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Thread: Constant cycle of him breaking my trust

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you considered getting a dorm room/house share with female students? This way you could make rules about bathroom use, privacy, etc without attempting to micromanage people sexually.

    He's not cheating. Being exclusive is all you should control. Your arrangement sounds suffocating, stifling and very unhealthy. Why can't you get out of the apt? Don't either of you have friends, family, interests, sports, hobbies, etc.?

  2. #12
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    I don't think you are going to get the answer you are looking for here. You are being insecure.

    Trust me, if this is the most you worry about in your relationship, you have a lot to be grateful for.

    If it's a dealbreaker, then separate. I don't see him changing.

  3. #13
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    Ok... so... no offense, but I think you are upset and so you are not making a lot of sense.

    I will give you a less emotionally charged analogy to illustrate.

    Your bf? He likes ham sandwiches. You both agreed at the beginning of the relationship that ham sandwiches are bad and that you both wonít eat them.

    Over the course of the last 2 years, every few months, you discover heís eaten a ham sandwich. You fight about it. You argue about the health benefits of it. You cry about it. He agrees never to eat a ham sandwich again. Then, a few months later, you find out heís eaten another one and it starts again.

    So now - this is where you are getting confusing. You are saying ďI understand he likes ham sandwiches and I donít want him to change. Itís about the liesĒ. But you are ALSO admitting that youíll never be ok with the ham sandwiches. So you want him to tell you about every ham sandwich so that you can be hurt about it.

    No one wants to repeatedly hurt their partner.

    I think you WANT to be reasonable about it by saying ďI donít want him to change, itís not about the ham sandwichesĒ - but itís totally about the ham sandwiches. If you didnít care, you wouldnít even think about what heís eating. You donít want to be hurt repeatedly either. You want him to stop eating them

    Your bf? He likes porn. No amount of talking about it and crying about it or monitoring it, etc. is going to change that. Either you have to accept it or break up with him.

    This is also true of people who donít want their partner to smoke but they are a smoker. Or people who want their partner to be vegetarian but they are not, etc.

    You are dating a guy who likes porn. The way to stop hurting about it is to either accept that it is what it is or to break up.

    I think the request of ďplease tell me about it so I can hurt about itĒ (and probably guilt-trip you about it?) is unreasonable.

  4. #14
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    To most women, her man looking at porn feels like cheating. This is a fact. Are you with me guys?

    He has to stop the porn. You can try counseling, but You may have to play hardball........... cut off sex or threaten to leave him.......and when I say threaten to leave, I mean walk out of the house for hours or days, even weeks and stay with friends/family/hotel. It's called tough love.

    Look, relationships take work - not looking at other girls/porn is part of that work. In life, you have to give up something to get something, there is no free lunch.

  5.  

  6. #15
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    'If someone breaks your boundaries over and over and over ....just break up, right?'

    ________

    What, break up because bloke watches porn every now and then? You can't be serious surely?

  7. #16
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    In your first post, you said when you started living together, you were not comfortable with it, and I suppose to appease you, he agreed to stop.

    Now you're saying you are ok with it, but it's his dishonesty that troubles you?

    So which is it? This makes no sense.

    I think you need to start being honest with yourself.

    You don't like it, period, it has nothing to do with him being dishonest as the only reason he was dishonest is because he knows you don't approve! And he wanted to avoid being hassled about it.

    You made that very clear.

    Bottom line, he's not going to stop, he will on try harder to hide it from you.

    My bf and I actually watch porn together, it actually enhances our sex life sometimes, but not gonna judge you for not liking it. Many women feel as you do.

    My advice is instead of insisting he be honest, and getting hassled about it, YOU start being honest and own the fact you just don't like it.

    All you can do is either take steps to open up your mind, stop taking it so personally and accept that he enjoys it, as 99% of the male population do, or leave and find another guy. From the 1% that's left.

  8. #17
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    "If you don't do what I want I am going to withhold sex and/or leave you until you do what I want".

    Yeah, not conducive to a healthy, respectful relationship. OP, I hope you don't go that route.

    I will say that history has shown he will continue to watch porn despite your feelings about it. So, it's up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker. If it is, there is no option but to leave the relationship. The idea that "if he really loved me he'd stop" is unrealistic and not sustainable.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Prediction: Some day you are going to be in a committed relationship with a man who occasionally looks at porn, laughing a bit about how, once upon a time, you used to think it was the ultimate relationship sin.

    Maybe that relationship is with this man, maybe not.

    Or, hey, maybe it's with a unicorn from that one percent of the population Katrina mentioned.

    Still, I stand by my prediction.

  10. #19
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    Well, he's a 20 year old guy with a lot of interests.
    i dont see why this is a trust issue, tho.. he isnt sleeping with other women. Why is this such a big deal to you?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Anonymous248
    @wiseman2
    Every time me and my boyfriend discuss this, he still tells me that we should have this boundary. Therefore all I want him to be honest about is when he has gone back on this, in a way of ďIím sorry I broke your trustĒ
    You are going to 'parent' this guy right out of your life.

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