How to handle this Friend Zone Situation

So first I wanted to give a short back round about myself and my relationships experience. I am currently in college and just finished up playing college football. Growing up I did not know how to handle girls very well but I was an athlete super star so they just flocked to me and it worked out. In college however it was a different story because the college I played at and still attend does not have a good football program so we are not "super stars". I have always known the basics of how to chat up girls and flirt with them but I do suffer from the athlete syndrome. This means that I do not put in enough effort because I feel the girl should peruse me and I wait to long and miss opportunities with great girls. To be honest I actually do a lot better that most guys, I have a lot of sex with a good amount of beautiful girls at my school on a regular basis since reading a book called the 3% man by Corey Wayne last year. This book gave me a lot of insight and knowledge that I needed to hear to clean up my game, however there are certain situations that have come up that I wish I could have asked someone personally which is why I found you.

My problem is that most of the time I get good looking girls but they are not the girls that I really really want. I have realized my flaws and are working on them. For example in my mind for some reason when I see a hot girl or she could not even be that hot...all my skills go away. I put them on a pedestal and treat them different and do "nice guy stuff" and get friend zoned.

The particular situation I wanted to email you about is this girl that I am friend zoned by that I would love to get out of and make her my girl. I met her 3 years ago in one of my classes and immediately was attracted to her but at the time I was busy with another girl so we became friends. We became very close and my attraction for her would come and go in waves, I could tell she was attracted to me too but we were kind of on different paths. I took a ton of classes with her over the years and would hang out once in a while. However we do not hangout in similar friend groups at all and we both dated people while in college.

This last spring however I realized I really like this girl a lot as she actually helped me through a rough time. I had a trouble with partying and I was able to just decompress and forget all the crazy stuff going on and just hang out with her at class, this is why I started liking her. I did not make a move because I wanted to get myself together and after school was out for summer, that is what I did. I came back feeling good after turning over a new leaf and planned to ask her out on a date. Took me 2 weeks but I asker her out after class one day and she was super stoked and kind of shocked like she had no idea I felt that way about her but then she said "honestly I am talking to someone right now" I played it cool and she said "I hope this does not effect our friendship" and I said it would not which I now realize was the wrong thing to say. I should have said something like "well I am not interesting in being your friend so its not going to be the same you are going to lose me" and then throw the ball in her court buuuuut I didn't..At the time I was unsure what to do so I kept pursuing her which just drove her away as I was acting needy. I would also give her too much attention and information about myself. I got deep in the friend-zone.

I then read that 3% man book over my schools winter break and learned a lot about the Do's and Dont's. I learned that I need to straight up tell her again how I feel and that I wont stick around to be her friend anymore. Over the break I started ignoring her on social media and I got a reaction out of her, she started snap chatting me more and more and commenting on my social media posts which I thought was interesting. First week back I saw her at a bar down town and she said he and motioned me over for a hug. I figured I needed to change my perception of how she was me so I gave her a sassy comment and said "oh look who's in town" and gave her a half hug and as she said "we should catch up soon" I kept walking away with my friends. I heard her say loudly "oh okay bye then!" with a frustrated/bewildered look on her face. Probably because normally I would have stopped and tried to talk her ear off all night. I did text her a week later and asked how long she would be in town (she is actually taking this quarter off from school to work). She actually invited me to an event with her friends which she had never done before but I could not go because of a job interview. After that exchange another week later I set up a time to get drinks with her at a bar and catch up.

The night of she started testing me by trying to mess with the plans by recommending another bar but then backing tracking and being unsure where to go. I had also mentioned I was on a tight schedule so she tried to say we should do this another day but I had planned for 7pm at the bar and stuck with it and told her we were meeting up so we did. I was confident going into the "date" at the bar because I recognized she was testing me which she had not done before and I thought theres a chance I might be able to climb out of the friend-zone. We had a great time talking and flirting and the feeling with her was a little different than past times and I think she could feel it too. I had her laughing a lot and she was really engaged in the conversation, she kept bringing up how "we should start hanging out more" and I finally said idk "I am kind of busy" in a playfull-ish voice. She responded with "are you rejecting me" in a playful/pretending to be hurt voice" I responded with "your a sweet girl and all but I just have "a lot going on right now" which I actually do. I also did not pay for her drink because I did not want to look like a nice guy which I also think was a test because she hesitated when the bartender asked if we were paying together. When leaving the bar however we were talking about post college and she said "Don't worry well be friends for life!!" .....the absolute last thing I ever want to hear come out of that girls mouth ....hahah. felt like a dagger. I must have made an expression because she asked if I was okay but I just played it off instead of telling her I don't want to be friends with her anymore. After this she started sending me funny videos on instagram which she had never done in all the years we were friends. Which I think counts for something in the digital social media age, that she's at least thinking of me

In need this solved because this girl is always on my mind and sometimes ruins sex with other girls, sometimes I am with another girl and I think of her and get a bad feeling that i'm not with her and then I go soft. I have also heard that she still in some kind of a relationship with some other guy I have heard rumors that they are dating and that she's in love with the guy but the sources are unreliable. I am also thinking the relationship could be not steady which is why she is giving me attention and I could sweep her off her feet. I feel that I need to play hard to get and be unpredictable because I was a push over in the past. I know she is going to be testing me all the time to see if I am a strong centered man now, which I am.

So I guess my question is do I cut her off completely with no contact and let her come to me and when she asks to hang out again tell her how I feel and say something like "What are you trying to say? Do you want to go on a date with me?" if she says no I would tell her "well then were never going to hangout" assuming she asks why I would tell her "I am not interested in being your friend, I like you as a person and I am interested in you, I heard you might be dating someone which is fine but I am not going to stick around and pretend I want to be your friend. If things change and you're willing to let me take you out or if you just wanna come over sometime and split a bottle of wine with me i'm down, but until then you are going to lose me." then I would just wait for a reply and/or walk away.

OR

Do I stay in contact with her and try to move our friendship out of the friend zone by flirting and slowly make things more sexual and change her view of me. There were times in the past where I would figure it out and actually flirt with her instead of treat her like a friend and I could tell she was loving it. I think I could possibly win her over but I am not sure about the standing of her and her current guy who btw did call her while I was getting drinks with her at that bar which is not a good sign.

A final Note: So far I have been ignoring her again on social media but she has been sending me stuff that shows me more of her personality and I am worried by not responding that she will not try to show me more of herself. Time is also a factor in this because we are currently at the end of winter quarter and then we have another 12 weeks and then we graduate. I know if I don't make something happen I will be kicking myself about it later.

Omg where to even start....

First and foremost, she has a boyfriend and you want her to be your girlfriend, therefore you need to leave her alone. If you truly cared for her, you would want HER to be happy, even if that means being with her boyfriend. But you’re too worried about your own selfish agenda, which means you don’t actually care about HER, you just want her for yourself. Not okay.

Second, telling her “fine, if I can’t have you then you’re going to lose me” makes you sound like a downright spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum. Again, if you cared for her, you would respect her feelings instead of trying to hurt her by threatening that she will lose you (as if you’re some precious jewel 🙄).

I think being a good athlete in high school has seriously done you a disservice and you need a huge slice of humble pie. In fact, you need the whole pie. Until you grow up and stop playing games with people (ignoring them to make them interested, walking away when she was trying to talk to you), you’re not going to have a healthy relationship. No good woman would put up with your arrogance. That sh*t may fly in high school, but not in the adult world. Women are not shy little girls anymore. The women who will catch your eye are smart and know their worth, and you’ve got a rude awakening coming.

Here’s a good man’s response to her:

“Hey, I’m super happy for you that you’ve found a guy that makes you happy. I’m sort of struggling with my own feelings for you, and it’s been hard for me to be your friend. If you ever find yourself single, please get ahold of me, I’d love to take you out. But as much as I’d hate to not have you in my life, I can’t be just friends with you.”

But the trick is...a good man will actually MEAN IT when he says it.

Wow. The high level of cruelty and game playing is leaving me flabbergasted. This friend of yours is responding to your absence by trying to engage you...she's lost on what's going on.

I can understand distancing or stopping this friendship due to your very strong feelings for her, but you don't have to be nasty about it. You are clearly bitter and angry and you want to jab at her, make her hurt. That is not cool. The script Indea presented is what you want to say and how you want to manage it. If you want to eventually have her back in your life, whether as a friend or romantic partner, I suggest you treat her with kindness and caring and don't shut that door permanently. You may find someone you genuinely care about and this girl finds her way back into your life and you become friends again...you and your wife, she and her husband will BBQ together while your kids run around. Or maybe you'll find yourself in a relationship...the timing wasn't right in the past, but it's working now.

You are exceptionally arrogant and seem to feel that cruelty is going to get you what you want. You found joy in blowing her off when she tried to have a conversation with you. This jock-star lifestyle did you a disservice, and just to echo, this may have worked in high school and college, but it doesn't work in the real world. You seriously need a slice of humble pie.

You recognize this flaw...you never had to really work for a relationship, and you have easy access to sex, but you have no skill to grow a relationship...no skill to pursue anything more than a romp in the hay. You recognize you need to make some changes, but you don't really know how. You probably can't really identify exactly what you might be doing wrong. Maybe some other literature would help, a life coach, friends; something not in the category of PUA and cruelty.

I feel like you have a lot of anger and resentment towards this woman, and maybe this is your cue to take a step back. You don't have to be nasty to her, though, just be honest that you need step back due to your feelings. You're happy for her and her relationship, and hopefully in time, you can circle back around...not necessarily romantically. You're too raw. I think that some distance might help you. You can work on some dating and relationship skills. You might meet a really great girl that takes off. You'll remember fondly your crush, maybe even pine a little over what could have been, but you'll be happy that things didn't work out because otherwise you would not have met the love of your life.

Above all, stop playing games and being cruel. If you genuinely care about her, you wouldn't strive to hurt her.

Here’s a good man’s response to her:

 

“Hey, I’m super happy for you that you’ve found a guy that makes you happy. I’m sort of struggling with my own feelings for you, and it’s been hard for me to be your friend. If you ever find yourself single, please get ahold of me, I’d love to take you out. But as much as I’d hate to not have you in my life, I can’t be just friends with you.”

 

But the trick is...a good man will actually MEAN IT when he says it.

This is exactly the best answer. In Corey's book, this would be called "the take away". You tell her what you want and if she can't give that to you, you move on, never look back until they reach out to you.

Corey Wayne...sigh.

Instead of following some kind of PUA script, how about being genuine? Be honest, following this script has gotten you nowhere.

Let her know you are interested in her as more than a friend and if she's unavailable to date, you probably shouldn't spend anymore time together.

As Grandma said, there are other fish in the sea.

Corey Wayne...sigh.

 

Instead of following some kind of PUA script, how about being genuine? Be honest, following this script has gotten you nowhere.

Let her know you are interested in her as more than a friend and if she's unavailable to date, you probably shouldn't spend anymore time together.

 

As Grandma said, there are other fish in the sea.

Corey says to make your interest clear so not sure what you're talking about.