[New here!] Flying to reconcile, how to approach? PLEASE HELP

Hi, dumpee here. We had 5 year relationship, last six months were long distance. He moved for a job, I stayed for my job, but we talked about me moving. He didn't want to push me and I just got a promotion. But I want to be with him, more than anything else. I'm 32 (F), he's 26 (M).

I was flying to see him every month since he left, we spent lovely Christmas with his family and New Years skiing. He finally came to visit me on Valentines day and it was lovely. Until I brought up the conversation we had on the phone a couple weeks back, where he said he's miserable in long distance and wants to break up. So he broke up with me that day. We left it as friends, he said he loved me when he was leaving for his flight next day...

He called me a week later, just asking how I was. Then I called a week later, tried texting casually. At some point he stopped replying so I stopped reaching out.

It's been 3 weeks no contact now. I got an ok from job (was real hard) to go to NYC where he is and work from there. I obviously want to reach out and try to spend time together. Help - how do I do that? I told him before I'm ready to move, he didn't want the responsibility for me to move there for him and hate it. He knows how much I love my current city and job. It's where we met. But it's not the same without him. And I want to give us a shot. And I do want to move to NYC (especially if I know I have him). How do I explain this to him?

Last time we talked on the phone I feel like he's trying to pull away and move on. Get me out of his mind.

I think he's depressed and confused as to what makes him happy. I don't think this relationship is what he needed to end. He might realize it later or might not. We care about each other, I know he does too (he told).

Please please help! I'm scared he wouldn't want to meet up.

I’m sorry, OP. I don’t think is solely about long-distance and him not wanting to take the reaponsibility for you (possibly) not liking the city.

I think it’s more likely that he no longer feels the same way about you and doesn’t have the heart to tell you. In my mind, that’s the real reason he doesn’t want you moving to be with him. He knows he isn’t invested anymore and would feel awful letting you go through with a move only to break up with you afterwards.

The difficult truth is that you can’t convince someone who doesn’t want to be convinced. Closing the distance isn’t likely to fix it.

Sorry this is happening. It sounds like his move itself was the breakup and he's been backing out of things slowly but surely until he finally verbally pulled the plug. He's not reaching out and discouraging rather than encouraging your move/the relationship. Keep your job, accept the breakup.

last six months were long distance. He moved for a job, I stayed for my job.

 

he said he's miserable in long distance and wants to break up. So he broke up with me that day.

It's been 3 weeks no contact now. I got an ok from job (was real hard) to go to NYC where he is and work from there.

he didn't want the responsibility for me to move there for him and hate it.

I feel like he's trying to pull away and move on. Get me out of his mind..

Yes he is being a but dishonest here maybe with good intentions but I would accept the breakup and take some time for yourself to recover. Sorry this has happened.

Thanks for the replies. To clarify a few points:

- I know he had doubts about the relationships, but we worked through it. Every time we meet, the things are wonderful. We love each other very much.

- I didn't ask him to come for V-day, he did himself, and brought me flowers, an expensive present, etc.

- He fixed things up in my apartment after we broke up. I know he cares about me.

I'm going to NYC anyway (job signed off). I do want to see him. I didn't get closure. I know sometimes you don't get closure, but I want to try. How do I approach him?

One more thing: in your experience, is there a chance he'll regret this later? I'm very positive he doesn't know what he's doing. This move / job / lack of friends over there it all caused him to become depressed and in my mind, breaking up with something familiar is the last thing he needs right now, but I'm not him. Any thoughts or experience? Thank you very much!

One more thing: He said if we ever in the same city for unrelated reasons (either he moves back, or I move there or whatever) things might change. This confused me.

One more thing: in your experience, is there a chance he'll regret this later? I'm very positive he doesn't know what he's doing. This move / job / lack of friends over there it all caused him to become depressed and in my mind, breaking up with something familiar is the last thing he needs right now, but I'm not him. Any thoughts or experience? Thank you very much!

Honestly, I wouldn't count on it.

He's previously had doubts, and now he's actually gone through with the break-up. This didn't come out of nowhere, in other words. He's had one foot out the door for a little while now.

My experience has been that it's very tempting to project our own desires and feelings on the dumper when we're trying to make sense of an unwanted split. It's common for dumpees to try to say depression is behind it, or that their now-ex is acting out of character and just needs to get back into their right mind. However, I have only seen that prove to be true on a couple of rare occasions. More often than not, the dumper really has wanted out.

You have to consider the possibility that he will not want to reconcile. Also keep in mind that it's an awful lot of pressure on him to be your entire world, knowing you gave up everything for him especially when he didn't ask you to.

Do you have enough support in the new city in case you two do not reconcile? Can you be happy and fulfilled on your own there?

I would likely message him that I've been transferred to NYC but will not assume that he may ever want to see me. Just wanted him to know so he won't feel stalked should he ever see me in public. Then I'd add some kind of laughing emoji, and Done. I'd leave him alone after that.

Sadly you are living in the past. Vday he did this, Christmas we did that. But now, in the present, he moved unilaterally to a new city and told you in person that it's over.

And so you quit your job and will try to force things forward with wishful thinking at your own expense because he softened the blow with this typical line. What if he has a new gf when you get there? That is a highly likely probability since he ending things after being long distance for a while and well, he's not a monk and this is his new hometown.

He said if we ever in the same city for unrelated reasons things might change.

One more thing: He said if we ever in the same city for unrelated reasons (either he moves back, or I move there or whatever) things might change. This confused me.

No commitment there from his part, he was wrong to say this and give you false hope.