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Anyone got back with ex whilst living together?


100eyes

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Hi everyone,

 

Just wondering if there are people out there who got back with their ex while still living together?

 

There is a lot of advice out there about no contact after break-up or limited contact while in the same space, but to me it feels a lot like playing games. I find it quite sad that attracting someone back would rely on ignoring them instead of showing support.

 

Any stories, advice would be much appreciated

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I generally don't agree with the concept of no-contact but most people use it in a break up (correctly) because it breaks the habit of constantly looking to that person (the ex) for approval. It's breaking the habit and getting out of that routine mindset that helps individuals. Learning again how to think and act free of the opinions or presence of that person (the ex) is often the most difficult part about handling a break up especially if it wasn't a mutual break or for the one who didn't initiate the break/the partner that was surprised or heartbroken. When I first heard about "no-contact" being used as an umbrella cure or as a manipulative means to get someone to care about another person, I also thought it was silly and immature. Any tactic used to manipulate another person is unnecessary but if it means sincerely moving on, it's a different matter.

 

If a two people still live together, ignoring the other person is not useful in your shared living space. Both most likely still have to coordinate a few things such as shared expenses or ongoing payments/agreements you both have together. If the break up isn't mutual, the one having misgivings might want to start evaluating whether he/she is in denial (not being realistic or respectful to the wishes of your ex/partner). You asked about getting back together. To me, this doesn't sound like you're (hypothetical you because you never did say above whether it's you who's wanting this) respecting the boundaries that have already been set in place: the request for a break up or space from someone else or yourself. If you're going back on a prior agreement, now might be a time to ask why and why you're not being honest with your partner or ex-partner in the first place about changes in your feelings or your demeanor. If you feel the other person won't listen to you, be respectful and don't pursue any reconciliation.

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We have a contract together for a few more months, but I would like to use the time to see if I can improve myself and work on my shortcomings to repair issues we have had in the last few years.

 

I'm not so much seeking advice on my situation, more curious about other people's experiences with this

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This OP doesn't want to expose his/her situation and should be left with the choice not to. I think we are discussing concepts.

 

We have a contract together for a few more months, but I would like to use the time to see if I can improve myself and work on my shortcomings to repair issues we have had in the last few years.

 

I'm not so much seeking advice on my situation, more curious about other people's experiences with this

 

Please see my post #4 if you've not had the chance yet. We might have posted at the same time (especially the second paragraph). Hearing other peoples' experiences will help only to a point because your situation will be different from others. Don't make the mistake of picking out the things you want to hear and over-emphasizing success stories to give yourself dutch courage. I'd encourage both of you (you and your ex) to be honest with each other and sincere. If the other person sincerely wants nothing to do with you and prefers a respectful and civil separation or to focus on the details of one person moving, you should respect that. There's nothing stopping you from working on yourself or improving your situation for the better regardless of what your ex thinks or wherever he or she or you end up.

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This OP doesn't want to expose his/her situation and should be left with the choice not to. I think we are discussing concepts.

 

 

 

Please see my post #4 if you've not had the chance yet. We might have posted at the same time (especially the second paragraph). Hearing other peoples' experiences will help only to a point because your situation will be different from others. Don't make the mistake of picking out the things you want to hear and over-emphasizing success stories to give yourself dutch courage. I'd encourage both of you (you and your ex) to be honest with each other and sincere. If the other person sincerely wants nothing to do with you and prefers a respectful and civil separation or to focus on the details of one person moving, you should respect that. There's nothing stopping you from working on yourself or improving your situation for the better regardless of what your ex thinks or wherever he or she or you end up.

 

Obviously.

 

It makes me very suspicious to the reason for the break up.

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No contact is not there to get the ex back, it's for you to start detaching, healing, and moving on yourself. Since you live together, no contact is simply not possible. No contact is what you do once you are fully separated and whatever you had together disentangled.

 

Anyway, seems that you are desperately searching for a glimmer of hope, that if you do this and that, act this way or that way, he'll see what he is missing and decide to come back. This is why posters are asking for more details as it might help give more specific advice. Generally speaking though, people rarely end long term relationships over trivial matters that can be fixed. It's also possible that he's been thinking about ending things for a very long time. Picking fights over stuff the last few months of the relationship is actually his way of detaching and ultimately ending the relationship. In other words, just because you fix the "issues" of the past few months won't do you any good. It's likely they weren't really issues to begin with. The real issue is he has been checking out for awhile.

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Hi everyone,

 

Just wondering if there are people out there who got back with their ex while still living together?

 

There is a lot of advice out there about no contact after break-up or limited contact while in the same space, but to me it feels a lot like playing games. I find it quite sad that attracting someone back would rely on ignoring them instead of showing support.

 

Any stories, advice would be much appreciated

 

Not that I've ever heard, either on this forum or IRL. In fact it's more likely that he or you will end up moving on with another person than it is that you two will get back together. Sorry OP.

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Obviously.

 

It makes me very suspicious to the reason for the break up.

 

I'm not sure it matters but appreciate your point. Even if someone wrote out a reason for break up or posted their life story, what difference does it make when it's all words on a screen? Words can be designed and framed and adjusted for any effect. The OP isn't bothering to do that which I appreciate too. There's no one to blame here (OP or the partner) and no sides to take. Just a concept.

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A very close friend of mine reconciled with her ex while they were still living together, yes.

 

They had bought a house together and were planning to sort out the logistics of that upon their split - but then decided to give it another chance. They've since gotten married.

 

However, I would not say their marriage is a particularly happy one. Without going into too many details, I don't think the issues that broke them up were ever really resolved. They lead largely separate lives and she frequently complains to me about the tension between them. My very strong impression is that they reconciled and married primarily because they were so familiar to each other and afraid to be alone and starting over again.

 

My point is that still living together - or not - is not what ultimately makes the difference in a successful reconciliation.

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I'm not sure it matters but appreciate your point. Even if someone wrote out a reason for break up or posted their life story, what difference does it make when it's all words on a screen? Words can be designed and framed and adjusted for any effect. The OP isn't bothering to do that which I appreciate too. There's no one to blame here (OP or the partner) and no sides to take. Just a concept.

 

I do not agree!

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We need to be mindful and respectful of what OPs want to share in this forum, however more details like who broke up with who, did he begin to check out before the breaking up, how was the relationship before and what were some of the issues (if there were issues) can help accessing the probabilities of reconciliation (even if the OP doesn't share them but thinks about it herself).

 

As others have said no contact is for healing and to help moving on, not for getting exes back.

 

As to reconciliation while living together, I don't have experience with that and never heard about a clean reconciliation while living together but that doesn't mean it can't happen. There are several things that could have happen that affect the chances like for example:

 

- If he broke up and checked out because he simply doesn't want to be in a relationship (with you) anymore, then the chances are very slim. Also while he still lives with you in the same situation, he's still going to want to break up. If he doesn't want to be in the relationship it's possible that he has checked out long before the break up. Most people don't decide to break up long term relationships in a whim. They think about it, they pounder on the pros and cons and they disengage before communicating the decision. So when they break up with you, they are already at a more advanced stage of moving on than you who just got the news. It's also important to access how convinced he is of the break up. If he really wants to break up then there's not much you can do to convince him otherwise.

 

- If he broke up because he has someone else in mind/is monkey branching, then you hardly can bit the novelty of the new person and he'll hardly pick you at this stage. (not saying that's what happened, just that people who monkey branch rarely get back together if they have novelty right there waiting for them)

 

- If you broke up for issues it's great that you try to work on them as you said, but mostly for yourself and not just for him. But if the issues were deep enough to break down your relationship, then it's not just a couple of months while living together that will change them or making him believe prevalent issues that lasted years are resolved. If he has issues to address and work on, he should be willing to do so too.

 

I'd focus on yes, working on your issues and try to disengage and move forward as possible. If along the way of you becoming more independent and with a better life he wants to come back, then if you're available and want to, you'll have better tools to make good decisions.

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You are right. It is playing games. Who broke up with whom and why? As long as the attachment and shared everything of living together is still there it's just a silly stand off and silent treatment. It comes from chronic unresolved conflicts and chronically unaddressed incompatibilities.

 

Staying together for whatever reasons yet being "broken up" is often an excuse to date others without losing the security blanket. Stomping around in the same space with anger and silence seems utterly ridiculous. Resolve things one way or the other. Get out or get along.

H

There is a lot of advice out there about no contact after break-up or limited contact while in the same space, but to me it feels a lot like playing games.

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The problem is, most people don't want the same relationship they've broken from. No contact allows two people to grow into themselves without the influence of the other. If their paths cross again in the future it's about two people who've reached a higher ground and a fresh perspective. This allows them to bond over their history without repeating it.

 

Trying to win back someone while living together doesn't allow for that kind of growth and reflection to occur. It's a continual influence that's absorbed in the same environment as the old. I'm not calling it impossible, but it's likely the most uninspiring situation for the one who wanted the breakup.

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