together 20 years and now that our only son has left we can't get along

My boyfriend and I are both 36 and our son just left a few months ago for university abroad in eastern Europe where his GF and son live..

We have been together for 20 years and we have been honestly planning this moment for a long time. The moment the kids leave the house and you can walk around naked so to speak . instead what has happened is that i caught a bug sadly and my boyfriend could not sign off on a document because he was not next of kin

After my father signed the paperwork and i got treated , i felt that we needed some legal protection in cases where health and property were involved. Without letting me finish he said we are not getting anything done that ties us together legally.

Currently I own the house we live in and he pays rent for extra car garage where he keeps his hunting equipment for his company. he rents from me because for years he refused to be on the deed. Instead he wanted a tenants agreement and i went along with it , the same story for bank accounts health insurance etc etc . The mortgage is paid off and he still pays rent for garage equal to half the bills before the mortgage was paid off. I explained to him that he doesn't need to pay that amount anymore and he shrugs it off and says take a day to the spa and treat yourself.

ignoring the entire point i am trying the make, every conversation happens like this he just ignores what i am saying and responds either in general or besides the point. When we sit down and talk calmly he says we have been living a certain way for X amount of years and if you are not happy then we should maybe take separate paths.

I have talked to him about how all this is making me feel and now that our son just left i want to spend more time together but also plan for the unplanned like sickness etc . He just keeps repeating the same thing , things were good before lets keep things that way . He was never like this , he is a great father and lover and just feel like i am in a house with a man i don't know anymore

For years i went along with everything from owning the house alone despite the fact that I wanted to own it together to getting married which i also ended up forgetting about after 15 years of him saying i don't want to get married.

advice would be greatly appreciated

After 20 years of not wanting to get married, why would you think he'd want it now?

Do you have a will? If something were to happen to you, who would get the house? Who would get your savings, car, etc?

Well, no, he is not a different man he is the same man. He didn’t change like you thought he might. Never never never get into a relationship thinking someone will change. You just notice it more because you are no longer distracted by caring for your child.

I think you will just have to understand he’s not going to marry you he’s not going to make legal commitments and that’s it. Then you will have to decide if you’re happy with that or not .

everything goes to our son , we have no legal or financial ties , maybe i notice it more because our son left

It sounds like you got pregnant very young. Could it be that he felt trapped by this and this is his way of retaining control? Could it be resentment from having had to take on responsibility at such a young age so now he doesn't want any more responsibility? Regardless, this is who he is and it's highly unlikely that he will change. It's on you to decide whether you can live with it.

It sounds like you got pregnant very young. Could it be that he felt trapped by this and this is his way of retaining control? Could it be resentment from having had to take on responsibility at such a young age so now he doesn't want any more responsibility? Regardless, this is who he is and it's highly unlikely that he will change. It's on you to decide whether you can live with it.

his parents have no financial or legal ties and he prefers it that way. In the beginning of the relationship when we were 16 we just teens and i went along with whatever. As i age i am starting to feel some type of way

Unfortunately, and this is by no means an attempt to beat you up, but you should never have agreed to this arrangement in the first place. After about 1-2 years of dating, if both people aren't on the same page regarding their future, i.e. marriage, finances, etc., it's time to part ways. You've let this go on for 20 years, and you've made your bed, so to speak.

Again, I'm not trying to harp on this, as you made this decision years ago, and you kept making this decision every day, while he was a great lover, he was probably fun to be with, and all that.

As Seraphim said, he's not a different man, he's the same man. You're the one who has changed. You now want/need him to be tied to you in some legal manner, but he's saying no, we've been this way for 20 years, if you don't like it, I'll leave.

This is where you get to make a choice: stay with this man forever, basically as roommates who have sex, or leave the relationship and leave yourself open to finding love with someone who wants marriage. You can't change this man into one who wants to be married. He simply doesn't.

The fact that he continues to pay rent, long after the mortgage has been paid, and after you've told him he doesn't need to, tells me one thing: He likes the financial distance. It sets him apart from you, creating this financial and legal barrier. As long as he has that barrier, he feels safe from any deeper ties.

I'm sorry you're going through this now. Sounds like you both put forth so much energy on raising your son, that these issues might have been buried, but are now coming to the surface.

My boyfriend and I are both 36 and our son just left a few months ago for university abroad in eastern Europe where his GF and son live..

 

We have been together for 20 years and we have been honestly planning this moment for a long time. The moment the kids leave the house and you can walk around naked so to speak . instead what has happened is that i caught a bug sadly and my boyfriend could not sign off on a document because he was not next of kin

 

After my father signed the paperwork and i got treated , i felt that we needed some legal protection in cases where health and property were involved. Without letting me finish he said we are not getting anything done that ties us together legally.

 

Currently I own the house we live in and he pays rent for extra car garage where he keeps his hunting equipment for his company. he rents from me because for years he refused to be on the deed. Instead he wanted a tenants agreement and i went along with it , the same story for bank accounts health insurance etc etc . The mortgage is paid off and he still pays rent for garage equal to half the bills before the mortgage was paid off. I explained to him that he doesn't need to pay that amount anymore and he shrugs it off and says take a day to the spa and treat yourself.

 

ignoring the entire point i am trying the make, every conversation happens like this he just ignores what i am saying and responds either in general or besides the point. When we sit down and talk calmly he says we have been living a certain way for X amount of years and if you are not happy then we should maybe take separate paths.

 

I have talked to him about how all this is making me feel and now that our son just left i want to spend more time together but also plan for the unplanned like sickness etc . He just keeps repeating the same thing , things were good before lets keep things that way . He was never like this , he is a great father and lover and just feel like i am in a house with a man i don't know anymore

 

For years i went along with everything from owning the house alone despite the fact that I wanted to own it together to getting married which i also ended up forgetting about after 15 years of him saying i don't want to get married.

 

advice would be greatly appreciated

He's laid it out. Either you adjust or you leave. Time to accept it if you want to continue on with him and if your son is of legal age then put him on the deed, on your bank accounts on your health and financial power of attorney. Leave your partner out of it all.

Go to a lawyer and get it all ironed out.

"if you are not happy then we should maybe take separate paths." Wow. That seems like a really flippant statement. Instead of caring that you're upset, he's okay with you parting ways. It sounds like a total emotional disconnect. It's reasonable to want your lifetime partner to have the say-so in medical matters when needed, and to have rights to see you in the hospital.

Does he take good care of you when you're sick? Does he run to help you if your car breaks down? Does he compliment your looks? Does he make you feel special on your birthday or at any other times? Does he pick up stuff you need at the store? Does he do his share of household chores? Does he treat you to date nights?

I'm assuming you've been together since age 16 and you never had dating experiences to figure out who was right for you and who wasn't. Perhaps you don't know what a great lifetime partner can be because he's all you've ever known.

In your shoes, I'd probably ask him to attend couples counseling with you, because you haven't been able to make a dent on your own. If he refuses or nothing changes with counseling, ask yourself if you're settling and then maybe it is a good idea to walk away from something that's not satisfying. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Unfortunately, and this is by no means an attempt to beat you up, but you should never have agreed to this arrangement in the first place. After about 1-2 years of dating, if both people aren't on the same page regarding their future, i.e. marriage, finances, etc., it's time to part ways. You've let this go on for 20 years, and you've made your bed, so to speak.

 

Again, I'm not trying to harp on this, as you made this decision years ago, and you kept making this decision every day, while he was a great lover, he was probably fun to be with, and all that.

 

As Seraphim said, he's not a different man, he's the same man. You're the one who has changed. You now want/need him to be tied to you in some legal manner, but he's saying no, we've been this way for 20 years, if you don't like it, I'll leave.

 

This is where you get to make a choice: stay with this man forever, basically as roommates who have sex, or leave the relationship and leave yourself open to finding love with someone who wants marriage. You can't change this man into one who wants to be married. He simply doesn't.

 

The fact that he continues to pay rent, long after the mortgage has been paid, and after you've told him he doesn't need to, tells me one thing: He likes the financial distance. It sets him apart from you, creating this financial and legal barrier. As long as he has that barrier, he feels safe from any deeper ties.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this now. Sounds like you both put forth so much energy on raising your son, that these issues might have been buried, but are now coming to the surface.

I am hesitant for good reason , i am not afraid of being alone or starting all over . I love him and he loves me but now that its crunch time i don't know if marriage is a deal breaker or not.

Could he become my next of kin and make health decisions for me without it affecting him ?

If anything that bothered me the most because it involved my parents in something i felt i could have handled with my partner.

its just a very difficult decision to make after living with and having a kid with someone for 20 years

The only thing i know he will budge on is becoming a next of kin because he felt very distressed when i caught staph infection he was asked to sign and couldn't .

I have to do some deep soul searching if that enough for me .

The only positive note is that if we do decide to split that its about as clean as a split could be .

He's laid it out. Either you adjust or you leave. Time to accept it if you want to continue on with him and if your son is of legal age then put him on the deed, on your bank accounts on your health and financial power of attorney. Leave your partner out of it all.

Go to a lawyer and get it all ironed out.

Currently everything is name of our son my boyfriend has the same for all his assets

"if you are not happy then we should maybe take separate paths." Wow. That seems like a really flippant statement. Instead of caring that you're upset, he's okay with you parting ways. It sounds like a total emotional disconnect. It's reasonable to want your lifetime partner to have the say-so in medical matters when needed, and to have rights to see you in the hospital.

 

Does he take good care of you when you're sick? Does he run to help you if your car breaks down? Does he compliment your looks? Does he make you feel special on your birthday or at any other times? Does he pick up stuff you need at the store? Does he do his share of household chores? Does he treat you to date nights?.

I think he said a lot that evening out of frustration and out of the fact that his refusal to put a signature on a legal document . In terms of us a couple then i can honestly say that he is great partner. He does all the housework because he mostly works from home and he treats me like a princess. 20 years in this relationship and I still go to dinner or a movie or a spontaneous weekend trip to Rome . I don't doubt that he loves me and certainly don't doubt that he is in love with me because the way he treats me is unique ,

I was in a accident 7 years ago and couldn't walk for 24 weeks he had to clean me after visiting the toilet and he did so and never complained. He left his job because they wouldn't give him time off . He has treated me with more respect than i could ever ask a man to give me. He was my rock when i thought i would never walk again

"

I'm assuming you've been together since age 16 and you never had dating experiences to figure out who was right for you and who wasn't. Perhaps you don't know what a great lifetime partner can be because he's all you've ever known.

 

In your shoes, I'd probably ask him to attend couples counseling with you, because you haven't been able to make a dent on your own. If he refuses or nothing changes with counseling, ask yourself if you're settling and then maybe it is a good idea to walk away from something that's not satisfying. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I think we should look into counseling

I was in a accident 7 years ago and couldn't walk for 24 weeks he had to clean me after visiting the toilet and he did so and never complained. He left his job because they wouldn't give him time off . He has treated me with more respect than i could ever ask a man to give me. He was my rock when i thought i would never walk again

 

I think we should look into counseling

So he literally wiped your a** for 24 weeks, but he won't sign a paper binding himself to you legally.

That right there, tells you all you need to know: This man will never, I repeat never, want to be bound to you legally. No amount of counseling will change him.

I think seeing a counselor would be terrific for you though.....to help you figure out why you have allowed, even encouraged, this arrangement.

Currently everything is name of our son my boyfriend has the same for all his assets

So he literally wiped your a** for 24 weeks, but he won't sign a paper binding himself to you legally.

 

That right there, tells you all you need to know: This man will never, I repeat never, want to be bound to you legally. No amount of counseling will change him.

 

I think seeing a counselor would be terrific for you though.....to help you figure out why you have allowed, even encouraged, this arrangement.

he's just looked over my shoulder to see whats keeping me glued to the laptop .

your comment made him both laugh and decide to get a legal document signed .

you are my hero thanks

I think he said a lot that evening out of frustration and out of the fact that his refusal to put a signature on a legal document . In terms of us a couple then i can honestly say that he is great partner. He does all the housework because he mostly works from home and he treats me like a princess. 20 years in this relationship and I still go to dinner or a movie or a spontaneous weekend trip to Rome . I don't doubt that he loves me and certainly don't doubt that he is in love with me because the way he treats me is unique ,

 

I was in a accident 7 years ago and couldn't walk for 24 weeks he had to clean me after visiting the toilet and he did so and never complained. He left his job because they wouldn't give him time off . He has treated me with more respect than i could ever ask a man to give me. He was my rock when i thought i would never walk again

If this is true, then don't get caught up in paper work. You are by every standard, a married couple. He treats you well. You're lucky to have what you have,

Making it legal in the eyes of a court will not make your love mean more or have him love you more.

At the end of the day, it really is just a piece of paper.

Be happy for what you have together. Even some married couples don't have as good of a relationship as you two do.

Things don't have to be legal for your love to be real so don't focus on that.

If it makes you feel any better, maybe discuss wearing matching rings as a symbol of your unification. But don't lose a good thing over legalities.

He decide to get a legal document signed .

 

he's just looked over my shoulder to see whats keeping me glued to the laptop .

 

your comment made him both laugh and decide to get a legal document signed .

 

you are my hero thanks

Seriously? Wow! Normally, I don't recommend reading these posts to one's SO, but in your case, perhaps this drove him to make a decision that will benefit you both.

Keep us posted!

Thank god you did not put him on the deed, or have joint accounts. Not good when you are not married. I hope you have a trust, or at the very least a will?

If you wanted a legally committed guy, then why did you stay with him?

I am hesitant for good reason , i am not afraid of being alone or starting all over . I love him and he loves me but now that its crunch time i don't know if marriage is a deal breaker or not.

Could he become my next of kin and make health decisions for me without it affecting him ?

If anything that bothered me the most because it involved my parents in something i felt i could have handled with my partner.

 

its just a very difficult decision to make after living with and having a kid with someone for 20 years

The only thing i know he will budge on is becoming a next of kin because he felt very distressed when i caught staph infection he was asked to sign and couldn't .

 

I have to do some deep soul searching if that enough for me .

 

The only positive note is that if we do decide to split that its about as clean as a split could be .

You can get a health proxy. I have one, and have named two of my friends in case of emergency.

Love the name by the way..it gave me a chuckle. I am picturing someone drawing in their eyebrows with a Sharpie.

Love the name by the way..it gave me a chuckle. I am picturing someone drawing in their eyebrows with a Sharpie.

it happens to be my nickname ever since my foster family shaved em off as a punishment . thank god for my inlaws allowing me to live with them .

Your son is your legal next of kin and would inherit everything if you don't have a will, so keep it that way and don't get married. Simply talk to an attorney about your living situation, finances, wills/estates, health care proxies etc. You can also name an attorney or trusted other relative an an executor. You can name anyone you want as a beneficiary for anything as well. You have a fantastic deal owing everything outright and he's just a tenant. You have compete financial and legal advantage. Why mess it up? Make sure you talk to a financial planner and plan your retirement and finances well.

it happens to be my nickname ever since my foster family shaved em off as a punishment . thank god for my inlaws allowing me to live with them

My god! I am so sorry. I didn't mean anything by it, I thought it was a joke but didn't realize. I am so sorry you went through that.

My god! I am so sorry. I didn't mean anything by it, I thought it was a joke but didn't realize. I am so sorry you went through that.

yh i know its a nickname that stuck i actually like it

Your son is your legal next of kin and would inherit everything if you don't have a will, so keep it that way and don't get married. Simply talk to an attorney about your living situation, finances, wills/estates, health care proxies etc. You can also name an attorney or trusted other relative an an executor. You can name anyone you want as a beneficiary for anything as well. You have a fantastic deal owing everything outright and he's just a tenant. You have compete financial and legal advantage. Why mess it up? Make sure you talk to a financial planner and plan your retirement and finances well.

This is exactly how my boyfriend thinks and he happens to have been in finance before he quit his job to take care of me. We have separate financial planners , savings , retirement etc

He out earns me 5-1 and he owns his own house in sunny Brazil . We don't have money issues never had those to be honest .

My boyfriend and I have separate wills , both will have our son as the sole inheritor of our assets .