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Thread: What should I respond?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I mean, you can look at it that way, though it sounds like a rough attitude to walk around with—and, well, to bring along for coffee with someone, you know?

    My feeling is: there are a zillion men who offer different things than I do—different, not better. These offerings will appeal more to a variety of women than whatever I have to offer, just like most women I meet, all of them special, don't send me to the moon.

    But what I have to offer? Well, there is only one of those—me—and the point of dating isn't to compete with the biceps and bank accounts of other dudes, but to swipe and chat and sip wine and see if I meet someone whose offerings dovetail with my own.

    Maybe it's time to take a break from the apps and the casino of potential connection, and focus on some stuff that restores your own moxie and swagger so you don't care so much about it being validated by a rightward swipe, a coffee, whatever. That's all just icing on the cake.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    If she reaches out, you see how you feel then. Right now you feel icky. Tomorrow you won’t think about her.
    Let's say you are me. She is reaching out after 3 months. What would you do?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SilverFactory
    Let's say you are me. She is reaching out after 3 months. What would you do?
    Let's say I was you...

    I would not be thinking about all this. I'd be swiping or not swiping, maybe chatting with someone else, setting up another date. Or not. Or I'd be on my motorcycle, because it's nice out and the mountains are calling, or heading to yoga, because it keeps me centered when life decides, as life routinely does, to annoy me. Or I'd see if friend X felt like coming by for the sunset because I have this weird bottle of sparkling red in the fridge, and I know friend X is going through some stuff right now that makes my stuff look like ants. Or I'd give my mom a ring and see how things are going with the bedroom renovation. Or I'd catch up on last week's New Yorker, which had this one article I meant to read but got sidetracked. Or...

    A hypothetical scenario three months from now? I'd see what's what then, not now.

    That's honestly how I operate. But to give you a firm answer: If, three months from now, a random attractive woman from a dating app reached out to me—a woman who blew off date one to explore dude x—I'd probably be down for a beer. If I was single. If, in looking back at her profile there was still some sizzle. If, in recalling that almost coffee, I found I didn't give a damn. If...

    But why go there, you dig? It's nice outside. A lot can happen in day, let alone 90.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Let's say I was you...

    I would not be thinking about all this. I'd be swiping or not swiping, maybe chatting with someone else, setting up another date. Or not. Or I'd be on my motorcycle, because it's nice out and the mountains are calling, or heading to yoga, because it keeps me centered when life decides, as life routinely does, to annoy me. Or I'd see if friend X felt like coming by for the sunset because I have this weird bottle of sparkling red in the fridge, and I know friend X is going through some stuff right now that makes my stuff look like ants. Or I'd give my mom a ring and see how things are going with the bedroom renovation. Or I'd catch up on last week's New Yorker, which had this one article I meant to read but got sidetracked. Or...

    A hypothetical scenario three months from now? I'd see what's what then, not now.

    That's honestly how I operate. But to give you a firm answer: If, three months from now, a random attractive woman from a dating app reached out to me—a woman who blew off date one to explore dude x—I'd probably be down for a beer. If I was single. If, in looking back at her profile there was still some sizzle. If, in recalling that almost coffee, I found I didn't give a damn. If...

    But why go there, you dig? It's nice outside. A lot can happen in day, let alone 90.
    Thanks.

    Your life is obviously very different than mine. I am guessing you are probably young, have dated in the past, had girlfriends, enjoyed sex.. I am 43 years old and have had none of that.

    That is why I get all excited when a woman even as much agrees to meet me for coffee and gives her phone number... and then get very upset when it doesn't pan out. It has been similar crap happening my entire life..

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm just a bit younger than you. My dating history has its fun chapters, its Hiroshima chapters, its desert island chapters. Been let down plenty, on the apps, off the apps, from the apps. And have no doubt let plenty down myself by being, you know, me.

    My whole thing is just making sure I'm pretty full regardless of what's going on romantically in my life. That stuff comes and goes, but, alas, you can always take yourself out for a good time.

    Don't let this get you down too much. You're in good company, not alone.

  7. #26
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SilverFactory
    Let's say you are me. She is reaching out after 3 months. What would you do?
    I wouldn't respond at all. She was downright rude, disrespectful and treated you like garbage (imo). I wouldn't have even responded the first time. I would have blocked. Lose her name, lose her number. Block. At this point it's all about self-respect (again, imo).

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    I wouldn't respond at all. She was downright rude, disrespectful and treated you like garbage (imo). I wouldn't have even responded the first time. I would have blocked. Lose her name, lose her number. Block. At this point it's all about self-respect (again, imo).
    Can you let me know why you say this?

    She was downright rude, disrespectful and treated you like garbage
    I am inexperienced dater and get confused in these type of situations.. some feel she has been very honest and some feel she was not. Some also say this is how dating is where people are free to meet lot of people and decide one some one and drop the rest.. and I am not supposed to feel bad.

    I did feel very angry and hurt yesterday and that's why I started this thread.. in the end I just thanked her for being honest and wished her well.

  9. #28
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    I think you sent the perfect response.

    This happens all the time: someone is online, they meet someone they like, but they do not become exclusive, so they chat with others (you, in this case). They then go on another date or two with the first person and decide on exclusivity. She could have ghosted you. She did not. She chose to be honest and let you know that, simply due to timing, she met someone else, and she likes him, and she'd like to see where it goes.

    The only "dating crime" she made was in asking you to reply if she decides he doesn't work out, so she can ping you later. The ego on her. Like you're just going to be sitting around, staring at your phone.

    OK, so let's say, 3 months from now, you are still single, and she pings you. Do not....I repeat do not.....ping her back. You are her 2nd choice now, and if she pings you later, you are only being pinged by default as being her only choice, and she will leave you as soon as she finds someone she likes better. Ask me how I know this.

  10. #29
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SilverFactory
    .some feel she has been very honest and some feel she was not..
    Sure, she was honest.... BUT she could have been honest with you from the get-go. But no, she agreed to meet up with you TWICE, and then suddenly changed her mind and decided to go after the other guy. THAT to me is downright rude, disrespectful and just major bad manners. Just shows her real character and you dodged a bullet (imo).

    NEXT!

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    I think you sent the perfect response.

    This happens all the time: someone is online, they meet someone they like, but they do not become exclusive, so they chat with others (you, in this case). They then go on another date or two with the first person and decide on exclusivity. She could have ghosted you. She did not. She chose to be honest and let you know that, simply due to timing, she met someone else, and she likes him, and she'd like to see where it goes.

    The only "dating crime" she made was in asking you to reply if she decides he doesn't work out, so she can ping you later. The ego on her. Like you're just going to be sitting around, staring at your phone.

    OK, so let's say, 3 months from now, you are still single, and she pings you. Do not....I repeat do not.....ping her back. You are her 2nd choice now, and if she pings you later, you are only being pinged by default as being her only choice, and she will leave you as soon as she finds someone she likes better. Ask me how I know this.
    How do you know this? lol

    See this is the dilemma I have.. on one hand I feel disrespected and rejected but on the other hand I am thinking I became her 2nd choice only due to bad timing and she has been honest.. we didn't even meet once. but this is how dating is... so what would I do 3 to 6 months from now if she does reach out... but still somehow I also feel rejected now.

    I have actually seen this woman on the app couple of years ago and was surprised to see her again in it now. Obviously her previous relationship tanked for some reason.

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