Communication issues

Hi

So i have been with my bf for almost 5 yrs now. From day one, he has had an issue with communicating with me if he isnt coming home after work and going out. He tells me he is a grown man and doesnt have to answer to me! I told him its respect and courtesy to me. If i am expecting him from work at a certain time and he doesn't let me know he is going out, my mind wanders. Is he cheating? Did he get into an accident? All kinds of scenarios race through my mind. For example tonight he called after i texted him if he wanted Burgers for dinner. He says yeah sure i heard he was in the car so i tbought was on his way home. When he knew damn well he wasnt. He showed up at 930 tonight. To me that was disrespectful and rude. Why couldn't u tell me you were not on your way home and going elsewhere. This been and on off issue since he hasnt had a car all the time to get around. Now he has a reliable car and i feel this is just the beginning and will just become a worse problem. Idk how to resolve this. He doesn't see my point of view and not willing to comprise. Any thoughts? Do u think this should be a deal breaker?

Why are you with this guy? He sounds like an inconsiderate, disrespectful jerk!?

 

Don't understand why you tolerate this!

Seems like you both have differing ideas about how to live and work together and your communication levels are close to rock bottom. He may feel you're a little too forceful on the suggestions there and not allowing enough autonomy in the relationship. To be fair, he is his own person and even though, yes, it is respectful to let family members and loved ones you live with know where you are to coordinate different things, it doesn't mean that he should be treated like a second class citizen either if he chooses not to. If a man(or woman) goes against your wishes or doesn't regard what you have to say, that is a choice that this person has made. Why are you not listening to his choices? This is more of a rhetorical question. You don't have to answer if you don't want to and you definitely don't have to defend yourself at all. I'm just putting this out there. He is his own person and he is making his choices. I just don't think you're listening very well to him or what he wants.

 

If you'd like things to improve, you might want to try working on your emotions and levels of anger/frustration regarding this topic. I know it probably makes your blood boil and I don't blame you for it but look further than that and try to envision what you want to achieve in your relationship. If it's more peace and understanding, the high emotions have to be dropped. I don't mean turning into robots (we are all human, after all). I am only meaning try to control those emotions and verbalize/communicate more clearly by remaining as neutral as you can (try to learn the other side/how he feels and what he's trying to say and vice versa him for you). Try more listening to each other.

I am listening to his point of view but he c comes home and doesnt say where he has been and what he has been doing. I don't think that's what u do in a relationship either to get along and mak things work. And your right i do let my emotions get to me but i see it very disrespectful. U dont come home till hours later. Yes he is own person but if he is not doing anything wrong why cant u just tell me he will be going out and will be home later

But it sounds like u think i should just let him come and go like he pleases

I am listening to his point of view but he c comes home and doesnt say where he has been and what he has been doing. I don't think that's what u do in a relationship either to get along and mak things work. And your right i do let my emotions get to me but i see it very disrespectful. U dont come home till hours later. Yes he is own person but if he is not doing anything wrong why cant u just tell me he will be going out and will be home later

 

It sounds like he might be doing it out of spite at this point.

 

I am guessing there is a lot of resentment on both sides here. I agree it is courteous to let you know he won't be joining you for dinner, or if he's going to be getting home late. It sounds as though you live together, so I am with you in asking him to at least give you a heads-up if he won't be home for a while.

 

But I also wonder how this issue has been addressed in the past. Do you accuse him or being with someone else? I am curious why coming home late would lead to wonder if he's cheating. Has this happened before?

He is treating you like a roommate, not as a couple who is living together.

 

If you lived apart, I don’t think telling you where he is at all times would be necessary. You get together on date nights and chat in between and that’s it. He would have the freedom and autonomy to do as he pleases without always having to answer to things.

 

If you are living together as a couple - then yes, there are a few implied things that go along with that. It is implied that you will spend free time together. It is implied that if you ask if he wants burgers for dinner, that it’s because you are making dinner. For him not to tell you (at minimum) whether or not he’s coming home, he’s depriving you of the option to make other plans. It’s completely rude and obnoxious not to tell you.

 

It sounds like you are on different pages as to where you are at in the relationship. The only advice that I have is to match his level of commitment. Always assume he’s NOT coming home. Make your own plans. Don’t make him dinner or do any other chores for him that a roommate would not do. That will either bring you over to his page and reduce this stress and conflict - or it will snap him out of his selfishness.

 

... but frankly, i would also question the relationship if after 5 years he’s treating you like a roommate.

This is not so much 'communication issues' as total lack of regard and respect for your relationship/for you as his partner. I'm the most forgiving and liberal person on this planet; this SO wouldn't wash with me. I find what he does insulting. It IS common courtesy to let your partner know if you're going to be hours late, end of. It's not about independence or being a grown up - he doesn't think you deserve a few word text saying 'sorry darling, will be home 8.30, went for a drink with *name*'?? His fingers don't work? You know what, I'm getting mad on your behalf whilst typing this!! My husband would so be dead meat if he did this more than once.

 

I find it very hard to believe that someone who considers themselves to be in a committed relationship with you, who loves and respects you.. would behave in this way.

He tells me he is a grown man and doesnt have to answer to me!

 

He's looking for a way out. Nobody who treats a partner like that is invested.

You need to stop playing house like this. Does he have a drinking problem? Actions speak louder than words. You can beg, plead, explain,nag whatever, but it's not working. Stop making dinner. Stop doing everything. Let him shop for, fix his dinner if he wants to eat alone come back whenever.

 

In other word if he wants to live like a bachelor who has no interest in respecting his partner then let him be a bachelor. Moving out is the only cure for this. As long as you hang out and play house you are condoning and enabling it. .

For example tonight he called after i texted him if he wanted Burgers for dinner. He says yeah sure i heard he was in the car so i tbought was on his way home. When he knew damn well he wasnt. He showed up at 930 tonight

Yes, he needs to call if he's not going to be home at the expected time - because you love him and would worry if he'd been in a accident.

 

The next time he does that, you go out for the evening and don't tell him about it. Let's see how the shoe feels when it's on the other foot.

I am listening to his point of view but he c comes home and doesnt say where he has been and what he has been doing. I don't think that's what u do in a relationship either to get along and mak things work. And your right i do let my emotions get to me but i see it very disrespectful. U dont come home till hours later. Yes he is own person but if he is not doing anything wrong why cant u just tell me he will be going out and will be home later

 

I don't think you're listening. This is not said to make you upset. You're not really listening to what he's saying. Some of the other posters came to some very valid conclusions such as he's not invested in this relationship. I agree that he's not invested in being with you and he doesn't respect you or care about what you think. What I'm asking you to do is to ask yourself why he doesn't care about you or why he's not invested. You may not be someone he cares about in the big picture, period. I don't know this and no one knows the details of your relationship outside of this problem. It may even be cultural. I once knew a man whose culture it very well was to go to the pub after work every day (social activity) and if wives, mothers or family members didn't know where members of their family were, they'd know that they were at the local pub. I obviously wasn't compatible with this person and am no longer with this person but I also recognized (with a sinking feeling at the time) that there was no way I could change something that was ingrained culturally and nor did I want to take on that feat. I decided to live and let live after a lot of other issues compounded as well. Listening carefully means observing (not just listening to what someone says), watching what he does and acknowledging that those are his answers and his way of going about things.

 

He may not be able to stand you at all and is on his last legs or one foot out the door. How are you both financially and are you able to support yourselves independently of each other? What other stressors or issues are influencing this dynamic? Right now you're angry and you're seeing that you're right no matter how the pie is sliced. I'm asking you to put this aside for a moment and ask yourself why this is happening to you. It's not easy but you'll have to have the strength or courage to figure that out on your own.

 

But it sounds like u think i should just let him come and go like he pleases

 

Actually, yes, I think he should. But he should also be upfront and honest with you that you are not helping him and he may be better without you/single or moved out. I think that if someone has stopped communicating with you (who has in the past communicated with you), it's a pretty clear sign that you're not easy to communicate with. Our first instincts are to place boundaries in a relationship and that is fine. What happens over time is we stop looking at each other and treating each other like human beings and assume or expect our partners to continue doing what we ask without asking why things have changed.

 

You can't change someone if that person doesn't like you or trust you or doesn't want to tell you what's going on. My point is about asking you to see things for what they really are instead of what you want them to be. Stop banging your head against the wall. This isn't working and he doesn't want to talk to you. Ask yourself why.

Hi

So i have been with my bf for almost 5 yrs now. From day one, he has had an issue with communicating with me if he isnt coming home after work and going out. He tells me he is a grown man and doesnt have to answer to me! I told him its respect and courtesy to me. If i am expecting him from work at a certain time and he doesn't let me know he is going out, my mind wanders. Is he cheating? Did he get into an accident? All kinds of scenarios race through my mind. For example tonight he called after i texted him if he wanted Burgers for dinner. He says yeah sure i heard he was in the car so i tbought was on his way home. When he knew damn well he wasnt. He showed up at 930 tonight. To me that was disrespectful and rude. Why couldn't u tell me you were not on your way home and going elsewhere. This been and on off issue since he hasnt had a car all the time to get around. Now he has a reliable car and i feel this is just the beginning and will just become a worse problem. Idk how to resolve this. He doesn't see my point of view and not willing to comprise. Any thoughts? Do u think this should be a deal breaker?

Either a deal breaker or you start not coming home after work and not calling him as well. I usually don't suggest "-for-tat" behavior but your b/f is a disrespectful arse and I wonder why you think/hope he will change when there isn't a chance in a blue moon that he's going to. Why should he when he suffers no negative consequences to his ignorant actions? (arguing about it or nagging him about it he can tolerate by the looks of it) He is who he is... and who he is a very disrespectful and indifferent man to you. He's either having an affair or he's a problem drinker or some other nefarious deed... why else wouldn't he even just tell you where he was?.. Just to upset you? (that would be another "tell" that he doesn't value you much.)

 

I'm sorry, but why do you stay with him, luv?