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Constant cycle of him breaking my trust


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Hi everyone,

This post is a bit personal and I’ve never talked about this with anyone before. I don’t feel like anyone I know in person will help in this situation. Me and my boyfriend have been together for two and a half years, and we are currently first years at university.

At the start, he regularly watched porn and that was okay as we didn’t live together. But when I moved in with him, I said I wasn’t comfortable with it as I would only be a room away. He agreed that he should stop.

 

Without fail, every single 3/6 months, he goes back on this. For some reason I would be on his phone (always for a reason, never to snoop), and there would be suggestions in his search bar that caught my eye. So id go into his history and see all the porn/sexual images he’s been looking online. After confronting him, it’s always the same explanation. He looks at these things because he’s bored, maybe in the bathroom, he’s sorry, he didn’t think about my feelings in the moment.

 

As it’s happened more and more, this explanation loses its effect. Every 3/6 months I’m crying in front of him telling him how it really hurts my feelings. I tell him it’s not the act of doing it, it’s the lying and hiding. I always tell him that if he gets the urge, to tell me about it. Or if he has actually done it, to tell me about it. He’s never once done that, but I always find out he’s been looking at these things behind my back.

 

It makes me feel self conscious because we live together every day, he sees me get changed and go for showers and normal things that boyfriends see. Then, behind my back he’s looking at girls who are better or different to me in all kinds of ways. How is that meant to make me feel, when he sees me regularly, but likes to look at these things online more.

 

I don’t know how much longer I can take this. After two and a half years of this happening over and over again, I’ve almost completely lost trust. It always happens when I only just forget about it and move on, then I see it again.

 

We have made commitments to each other. We’re in a student accommodation block right now and cannot leave early or we’d have to move home and leave uni. Next year we’re moving into a flat with roommates, we can’t duck out or they’d be screwed. I love him more than anything, but he just keeps betraying my trust.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you

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Without fail, every single 3/6 months, he goes back on this. For some reason I would be on his phone (always for a reason, never to snoop), and there would be suggestions in his search bar that caught my eye. So id go into his history and see all the porn/sexual images he’s been looking online.

 

Just a note, going into his history is snooping.

 

It makes me feel self conscious because we live together every day, he sees me get changed and go for showers and normal things that boyfriends see. Then, behind my back he’s looking at girls who are better or different to me in all kinds of ways. How is that meant to make me feel, when he sees me regularly, but likes to look at these things online more.

 

Is it that he is looking at the porn, or is it that he is rubbing one out without you knowing that is making you self conscious?

I ask because they are two totally different things. If his looking at girls you consider prettier, then there is an issue of you comparing yourself to other people and it is affecting your self-esteem. You should be happy enough in yourself that if he glances at a 'pretty' girl it doesn't set your heckles up.

 

More than likely he is looking at it so he can 'sort himself out' in the bathroom, for whatever reason. He is allowed to. Is your sex-life less, is he doing it instead of having sex with you, or in addition to? More often than not a guy will do it for a release, and he has every right to, it's his body and only he has ownship of it. It's when he would rather masterbate than have sex when it becomes an issue.

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No offense, but you are kind of doing it to yourself at this point.

 

He likes porn. He has proven - over and over again that he’s going to watch porn. No matter how bad he feels when he gets “caught”. No matter what he says or promises you. The guy likes porn. He’s going to watch it.

 

I think you just need to drop this illusion that it’s going to stop. It won’t.

 

A cat will always be a cat - no matter how much it wants to be a rabbit or promises to be one.

 

So... what are you going to do about it?

 

Either you need to come to a place of acceptance that this is something that he does or break up. You can’t control the actions of someone else, no matter how much you scream or cry.

 

Btw - personally, in your shoes, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to simply accept. (Depending on who you are, your values, etc). In no way is that porn “better” than you. Those images and videos are not real. They are not human. They can’t love. They don’t provide hugs or friendship or support or anything, really. They are single-purpose images for a quick release. You are a 3-dimensional human being. Personally, I know i’m much more than boobs and a butt. I don’t think that looking at those images are any reflection of his levels of attraction to you, etc. I don’t know... to be honest, I don’t get worked up about these things unless it interferes with your sex life or something.

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@Keyman In essence it’s got nothing to do with the porn, it’s the boundaries set within a relationship. At the start, we agreed that for us in our relationship, the other person watching porn was not okay with either of us.

 

The thing that bothers me is the lying and hiding. Him going off into the bathroom to look at it, him waiting for me to go to sleep to look at it. I’ve said to him that if he does it, fine, just tell me. I’d rather know than him be sneaky behind my back.

 

I have 0 self esteem issues, I love what I look like, but when you have a boyfriend who sees you daily, how is it meant to make me feel when he does that? I can be sitting on the bed in my underwear, and he’ll go to the bathroom and look at other girls.

 

I don’t think you quite understand the feelings and emotions behind this issue. It might seem like a “waah wahh im ugly he gets off to other girls” but trust me, it’s not. If he was honest, it’d be fine with me. It’s the lying and hiding after boundaries have been set time and time again. It’s the fact that every time he’ll promise he’ll never do it again, and he always does.

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@RedDress thank you this is more helpful than the previous reply. I’d just wish he’d be honest with me when I tell him that is okay, rather than lie. I don’t expect him to change, I just want some honesty

 

... but... you aren’t really being trustworthy about it?

 

If you’ve been in front of him crying about porn every 3-6 months, it’s reasonable for him to think you’ll freak out if he tells you he’s going to go watch porn.

 

... and I’m not sure the value in that anyways? It’s totally awkward? “Hey Honey, I’m going to go rub one out, ok?”. Or “hey - btw - this afternoon I went to the store, met up with Jack, came home, masturbated, went out to get a sandwich, etc ”. Are you hoping to hijack and control the behavior or say “no - come be with me instead”?

 

It feels totally controlling and violating to need this info. And i’m not sure what you intend to do with it or what purpose it would serve?

 

He watches porn. Just assume he’s watching it on occasion.

 

I think your request for this info is unreasonable and points to your having anxiety over it.

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Unfortunately this is what happens when you try to control each other this much. Most people do not come out and announce that they are going off to masturbate, that too is silly. As silly as making rules and engaging in unhealthy levels of controlling behavior. How it makes you feel is all about you. Perhaps he's using discretion to avoid hurting your feelings and because of this silly "not ok" rule.

we agreed that for us in our relationship, the other person watching porn was not okay with either of us.

 

I’ve said to him that if he does it, fine, just tell me.

 

how is it meant to make me feel when he does that?.

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I tell him it’s not the act of doing it, it’s the lying and hiding. I always tell him that if he gets the urge, to tell me about it.

 

This makes no sense. You've already told him that you don't want him to do it, so why would he tell you when he wants to do it? You've dug a hole for yourself.

 

Either you want to keep this guy in your life despite his porn, or you don't want to live with that and would rather move on to find a relationship with a guy who's not interested in porn. If you want to keep him, stop snooping in his phone and cultivate the relationship at face value. Otherwise, you're going to keep yourself miserable, and he'll get tired of you taking him down with you. He's not going to stop the porn.

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@wiseman2

 

I am not in anyway suggesting a casual “brb going to masterbate”, but to tell me the truth in situations like these. You may call it silly but it’s a common thing for relationships to have boundaries such a this. I will probably never be okay with it, because I don’t have the capacity to just accept it. Unfortunately I don’t work like that. Every time me and my boyfriend discuss this, he still tells me that we should have this boundary. Therefore all I want him to be honest about is when he has gone back on this, in a way of “I’m sorry I broke your trust”

 

 

Another thing no one seems to understand is that we are around each other nearly 24/7. We live together at uni. We don’t have jobs. We’re maybe apart for 1/2 hours for a lecture but there is no “how was your day” because we’ve seen each other all day. That’s what makes this hurtful. We live in a studio apartment, with our bedroom/living room/dining room/kitchen/desks all in the same small space. We have a bathroom but it’s got a slide door that doesn’t lock. We are in such close proximity everyday, which makes it strange.

 

And @reddress no I am not trying for it to be that casual or to “intercept” it. You are not seeing what I am trying to say. It’s not about the porn, it’s about betraying boundaries and being honest when you have done so.

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Have you considered getting a dorm room/house share with female students? This way you could make rules about bathroom use, privacy, etc without attempting to micromanage people sexually.

 

He's not cheating. Being exclusive is all you should control. Your arrangement sounds suffocating, stifling and very unhealthy. Why can't you get out of the apt? Don't either of you have friends, family, interests, sports, hobbies, etc.?

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Ok... so... no offense, but I think you are upset and so you are not making a lot of sense.

 

I will give you a less emotionally charged analogy to illustrate.

 

Your bf? He likes ham sandwiches. You both agreed at the beginning of the relationship that ham sandwiches are bad and that you both won’t eat them.

 

Over the course of the last 2 years, every few months, you discover he’s eaten a ham sandwich. You fight about it. You argue about the health benefits of it. You cry about it. He agrees never to eat a ham sandwich again. Then, a few months later, you find out he’s eaten another one and it starts again.

 

So now - this is where you are getting confusing. You are saying “I understand he likes ham sandwiches and I don’t want him to change. It’s about the lies”. But you are ALSO admitting that you’ll never be ok with the ham sandwiches. So you want him to tell you about every ham sandwich so that you can be hurt about it.

 

No one wants to repeatedly hurt their partner.

 

I think you WANT to be reasonable about it by saying “I don’t want him to change, it’s not about the ham sandwiches” - but it’s totally about the ham sandwiches. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t even think about what he’s eating. You don’t want to be hurt repeatedly either. You want him to stop eating them

 

Your bf? He likes porn. No amount of talking about it and crying about it or monitoring it, etc. is going to change that. Either you have to accept it or break up with him.

 

This is also true of people who don’t want their partner to smoke but they are a smoker. Or people who want their partner to be vegetarian but they are not, etc.

 

You are dating a guy who likes porn. The way to stop hurting about it is to either accept that it is what it is or to break up.

 

I think the request of “please tell me about it so I can hurt about it” (and probably guilt-trip you about it?) is unreasonable.

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To most women, her man looking at porn feels like cheating. This is a fact. Are you with me guys?

 

He has to stop the porn. You can try counseling, but You may have to play hardball........... cut off sex or threaten to leave him.......and when I say threaten to leave, I mean walk out of the house for hours or days, even weeks and stay with friends/family/hotel. It's called tough love.

 

Look, relationships take work - not looking at other girls/porn is part of that work. In life, you have to give up something to get something, there is no free lunch.

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In your first post, you said when you started living together, you were not comfortable with it, and I suppose to appease you, he agreed to stop.

 

Now you're saying you are ok with it, but it's his dishonesty that troubles you?

 

So which is it? This makes no sense.

 

I think you need to start being honest with yourself.

 

You don't like it, period, it has nothing to do with him being dishonest as the only reason he was dishonest is because he knows you don't approve! And he wanted to avoid being hassled about it.

 

You made that very clear.

 

Bottom line, he's not going to stop, he will on try harder to hide it from you.

 

My bf and I actually watch porn together, it actually enhances our sex life sometimes, but not gonna judge you for not liking it. Many women feel as you do.

 

My advice is instead of insisting he be honest, and getting hassled about it, YOU start being honest and own the fact you just don't like it.

 

All you can do is either take steps to open up your mind, stop taking it so personally and accept that he enjoys it, as 99% of the male population do, or leave and find another guy. From the 1% that's left.

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"If you don't do what I want I am going to withhold sex and/or leave you until you do what I want".

 

Yeah, not conducive to a healthy, respectful relationship. OP, I hope you don't go that route.

 

I will say that history has shown he will continue to watch porn despite your feelings about it. So, it's up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker. If it is, there is no option but to leave the relationship. The idea that "if he really loved me he'd stop" is unrealistic and not sustainable.

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Prediction: Some day you are going to be in a committed relationship with a man who occasionally looks at porn, laughing a bit about how, once upon a time, you used to think it was the ultimate relationship sin.

 

Maybe that relationship is with this man, maybe not.

 

Or, hey, maybe it's with a unicorn from that one percent of the population Katrina mentioned.

 

Still, I stand by my prediction.

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@wiseman2

Every time me and my boyfriend discuss this, he still tells me that we should have this boundary. Therefore all I want him to be honest about is when he has gone back on this, in a way of “I’m sorry I broke your trust”

 

You are going to 'parent' this guy right out of your life.

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I see this more as not being compatible. I see the BF's point of view, and I also see the OP's.

 

I used to be in OP's situation and I hated it. I don't feel my ex was a dishonest person really. I just think we were better off apart, like that was a symptom of bigger things that we saw differently. Was it any of my business if he watched porn? No, not really. Just being honest. Now, with my current husband, I wouldn't care if he watched porn because he has never given me anything to be insecure about. This is why I think it's more a matter of not being compatible.

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Agree. You are treating him like an appalled uptight mommy who found her 13 y/o boy masturbating and wants to chide him for having sexuality. You are too joined at the hip. This lack of adult autonomy is a relationship/romance killer. Maybe he goes off to masturbate to get away from you and relieve the stress you create with immature expectations.

You are going to 'parent' this guy right out of your life.
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  • 1 month later...

I think both of you are in the wrong to be honest. You said at the start you were okay with him looking at porn, then you weren't. He probably went a long with it because he didn't feel comfortable telling you no, which is not okay, but I get it. You said you cried to him over it and that just reinforces that his habbit makes you upset and that he needs to hide it. As a woman, I feel porn is a very normal thing. I bust my boyfriends balls over his porn whenever he accidentally leaves it open (Like asking him "so did you enjoy those creampies last night?" Or something to that degree.) But that being said, not everyone is comfortable with porn in their relationship and thats okay.

 

As long as both parties are on the same page. Which you both clearly are not. I'll be honest here, you have absolutely zero right to tell him what he can and can not do, only what you are comfortable with him doing and it's his choice what he does with that information. I can't tell without actually talking to the guy, but it sounds like he enjoys porn every now and again (it spices things up, and sometimes sex is just a chore. Masturbation is extremely healthy too.) but he also cares about you and wants to hold up to your expectations. What I personally would do is try and have a calm sit down, tell him you're not comfortable with porn, but you need to know his true stance in it so you both can work towards a solution. How does he feel about you watching porn (for arguements sake, say you do partake) and if he jealous over the idea, then that's double standards and has no place in a relationship. If he says he's okay with it, then he simply has different views than you on pornography in a relationship and you, in turn, will have to consider if that's something you can learn to live with (provided he's honest about it. Lying shouldn't be tolerated) or if you need to find someone else with similar values.

 

Edit: Also, you shouldn't expect him to tell you every single time he goes off to enjoy porn. If he WANTS to tell you, okay, but otherwise you need to respect his boundaries. Even the closest relationships need a little bit of privacy.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I have to say that it seems he was pretty up front from the beginning that he likes to watch porn. Everyone has different sexual needs, and this seems to be his. It's simple in my mind, except him for who he is, flaws and all, or move on. If you want to make a lasting relationship you have to decide not only if you can put up with these "flaws", but also embrace it as part of who he is and how it's going to be. You can't make a person change. At least he seems to respect your feelings enough to look at it when you are not present. It's the little gestures that make all the difference sometimes.

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