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How to reply to this email?


Eliza50

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I've posted about this friend before. Childhoold friend, we had lost touch for 30 years, reconnected last summer and she had been acting in a strange way (cancelling plans at the last minute, not returning phonecalls but acting as if everything was fine the next time we talked).

 

My last post about her was in January. This part is the important one.

 

We agreed on Saturday afternoon and we would go eat something after the movie. She did say something like ''but remind me about it because you know what I'm like''. I said look, are we going or not? We can do it another time if you're not sure you can make it. She insisted that of course we were going. I said ok, I'll call you Saturday morning to fix the time.

 

So, I called her at home Saturday morning. Nothing. I tried her cell phone. She didn't pick up. So, I sent her a text message saying I can't reach you, call me when you can. Well, she never replied, never called and we never met.

 

So, she reappears today. 2 months later. With this email:

 

Hey Eliza, where have you been? If I don't contact you first, you forget about me. Would you like to go to so and so club tomorrow? The owners are friends of mine.

 

I definitely don't want to go to that club or anywhere with her after the way she's treated me but I, also, don't want her to think she can behave the way she did and then turn around and say I'm the one who's disappeaered.

 

How would you reply?

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What is your goal? Do you want to end the friendship? Or do you want to continue but have her know that there are reasons that you haven’t reached out?

 

This person is flakey. Are you prepared to accept the flakey? Don’t expect this to change in any way.

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What is your goal? Do you want to end the friendship? Or do you want to continue but have her know that there are reasons that you haven’t reached out?

 

This person is flakey. Are you prepared to accept the flakey? Don’t expect this to change in any way.

 

I don't want a friendship with her. Exactly because she's so flakey.

 

But, on the other hand, since we've reconnected, we've met with other old friends, too, and we'll all be vacationing at the same place this summer, (not in the same house but it's a small place and we'll be meeting each other all the time) so, I'm trying to find a way to phrase the email in a polite way.

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I don't want a friendship with her. Exactly because she's so flakey.

 

But, on the other hand, since we've reconnected, we've met with other old friends, too, and we'll all be vacationing at the same place this summer, (not in the same house but it's a small place and we'll be meeting each other all the time) so, I'm trying to find a way to phrase the email in a polite way.

 

Ah, ok. You want to get your message across without burning bridges. Got it.

 

So - in your shoes, I would use mildly passive-aggressive humor.

 

“What? Lol! I contact you sometimes... but you totally flaked on the movie! Lol!

 

Anyways - thank you for the invite but unfortunately I’m busy tomorrow night. Maybe another time”

 

... and then just keep being “busy”/ don’t contact her first.

 

If she hasn’t contacted you in 2 months, she doesn’t sound clingy at least. A bit of “busy-ness” should do it.

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Hey Eliza, where have you been? If I don't contact you first, you forget about me. Would you like to go to so and so club tomorrow? The owners are friends of mine.

 

"No, I don't think I'm the one doing the forgetting. You blew me off when we last made plans, and while I adore you, that's not something I'll set myself up for again. I hope you have a great time at the club."

 

If she replies trying to write it off as nothing, I'd say, "Thanks for thinking of me, but no thanks. You can let me know if you're ever done with the flake routine and are sincerely sorry for how you treated me. Otherwise, I will always wish the best for you, but I'll love you from far away."

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She doesn't seem to care about what you'll think of her with her dig to you, so I'm assuming her skin is thick enough to handle a bit of pushback. Since that's the case, you can be honest and it shouldn't be too awkward when you see her in the summer. If it were me, I'd probably call her, but regardless if you call or e-mail, I'd say: I think it's unfair to say I forget about you. We made firm plans for a movie and in this day and age with cell phone calendar reminders or paper calendars where you keep track of a busy life, there's no excuse for forgetting a get-together. Since my time wasn't valued, without an explanation or apology, I assumed our friendship wasn't valued either. (I wouldn't even give her any answer to her invite and leave it at that. Good luck.)

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I don't want a friendship with her. Exactly because she's so flakey.

 

But, on the other hand, since we've reconnected, we've met with other old friends, too, and we'll all be vacationing at the same place this summer, (not in the same house but it's a small place and we'll be meeting each other all the time) so, I'm trying to find a way to phrase the email in a polite way.

 

What are the chances that she'll actually show up at the vacation place? She doesn't sound like someone I would bank on to come up with her share of the rent.

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I hate people who flake on me last minute all the time. It's actually one of the things that bothers me the most. I've had "friends" like that but mostly men. And then when I'd communicate that I don't like that they do it, they'd gaslight me playing it off as if it wasn't a big deal and I was overreacting. The only thing that works with these people is stop engaging with them and move on. I still don't understand why you bother about this woman and are so worried about what she'll think of you or what to answer to her e-mails. You're not friends anymore, you've grown apart. I suggest catfeeder's approach and then disengage and stop communicating with her. Simple.

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A polite no thank you, then stop responding to the emails.

 

Yes, or maybe what Catfeeder suggested. And I made plans for over 20 years before email and without a cell phone for over 30 years -people who are well-intentioned and thoughtful keep the plan absent an emergency (and yes emergencies are easier to handle now because of cell phones, been there done that).

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I would respond with any of the responses you've received thus far here.

 

Something that lets her know that you recognize that she didn't contact you last time, so that you make her aware that that can't just be brushed off. But in a cordial enough way as to not burn any bridges for your social circle.

 

Remember, anything we put in writing is there forever.

 

My now ex-friend that I wrote about a few months ago who treated me poorly, did the same thing to another mutual friend. That friend sent her an aggressive, mean, long text about her displeasure, so guess what the bad friend did? She showed that text to everybody. So now, the one who looks bad was the one who was actually mistreated. Lesson: Nothing in writing!

 

My response would be:

"Thank you so much for the offer, but I'm busy right now. I was so looking forward to our last outing of the movie, but since I hadn't heard back from you, I figure you were not interested in getting together. Have a great day!"

 

I would just send that, period.

 

She sounds like she has a passive-aggressive thing going. She tells you that you need to remind her of your planned outing, because, well, "you know how she is". And when she doesn't respond, she says that she never hears from you unless she initiates it. So watch out for her; she's dangerous.

 

This, I bet, is largely one of the reasons you fell out with her 30 years ago.

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Outside of Alzheimer's dementia, booze-related blackouts, and brain damage, there are no good reasons to not respond to a call/email/text message barrage from a friend one has made plans with.

 

Ghosting then reappearing and pointing a finger?

 

Put this friend back in the place she was for 30 years.

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I wouldn't bother responding at all.

 

She doesn't sound like she's prepared to take any accountability for her rude behaviour so I would simply stop all communication with her. It's not worth the hassle and she's shown you time and again that she doesn't particularly give a fig about you anyway.

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Thanks everyone for the advice.

 

What happened was that while I was still thinking about my reply, she sent me a text message asking 'where are youuuuuu' I replied I'm at work and she texted back 'are you mad at me? have you read my email?'.

 

So, I emailed her right there and then saying I just read your email, thank you but I've already made plans for Saturday and I added 'and by the way, I never disappeared, you did back in January when we were supposed to go to the theatre and you didn't respond to my phonecalls/text messages. Enjoy the club tomorrow'.

 

She asked when I'd go home, I said in a couple of hours, she said she'd call me to talk.

 

She never did.

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Thanks everyone for the advice.

 

What happened was that while I was still thinking about my reply, she sent me a text message asking 'where are youuuuuu' I replied I'm at work and she texted back 'are you mad at me? have you read my email?'.

 

So, I emailed her right there and then saying I just read your email, thank you but I've already made plans for Saturday and I added 'and by the way, I never disappeared, you did back in January when we were supposed to go to the theatre and you didn't respond to my phonecalls/text messages. Enjoy the club tomorrow'.

 

She asked when I'd go home, I said in a couple of hours, she said she'd call me to talk.

 

She never did.

 

Perfect response!

 

This way, when you see her in social groups, you can be cordial and polite, with as little awkwardness as possible.

 

If you had zero friends in common, I'd have told you to ignore her, but I know how that is, with similar social circles. I have an extremely similar situation right now, and mine, too, is a 30 year friendship. Everything is cordial and polite, and any texts or emails are responded to with as little information as I can give without being outright rude, and without encouraging further participation socially.

 

You did the right thing.

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... in this day and age with cell phone calendar reminders or paper calendars where you keep track of a busy life, there's no excuse for forgetting a get-together. Since my time wasn't valued, without an explanation or apology, I assumed our friendship wasn't valued either.

 

This is a great point. Even if she forgot, she wouldn't respond to your calls or messages, correct? That's a deliberate blowoff.

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