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Thread: Constant cycle of him breaking my trust

  1. #1

    Constant cycle of him breaking my trust

    Hi everyone,
    This post is a bit personal and Iíve never talked about this with anyone before. I donít feel like anyone I know in person will help in this situation. Me and my boyfriend have been together for two and a half years, and we are currently first years at university.
    At the start, he regularly watched porn and that was okay as we didnít live together. But when I moved in with him, I said I wasnít comfortable with it as I would only be a room away. He agreed that he should stop.

    Without fail, every single 3/6 months, he goes back on this. For some reason I would be on his phone (always for a reason, never to snoop), and there would be suggestions in his search bar that caught my eye. So id go into his history and see all the porn/sexual images heís been looking online. After confronting him, itís always the same explanation. He looks at these things because heís bored, maybe in the bathroom, heís sorry, he didnít think about my feelings in the moment.

    As itís happened more and more, this explanation loses its effect. Every 3/6 months Iím crying in front of him telling him how it really hurts my feelings. I tell him itís not the act of doing it, itís the lying and hiding. I always tell him that if he gets the urge, to tell me about it. Or if he has actually done it, to tell me about it. Heís never once done that, but I always find out heís been looking at these things behind my back.

    It makes me feel self conscious because we live together every day, he sees me get changed and go for showers and normal things that boyfriends see. Then, behind my back heís looking at girls who are better or different to me in all kinds of ways. How is that meant to make me feel, when he sees me regularly, but likes to look at these things online more.

    I donít know how much longer I can take this. After two and a half years of this happening over and over again, Iíve almost completely lost trust. It always happens when I only just forget about it and move on, then I see it again.

    We have made commitments to each other. Weíre in a student accommodation block right now and cannot leave early or weíd have to move home and leave uni. Next year weíre moving into a flat with roommates, we canít duck out or theyíd be screwed. I love him more than anything, but he just keeps betraying my trust.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Anonymous248

    Without fail, every single 3/6 months, he goes back on this. For some reason I would be on his phone (always for a reason, never to snoop), and there would be suggestions in his search bar that caught my eye. So id go into his history and see all the porn/sexual images heís been looking online.
    Just a note, going into his history is snooping.

    It makes me feel self conscious because we live together every day, he sees me get changed and go for showers and normal things that boyfriends see. Then, behind my back heís looking at girls who are better or different to me in all kinds of ways. How is that meant to make me feel, when he sees me regularly, but likes to look at these things online more.
    Is it that he is looking at the porn, or is it that he is rubbing one out without you knowing that is making you self conscious?
    I ask because they are two totally different things. If his looking at girls you consider prettier, then there is an issue of you comparing yourself to other people and it is affecting your self-esteem. You should be happy enough in yourself that if he glances at a 'pretty' girl it doesn't set your heckles up.

    More than likely he is looking at it so he can 'sort himself out' in the bathroom, for whatever reason. He is allowed to. Is your sex-life less, is he doing it instead of having sex with you, or in addition to? More often than not a guy will do it for a release, and he has every right to, it's his body and only he has ownship of it. It's when he would rather masterbate than have sex when it becomes an issue.

  3. #3
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    No offense, but you are kind of doing it to yourself at this point.

    He likes porn. He has proven - over and over again that heís going to watch porn. No matter how bad he feels when he gets ďcaughtĒ. No matter what he says or promises you. The guy likes porn. Heís going to watch it.

    I think you just need to drop this illusion that itís going to stop. It wonít.

    A cat will always be a cat - no matter how much it wants to be a rabbit or promises to be one.

    So... what are you going to do about it?

    Either you need to come to a place of acceptance that this is something that he does or break up. You canít control the actions of someone else, no matter how much you scream or cry.

    Btw - personally, in your shoes, I donít think itís unreasonable to simply accept. (Depending on who you are, your values, etc). In no way is that porn ďbetterĒ than you. Those images and videos are not real. They are not human. They canít love. They donít provide hugs or friendship or support or anything, really. They are single-purpose images for a quick release. You are a 3-dimensional human being. Personally, I know iím much more than boobs and a butt. I donít think that looking at those images are any reflection of his levels of attraction to you, etc. I donít know... to be honest, I donít get worked up about these things unless it interferes with your sex life or something.

  4. #4
    @Keyman In essence itís got nothing to do with the porn, itís the boundaries set within a relationship. At the start, we agreed that for us in our relationship, the other person watching porn was not okay with either of us.

    The thing that bothers me is the lying and hiding. Him going off into the bathroom to look at it, him waiting for me to go to sleep to look at it. Iíve said to him that if he does it, fine, just tell me. Iíd rather know than him be sneaky behind my back.

    I have 0 self esteem issues, I love what I look like, but when you have a boyfriend who sees you daily, how is it meant to make me feel when he does that? I can be sitting on the bed in my underwear, and heíll go to the bathroom and look at other girls.

    I donít think you quite understand the feelings and emotions behind this issue. It might seem like a ďwaah wahh im ugly he gets off to other girlsĒ but trust me, itís not. If he was honest, itíd be fine with me. Itís the lying and hiding after boundaries have been set time and time again. Itís the fact that every time heíll promise heíll never do it again, and he always does.

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  6. #5
    @RedDress thank you this is more helpful than the previous reply. Iíd just wish heíd be honest with me when I tell him that is okay, rather than lie. I donít expect him to change, I just want some honesty

  7. #6
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    If someone breaks your boundaries over and over and over ....just break up, right?

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Anonymous248
    @RedDress thank you this is more helpful than the previous reply. Iíd just wish heíd be honest with me when I tell him that is okay, rather than lie. I donít expect him to change, I just want some honesty
    ... but... you arenít really being trustworthy about it?

    If youíve been in front of him crying about porn every 3-6 months, itís reasonable for him to think youíll freak out if he tells you heís going to go watch porn.

    ... and Iím not sure the value in that anyways? Itís totally awkward? ďHey Honey, Iím going to go rub one out, ok?Ē. Or ďhey - btw - this afternoon I went to the store, met up with Jack, came home, masturbated, went out to get a sandwich, etc Ē. Are you hoping to hijack and control the behavior or say ďno - come be with me insteadĒ?

    It feels totally controlling and violating to need this info. And iím not sure what you intend to do with it or what purpose it would serve?

    He watches porn. Just assume heís watching it on occasion.

    I think your request for this info is unreasonable and points to your having anxiety over it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately this is what happens when you try to control each other this much. Most people do not come out and announce that they are going off to masturbate, that too is silly. As silly as making rules and engaging in unhealthy levels of controlling behavior. How it makes you feel is all about you. Perhaps he's using discretion to avoid hurting your feelings and because of this silly "not ok" rule.
    Originally Posted by Anonymous248
    we agreed that for us in our relationship, the other person watching porn was not okay with either of us.

    Iíve said to him that if he does it, fine, just tell me.

    how is it meant to make me feel when he does that?.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I tell him itís not the act of doing it, itís the lying and hiding. I always tell him that if he gets the urge, to tell me about it.
    This makes no sense. You've already told him that you don't want him to do it, so why would he tell you when he wants to do it? You've dug a hole for yourself.

    Either you want to keep this guy in your life despite his porn, or you don't want to live with that and would rather move on to find a relationship with a guy who's not interested in porn. If you want to keep him, stop snooping in his phone and cultivate the relationship at face value. Otherwise, you're going to keep yourself miserable, and he'll get tired of you taking him down with you. He's not going to stop the porn.

  11. #10
    @wiseman2

    I am not in anyway suggesting a casual ďbrb going to masterbateĒ, but to tell me the truth in situations like these. You may call it silly but itís a common thing for relationships to have boundaries such a this. I will probably never be okay with it, because I donít have the capacity to just accept it. Unfortunately I donít work like that. Every time me and my boyfriend discuss this, he still tells me that we should have this boundary. Therefore all I want him to be honest about is when he has gone back on this, in a way of ďIím sorry I broke your trustĒ


    Another thing no one seems to understand is that we are around each other nearly 24/7. We live together at uni. We donít have jobs. Weíre maybe apart for 1/2 hours for a lecture but there is no ďhow was your dayĒ because weíve seen each other all day. Thatís what makes this hurtful. We live in a studio apartment, with our bedroom/living room/dining room/kitchen/desks all in the same small space. We have a bathroom but itís got a slide door that doesnít lock. We are in such close proximity everyday, which makes it strange.

    And @reddress no I am not trying for it to be that casual or to ďinterceptĒ it. You are not seeing what I am trying to say. Itís not about the porn, itís about betraying boundaries and being honest when you have done so.

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