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Thread: Fantastic but is it real?

  1. #1

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    Fantastic but is it real?

    Where to start........

    I started seeing my Boyfriend just over a year ago, in the beginning it was nothing serious, but eventually evolved, we spend 5 nights a week together, (he has his Children the other 2), have been away together 3 times, going on holiday next month, Ive met his friends etc etc. We are quite domesticated and "boring" the majority of nights are spent cooking dinner and watching TV in front of the fire, but this suits me.

    He is very affectionate towards me, and I would classify our relationship as very good, he makes me very happy, however we have never exchanged "i love you's", nor actually verbally made our relationship "official" although we do refer to each other as partners.

    I am quite a bad communicator, and find it hard to express myself emotionally, and he knows this, I am unsure whether he has not done so because I have not, or if he simply does not feel that way?
    Having said that, we do talk about absolutely everything else.

    Our physical relationship is also extremely good.

    Sometimes I feel like he adores me, other times I wonder is he just with me because he has no one else?

    Now, this may just be my own insecurities at play.......

  2. #2
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    Do you want to know if he loves you or if he wants a serious, committed relationship with you? Related but not the same thing. It doesn't take much in the way of communication to say the one sentence "what are your intentions about us". It's a few words and if he is serious about you there won't need to be much "communication" -he will be overjoyed to respond with enthusiasm. Don't use the excuse of "not a good communicator" for "I'm scared to ask the question". Decide in advance that if he tells you he doesn't see future serious potential how long you will choose to stay in this arrangement.

  3. #3

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    Maybe he is waiting for you to open up to him, a lot of men find it very hard to open up but if you start maybe he will to.

    it could be that he's bsimply afraid to open up and has a fear that you may not feel the same.

    I've gone through some troubled relationships where I never opened up. I'm currently in a new one and I'm having issues processing my feelings however I have opened up to this girl and it is helping.

    Sit with him and talk to him and try and talk everything through and see where you both stand in the relationship and you will both feel a lot better afterwards and have a better understanding of each other
    Last edited by Kwackerjack; 03-15-2019 at 08:36 PM.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    After a year together I'd have zero trouble telling someone I loved them if I felt that he valued me and I did actually love him. I wonder why you are afraid. Does he not show you in actions that he loves you? Love IS an action word after all.

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  6. #5
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    Woh! Over A YEAR and your relationship hasn't even been made verbally official AND you've done all these girlfriend/wife-type things with him? The cooking, the 5 times a night, having been physical, etc.... I would NEVER, and I mean that in the best possible way to you because I'm just trying to show you that, as a woman who has a certain respect for myself, I would NEVER let that slide because it sets anybody who does it up for what you're experiencing right now: the painful guessing game where you shouldn't have been left guessing at all. NEVER, EVER give girlfriend/wife privileges unless you are officially the girlfriend or wife; NEVER, EVER move forward without these titles being solidified because for all you know, this man could be thinking that since you aren't holding him to anything, ie. don't have standards, he can string you along, or that you'll just go along with just about anything. For all you know, in his mind, you guys might not even be in a relationship! Don't ever put yourself in a position where you can get taken advantage of.

    In the past, I was in a similar situation, except I wasn't communicating either because I wasn't sure about the connection. We had been talking and hanging out for 5 months, but really only hung out for like a few days because he was out of state. Still, it was 5 months, and I regret it because that's still a long time to not talk about what's really going on. The thing is, with his actions, he was trying to already insinuate that I was his girlfriend. I heard that on social media he was already calling me that, he tried to call me babe, and yes, like you, he tried to get me to agree to vaca with him to a state we both always wanted to see. So, basically, this guy thinks he can just talk to and hang with me without having a direct convo with me about what our status is, and he can try to get me to do all these things. That cancels the gf thing, and I dodged the other 2 due to that. But, keep in mind that I wasn't saying anything because I was uncertain about him and how I felt about us being together. All around, there was no direct communication, which equals no relationship, really, because they can just turn it on you and be like, "Did I ever say you were my girlfriend?" and I was uncertain, and I'm pointing that out because your bf could be the one who's uncertain in this thing between you guys, but because he KNOWS you're a bad communicator so you don't really communicate, he could just be enjoying the fact that this is all so "easy", and I mean that in a bad way. When there's no communication about where you're going with someone, like both of our situations, it's bad all around because you're no where, just like how my situation was. Also, when you do this, it's disrespectful to either both parties if they're both wondering, or to that one person who's really wondering, because someone's insinuating you're in something without your permission.

    You don't ever want someone to think you're an easy person because you don't communicate - those are the people that get stepped on, which is what is happening right now, hence why you're wondering what you are. Also, if you don't communicate and he knows this and he's choosing to not, either, all around no communication, you aren't in a relationship. In a relationship, you communicate. If you were to suddenly become direct at these things, he could possibly end things because now you're not 'easy' anymore, meaning he can't string you along anymore. It is NOT your insecurities at play. He very well could view you guys as a relationship, love you, and not leave you if you suddenly learned to speak up for yourself, and all else that's good, but you will never know unless you step up, and I HIGHLY encourage you to do so. Honestly, right now, to me, you're not in a relationship; it's an arrangement where you get the benefits of a union without actually claiming that union. That's like starting a business where you need the papers to legally run it, but you run it anyway without them, and the police arrests you once they find out because your business technically wasn't real, and the fake happiness ends because underneath, you knew you didn't have the papers and wondered how long you could actually keep the business going. Which, actually, goes back to your subject line of asking, fantastic, but is it real? I also recommend you watch this channel to help you raise your awareness of these things in relationships and boost your standards: [Register to see the link]
    Last edited by Oh me Oh I; 03-15-2019 at 09:47 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    "Sometimes I feel like he adores me, other times I wonder is he just with me because he has no one else?"

    Wow. Is this statement a sign you have low self esteem, wondering if a guy feels stuck with you because he's such a loser he can't get anyone else, or is it an observation that he has major low self esteem and you're the only woman who has ever paid attention to him?

    One of you has to break down the barrier to get past a one dimensional relationship. He hasn't done it so it'll be up to you. Many things worth attempting in life are scary. So what? You either go through life a withering violet or with the strong spine of a sunflower. Which sounds better to you?

    Never assume anything. Ask so that you can make decisions that are best for you with that info. I have a friend whose bf never said he loved her, and she stubbornly withheld those 3 words until he said them, which he never did. I advised her not to buy a house with a guy who'd never said he loved her. They had broken up after a year and a half when she found he was communicating with exes. When they got back together, they bought the house and another year and a half later, he still hadn't told her ILY and went back to communicating with his exes and she broke up with him and then they had the problem of settling about the house affairs.

    I'm not saying your bf doesn't love you, but you need to find out now so you don't waste time or make assumptions, and to appease your worries if things go your way. I'd say, "We've been together a year now. We've never discussed if we're exclusive. I've never dated anyone else, and I'm assuming you feel the same, but I want to hear what you have to say about us."

    If love isn't discussed, you can either address it according to what he says, or talk about it at another time, but I'd bring that up, too. I might say, "Neither of us have said we love each other yet. Do you think we're shy or do you think it takes longer to decide if you love someone?"

    His answers should give a clue to how he's feeling. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are happy and things are going well. Where do you want this to go? Does this feel like contentment or complacency? How long has he been single before you started dating? Does this feel like a continuum of a 'domesticated' situation but with someone new going through the motions? It sounds like too much too soon and too much time together.

    How is his relationship with his kids' mother? Do you have kids? Does it feel too much like playing house rather than dating? Perhaps it's gotten a little too "boring" and "domesticated"? Try to change up this dull routine. Go out on dates, be exciting and more romantic. Be busy with your own life, friends, family, interests,etc. once in a while. Act like lovers not 70 y/o complacent couch potatoes.
    Originally Posted by LOSB19
    we spend 5 nights a week together, (he has his Children the other 2), have been away together 3 times, going on holiday next month, Ive met his friends etc etc. We are quite domesticated and "boring" the majority of nights are spent cooking dinner and watching TV in front of the fire, but this suits me.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're spending far too much time together and things are mindnumbing. You go back and breathe for two days but he takes on the kids. Where on earth does he have any time to himself? Break up the routine, focus on positive thinking a bit more and be realistic about what you want for your future. Then talk about it. If you're not verbalizing it means you're hesitating. If you're hesitating it means you need to think about your words carefully. Go back to the drawing board, use your free time more constructively and figure out what's stalling you. Life on earth is limited..make the most of it.

    If he DOES have a lot of time to himself (self-employed or working part time or has a considerable time off aside from spending time with the kids and you on the other days), then you should be facing the fact that he simply doesn't give you enough thought and isn't forwarding or deepening your relationship in a way that you want out of a partner. Don't be afraid to end things and move on to find what makes you happy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I'd advise you to directly ask him about his intentions and where he stands in the relationship. I've been consistently dating a guy for 3 months and a half and I like being with him, but I wasn't very much sure what his intentions were. So I asked him directly (even though we had talked a bit before we became physical intimate). His answers were not what I wanted to hear nor are coherent to what I want for myself, so I'm glad I finally stopped being afraid of communicating directly because now I have my answer.

    You've been with him for a long time, so at this point it shouldn't be problematic to "define the relationship" and know how he feels about you. It's better to ask than assume and then get disappointed. Is there any specific reason why you have these doubts?


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