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Thread: Splitting rent if your partner stays at your place a few times a week

  1. #1
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    Splitting rent if your partner stays at your place a few times a week

    Question: To split a portion of rent/bills or not if your partner stays at your place a few times a week, but you never stay at their place.

    My bf and I have been together for 1 year.We are in our mid to late twenties, both have steady careers and make good money for our age. He lives at his momís house in order to save for a home and the fact that he will be starting grad schools soon and I have my own 1 bedroom apartment.

    Ever since I got my apartment last year he had been staying at my place a few times a week, and then it turned to some weeks at a time. The last few months, he has only been staying at my place 2-3 nights a week. Let me add in, I never stay at his house because his mom lives there so that would be strange.

    My question is, should I be asking him to help pay rent or some of the bills?
    Iím starting to feel like itís unbalanced that he stays at my place and uses my toiletries, and has also not offered to help. If it were me, I would have offered to help months ago.
    I must also add in that when we got out to eat we tend to split the expenses as in he pays one time then I pay the next time.

    Thank you for your input in advance.
    Last edited by Npgirl09; 04-15-2019 at 02:34 PM.

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    No! That's nuts.

    He should be picking up the groceries if you are eating in, though. Tell him to bring his own toiletries.

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    Me personally, I wouldn't care as I would be incurring those expenses anyway.

    If he moved in full time, I'd certainly expect expenses to be split.

    That doesn't mean my answer is the correct one, as it comes down to personal preference. I'd honestly be more concerned that he still lives with his mom.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You could, but how do you think it would be received?
    If the tables were turned, how you feel being asked for staying over and visiting your boyfriend?

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    He's showering, I assume, and so he's using water (unless your water bill is included in the rent).

    If he's eating several meals at your place a week, then that's costing you a bit of money. You say he's making good money. He's also not paying any rent at his parents' house. Sit him down and have a nice talk about how much money you're spending on groceries and ask him to pitch in.

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    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Does he pay for other things? Who pays for the dates?

    It may also depend on what he can afford.

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    For me it would depend.

    Have your utility bills (gas, electric, water, cable, wifi) increased since he's been staying over?

    I would think the water bill would, since he's now taking showers, washing up, using the toilet, too.

    But with two people sharing space, the usage of utilities typically increases.

    I think at the very least he should chip in for groceries.

    Re your dates, the dynamic there shouldn't have to change imo.

  9. #8
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    Thank you everyone for your input so far.
    The water bill is included in my rent, but not the gas bill so hot water is a charge.
    If I already have food at my house, we will eat that, but if we go grocery shopping he will pay for the groceries if he is planning on making a recipe so The groceries are enough groceries to make one meal.

    As for dates, itís split. If he pays for our dinner date one night, then Iíll pay for our lunch date the next time and so on.
    I must also add I tend to drive us around more than he does as well. Iíve tried to put a stop to that but I live in a busy area and he doesnít want to lose his parking spot.
    He makes a lot more money than I do, but Itís weird because itís is not about the money really. Iím just starting to get annoyed that heís never bothered or considered to chip in.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Npgirl09
    Question: To split a portion of rent/bills or not if your partner stays at your place a few times a week, but you never stay at their place.

    My bf and I have been together for 1 year.We are in our mid to late twenties, both have steady careers and make good money for our age. He lives at his momís house in order to save for a home and the fact that he will be starting grad schools soon and I have my own 1 bedroom apartment.

    Ever since I got my apartment last year he had been staying at my place a few times a week, and then it turned to some weeks at a time. The last few months, he has only been staying at my place 2-3 nights a week. Let me add in, I never stay at his house because his mom lives there so that would be strange.

    My question is, should I be asking him to help pay rent or some of the bills?
    Iím starting to feel like itís unbalanced that he stays at my place and uses my toiletries, and has also not offered to help. If it were me, I would have offered to help months ago.
    I must also add in that when we got out to eat we tend to split the expenses as in he pays one time then I pay the next time.

    Thank you for your input in advance.
    Not rent. But if you buy things for him he should offer to reimburse or buy them himself. If you two go grocery shopping for the two of you, he should offer to pay or chip in. You choose not to live with your parents and that's your choice. He need not subsidize your choice by paying rent. I've never been in that situation because when I lived with my parents and was dating someone who had his own apartment I was a student and he worked full time (and it was "traditional" dating in the 1980s -it never would have occurred to either of us for me to help with rent -I'd have had to do so out of my small savings if I did). When my husband lived with me at my place (high rent district) after we married he actually still was paying rent on his apartment in another city (long story) and I'd never have dreamed of asking him to pay for anything. He did treat for dinner and meals and dates regularly (traditional type). I spent a lot of time at his apartments when we were dating and he'd have laughed at me if I offered to pay rent. However, I did my very best to pay/chip in for groceries, toiletries, etc.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Honestly, I think it's a bit off to ask him to be chipping in. It's your place, money you'd be spending if he evaporated in a cloud of smoke tomorrow. You get to the splitting stuff if/when you move in, not before. My ex-gf stayed mainly at my place, for years. Never would I have considered charging her for toothpaste or showering, let alone a percentage of my mortgage.

    That said, your bf sounds a bit off as well, in that he's kind of unaware of money. In his shoes, I'd be taking you out at least 70 percent of the time, partly because that's just how I roll in romance, and partly because I'd want you to know I'm aware of the dynamicójust a subtle little "thanksóI see and appreciate you." I'd also be grabbing groceries, asking if you need anything while I'm out, and so on.

    At the risk of generalization, this seems to be a thing with millennials. By which I mean: everything is dutch, tallied, perhaps connected to some misguided lust for independence. A meal for a meal, a drink for a drink, a tube of toothpaste for a tube of toothpaste. It's kind of limited, not super conducive to romantic vibes.

    Guess the thing to do is have a nice, gentle chat. Make it about the groceries, about the gas, and see if he becomes a little more aware and, in the process, a little more active? That said, even the gentlest chat on these grounds starts veering really close to teaching and scolding, so tread lightly. He just might not have the kind of awareness that you do on such matters, or the same values, and you'll have to appreciate what he does offeróor, well, start wondering if it's enough.

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