We've become room mates with my girlfriend, what to do?

So the situation is this: i'm a 24 years old male and my girlfriend is 23. We started communicating when i messaged her back in 2015. I was having some insecurities about my situation at school atm and wanted to talk to someone who was having same problems related to social anxiety. I didn't know anything about her at first, but started slowly getting a better picture of her as we started chatting daily. Then we started sending pictures of ourselves to each other and make video calls and such, that's started to fall in love with her, such beautifull and good minded young girl so what's not to love. Early 2016 we saw in person for the first time and were so in love.

Then we started visiting each other regularly, and our relationship grew stronger. She had put a bit weigh in the year we had known but that didn't bother me at the time. Then came summer 2016 that we spend together and i started seeing some bad signs. She started to show signs of her temper and overall laziness. She would just ignite from sudden random things and the be mad at me. And our different lifestyles came also clear that summer. I like to do sports all the time and eat healthy. So when i woke up at 8am to go for a bike ride she continued to sleep till 11am when we had lunch. When i ate healthy she stuffed herself with sandwhiches and sugar. Didn't really bother me still at the time we were in love and i liked her anyway. Then a year wen't by and we continued to visit eachother and finished our schools. The only bigger "fight" we had that year was when i mentioned her she could maybe start a healthier lifestyle, now as she was starting to hit 150 pounds at 5'8". Well that started a biblical storm which we survived kinda. Then in the summer of 2017 i had a job 200miles away for a year before starting my material engineering studies. Continuing long distance relationship was hard because my girlfriend had gotten very clingy, and wanted to message me all around the clock. And when i didn't message she got mad because what could be more important to me than to message to her? Well doing sports, gaming and eating because messaging 10 hours a day isn't healthy mentally, or physically for my thumbs. Then once i mentioned that messaging so much everyday isn't exactly the healthies thing to do in a relationship and she explouded and shared the messages i've sent to her with her online friends and they all mocked me and she sent the pictures of those conversations to me. That's when the alarms started really going off.

Well then we finally moved in together in the summer of 2018, and made reality of the dream we both had about owning a dog and got the cutest dog ever. Then we started studying at the university, i got friends and wen't to parties while she made maybe one friend and stayed home every day after school and guilted me from partying when i didn't even stay out for too long, get drunk or cheat on her.

And now where we are at. We still live together, but feel more like roomies than a couple. We have very small amount of physical intimacy (we have had sex about 8 times in the last 1½ years), we don't really do anything together (apart from walking the dog few times a week together) and don't have much in common in general at this point of our lives. I'm an athletic guy who likes to get up early in the morning, go for runs and work hard to maintaing my car and hobbies. She's a lazy couch potato who likes to wake up at 11am, and stay in bed the whole day. She has no hobbies, no interests, she doesn't go out with friends and doesn't wan't to do anything with me no matter was it bowling, going swimming or biking. She just wants to live the most safe and comfortable life as possible, and it's started to show in her appreance. When we met she was this gourgeous 100 pound cute highschool girl. Now she dresses and looks like a 35 year old mother of 10 at 170 pounds and gaining all the time because of the apparent candy addiction and use of mayonnaise, cookies and sodas etc. It has really started to bug me out that i am actually ashamed of her when we go out to public and don't want my friends to see me with her.

She also doesn't compliment me at all when i do it for her quite often. She never compliments me on my looks allthough i work out and like to dress nicely with attention to details. In the other hand i constantly call her sexy and beautiful and try to kiss her if that'll make her confidence go up and motivate her to start to invest on herself but no. She just stays at bed all day and does absolutely nothing but stares at her phone, dresses hideously to hide her weight and acts in such manners that i don't even know what to say. In example, she doesn't use any kind of aids to control her menstruation because they're "uncomfortable". She also doesn't use any underwear because of the same reason and it seems just so unhygienic to me. I've mentioned about these things but she just gets mad at me for interfiering with her life.

So now i've been starting to think should we break up or is she still salvageable? I try to convince myself that she will get out off the ditch and start to take care from herself but now i think it just isn't possible. Also she isn't depressed it's just who she is. I've also started to look at other girls and starting to have feelings for them which makes me feel terrible. For the last 3 months i've just felt so numb from the feeling that i don't feel love towards my girlfriend and wan't to date the "cute sporty girl from mechanics class".

Breaking up from a relationship of over 3 years seems just so radical thing to do at this point when we have a dog and an apartment and everything.

So in summary:

My girlfriend is living the most comfortable life with it showing in her appreance and doesnt challenge herself even the least while i try to develop myself constantly and live life to the fullest and it is making us have nothing in common at all. Also we have 0 physical intimacy which kills me but doesn't bother my girlfriend. Because of those things i've started gaining interest to other girls and been thinking about breaking up, but still care for my girlfriend so much that i don't know what to do.

Basically i still love her to some degree, but would be happy to move on my own even the next day, but am not sure about anything really at this point because i've had such high hopes for this relationship.

Sorry if the text doesn't make any sense, english isn't my native language.

You ignored all the red flags of incompatibility before you moved in together. Hoping someone will change to your expectations is unreasonable. She has the right to be who she is and if that's not good enough for you, let her go so she can meet someone who is crazy about her. People break up all the time and deal with separating households and deciding who gets the pet. Time to do that.

You're not being fair to each other.

It's not ok that she's gained all this weight since you've known her. I know people say you should love someone no matter what weight they are at, but an appearance shouldn't change so much from the time you meet someone. She's gained 70 lbs. in a very short time, which isn't fair to you. If she was at this weight when you met, that would be one thing, but she wasn't, and as politically un-correct as it is to say so, it's not fair for her to assume you'll still be attracted to you.

Her lack of hygiene (and no underwear....eeewww) and her tendency to sleep so much could indicate depression. She could be addicted to sugar/carbs for comfort, for dopamine/serotonin rush. Has she seen a mental health professional?

You're not fair to her, because you knew she was a couch potato. She enjoys laying in bed and watching movies, while you enjoy running and socializing. It's not fair of you to assume she'll enjoy these activities. She never did. This is who she is.

You will either have to accept these vast lifestyle differences, or move on and find someone who enjoys the active, socializing lifestyle that you do, and let her find someone who enjoys the coziness of a life indoors. You are two very different people.

Seems like you've been more interested in keeping the peace and perhaps you're feeling guilty for being repulsed or upset with your girlfriend's habits. She deserves to be with someone who doesn't think so lowly of her but I also think she's dealing with some mental health issues (depression or issues with self-worth). You mentioned she doesn't take aids for menstruation but you may not be aware that she's already taking medications for something else that's ailing her. There's a lot of disconnect between the both of you despite living in the same apartment. I'd be honest with yourself and her and bow out graciously. She's not in a healthy frame of mind (individuals who live or react thew way she does aren't in a good or stable place). Even if you do have differing lifestyles, it is not ok for her to accuse you of cheating. She already senses that your heart isn't in it and that's the beginning of the end. I'm sorry to say that. She may need third party help(professional help or counselling). You should take care of yourself and make sure you don't spiral out of control either.

It is far beyond time to break up.

You two are wildly incompatible and I can't think of a kinder thing to do than wish each other well and part ways.

After ignoring all of the warnings that a healthy person would have walked away from, you now have a bigger list of complaints about things getting worse, not better. So what should that tell you, and what do YOU think you should do?

You ignored all the red flags of incompatibility before you moved in together. Hoping someone will change to your expectations is unreasonable. She has the right to be who she is and if that's not good enough for you, let her go so she can meet someone who is crazy about her. People break up all the time and deal with separating households and deciding who gets the pet. Time to do that.

When i read your message all i could think is how much i agree with you. But at the start of the relationship i was a naiive 19 year old who tought it could be a perfect love story or something. I agree that she deserves someone who adores her for who she is, i just can not force myself to it because the differences are just too big. And yes it is time, but i don't think i have the courage to have "the conversation" so i have maybe a bit subconciously started to act annoyingly against her, and she has threatened few times that she will leave me which makes me feel happy in a weird way. I know, extremely childish way, but i just have so high barrier to make her upset or cry. I've shouted to her only once and never argue because i don't like to have negative feelings towards anyone and because of that this situation is killing me.

You're not being fair to each other.

 

It's not ok that she's gained all this weight since you've known her. I know people say you should love someone no matter what weight they are at, but an appearance shouldn't change so much from the time you meet someone. She's gained 70 lbs. in a very short time, which isn't fair to you. If she was at this weight when you met, that would be one thing, but she wasn't, and as politically un-correct as it is to say so, it's not fair for her to assume you'll still be attracted to you.

 

Her lack of hygiene (and no underwear....eeewww) and her tendency to sleep so much could indicate depression. She could be addicted to sugar/carbs for comfort, for dopamine/serotonin rush. Has she seen a mental health professional?

 

You're not fair to her, because you knew she was a couch potato. She enjoys laying in bed and watching movies, while you enjoy running and socializing. It's not fair of you to assume she'll enjoy these activities. She never did. This is who she is.

 

You will either have to accept these vast lifestyle differences, or move on and find someone who enjoys the active, socializing lifestyle that you do, and let her find someone who enjoys the coziness of a life indoors. You are two very different people.

I agree, and i've thought about it and would still be attracted to her with who she is if she would just dress nicely, go out and do sports. The weight isn't even the main problem but her acting and uninspiring attitude towards life in general.

She has history with depression, but has now cleared out those problems without a therapist because she doesn't want to see one. And yes she clearly eats badly because of that reason. I get the same things from running that she gets from cakes.

Yes that is true. I don't see myself going for a walk with her at my sixties while she has to use walking aids because of diabetes and morbid obesity, because that's where she is heading with her lifestyle and what i wan't is to i.e train for a thriathlon with my SO.

Seems like you've been more interested in keeping the peace and perhaps you're feeling guilty for being repulsed or upset with your girlfriend's habits. She deserves to be with someone who doesn't think so lowly of her but I also think she's dealing with some mental health issues (depression or issues with self-worth). You mentioned she doesn't take aids for menstruation but you may not be aware that she's already taking medications for something else that's ailing her. There's a lot of disconnect between the both of you despite living in the same apartment. I'd be honest with yourself and her and bow out graciously. She's not in a healthy frame of mind (individuals who live or react thew way she does aren't in a good or stable place). Even if you do have differing lifestyles, it is not ok for her to accuse you of cheating. She already senses that your heart isn't in it and that's the beginning of the end. I'm sorry to say that. She may need third party help(professional help or counselling). You should take care of yourself and make sure you don't spiral out of control either.

True, i'm all about peace and avoiding conflicts and that seems to be kind of a burden on a relationship when i can't find myself confronting her how i really feel. I don't think she has any other medication except birth controll pills but what do i know. I agree, she has probably some mental health disorders that's undiagnosed, can't explain the symptoms with anything else. And indeed she does sense that and sometimes gets upset about it without saying why she's upset. I don't think i'm suffering too much at the moment and that's why i'm thinking of giving our relationship still some change though i am about 95% convinced i won't spent the rest of my life with her.

It is far beyond time to break up.

 

You two are wildly incompatible and I can't think of a kinder thing to do than wish each other well and part ways.

That is completely true. But i don't know how to do that. I am worried she would succumb to depression and just cry her eyes out for months. I know i would be just relieved and happy, maybe a bit sad and bitter for what happened with us but i could move on quite fast and i fear that would give me great guilt because i really don't want to hurt her.

After ignoring all of the warnings that a healthy person would have walked away from, you now have a bigger list of complaints about things getting worse, not better. So what should that tell you, and what do YOU think you should do?[/quote

 

That tells me that i was way too naive in believing that i could change her. But this is my first relationship so i really didn't have a benchmark. I'm also a coward for not ending things sooner, and should end it now but can't find the courage. Things are getting so bad at the moment that i think she will break up with me so hoping for the best.

Thanks for all the replies, they've really helped me clear out my head from all the mess that has been accumulating there at the start of this year. Also to ad a point that has maybe disturbed me the most recently; she doesn't show any kind of physical interest to me. I've asked her if shes a lesbian or asexual but she just gets mad from it. To make things worse i've been getting attention from some girls from uni but can't make anything out of it because i have a girlfriend who apparently is an asexual. Laughing a bit for my situation when reading what i just wrote...Hopefully this will get sorted out at the end of this year.

Thanks for all the replies, they've really helped me clear out my head from all the mess that has been accumulating there at the start of this year. Also to ad a point that has maybe disturbed me the most recently; she doesn't show any kind of physical interest to me. I've asked her if shes a lesbian or asexual but she just gets mad from it. To make things worse i've been getting attention from some girls from uni but can't make anything out of it because i have a girlfriend who apparently is an asexual. Laughing a bit for my situation when reading what i just wrote...Hopefully this will get sorted out at the end of this year.

OP,

Seriously? "Are you asexual or lesbian?" I think if my bf asked me that I would say yes just to end the conversation. The question sounds like this:

Are you gay? Is something wrong with you? Because if you were hetero, you'd be having sex with me. What is wrong with you?

Definitely not an effective way to learn what you can do to repair your relationship.

It may be best to end it rather than use passive-aggressive backhanded insults to get your point across that you're not getting enough. Just break up. You'll learn that when you create conflict, feel entitled to sex or act disrespectfully, many women will back off sexually.

she doesn't show any kind of physical interest to me. I've asked her if shes a lesbian or asexual but she just gets mad from it.

Well, I have been in situation, where the relationship went the same direction. I realized after 3,5 years that we haven't had much in common either, we haven't had sex once in the last 6 months of our relationship and so on.. I have been picking up the courage to break up with him even though he was a nice guy. It took me months to do so, but it was the best decision I could have made. For both of us. There is no point wasting each others time just because we got used to each other, or we are scared or whatever other reason. I think deep down you know if the relationship is worth to stay in or not. You are just afraid to admit that it isn't... It never an easy decision, but you need to be honest with you and her and do what's right. After couple more years it will get even worse....

OP,

 

Seriously? "Are you asexual or lesbian?" I think if my bf asked me that I would say yes just to end the conversation. The question sounds like this:

 

Are you gay? Is something wrong with you? Because if you were hetero, you'd be having sex with me. What is wrong with you?

 

 

Definitely not an effective way to learn what you can do to repair your relationship.

Yeah out of context that sounds very bad, but it has been a result from two years of (almost always) unexplainable rejection and hostile reactions when i bring the subject up. The feeling when you have gotten rejected the 200th time despite everything you've tried to do is just too frustrating.

It may be best to end it rather than use passive-aggressive backhanded insults to get your point across that you're not

getting enough. Just break up. You'll learn that when you create conflict, feel entitled to sex or act disrespectfully, many women will back off sexually.

I actually have been wondering if she might be one of the things mentioned. I just don't find enough reason to justify the countles amounts of rejections. I've seriously been watching if shes looking out girls when we're in public, ridiculous i know.

Well, I have been in situation, where the relationship went the same direction. I realized after 3,5 years that we haven't

had much in common either, we haven't had sex once in the last 6 months of our relationship and so on.. I have been picking up the courage to break up with him even though he was a nice guy. It took me months to do so, but it was the best decision I could have made. For both of us. There is no point wasting each others time just because we got used to each other, or we are scared or whatever other reason. I think deep down you know if the relationship is worth to stay in or not. You are just afraid to admit that it isn't... It never an easy decision, but you need to be honest with you and her and do what's right. After couple more years it will get even worse....

That sounds so familiar, and i really do agree with everything you say. I think i'm at a point that i wan't to think this is something worth keeping but start to look for a flat every time we have even a bit of friction. I just don't know how break up, and try to postpone it by thinking that "lets see for 6 more months how things will develop".

Behaving badly so she'll leave IS the cowards way out, yet you say you don't have the courage to actually break up with her.

This has run it's course. Do the mature thing and end it. No, it's never easy, but have some integrity and do the right thing.

You are two are not compatible and that will never change.

If you stay any longer things will continue to get worse. Why wait until you despise each other?

She' may be losing interest emotionally physically or otherwise. There may be someone else she's got her eye on. And it's probably an attentive good looking guy she is starting to talk to.

I just don't find enough reason to justify the countles amounts of rejections.