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Thread: What should I respond?

  1. #11
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Typical rejection during dating.

    Dating is not for the faint of heart.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Be someone else's second choice and let them "ping" me if their first choice didn't work out? Nope..no thanks, I have better self esteem than that.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Be someone else's second choice and let them "ping" me if their first choice didn't work out? Nope..no thanks, I have better self esteem than that.
    Exactly! That's why I just responded with "Thanks for being honest. I wish you all the best!"

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Dating can be a tough go. It's really difficult to find someone you're compatible with and someone who's worth your time. I hear your frustration.

    But don't let anyone treat you as second best. You're better than that.

    I wish you all the best in hopes of finding someone worthwhile.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SilverFactory
    Exactly! That's why I just responded with "Thanks for being honest. I wish you all the best!"
    Great response.

    Past your annoyance and the momentary bruise of the ego, that's your truest self: you appreciate honesty, you wish people well. Keep being that person and you'll find what you're looking for.

    That said, for whatever it's worth, I think she was just being totally honest with what dating is. Maybe "too" honest, or tactlessly honest. But, big picture, we're just out there trying people out, seeing what sticks, and to pretend otherwise is kind of limited in my opinion.

    Guess I just find it kind of fantastical and ego-driven to assume that someone I match with—or, heck, go on three dates with—is suddenly under some obligation to make me and/or treat me as their "first" choice. No, I'm cool with being "a" choice, something they want to try out, just as they are "a" choice for me. And if another choice makes it poor timing to try me out—well, fine. Hit me up when the timing is right and we'll see what's what then.

    I don't think that's a cynical approach, maybe just the opposite. Sure, the storybook ending is each decide to be each other's first, and only, choice—but to make that the framework at the beginning, to expect to be treated as a "first" by a total stranger, requires a near heroic suspension of disbelief about what it is to be an adult in the modern world.

    That she was explicit in that is, I think, the rub here. Had she offered a softer truth, bumped the date a week or two after realizing the current "choice" is a dud, would that really be a dealbreaker?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Great response.

    Past your annoyance and the momentary bruise of the ego, that's your truest self: you appreciate honesty, you wish people well. Keep being that person and you'll find what you're looking for.

    That said, for whatever it's worth, I think she was just being totally honest with what dating is. Maybe "too" honest, or tactlessly honest. But, big picture, we're just out there trying people out, seeing what sticks, and to pretend otherwise is kind of limited in my opinion.

    Guess I just find it kind of fantastical and ego-driven to assume that someone I match with—or, heck, go on three dates with—is suddenly under some obligation to make me and/or treat me as their "first" choice. No, I'm cool with being "a" choice, something they want to try out, just as they are "a" choice for me. And if another choice makes it poor timing to try me out—well, fine. Hit me up when the timing is right and we'll see what's what then.

    I don't think that's a cynical approach, maybe just the opposite. Sure, the storybook ending is each decide to be each other's first, and only, choice—but to make that the framework at the beginning, to expect to be treated as a "first" by a total stranger, requires a near heroic suspension of disbelief about what it is to be an adult in the modern world.

    That she was explicit in that is, I think, the rub here. Had she offered a softer truth, bumped the date a week or two after realizing the current "choice" is a dud, would that really be a dealbreaker?
    You raise very interesting points bluecastle. Thanks for offering your perspective.

    I had asked her for the date and she immediately agreed. 2 days later during a message exchange on the site she gave me her phone number even though I did not ask for it. I have to say that got me more excited because a woman giving me her number is a good sign.. at least according to me.

    Something happened the next day.. one day before the date. I don't know what it was.. may be the guy got to her. The next day, hours before meeting for the date is when she sends me a message saying she is feeling a bit under the weather and also busy with work. She gave me 2 options: either to meet next weekend or meet today but little bit early. Like an idiot I said "next weekend" because I thought meeting when she is feeling better would be a good idea. I am now feeling so stupid.

    And if another choice makes it poor timing to try me out—well, fine. Hit me up when the timing is right and we'll see what's what then.
    Are you saying you would be ok if something like this happened to you and be willing to meet her when she reaches out in the future? you don't mind being the second choice? after her first choice did not work out?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    No need to feel like an idiot. Like, at all.

    Timing is real, the forever dice roll, and when it comes to dating we really have no idea what we're getting into. No idea how open someone is to what we're open to, how wide or narrow their window is, what other maybes are in their orbit, what emotional residue may be clouding their heart, and so on, even when (omg!) they give us a phone number and agree to coffee over a mobile app.

    The trick, I guess, is to enjoy the butterflies while keeping them in check. After all, most of those butterflies, early, are self-induced anyway.

    So to answer your question: Yes, I would be okay with that. One hundred percent.

    I have gone on great dates with people who messaged me for a bit, dropped off, circled back around. I've also gone on forgettable dates with such people. I have gone on to seriously date someone who went on two dates with me, told me the timing was bad, reached back out when the timing was better (i.e. when she realized the other thing that predated me was kinda meh), and I was down to see her again because she seemed pretty awesome and I know I'm pretty awesome. I have had wonderful, transformative, inspiring, sexy, and fun times thanks to the willingness to be open to that—to be, in your terms, someone's second choice.

    Thing is, I don't see this as being someone's second choice, not in these early stages. I'm a grownup who dates grownups. I'm already someone's second or fifth of 105th choice in the big game of life. If I'm talking to someone on an app and/or planning to meet someone for a first date I generally assume they probably (a) went on/are planning other dates in close proximity to our date; (b) are talking to somewhere between one and 20 other men who are (gulp!) not me; and (c) likely have some emotions connected to a past romantic partner.

    I'm cool with all that, because I think "all that" is reality, because they are likely not the only person I ever swiped on in the history of time either. So I'm cool with occupying the same teeny, tiny place on their radar as they do on mine—so teeny as to just be a choice, not first, second, or third. I mean, c'mon: While I know I'm a pretty special man with a lot to offer, to them I'm just a few pictures and text bubbles in their purse! Maybe they chose other pixels first, maybe they reach for their lip balm.

    What I don't assume is that they have been saving themselves and waiting their whole lives to swipe on random me and, per five photos and some witty banter, have eyes for me and me only and have deemed me First Choice just because they're all, like, "Coffee sounds fun!" Heck, that would just be weird! Life is crazy, love and lust are messy—why pretend otherwise? Maybe between texting me on Monday and meeting me on Friday they have a super hot make-out session with someone else that makes them not super stoked to see me on Friday. Or an ex-bf posts something on IG that gets them kind of emotional and not in the headspace for a random night with random me. Or...fine. Life. Whatever.

    That has nothing to do with me, my worth, my value, just as this woman's choice to see what's what with Mr. Random has nothing to do with you. So if that hot make-out session turned cold, or she needed a week or two to vent about her ex, I'm not offended if they reach back out to me, that kinda cool, kinda cute random dude from an app, to see about making that Friday night a reality. If anything, I'm flattered. Something about me—the teeny sliver of me they got from a pixilated exchange—resonated enough to stay interested. Or, sure, maybe they're just bored or damaged or incapable of being alone or starved for attention—but that's the stuff you figure out down the line, once the whole thing moves into the much more glorious land of IRL.

    Sorry if this sounds preachy. The expectations people seem to have off a few cursory exchanges on an app just startle me, as if "coffee sounds fun!" is an automatic prelude to "I can't imagine life without you!" It's a dating app in 2019, not the king's court in Victorian England.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    No need to feel like an idiot. Like, at all.

    Timing is real, the forever dice roll, and when it comes to dating we really have no idea what we're getting into. No idea how open someone is to what we're open to, how wide or narrow their window is, what other maybes are in their orbit, what emotional residue may be clouding their heart, and so on, even when (omg!) they give us a phone number and agree to coffee over a mobile app.

    The trick, I guess, is to enjoy the butterflies while keeping them in check. After all, most of those butterflies, early, are self-induced anyway.

    So to answer your question: Yes, I would be okay with that. One hundred percent.

    I have gone on great dates with people who messaged me for a bit, dropped off, circled back around. I've also gone on forgettable dates with such people. I have gone on to seriously date someone who went on two dates with me, told me the timing was bad, reached back out when the timing was better (i.e. when she realized the other thing that predated me was kinda meh), and I was down to see her again because she seemed pretty awesome and I know I'm pretty awesome. I have had wonderful, transformative, inspiring, sexy, and fun times thanks to the willingness to be open to that—to be, in your terms, someone's second choice.

    Thing is, I don't see this as being someone's second choice, not in these early stages. I'm a grownup who dates grownups. I'm already someone's second or fifth of 105th choice in the big game of life. If I'm talking to someone on an app and/or planning to meet someone for a first date I generally assume they probably (a) went on/are planning other dates in close proximity to our date; (b) are talking to somewhere between one and 20 other men who are (gulp!) not me; and (c) likely have some emotions connected to a past romantic partner.

    I'm cool with all that, because I think "all that" is reality, because they are likely not the only person I ever swiped on in the history of time either. So I'm cool with occupying the same teeny, tiny place on their radar as they do on mine—so teeny as to just be a choice, not first, second, or third. I mean, c'mon: While I know I'm a pretty special man with a lot to offer, to them I'm just a few pictures and text bubbles in their purse! Maybe they chose other pixels first, maybe they reach for their lip balm.

    What I don't assume is that they have been saving themselves and waiting their whole lives to swipe on random me and, per five photos and some witty banter, have eyes for me and me only and have deemed me First Choice just because they're all, like, "Coffee sounds fun!" Heck, that would just be weird! Life is crazy, love and lust are messy—why pretend otherwise? Maybe between texting me on Monday and meeting me on Friday they have a super hot make-out session with someone else that makes them not super stoked to see me on Friday. Or an ex-bf posts something on IG that gets them kind of emotional and not in the headspace for a random night with random me. Or...fine. Life. Whatever.

    That has nothing to do with me, my worth, my value, just as this woman's choice to see what's what with Mr. Random has nothing to do with you. So if that hot make-out session turned cold, or she needed a week or two to vent about her ex, I'm not offended if they reach back out to me, that kinda cool, kinda cute random dude from an app, to see about making that Friday night a reality. If anything, I'm flattered. Something about me—the teeny sliver of me they got from a pixilated exchange—resonated enough to stay interested. Or, sure, maybe they're just bored or damaged or incapable of being alone or starved for attention—but that's the stuff you figure out down the line, once the whole thing moves into the much more glorious land of IRL.

    Sorry if this sounds preachy. The expectations people seem to have off a few cursory exchanges on an app just startle me, as if "coffee sounds fun!" is an automatic prelude to "I can't imagine life without you!" It's a dating app in 2019, not the king's court in Victorian England.
    I completely agree with you! I am NOT saying that since we exchanged messages she owes me the date.

    She is very attractive and from the message exchanges she also came off as a very cool and fun person. So, I know for sure she must be getting ton of messages and dates.

    My question really is - she made it explicitly clear that she is dropping plans to meet me because she wants to move forward with some other guy. And she is also telling that she will reach out to me in the future (meaning: if this guy does not work out). That is making me feel like I am a second choice. If she reaches out in the future I know she is coming to me because it did not work out with her first choice. How does one accept this?

    This is basically what you had mentioned in your previous post:

    That she was explicit in that is, I think, the rub here. Had she offered a softer truth, bumped the date a week or two after realizing the current "choice" is a dud, would that really be a dealbreaker?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Right. I get you. Like I said, I think her honesty was “tactless.” A little too much info in the name of transparency. Some things are better left, you know, surmised.

    Me, I’d find that part kind of comical. Like she’s trying out some new “honesty” thing—and, yeah, stumbling a bit.

    But whatever, you know? Why fret over this stuff when there is a limitless pool of other pixilated people to swipe through and chat with and have coffee with?

    If she reaches out, you see how you feel then. Right now you feel icky. Tomorrow you won’t think about her.

  11. #20
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    On another note I am also wondering if dating even makes sense... There is always, always, always going to be some guy better than me and the woman is going to choose him over me. So, I don't understand what is the point in trying? In online dating women get plenty of messages and have choices and men hardly ever get a response. I got a response from this 1 woman after a 4 month period of nothing. She was the only choice I had. So women, in online or real life, are always going to drop the guy when they meet some one better... and there is always going to be some one better. So what is the whole point of this?

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