This Path Towards Healing

After lurking for a few weeks, and passing painful time by reading these threads, I've finally decided to post. As a part of my healing, I'd like to share my story and post updates on how it goes.

On one of the threads, I saw someone mention Starting Over by John Gray. I'm speed-reading it and am one thirds through the book. I hope to start the exercises once I give the whole thing a quick read through. So far, this book, Al Turtle's essay-filled website, and the two long threads (currently at 53 pages and 250-something pages) about it being possible to get back together have helped me move through more of my emotions. I believe this is a good thing.

Breakup

My ex-partner broke up with me just before Christmas 2018. We had just signed another lease together on the nicest place we've ever lived in. Prior to that, we lived together for over three years. In the fall, he had told me how he had fully intended to marry me. For six to seven weeks, I was in complete denial. I begged and pleaded. He stopped talking to me. I tried to cook fancy meals. We continued sleeping in the same bed. We had two or three great conversations that I thought brought us closer, but then he would stop talking to me again as a defense. After four weeks of denial, he began to get very angry and yelled at me things he'd never said before - even cursing and throwing things. I tried to give him space by sleeping over at friends'. Ultimately, none of this worked.

The only thing that "worked" was accepting the breakup. I bought a plane ticket to stay with my parents, and in this sort-of surprise, he clung on to me. We had a very long conversation spanning 5 hours in the evening, and a few hours in the morning leading up to when I had to leave for my flight. During this conversation, he held onto me, and I watched him cry in pain. He said things like "I can't believe this is happening" and "I don't know if I'm making a mistake" and "I think this is for the best". He had a lot of emotions and a lot of tears. Prior to our relationship, he hadn't cried since he was a child. I was so taken aback that I ended up comforting him. And, he tried to comfort me as well. We validated each others' pain, admitted to our weaknesses and screw-ups, and listed the things we would miss about each other. We both asked questions. We worked out some logistics since our lives have become so entwined.

1-2 Weeks Post-Breakup

The first two weeks were the worst. I felt completely hopeless and felt like there was no reason to live. I felt pain through my entire body, especially my chest, every single day. I had called in sick a lot while I was in denial, so I lost my job. I have no home, no job, and was living out of a suitcase. I stayed in bed most days. I cried everyday. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and it felt very scary.

Luckily, I had a few friends to reach out to. Some called or texted once a week. Some twice a week. One of my friends called me every single day. I started therapy the week after I got to my parents' house. That helped a little. My mom made me eat every meal. A couple of friends took me outside for a couple hours at a time.

I had to email him once to ask him to mail some things. That was painful.

I continued to constantly check the small number of accounts that he had online. I saw this as a way of staying close to him. Filling in that gap, that hole that was missing between us. I let myself do it, until one day, I only checked three times a day, then two, then one. A few days, none at all. I didn't resist it. I let it slow down.

3-4 Weeks Post-Breakup

I began to feel my rage and anger at him. I listed the things I hated about him and our relationship. This gave me a lot of energy to do things, but it usually lasted a day. Then I would return to feeling sad.

I made myself get out of bed, simply by sitting in an armchair, instead of lying in bed. I asked my friends to take me out, instead of waiting for them to call me. While I sat in this chair, I began applying for jobs. First, without much effort, knowing I wouldn't get these jobs. Now I've had a few interviews over the phone. Then I began looking at housing listings and searched for roommates. All of this time spent doing those things began to replace checking up on my ex and thinking about him.

After talking with the friend who called everyday (who is a textbook example of someone with secure attachment), I decided to reach out to my ex. I expected him to ignore my email or take a week to respond. He actually responded a couple hours later, writing more than I did, and even expressed his care for me. He was candid. Yes, it did hurt to contact him and to read his response. My friend said that his response was the best possible response he could have given, and it was even healthy because it was honest.

He gave no indication of wanting to get back together, and my friend told me not to read in between the lines. I did anyway, but she talked me through my cognitive distortions. She validated me by saying "That's okay, you're just thinking that way because you're depressed right now. Don't worry, you'll begin to think more clearly soon." My friend has been a good daily model for how I can be kind to myself. It didn't happen over night, but I've been slowly internalizing the things she says to me.

5-6 Weeks Post-Breakup

I feel like I have many, many things to work on. The break-up feelings go hand in hand with my childhood stuff and how my parents mistreated me. I have skills to learn.

Though I still have 1 or 2 bad days of staying in bed every few days, I am needing to talk to my friends for a less amount of time.

At first, not having a job felt the worst, but now I am seeing that by lying in bed and sleeping, my body was healing from a deep trauma.

Now I can find a job that pays more, and one that I complain less about.

I am not looking forward to living with roommates. But it might be good for my emotional health to live with someone.

I feel like I have the option of contacting my ex in 1 or 2 months.

I have a clearer sense of what to work on in therapy.

Conclusion of This Post

This is where I am at. I plan on updating every two weeks or so. Thank you for reading. Writing this post was cathartic.

And to those who are just at the beginning: I feel for you. I'm so sorry you are hurting. You are not alone.

My heart goes out to you, Anon. Consider this a bit:

I feel like I have the option of contacting my ex in 1 or 2 months.

What would you aim to accomplish by doing this?

For instance, would this be about working logistics to claim your things, or would this be about something emotional?

Catfeeder, thanks for posting.

My heart goes out to you, Anon. Consider this a bit:

What would you aim to accomplish by doing this?

 

For instance, would this be about working logistics to claim your things, or would this be about something emotional?

I don't know. It will be for wherever I am, and wherever he is, 1-2 months from now.

7-8 Weeks Post-Breakup

In the past two weeks, I felt a little shift. In the first six weeks, I felt anger about once a week. Now I feel a really deep and intense anger for ~3 days a week.

This anger has helped me be very productive, which has created a certain chain of actions.

I've been applying to jobs with more serious effort and lined up a bunch of interviews.

Part of preparing for interviews made me want to look nice. So some of my self-care has included a haircut and other beauty services. I don't usually do this kind of thing, but it feels nice looking in the mirror and seeing something other than a face swollen from crying.

I also found a place to live. This immediately contributed to me feeling better, now that I don't have to live with my parents. I feel more independent.

Doing all of these things has left me with less time to think about him.

And, the sense of feeling beautiful, independent, and confident made me ask for double what I was making before. At the end of an interview today, I could tell she really liked me and said my salary range was "definitely doable". I walked out feeling like I could start rejecting what isn't good enough for me. Relationship and job-wise.

I'm still seeing a therapist, and talking to friends most days. I remind myself that I am loved every morning.

Yes, I still feel sad. But instead of feeling sad all the time, I now feel sad 1/3 of the time, anger 1/3 of the time, and productive 1/3 of the time. Somewhere in there, I also feel moments of joy and pure happiness laughing with my friends.

I wonder what I'll feel and think and do in two weeks.

I walked out feeling like I could start rejecting what isn't good enough for me. Relationship and job-wise.[...]

What a fabulous update. While this experience may not feel great at the moment, you may well transform it into the best thing that could have happened for you and your future.

I wonder what I'll feel and think and do in two weeks.

While the bad feelings lessen and the good increases over time, be gentle with yourself about any times that might feel like a backslide. Such moments don't mean that you've lost any of your progress, they're just cycles of grief that can arise as your progress allows you to work through some of the tougher stuff.

Head high, you can do this!