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Girlfriend was unfaithful with her kids’ father


Oilfield9287

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My girlfriend of 3 years was recently unfaithful with her kids’ father. She said it was only the one time and I believe her. She did however get pregnant from that night. She says she still loves me and still talks about a future with me and all the plans we had and that she knows what she did was a mistake and she regrets it terribly. I want to make our relationship work. I know people make mistakes and I do still trust her. However I know she is completely overwhelmed right now and I want to be there for her but I don’t want to push her away. What advice can someone give on what to do for us to fix our relationship without me sounding jealous and needy. I know she loves me from the way she still looks at me and the little gestures she does for me. How do we fix this?

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Well, if the two of you don't go to couples counselling you might as well just call it quits now. She has children with this man and he will always be in her life in some capacity. She may love you but the chances are high she'll go back to the father of her children (including the one on the way). You've been with her for three years already and she still managed to have (at least) one night of unprotected sex with him.

 

You have good reason to not trust her and to be jealous and very fearful of her ability (or lack thereof) to remain out of his bed.

 

Why did they break up in the first place and is she actually divorced or is she just separated from him?

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While I commend you for being there for your GF in spite of everything, let's see, how can I put this gently? You are being way nicer to her than she deserves.

 

You've been with her for three years already and she still managed to have (at least) one night of unprotected sex with him.

 

This quote from ThatWasThen is important. We know our partners love us by the way they treat us.

 

I know she loves me from the way she still looks at me and the little gestures she does for me.

 

Anyone can give you a loving look. What I'm trying to say is your above-mentioned proof is easily accomplished. The hard stuff -aka being faithful to you and treating you right -is where she failed. Mature, loving relationships are hard work and take a lot of effort.

 

Of course she still wants a future with you because you take care of her. Look at how much you pamper her because she got pregnant from an affair yet you worry about her being overwhelmed. It's just incredible to me that SHE cheated on YOU, yet you are the one who doesn't want to push her away. I'm really sorry to say this, but you are letting her walk all over you.

 

So in answer to your question, I don't know how you fix this, because you are the only one who cares and is present in the relationship. All she does is perform a little "I'm so sorry" to you and force some tears, and you're back by her side, supporting her through this pregnancy. I don't even know what else to say at this point. Good luck with everything, and I mean that.

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^She didn't cheat on the OP. She cheated on her kids' father (who does not sound like the OP).

 

Oilfield, trust in your relationship and what you know about her. Could you elaborate more on what you mean by her feeling overwhelmed? If there are other issues (at work etc) that she's dealing with, pick better times to bring up this in conversation. Be kind to each other. You have said she is regretful about it. People deserve a chance to grow. If you're not strong enough to accept her past, move on (she deserves better than to be treated by someone who secretly resents her). She's done nothing wrong towards you and it seems you're a good partner also to her. If you trust her, believe in that and don't look for problems where there isn't any. If you aren't ready to trust her based on what she's told you, do the respectable thing and don't string her along.

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I'm quite sure she did: "My girlfriend of 3 years was recently unfaithful with her kids’ father."

 

I see what you mean. If she was recently unfaithful with her kids' father by sleeping with the kids' father and cheating on the OP, then yes, I'm not quite sure either why he is still with her but that's his decision. I read it as she was unfaithful with her kids' father (as in she cheated on the kids' father) in the past. Recently? Past? So few real details.

 

In the event I have misunderstood the above, the fact still remains that he wants to say with this lady regardless of what any of us think of her. If the OP feels that's the best decision and that there is still enough to go on in the relationship, that's up to him. I think it'll be very difficult considering she's pregnant with someone else's child and the child was conceived with another man other than the OP. If he's comfortable with that, who are we to judge? Not all families are structured traditionally. Clearly he's not so repulsed by it and he still believes in the relationship. I think rebuilding that trust will be tremendously difficult either way because he will have to heal from the betrayal of that trust at the same time (it's not the same as learning to trust a new partner in a new relationship for example and removing one's self from a situation of betrayal).

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I'm sorry, but it's already awful enough to cheat on you as it is (cheating is a choice, it's no accident), but it's even more worrying that she chose to have UNPROTECTED sex with this man and risk your health and pregnancy with this man, which shows a big lack of respect for you. Choose wisely if you want to be with someone like that that shows little to no respect for your health physically and mentally.

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I'm quite sure she did: "My girlfriend of 3 years was recently unfaithful with her kids’ father."

 

At first I thought she had cheated on the kid's father in the past, but after a second read I interpret as she has slept with the kid's father and got pregnant with him while being in a relationship with the OP.

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Exactly. She has been with this new guy for three years and then had sex with the ex .

At first I thought she had cheated on the kid's father in the past, but after a second read I interpret as she has slept with the kid's father and got pregnant with him while being in a relationship with the OP.
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Her and her kids’ father have not been together for way before we got together 3 years ago. She did cheat on me. She said she regrets her decision and I believe her. We were together for over a year and then we split up for awhile because I was actually a fool and left because things got hard. We got back together and everything was great. We made all these plans and we were even talking about buying a house. I know I can’t justify her cheating but I do believe her that it won’t happen again. I’m willing to stay with her because I love her. I know it’s a risk of getting my heart shattered in the end but I’m willing to risk it. I believe the risk is definitely worth the reward of spending my life with her if we can work this out.

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I believe the risk is definitely worth the reward of spending my life with her if we can work this out.
Well, you seem to have it all worked out then. Good luck being able to relax when she's not with you and she brings the baby over to meet his/her bio dad.

 

You have rough road ahead of you if neither of you are willing to get the guidance from a professional that would give her the boundaries she needs to keep her out of his bed and the emotional and mental tools you are going to need to help you to learn how to trust her again.

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The probability that you will two will spend the rest of your lives together is extremely low, OP.

 

Brace yourself for being left in the dust once the baby is born and they're immersed in the fuzzy love that comes with adding to their family. You are more than likely going to find yourself excluded from that, by both her and the tot's dad.

 

Sorry, man. This isn't going to end well for you.

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I wonder how you'll feel when it's time for her to have the baby and her ex is in the room holding her hand while she pushes.

 

Have you even thought about how you'll work out co-parenting with the baby's father? HE will have all the rights to the child and they will be connected for an additional 18 years (legally) and forever (sharing yet another child).

 

It's easy to say in theory you can handle all that, but the reality is going to "get hard".

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Speaking only for myself, there's no way I'd stay with someone who cheated one time--so there's no point in counting. Dumping wouldn't be a punitive move, it's would be practical, because I wouldn't want to live through an eggshell walk of forever waiting for the next time my partner gets lusty for the ex.

 

If you opt to put up with this, good luck. I'd suggest professional counseling, because I wouldn't know how to tell you how to live 'around' the big elephant in the room.

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  • 5 weeks later...

"I do still trust her"

 

Really? Why on earth would you trust a woman who not only cheated on you but went raw dog and got pregnant and now wants you to raise all of this guys kids? I can only imagine that any children she has in the future will also not be yours.

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  • 2 months later...

Concur with most others, she is disrespecting you with a man who now will be in her life for the next 18 years. Get out now and find a woman who will truly respect you and your relationship. She didn’t accidentally fall over and he didn’t accidentally fall into her vagina. No excuse here for her I see.

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