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Thread: Why do I feel this way........

  1. #1

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    Why do I feel this way........

    This is a long story, but I suppose you need my background in order to understand my feeling and thoughts.

    I have been seeing a woman for the past 3 months, let’s call her Sally! We met about 5 years ago while working together, we got on great and it was clear we were both attracted to each other but unfortunately Sally and I had ongoing personal issue that would make a relationship almost impossible. I then moved onto another job but we kept in touch for a number of years where unfortunately we then lost contact as we both had a lot going on in our own lives. Happily though during the month of August 2018 I started a new job and while walking to work one morning Sally and I bumped into each other on the street and the spark was instant and we both knew it.
    We started talking again and I found out she was single although I was in the middle of a break-up but even so she emailed me her number and we talked over the phone for a week or so. We then decided to meet up outside of work. On Sunday the 20th January we meet for coffee where discussed each other’s lives after we lost contact. We both felt very comfortable around each other as we chatted away happily laughing and joking about old times.
    We then left Starbucks, turned to face each other and we kissed, held each other tight and it felt amazing!! As we walked away we both turned back at the same time and smiled ear to ear, this was the moment I knew she was the one that I had been waiting for all these years.

    So let me explain the reason why our relationship would not have worked when we met first.
    Sally was in a relationship for 7 years, sadly her fiancé passed away from Cancer and as you can imagine this was devastating for her. I lost my Mam to Cancer so I can relate to how it feels, it’s simply heart-breaking so for Sally getting into a new relationship was not an option. Also at the time I was in a relationship for about 7 years where my GF had a son that had turned out of control, Police, Social workers etc. were all involved & eventually I left the relationship by choice, I no longer loved her and no matter how many times her son beat her up she would push me away and take his side. We had a son together ( Now 7) so I could see where she was coming from but I didn’t have to be there to take the blame so I made sure my son was safe and I moved out!!
    After nearly 2 years I met my now ex-girlfriend Emma, She was the “Dream Girl” She had stunning looks, a perfect figure and was very popular amongst friends and work colleagues. She was an Air Hostess and came from a very respectable family and area so I thought I had hit the jackpot, little did I know it was going to be more of a nightmare.
    She turned into a complete diva! Her OCD was over the top in regards to everything and living with her was hard work. She wanted everything her way and if I was out with friends etc. she wanted to know who what why where and when every hour. She would cry and throw tantrums when I travelled with work etc. but I stayed and worked hard to the relationship going. To cut the story short she fell pregnant twice, both occasions 10 August 17 & 25 September 18 she went into labour without me knowing and told me the babies had heart defects and died! To this day I have no pictures, no birth or death cert and no clear cut explanation and due to the current laws in Ireland I have no legal rights to my son & Daughters records!!

    So again I ended the relationship and moved on………
    I was hurt at a young age after a girl I was seeing cheated on me and it really hurt a lot so after that I joined the Army, hardened up and went on with life not caring and not getting hurt and it worked. My love life and personal life was a nightmare even when I was in the Army but I stayed strong and kept going even after I had lost my Mam who was my rock and my go to person for everything. I let nothing get me down and I was happy……until Emma broke my heart. No amount of Army training or discipline can prepare you for a situation where your children disappear off the face off the planet.
    I had lost 2 babies and I was depressed, suffering with severe anxiety, missing my Mam and taking cocaine every weekend to supress it all and escape reality……….



    Sally knows all of the above, she went through similar experiences so she knows how I felt! While we were seeing each other my ex was still moving out, I was in the spare room and kept out of her way as much as possible and even though my ex was causing havoc causing havoc Sally stood by me, listen to me and supported me.
    So why you ask did I start seeing Sally so soon after leaving Emma? Well I have learned the hard what that life is short and can be horrible, so if I have the chance to be happy with Sally then I’m grabbing that chance with both hands!

    Sally is stunning, beautiful figure, long slim legs and a smile that melts me every time. She wears dark clothing, has black hair and dark blue eyes and to me she is perfect in every way. Her personality is electric yet down to earth and very supportive and understanding. She loves cuddling on the couch and as for the sex that’s out of this world. We have both said how weird it is that were now together as we’ve always been friends and though that a relationship was never possible yet at the same time we’re so comfortable around each other it’s as if we have been a couple for years. She was seeing a few people here and there but to her this is very new as she has opened up to me in a way she has never done before and I have done the same. I adore her, I think about her 24/7 and I have feelings for her that I have never felt before…….So its sound like the perfect relationship and it is, I can see myself and Sally lasting as very very long time and I’m excited about our future together.

    But there is one problem, me!!


    Next post...........

  2. #2

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    I travelled a lot whilst in a relationship with Emma. I would be away for 3 or four weeks at a time with the odd weekend free to fly home and see Emma & my Son. I was fine, I missed them both but I was not upset, I was not depressed etc. and I was very happy.
    I would call Emma and my Son in the mornings and depending on my day I may not speak to them all day or maybe until the next day unless of course there was an emergency etc.

    However with Sally it’s completely different…….. The second I leave her side I miss her constantly to a point where my anxiety kicks in and it hurts emotionally and it melts my head as to why I feel this way, I know my feelings for her are a lot stronger than with Emma at this point but how can I leave Emma and my son for weeks on end yet miss Sally this much? I have told her how I feel and again she was very supportive and understanding, she did admit she is a little freaked out by my feelings however she said it’s because a relationship of this level is new to her and I understand that completely.

    I stayed over in her house on Tuesday night, myself, Sally and her Daughter (let’s call her Mary) had dinner and relaxed for the night. I get on great with Mary, she is really nice and down to earth and she is also excepting her first child so it’s all very exciting and the fact Sally is a mother it will be easier for both of us when she meets my son, which I am very excited and very much looking forward too.
    She flew out Wednesday just gone to see her family and friends abroad and I am due to fly out tomorrow to meet them and spend some quality time with her. I’m very excited about our trip and she has told me she is very much look looking forward to spending a few days with me. I cried when my Mam and babies passed away, apart from that I never really cried and got hurt over any other girl yet on Wednesday morning I had tears in my eye’s leaving Sally. Why? I’ll see her in a few days I thought to myself and I’ll spend 4 glorious days with her and in my head that sounds amazing but my feelings are different!!

    I feel down, sad, hurt, anxious and its doing my ing head in because I am never ever like this and I don’t no why I feel this way and I can’t control it like I use too!! She was out drinking last night until 2:30 and when I asked her to call me this morning she said she would call me later? Heck Emma done this all the time until the early hours and she would call until that evening but once I knew she was safe I didn’t think or blink an eye at it!
    So again why does Sally being out till 2:30 and not calling me this morning hurt me and make me anxious, In my head I know it’s all perfectly normal and she is a very trust worthy person and has made it clear she wants this relationship to work and I trust her 100% so again why do I feel this way??

    I’m afraid to tell her all this in case it frightens her away and I lose the chance to be with the girl who I’ve dreamed about for so long! Don’t get me wrong I’m so happy we’re together, it’s bliss every day and I feel like the luckiest guy on the planet to have such a great & gorgeous girl……………So why do I feel so sad and down when I am not around here, I really can’t understand any of it but I’ll be dammed if I will let it affect us as she is the one I want to be with and nothing will stop or change that.

    Thanks for reading.

    Ps please excuse and grammar or spelling errors, hard to express all of this in writing!

    Mick

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Why couldn't you make it work with the mother of your son? Just curious, but onto your question.

    It's the honeymoon period where there's a lot of feelings on hyperdrive, both positive and negative, that will settle if the relationship lasts and progresses into a more mellow state of being. When not together, fill your time with other things like spending time with your son, spending time with guy friends and hobbies/interests, and being innovative at work.

    She's a grown woman who I assume knows about safety when going out for the evening, so you should assume she'll still be alive and not ask for that confirmation. You've already begun this relationship at an inopportune time, so don't make it worse by progressing this relationship far faster than the normal pace. Introducing children shouldn't even happen until way past the 6 month mark, when there is confidence the relationship will be a long term one. You can't determine that within the honeymoon period. Even though you've know her as a friend for a long time, being a romantic partner is far different and it takes a good year to really know if a person will be a good long term partner or not.

    You need to have a fulfilling life BESIDES having a partner, because she should be someone to share your joy with, not be the sole source of your joy. In that way, you will be upset if a break up happens, but it won't be total devastation. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Try to get into therapy and focus on these things:
    Originally Posted by Kwackerjack
    I had lost 2 babies and I was depressed, suffering with severe anxiety, missing my Mam and taking cocaine every weekend to supress it all and escape reality……….

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Okay, so the timeline was a little hard to follow because you kinda jumped around a bit, but here’s what I’ve gathered.

    You’ve been seeing Sally for 3 months, and it seems to be at least semi-long distance due to work/traveling. You’re comparing your feelings for Sally, and Sally herself, to what you had with Emma. And you’ve met Sally’s daughter (!) but she’s not yet met your son, and she’s voiced that your feelings have made her a bit leery. You say you know she’s the one you want to be with.

    So if I have that correctly, you need to slow WAY down. You can’t possibly know enough at this point to decide whether she’s the one for you, you haven’t even lived with her yet. She wants to date you and you want an insta-family. The reason why you feel anxiety (!) when you’re away from her is because ITS BEEN THREE MONTHS. You haven’t had time to build a solid foundation yet. It’s like trying to build a house on a concrete pad that hasn’t even dried yet.

    I get that your feelings are strong and you’re excited to like someone so much, but if you continue at this pace, you ARE going to scare her off. Why are you in such a rush? If you’re right, and she is the one for you, then she’ll still be there in a few years, so make this honeymoon last as long as you can and enjoy it. Life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon.

  7. #6
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    "I met my now ex-girlfriend Emma, She was the “Dream Girl” She had stunning looks, a perfect figure and was very popular amongst friends and work colleagues. "

    "Sally is stunning, beautiful figure, long slim legs and a smile that melts me every time. She wears dark clothing, has black hair and dark blue eyes and to me she is perfect in every way."


    I know you also mention personality, but do you think you focus primarily on looks? If you do, why is that?

  8. #7

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    Andrina: I did try my best to make it work with the mother of my son but unfortunately things got out of hand with her older son. she was attacked by him several times when I was out and it got to a stage where the social services stepped in. no matter what I done I was always seen as the enemy and he got away with everything in the end I was actually advised by the social services and the police to leave the relationship and let them deal with the trouble. Shortly after her son was taken into care by the social services and he remains there.

    I agree with everything you say and she won't be meeting my son until they're already to do so. I met her daughter for a number of reasons won't because her daughter is 21 and I met her some years ago as she was in my job doing work experience so she knew who I was it was just a case of her knowing that me and her mother were in a relationship


    Wiseman2 : Thankfully I haven't taken any drugs in a few months and prior to the death of my children I never touch the stuff however I will be seeing a therapist soon to speak about all aspects of my life.

    Boltnrun: No it is not all about looks, personality is a big thing for me. Sally has a very easy going and bubbly personality but at the same time she can be very open minded, compassionate, down-to-earth and understanding and that's what I like most about her.

    my reason for speaking here today is out of all the relationships I've ever been in this has never happened to me before so I simply don't know how to control or walk through the feelings


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