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Thread: Communication issues

  1. #11
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Yes, he needs to call if he's not going to be home at the expected time - because you love him and would worry if he'd been in a accident.

    The next time he does that, you go out for the evening and don't tell him about it. Let's see how the shoe feels when it's on the other foot.

  2. #12
    Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Confusedinlo
    I am listening to his point of view but he c comes home and doesnt say where he has been and what he has been doing. I don't think that's what u do in a relationship either to get along and mak things work. And your right i do let my emotions get to me but i see it very disrespectful. U dont come home till hours later. Yes he is own person but if he is not doing anything wrong why cant u just tell me he will be going out and will be home later
    I don't think you're listening. This is not said to make you upset. You're not really listening to what he's saying. Some of the other posters came to some very valid conclusions such as he's not invested in this relationship. I agree that he's not invested in being with you and he doesn't respect you or care about what you think. What I'm asking you to do is to ask yourself why he doesn't care about you or why he's not invested. You may not be someone he cares about in the big picture, period. I don't know this and no one knows the details of your relationship outside of this problem. It may even be cultural. I once knew a man whose culture it very well was to go to the pub after work every day (social activity) and if wives, mothers or family members didn't know where members of their family were, they'd know that they were at the local pub. I obviously wasn't compatible with this person and am no longer with this person but I also recognized (with a sinking feeling at the time) that there was no way I could change something that was ingrained culturally and nor did I want to take on that feat. I decided to live and let live after a lot of other issues compounded as well. Listening carefully means observing (not just listening to what someone says), watching what he does and acknowledging that those are his answers and his way of going about things.

    He may not be able to stand you at all and is on his last legs or one foot out the door. How are you both financially and are you able to support yourselves independently of each other? What other stressors or issues are influencing this dynamic? Right now you're angry and you're seeing that you're right no matter how the pie is sliced. I'm asking you to put this aside for a moment and ask yourself why this is happening to you. It's not easy but you'll have to have the strength or courage to figure that out on your own.

    Originally Posted by Confusedinlo
    But it sounds like u think i should just let him come and go like he pleases
    Actually, yes, I think he should. But he should also be upfront and honest with you that you are not helping him and he may be better without you/single or moved out. I think that if someone has stopped communicating with you (who has in the past communicated with you), it's a pretty clear sign that you're not easy to communicate with. Our first instincts are to place boundaries in a relationship and that is fine. What happens over time is we stop looking at each other and treating each other like human beings and assume or expect our partners to continue doing what we ask without asking why things have changed.

    You can't change someone if that person doesn't like you or trust you or doesn't want to tell you what's going on. My point is about asking you to see things for what they really are instead of what you want them to be. Stop banging your head against the wall. This isn't working and he doesn't want to talk to you. Ask yourself why.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Confusedinlo
    Hi
    So i have been with my bf for almost 5 yrs now. From day one, he has had an issue with communicating with me if he isnt coming home after work and going out. He tells me he is a grown man and doesnt have to answer to me! I told him its respect and courtesy to me. If i am expecting him from work at a certain time and he doesn't let me know he is going out, my mind wanders. Is he cheating? Did he get into an accident? All kinds of scenarios race through my mind. For example tonight he called after i texted him if he wanted Burgers for dinner. He says yeah sure i heard he was in the car so i tbought was on his way home. When he knew damn well he wasnt. He showed up at 930 tonight. To me that was disrespectful and rude. Why couldn't u tell me you were not on your way home and going elsewhere. This been and on off issue since he hasnt had a car all the time to get around. Now he has a reliable car and i feel this is just the beginning and will just become a worse problem. Idk how to resolve this. He doesn't see my point of view and not willing to comprise. Any thoughts? Do u think this should be a deal breaker?
    Either a deal breaker or you start not coming home after work and not calling him as well. I usually don't suggest "-for-tat" behavior but your b/f is a disrespectful arse and I wonder why you think/hope he will change when there isn't a chance in a blue moon that he's going to. Why should he when he suffers no negative consequences to his ignorant actions? (arguing about it or nagging him about it he can tolerate by the looks of it) He is who he is... and who he is a very disrespectful and indifferent man to you. He's either having an affair or he's a problem drinker or some other nefarious deed... why else wouldn't he even just tell you where he was?.. Just to upset you? (that would be another "tell" that he doesn't value you much.)

    I'm sorry, but why do you stay with him, luv?
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 03-15-2019 at 10:04 PM.

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