Hurting

Hi.

I hate coming here . if I am here my life sucks

Almost a year ago I met a women online dating site from another country. Reasons why Because I will relocate to be with whom I desire because I was not having luck with american women.

Everything was perfect a few small numbs but better then I imagined. I found my last love . we had not spent a lot of time togather only a month in 6 months but we video chat every day we texted every 2 or 3 hours.

It helps trust me.

We had a plan . the plan was to work towards being together and get married. There was nothing stopping what we both wanted. . she started to get anxious about our time table . she started to pressure me about when I would move so she could come here. She's from Colombia south America. She's a journalist . as much as we missed each other i still needed to save more money and find an apartment. This plan takes time. She lost her job in November. I sent her money to survive. I loved to help her. I paid our trip to meet in Florida this past December. I gave her a pre engagement ring . She said yes. Our plans my commitment still moving foward.

Early January another bout of her anxiety . she said she needed to be with me. She was sad and lonely. Again I am not rich. I felt helpless she made me feel helpless. A day later she apologize.

At the end of January tention builds from both of us. We have a disagreement it turns into a texting argument. She said things that upset me I said things I didn't mean. But unlike past disagreements or arguments this one is different everything changed with her. She told me she was devastated by my words she refused to admit any wrong doing. It was I hurt her and that's it. I apologize and think this will only make us stronger like past arguments. No such luck. After 3 weeks she's still telling me I hurt her and she no longer has faith in our plan or relationship .i am of course now devastated and wondering how it all went wrong.

I convinced her to video chat and we did but it did not help she could barely look at me. I could see in her eyes the pain and anger. Our last video chat she even had an attitude criticized my haircut. I begged her to fight for our relationship. Pleaded my case . all she said was i was the best boyfriend she has ever had but she is going to walk away.

So I'm like how does this make any sense? I never cheated was abusive gave her money my time my love plans for a future togather. happened? I did send her a few emails but her replys where short unemotional. And no she was not seeing someone else I asked her. She replied that I was her best last chance for love and she will probably be alone for a long time. So I am forced to move on and trying real hard not to beat myself up. Thoughts?

Sorry you're hurting. What did you say to her that she was so hurt by?

I don't think your plan of looking for foreign women is wise, OP.

You are putting yourself in the headlights of women seeking a better life in a developed country, with you acting as a conduit. If they realize the conduit isn't as well-oiled as they thought, they will bail. Love is not the primary motivating factor for many on these international dating sites.

It is thus just not smart to plan to marry someone you barely know, under these circumstances in particular. You have romantic intentions, but the risk is high that the women who contact you don't. Not really, anyway. It then follows that it's easy for them to cut you off when things don't progress quickly. They don't have the same emotional attachment to this plan as you do.

How old are you, if I may ask?

I don't understand this idea of intentionally looking for love in another country. Women in other countries are not THAT different from each other. Women are women, with different personalities. And dating styles, communication styles may be different at first because of cultural differences: AT FIRST. But when you get past that you have an individual person who is just as unique as any woman anywhere. You're not any more likely to be compatible long-term with someone this way. It's a crap-shoot no matter where you look. But what you are more likely to deal with, when you date only women from other cultures, is more hurt and delayed pain because of the initial distraction of cultural differences, which only serve to disguise and mask the incompatibility. What you may want to chalk up to a language barrier or cultural differences could actually be clashing personalities but you can't tell because you're so distracted by the accent, the mystery, etc. You don't get down to the real person until you're already invested, emotionally and it looks like, financially. (Not to mention that you set yourself up for opportunistic individuals who will want to use you for money and a green card.) I get that the heart wants what the heart wants, and you can't choose who you love, but why choose to start off so vulnerable with so many odds stacked against you?

I will especially never understand this coming from Americans. Sure, maybe if you came from a really small, isolated country that has a very specific culture. But you live in America for crying out loud. Women in Brooklyn, New York are going to be just as different from women in Mobile, Alabama as they would be from women in another country. You can find so much variety of personality, culture, traditions, values, in the United States, and save yourself all this grief. Date local, it's good for the economy: your economy, that is.

You were being used for what money that you have. It wasn't love. It's no the most common scam, but it is a known scam.

53 years old

Have you any experience with dating foreign women?

I told her why should I continue this relationship ? I told her I should find a more patient women . someone who inspires me someone who speaks better English who does not imply i create a less important argument. I really unloaded on her. But I did not mean what I said. I was angry.

I am a wildlife photographer. Colombia is a great place to visit and have a relaxing time. Why not date a local and move there?

It's just part of the con so you feel a sense of urgency to give her what she wants.

I am a wildlife photographer. Colombia is a great place to visit and have a relaxing time. Why not date a local and move there?

Sure, go for it.

But I think many of the women you will encounter on these international dating sites are going to be looking to leave the country. They are not likely to be as interested in having you relocate there, unless you come with a decent amount of money.

"she started to pressure me about when I would move so she could come here. "

Seems like she thought you were going to bring her to the US. Not that she wanted to stay in Colombia.

I told her why should I continue this relationship ? I told her I should find a more patient women . someone who inspires me someone who speaks better English who does not imply i create a less important argument. I really unloaded on her. But I did not mean what I said. I was angry.

If someone spoke to me like that when he's angry I would dump them too. Being angry doesn't give you the right to "really unload" on her. Control your anger.

There is a saying that goes "Wherever you go, there you are." In other words, you can't escape the things that make it difficult for you to find compatible women locally by going to another country... and in your case another continent... to try and find love. There is something within you that is blocking you from meeting the woman of your dreams where you live now... that will block you from having a successful relationship no matter where you go unless you find a way to deal with it.

I think I’m better experienced than the most to give advice on this. I have a friend who married a Brazilian woman a few years ago and I’ve been in a relationship with a Russian woman for over two years.

First, before more people give you an ear bashing regarding the common stereotype, most believe (I’ll admit I did too) ...... foreign women from countries less prosperous than yours are gold digging green card scammers and will leave you once they have citizenship.

Sadly this stereotype is based on a small handful of regurgitated stories, staged shows like 90 day fiancé and the fact that men who have early divorce don’t realise it was not due to her being a scammer, but not being compatible together.

The stats disapprove the myth the truth is actually the opposite. International marriages are far more successful than local ones, In fact in every country that publicise their stats they are well below local divorce rates.

The United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) reports that “…marriages arranged through [mail order bride] services would appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages having lasted over the years for which reports are available.” The USCIS also reports that “… mail-order bride and e-mail correspondence services result in 4,000 to 6,000 marriages between U.S. men and foreign brides each year.”

(I don’t like the term mail order bride. International dating is now exactly the same as local online dating)

So now to your problems..... I’ve been on many dates locally and if I’m honestly, one in 10 to 15 we have found a great connection together and have entered a relationship. I’ve been in 9 relationships of varying lengths since my divorce. Only 2 of these women I would consider marrying.

International dating is no different and as other people have said, women are the same everywhere. There might be cultural differences, but like all humans, everyone has different personalities. Unless you are really lucky, don’t expect to find the right woman for you straight away.

One disadvantage of international dating, is it’s fast paced and really you don’t spend the same amount of quality time together as with dating a local woman, before deciding to marry. Often you’ve committed a lot of money travelling and vast amounts of time communicating and you over look red flags or incompatibility.

In my situation, I wasn’t looking for a foreign woman. We met online as friends and she agreed to teach me German (she’s a business woman and travels there regularly from Russia). Over time one thing led to another and we developed feelings for each other.

I’ve been very fortunate that we have a great connection and have never had one argument or even a minor disagreement, but we also don’t have the financial pressure you obviously do. I earn a good wage and hers is exceptional by Russian standards. She has the same quality of life as I do.

I would call this a learning experience and keep looking. Try to find someone who is close to your age (most of the 20% who divorce have large age gaps). Take your time and you’ll find that perfect woman, who has a consistent personality.

Ohh and lastly never let anyone

stop you finding your happiness, by using the common stereotype against you. You now have the stats, with smart choices statistical you will be married far longer than them.

I told her why should I continue this relationship ? I told her I should find a more patient women . someone who inspires me someone who speaks better English who does not imply i create a less important argument. I really unloaded on her. But I did not mean what I said. I was angry.

No wonder she reacted as she did! You were rude and mean to her. I also think she was looking for a meal ticket to marry an American and move to the US. Buddy, you dodged a bullet only you dont see that.

Find a local woman. Dont give me that crap that US women are no good, of course they are! You need a woman you can spend time with in person, not video chatting online!

Now a post I can agree with. Here is my local women responce

I was on various sites for almost 3 years

I am Good looking and should have no problem metting good looking women right? Out of litterly thousands of women i tried to contact guess how many returned a message ? One. I tried everything. Advice from friends other women my luck was so bad I thought i was cursed. I am picky. Most women my age has kids and there body is shot. So I've tried it all. I like Colombia because of the wildlife. That being said i was no scammed it was love. She didn't like my texting attitude so she's gone. Metting a girl in 2 weeks same country 35 with no designs on moving to America. I will get this right

I agree with Nickel. You were scammed! Don't do this again.. try to avoid getting yourself in this type of situation. She sold you all the words you wanted to hear: you're her last love, last chance, best boyfriend. These are all trigger phases to keep you hooked and blinded and you fell for all of it hook, line and sinker.

You're too vulnerable to be dating. Work on yourself and try and do some soul searching before dating again.

Before you jump on a plane or send more money, do some research :https://www.bbb.org/article/news-releases/17057-online-romance-scams-a-bbb-study-on-how-scammers-use-impersonation-blackmail-and-trickery-to-steal-from-unsuspecting-daters?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI2cqL08WG4QIVkZOzCh1pwQ8CEAAYAiAAEgK7B_D_BwE

Now a post I can agree with. Here is my local women responce

I was on various sites for almost 3 years

I am Good looking and should have no problem metting good looking women right? Out of litterly thousands of women i tried to contact guess how many returned a message ? One. I tried everything. Advice from friends other women my luck was so bad I thought i was cursed. I am picky. Most women my age has kids and there body is shot. So I've tried it all. I like Colombia because of the wildlife. That being said i was no scammed it was love. She didn't like my texting attitude so she's gone. Metting a girl in 2 weeks same country 35 with no designs on moving to America. I will get this right

I think this is why you only got one response; you're looking for girls that are around 35 but you're 53. When I was 35 and hit on by someone over 50, it was not attractive to me. In fact I don't think it's any different than you being turned off by women whose bodies "are shot" because they had kids. I think you're probably hitting on 9s or 10s that are significantly younger than you are.

Your grammar and spelling aren't great either. Maybe you did a better job with your profile and that's just how you post. Also I agree with the others that the way you talked to your girlfriend when you were angry was a red flag and it's no wonder she was scared away. Are you really ready to meet another girl in 2 weeks, you're over the other girl already?

Have you considered researching to find a reputable matchmaker or speed dating or meet up.org groups or any other means of meeting local women in person? Or maybe someone who's experienced and can help you to build a better profile.

My Dad met and married a long distance lover. He said if he could do things over again, he would have found better ways to meet women locally instead of building fantasies with a stranger. You only get to know long distance people in the context of a vacation-bubble rather than natural, everyday exposure. Once that bubble pops, so does the fantasy built 'about' a person. Dis-illusion-ment is painful--and expensive.

Head high, and good luck to you.