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Thread: Is this fixable?

  1. #1

    Is this fixable?

    My ex and I were together for almost 3 years (both of us are 20 in college).
    In the last 4 months of our relationship I had lost that spark so our relationship wasnt very sexal. We had arguments and we both started prioritizing other things but we still said I love you, do nice things for each other, and went out.
    The breakup: the week before our offical breakup he tells me he is unhappy in our relationship. I asked if he wanted to be together, if he loved me, and if he wanted to work on things. He said yes. The next few days I was sad, he told me I was over reacting because “everything is okay, just be youself, and I love you.” I showered him in affection that whole week. That next friday, he has me meet him at his car. When I got there he said he had been red in the face crying. He said he wanted to break up because he loved me but not in love and doesnt know why. He said hes been thinking about it for a while. Now he wants us to move on and be friends. However, it was a 2 hour ordeal and us crying talking about missing eachother and how weve changed eachother over the years and me begging. He said he doesnt know what he is feeling, he hates his family, life and this situation sucks. And he said he was recommended by a friend to not call it a break.
    3 days later I sent him a letter saying a. I was sorry for my part in this and I want to be better b. I would love to one day rekindle everything. He seemed appreciative of it.
    A mutual friend tells me he is sad, confused, and called it a break to him.
    I tried so hard to go into no contact but we still follow each other on social media and he has some pictures of me with sweet captions still up.
    10 days later I ended up calling him when I wasnt crying and dead inside anymore. I gave him a sincere apology for neglecting his sexual needs, I knew I made him feel rejected and I was sorry. He said it wasnt just my fault. We had a positive talk, he was very kind. At the end he said he wasnt sure how he feels and is “comfortable where he is at.” It concluded with him saying in a few weeks we’ll go to the beach together. A few hours later he texted me just asking for advice on something small and we joked with each other. And we havent reached out since.
    Where should I go from here? Am I getting friendzoned? Should I not initiate again for a while? Do you think I should just believe what he said in the car and move on?
    Thank you for reading all this – I know it was super long

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    It's rare nowadays to stay for a lifetime with someone you started dating as a teenager. Many people want to have more dating experiences while young before one day settling down. This might be the case for him. I know I dated someone for two years and broke up right after high school graduation. I had become to feel as though we were some old married couple. After that, I was like a kid in a candy store, with the new excitement of short term dating, kind of sowing my wild oats until I was ready to get serious with someone.

    I'm sure he thought long and hard about breaking up because he knew it meant the possibility of losing you forever, and he was okay with that. After 3 years together, it's hard to go cold turkey--not ever seeing each other again. It'll be a strange feeling to go no contact, but it's really the wiser way to go about things for closure. You really can't be friends when you've been lovers, because eventually you will be ready to date again, and the average guy won't want to date you when you're still in contact with a former LTR partner, especially one you hoped would be "the one."

    Take care.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Let it go. He's just a child. One day you'll meet a man. Move forward and keep walking.

  4. #4
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    This one is likely over for good, OP.

    It sucks but you will one day feel good again and find a guy who's a better fit for you. The best place to go from here is not to try to be friends right now. It doesn't mean you need to declare him an enemy, but you won't be able to accept the break-up if you two stay in contact at this time. It will also hurt like hell if you are hoping that friendship will lead to reconciliation, only to discover he's meeting new girls.

    Take your time in healing. But do it away from him.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    There is nothing more attractive to an ex than moving on.

    I'd cut all contact and trust that if you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday. You'll each need to get to that place on your own--without the influence of the other. That's the only way to trust that any potential reconciliation is really his idea rather than something you've guilted him into. Let him reflect on you fondly and with curiosity rather than with a lousy feeling because he knows you won't let go.

    I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself. It's your percentage play. If ex ever wants to reconcile, you'll be positioned to handle a brand new relationship with him rather than taking up the one that didn't work. If ex never wants to reconcile, you'll have moved yourself forward, and your perspective will have climbed into a healed vantage point.

    Head high, you can do this.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    There is nothing more attractive to an ex than moving on.

    I'd cut all contact and trust that if you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday. You'll each need to get to that place on your own--without the influence of the other. That's the only way to trust that any potential reconciliation is really his idea rather than something you've guilted him into. Let him reflect on you fondly and with curiosity rather than with a lousy feeling because he knows you won't let go.

    I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself. It's your percentage play. If ex ever wants to reconcile, you'll be positioned to handle a brand new relationship with him rather than taking up the one that didn't work. If ex never wants to reconcile, you'll have moved yourself forward, and your perspective will have climbed into a healed vantage point.

    Head high, you can do this.
    Great advice..helped me too actually.

  8. #7
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, some people are too young to fall in love. I'm sure things will workout the way they were meant to.

  9. #8
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Oof, please do not go on a trip with him. Also, don't have sex with him while you two are not together, no matter what he says or how he acts.

    You two are really young and it's normal to grow apart after a few years. If you cut contact and let the breakup be final, you'll move on eventually and be able to look back on the relationship with fondness. Don't drag it out by trying to bargain your way back. It doesn't make the pain of him no longer being in love with you any less, and you'll have the additional trial of dealing with the loss of your dignity.


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