually frustrated now, since I'm being treated mostly like a joke, and like I said, although I've been with women when I thought I was a lesbian, I'm a virgin when it comes to being with them as a man. My last sort of relationship was with a guy a year ago, who claimed he was bisexual, but then sort of manipulated me into having straight sex with him and then that's all he wanted after. Where is a good place to find someone that wants to stay long term, while also seeing sex as the natural function that it is? A lot of women get on the defensive when you start talking about sex, probably because our society has become so focused on just hooking up and so they're afraid of getting hurt. But I'm not the type.

  2. #2
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    I will admit that I had never heard of the term ďbigenderĒ before your post... I definitely had to google it. And if Iím really honest, I canít quite wrap my head around everything you just said. Soooo - feel free to take my advice with a big olí grain of salt... My comments and observations are more about online dating and society in general.

    In todayís world of instant gratification and swipe left/right mentality, I think that online dating as a tool is generally best suited to those who most closely resemble societal norms and ideals. Basically, with so many people to choose from, most people take no more than a few moments to determine if you are what they are looking for. They are mostly looking for: straight/gay, cisgendered, good looking, fit, able-bodied, employed in a lucrative mainstream career with minimal baggage. The further you deviate from that in any way, the less useful online dating is as a tool for you.

    In no way am I saying that you should try to mould yourself into that... Iím just saying that if you are going to use the tool, you need to be aware of itís limitations. People simply donít want to take the time to get to know people for the awesomeness that they are of itís not immediately clear and obvious that itís a match. Basically, they donít want to think about it.

    Luckily, real life isnít like that. In real life, meeting people who are maybe a bit different is both cool and fascinating.

    My opinion and advice is to go out into the world and do stuff. Sign up for some classes. Join some groups. Sign up to a sports team or volunteer thing. Go to some meetup groups, etc. Basically - get out there, meet people, be friendly, follow your passions, make friends. All of these things are naturally attractive and draw people to you.

    You can still use online dating as a tool - but give it itís appropriate place in your life based on itís limitations.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd suggest you keep it very simple when you're dating. I had somewhat of a rude awakening also in my twenties. Not even the people you think would be more aware, supportive or educated about gender (their own gender or community) will understand gender norms or politics. If you truly are looking for love and not a platform for debate, keep it simple and spend time with the person you love or the people you like. In the end, people want to feel like you see them for what they really are: not the box that you're looking to fit them into just because you identify as something and they must be it. See people for what they really are (the soul underneath) and listen to what they're telling you about their lives, families and their interests. You'll find the one you're meant to be with without all the white noise.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like your last relationship was confusing and hurtful, but no one can "manipulate you into sex". Did he lead you on? Who broke it off? Until you know what you want people are going to be confused because you're confused. There are plenty of LGBT dating apps you could try as well as many LGBT groups and support communities.
    Originally Posted by bigenderme
    I had very little trouble finding men and women to hook up with.
    I'm either invisible to most women, which is who I want to be in a relationship
    I've been with women when I thought I was a lesbian
    My last sort of relationship was with a guy a year ago, who claimed he was bisexual, but then sort of manipulated me into having straight sex with him

  5.  

  6. 03-17-2019, 05:48 AM
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  7. #5
    Originally Posted by RedDress
    I will admit that I had never heard of the term ďbigenderĒ before your post... I definitely had to google it. And if Iím really honest, I canít quite wrap my head around everything you just said. Soooo - feel free to take my advice with a big olí grain of salt... My comments and observations are more about online dating and society in general.

    In todayís world of instant gratification and swipe left/right mentality, I think that online dating as a tool is generally best suited to those who most closely resemble societal norms and ideals. Basically, with so many people to choose from, most people take no more than a few moments to determine if you are what they are looking for. They are mostly looking for: straight/gay, cisgendered, good looking, fit, able-bodied, employed in a lucrative mainstream career with minimal baggage. The further you deviate from that in any way, the less useful online dating is as a tool for you.

    In no way am I saying that you should try to mould yourself into that... Iím just saying that if you are going to use the tool, you need to be aware of itís limitations. People simply donít want to take the time to get to know people for the awesomeness that they are of itís not immediately clear and obvious that itís a match. Basically, they donít want to think about it.

    Luckily, real life isnít like that. In real life, meeting people who are maybe a bit different is both cool and fascinating.

    My opinion and advice is to go out into the world and do stuff. Sign up for some classes. Join some groups. Sign up to a sports team or volunteer thing. Go to some meetup groups, etc. Basically - get out there, meet people, be friendly, follow your passions, make friends. All of these things are naturally attractive and draw people to you.

    You can still use online dating as a tool - but give it itís appropriate place in your life based on itís limitations.
    I've done this before. I volunteered at a homeless shelter. The only friend I met there was a mentally disabled guy, who was a virgin and wanted me to take his virginity. Not being straight and not just wanting to have sex, I declined. Then, I attended Al-Anon, and met a girl my age, but the only thing we had in common was the fathers of our children went to the same rehab. She would give me rides, and then stopped attending that meeting, and went to another. And I met an older lady that I got really close with, and she revealed to me that she wasn't entirely straight, but didn't seem interested in entering into another relationship with anyone. She has a lot of health problems, so maybe that's why and she's had bad experiences in the past, but we still keep in touch, anyway.

    Got accepted to a university Fashion course. Developed a crush on one of my female friends there. Even though she expressed entertaining the thought of having a threesome with a boyfriend she had in the past, she just said she was flattered but not interested. Then, once I started university as a mature student for Creative Writing, I tried joining the LGBT community, as well as the acting society. Only three people showed up to bowling with the LGBT, and they didn't schedule anything after that. One was a bisexual girl who already had a boyfriend. The other a bisexual guy, and then a Japanese girl who couldn't speak English very well and was just there to show support for a friend who is transgender. Made friends in acting, but they seemed straight and one was a lesbian, and didn't hang out with them much outside of acting, 'cause they're drinkers and I'm not. Plus, I haven't actually come out as my true, bigender self to very many people, because I don't feel like I'll be taken seriously, or thought of as mental or something. I met a girl from Germany in my Creative Writing class, who was gender fluid(we came out to each other), but then she moved to India and back to Germany.

    As far as eventually having sex with these females after men on dating sites, though, the actual feel of the act would be the same for them, except that it's made of rubber, lol! Maybe they aren't attracted to me, because I don't have facial hair and bulging muscles and stuff, though? I have also heard that everybody is a little pansexual deep down, so I don't get how they can't just accept someone as a person, rather than a gender. I don't know what kind of other groups to try, or places to go in public. Any suggestions?

  8. #6
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like your last relationship was confusing and hurtful, but no one can "manipulate you into sex". Did he lead you on? Who broke it off? Until you know what you want people are going to be confused because you're confused. There are plenty of LGBT dating apps you could try as well as many LGBT groups and support communities.
    You'd be surprised actually how someone can manipulate you into having sex. I really liked him as a male to the point that it was probably bordering on soulmate(we still keep in touch) But, since he's not completely gay, he still craved straight sex from females, even after we went out to dinner and played video games and I pegged him. So he started talking to and went out on a date with this other girl behind my back, after we'd been dating. I found out about it through Facebook, not from him. And because I wanted to hang on to him, and it had been seven years since I had been with a male in that way, and transgender people still feel the same physical urges as their gender at birth, I thought this would stop him from seeing anybody else. But, yes, it was terrible, because I had my first orgasm with him but as a female as I'm preop, so there was a disconnect between my brain and body when this happened. So it felt like rape basically.

  9. #7
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'd suggest you keep it very simple when you're dating. I had somewhat of a rude awakening also in my twenties. Not even the people you think would be more aware, supportive or educated about gender (their own gender or community) will understand gender norms or politics. If you truly are looking for love and not a platform for debate, keep it simple and spend time with the person you love or the people you like. In the end, people want to feel like you see them for what they really are: not the box that you're looking to fit them into just because you identify as something and they must be it. See people for what they really are (the soul underneath) and listen to what they're telling you about their lives, families and their interests. You'll find the one you're meant to be with without all the white noise.
    This is a good idea, but how will I know that this person will be of the open minded variety, before I start to invest my time in listening to their life story/interests, so that it's not a huge let down and I'm the only one developing romantic feelings? And where do I find someone like this?

  10. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How old are your children? Homeless shelters, substance support groups, etc are not good places to meet people. People need anonymity and dignity in those settings, not sexual passes. You may want to get to know people better in other types of social settings and let them get to know you better as "a person". If you are scoping out these sexuality issues too early and too randomly people won't be able to get to know you, no less accept you, as "a person", when you lead in so soon with all sorts of sexual come ons.

    It doesn't matter how you identify or who you approach, coming on too strong and too soon sexually is a universal turnoff. Stop hitting on random people and start letting them get to know you as "a person". Only when you know them a bit and they know you a bit can you determine if someone would be a good fit for you sexually.

    People are not there as your experiments. They have their own feelings, just as you do...as "a person". Perhaps start seeing others "as people" rather than sexual possibilities and that may help. . Also an LGBT friendly therapist could help you navigate the dating world, loneliness and other issues unique to non traditional identities and dating.
    Originally Posted by bigenderme
    I attended Al-Anon, and met a girl my age, but the only thing we had in common was the fathers of our children went to the same rehab.
    I don't get how they can't just accept someone as a person, rather than a gender.

  11. #9
    Forum Supporter Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bigenderme
    As far as eventually having sex with these females after men on dating sites, though, the actual feel of the act would be the same for them, except that it's made of rubber, lol!
    You can't speak for other people or what they will feel or should feel. That's disrespectful to them.

    Originally Posted by bigenderme
    Maybe they aren't attracted to me, because I don't have facial hair and bulging muscles and stuff, though? I have also heard that everybody is a little pansexual deep down, so I don't get how they can't just accept someone as a person, rather than a gender. I don't know what kind of other groups to try, or places to go in public. Any suggestions?
    It's the same reason why you prefer women to men. Why can you have your preferences, but they can't have theirs?

    Originally Posted by bigenderme
    I'm being treated mostly like a joke
    When you are on dating apps, do you present yourself as a man looking for women?

  12. #10
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    How old are your children? Homeless shelters, substance support groups, etc are not good places to meet people. People need anonymity and dignity in those settings, not sexual passes. You may want to get to know people better in other types of social settings and let them get to know you better as "a person". If you are scoping out these sexuality issues too early and too randomly people won't be able to get to know you, no less accept you, as "a person", when you lead in so soon with all sorts of sexual come ons.

    It doesn't matter how you identify or who you approach, coming on too strong and too soon sexually is a universal turnoff. Stop hitting on random people and start letting them get to know you as "a person". Only when you know them a bit and they know you a bit can you determine if someone would be a good fit for you sexually.

    People are not there as your experiments. They have their own feelings, just as you do...as "a person". Perhaps start seeing others "as people" rather than sexual possibilities and that may help. . Also an LGBT friendly therapist could help you navigate the dating world, loneliness and other issues unique to non traditional identities and dating.
    I have an eleven year old, and I'm pregnant. What sorts of other social settings? I've only "hit on" that one friend from Fashion actually and a girl I met at the airport, and that wasn't really sexual. The Fashion student was actually more touchy feely with me than I her, after she'd had a few drinks, which is why I was open about my feelings. But, yeah, I didn't see just sex with either of them. I thought you were supposed to be clear about your feelings for someone, so it would allow you to get to know each other in terms of eventually pursuing a relationship with that person, otherwise you run the risk of it remaining platonic or them misinterpreting it as platonic? I do see them as people, but I don't understand why sex can't be woven in there, as well. I guess, those that use people strictly for that purpose and then promptly discard them have ruined it for people that express themselves on a more physical than verbal level, while still able to be fiercely loyal. I would be fine with stopping to get to know a handful of people to find out if we'd be compatible, too, if it hadn't been such a long time for me. Plus, everywhere I go, I see people in relationships, or over hear people having sex. Self servicing just isn't cutting it anymore, haha! Yet I feel empty after hook ups. Plus, since I came out as bigender, even on hook up sites, all I've encountered are games. So I can't even release my frustrations physically, so I can maybe think clearly enough again to get to know someone slowly.

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