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Thread: Is this a red flag?

  1. #1
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    Is this a red flag?

    Basically, I know I shouldnít have but I looked on my boyfriendís phone because I always have this gut feeling that I donít know if I can completely trust him BUT I donít know if thatís because he canít be and my intuition is trying to tell me something or because Iím a worrier and in the past he has made me feel like he canít be.

    Anyway, on his phone I saw texts with a girl who I know of from back home and they have been frequently texting each other trying to arrange a day to meet, he also has her on do not disturb which I think is so her texts donít come up on his phone when Iím with him. Yes, he is friends with this girl but I find it odd how they both seem to be really trying to meet and he hasnít mentioned this to me but thatís also probably because he knows I donít think itís ok for him to meet other girls alone. There was also another time a few months ago when he deleted his texts with her because he knows Iíd get upset so basically he was hiding that he had been messaging her then too.

    Donít get me wrong it doesnít seem flirtacious but I find it ODD. Why do they keep texting trying to meet? I get it as a group but not alone together. My boyfriend knows I would not he ok with that and that it would upset me.

    It would him too if the shoe was on the other foot.

    What would you make of this? Iím not going to say anything but itís definitely got my guard up.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    How long have you been together?

    Regardless, what I'd make of this, from what you've shared, is that you're in a relationship that needs to end.

    Why? Because you're in a relationship with someone you don't trust, without trust there's really nothing, and instead of working to build trust you're now trying to beat him by engaging in untrustworthy behavior yourself. Instead of trying to communicate you're shoring up your guard.

    Real question: What feels ickier right now, seeing these non-flirtatious texts or being someone who is spying and snooping? After all, at this point if he had a "gut feeling" that you're not to be trustedówell, he'd be right, wouldn't he?

    I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I'm just a big believer that the moment you're looking through someone's phone is the moment when things have jumped the rails, because you've become a red flag in the search for another's red flag.

    Find someone you can trust, who shares your values, and leave him to do the same. A relationship is not supposed to feel like this.

  3. #3

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    The only way you will know is if you confront him. Maybe start a conversation about friends with the opposite sex and if the girl comes up you might ask him what this friendship means to him. Be honest and tell him that you feel a little mistrust and that you wish transparency.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The red flags are that he dumped you before to play the field and you took him back despite this. There is no reason to feel well in this situation.

    Agree that it needs to end rather than continuing this on/off thing hoping it gets better, but now is just devolving into a cat-and-mouse game based on distrust and secrecy. Why tie yourself down to this when you could be enjoying your college life, having fun being single, etc.?

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  6. 03-15-2019, 05:56 AM
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  7. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I always have this gut feeling that I donít know if I can completely trust him BUT I donít know if thatís because he canít be and my intuition is trying to tell me something or because Iím a worrier and in the past he has made me feel like he canít be.
    You're trying to hold onto someone you can't trust. So what does he need to do that will prove to you that you can't trust him? ...and why would you need proof when living this way is hell on earth? That alone would be enough for me to move on.

  8. #6
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, on-again off-again relationship and him trying to meet another women, this relationship does not look good.

  9. #7
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Several factors here indicate that your relationship is unhealthy: him hiding meeting another woman from you, him putting the texts with said woman on "do not disturb" so as not to alert you that they are texting frequently, your need to snoop through his phone and then make a post about it on an online relationship help forum, and last but not least, your unwillingness to believe the evidence that is right in front of your face.

    I think he is trying to cheat on you. I'm sorry, there could be other explanations, but it seems to be the most likely scenario. I would consider breaking it off with him and finding someone who you can actually trust.

  10. #8
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    You are constantly worried about his interactions with other girls.

    Tell us, do you enjoy constantly feeling anxious and worried?

  11. #9
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    Originally Posted by Jask2019
    Basically, I know I shouldnít have but I looked on my boyfriendís phone because I always have this gut feeling that I donít know if I can completely trust him BUT I donít know if thatís because he canít be and my intuition is trying to tell me something or because Iím a worrier and in the past he has made me feel like he canít be.

    Anyway, on his phone I saw texts with a girl who I know of from back home and they have been frequently texting each other trying to arrange a day to meet, he also has her on do not disturb which I think is so her texts donít come up on his phone when Iím with him. Yes, he is friends with this girl but I find it odd how they both seem to be really trying to meet and he hasnít mentioned this to me but thatís also probably because he knows I donít think itís ok for him to meet other girls alone. There was also another time a few months ago when he deleted his texts with her because he knows Iíd get upset so basically he was hiding that he had been messaging her then too.

    Donít get me wrong it doesnít seem flirtacious but I find it ODD. Why do they keep texting trying to meet? I get it as a group but not alone together. My boyfriend knows I would not he ok with that and that it would upset me.

    It would him too if the shoe was on the other foot.

    What would you make of this? Iím not going to say anything but itís definitely got my guard up.
    Wow! Not "allowed" to meet with other girls alone. Should I say, trust and insecurity issues. I would never allow a partner to dictate who I saw or associated with. I'm surprised he puts up with your nonsense.

    You do not trust him. You should end things and consider counseling for your trust and insecurity issues- I read your other thread..

  12. #10
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    OP, I suggest you reread the responses in your first thread.


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