Is it payback or something new?

Several years ago I had an emotional affair with a woman in another state. My wife and I worked it out and stayed together. It was very difficult but things were just recently starting to get better. She knows I am sorry and I still tell her it was the biggest mistake I ever made. I did not have sex with this other woman. It was strictly texting and phone calls. The messages were sexual at times, but it was more of a comfort and flattering that someone complimented me and was curious about my day. Obviously, I ended everything when I almost lost my family.

Now... I recently found out my wife is doing the same thing, except the guy only lives a few miles away. I am keeping up on their messages and they are very sexual, but it does not seem that have met to have sex. A few pictures have passed as well.

My question is, do I confront her and ask her to stop? Or, do I burn them both to the ground and ruin their lives and reputations? I do love her and we have kids.

If you do that to your children’s mother how does that help your children? I would show her the evidence. But being bent on destruction of your wife will ultimately damage your kids the most.

The two main reasons people cheat are lack of maturity and revenge. Yup, it sounds like a revenge cheat.

Some people can get over cheating, some people can't - obviously she's one of the ones who can't. Don't cheat on your next SO. Good luck.

Well....seems like you are both bent on emotional cheating, but not actually addressing what is so broken with your marriage and the connection between you that you are both engaging in this behavior.

Yes, show her what you found, but not to burn her, but to open a conversation about the state of your marriage. It's in shambles and you both need to start taking some constructive steps on figuring out what to do to either fix it or making a decision to part ways. Since you are married with children, try counseling first. In other words start being honest with each other about the extent of the problems and make a plan on how to work things out. Any ideas of holding things against each other is a toxic approach to an already toxic situation. Get counseling so you have a neutral party to guide you to sort things out, talk, figure out and learn how to address issues in a constructive and healthy way, etc. If your marriage can't be improved, then for the sake of the children, divorce. Yes, that's right, for the sake of the children part ways. Children aren't blind to cheating parents and not immune to the emotional damage from the faux marriage.

I’m not sure why you think that you deserved forgiveness but she deserves to be burned to the ground...

I agree with Seraphim. You have children who should come first. Let your wife know what you know, offer counseling if you BOTH would like to save your family. However, based on your second option to completely ruin her life, I would say you at least need some space from this to decide if you can forgive this and move forward. Your wife may need space as well, but she’s going to have to commit to space ALONE, not with another man.

There is more to the story in general. I didn't want a long winded post that nobody would read. We went to counseling off and on the last few years. She would make sure to remind me that I cheated sometimes when we had arguments. She couldn't believe that I would break our vows. Our oldest child knows what happened and I have always made sure he knows that I was wrong for what I did and for him to never do something like that when he is old enough to date/marry. The young one was and is still too young to really understand. He just knows that one time I was really mean to mommy and I'm really sorry for it.

How could she do this when I really do understand how badly I hurt her. How does she not think it is hurting me the same way?

She is not over it and may never be.

I would not involve kids in these discussions. They get no benefits only distress. These are adult conversations.

I think you both owe it to each other to be a bit more mature. Language like burning someone to the ground or keeping up on her messages doesn't make sense to me. Do you have full access to her phone and why? Did the sharing of passwords come about early on or in the aftermath of your emotional affair? Is it vice versa? If she knows you have access or a password to her phone, she may be beyond caring what you think. Both of you have acted recklessly and I wouldn't think that the children already don't notice the way you treat each other. Does this other man have any idea that she is married or have a family and is he someone you know?

I can't counsel you because I've never been through a cheating situation of this magnitude. I'm sure there are options for couples' counseling or speaking with third parties that may be able to help. I'm not the right person to say that this marriage is over but at the rate you both are behaving, the lack of respect does make it hard to envision any type of honest relationship past your actions. If you do genuinely want to remain married to her, you might have to eat humble pie again and be prepared to rehash everything from the past again (that your actions are not done and gone) and be prepared that your wife never forgave you in the first place. She is not right to have done what she has done/is doing but she might have learned from YOU that that type of behaviour is ok. Some people aren't strong enough to walk away from a wrongdoing or an unhealthy relationship and keep themselves intact. She may have her reasons for staying but it's changed her in the process. You both should be prepared to take the relationship down to the bare bones if you both want to make it work but it won't go much further with this type of behaviour or lack of respect.

"Burning her to the ground" will do nothing for you. You have to confront her about the situation, have a serious discussion as to whether you two are willing to continue your relationship or not, and then put in the work if you are both committed.

Let me put it this way. I was 100% faithful in my relationship. My wife was having a physical affair. We are separated now and in the process of divorce, but I am not trashing her in front of her friends or family or seeking revenge. Want to know why? She's not worth the effort, and she is the mother of my child. She is a good mom usually. Revenge will accomplish nothing, even if it made me feel temporarily better for a day. In the end, I am still the one who has to live with the betrayal and try to move on. Focusing on her does not accomplish that.

Thanks Nickel. As badly as I want to make this other guys life a living hell, that will only be short lived enjoyment for me. As much as our individual affairs are similar, they are very much different. My "other woman" was divorced and in another state. Her "other man" is married, lives in a neighborhood near ours, and our kids will go to school together once in middle school.

I think it's time to move on. I'm still young enough to enjoy my 40's and beyond.

I luckily guessed the password to the app she uses to communicate with the . Since my affair, she has always had access to my phone. I have never had a reason to look at her phone so I never asked. I happened to see a message pop up a couple weeks ago and it go me curious so I started searching and have found out a lot. I would really like his wife to find out so I don't have to be the one to "out" them.

Thanks Nickel. As badly as I want to make this other guys life a living hell, that will only be short lived enjoyment for me. As much as our individual affairs are similar, they are very much different. My "other woman" was divorced and in another state. Her "other man" is married, lives in a neighborhood near ours, and our kids will go to school together once in middle school.

 

I think it's time to move on. I'm still young enough to enjoy my 40's and beyond.

I would contact and make the other man's wife aware of the situation. She deserves to know. That isn't burning anyone to the ground. You are helping someone else out.

I simply mean not to go around badmouthing people because it won't do you any favors.

I am going to say that I think it is some form of revenge, and she may be unaware of it. You hurt her and I think she has a "need" to retaliate. It might help her feel better. Not very mature, but hey, that's what I think. I imagine that emotionally cheating on you will help her accept what you did to her. You hurt her/she hurts you. Not saying this is a good approach but I think that's why she did it. Not sure if this makes any sense.

Look at how YOU feel about that other guy and what you considered doing. She, obviously, is very hurt/angry/resentful and one way that she can hurt you back is to hurt you for what you did. I will say that you should seek counselling together. Good luck to both of you.

OP it’s hard to say if this is something she’s doing cause she cannot emotionally connect with you anymore once you were deceitful with her or if she chose an easy password and left her phone out for you to find as some kind of revenge. Why do you even care about the fact that the other man is married? I would think your first thoughts would be about the marriage you and she have. You’re coming from a point of pride and risk of embarrassment because the other guy has connections to your locality and your children instead of thinking about what went wrong in the first place to make you cheat. It seems like you should confront only her, and understand that you are to blame for starting this bad path you both chose to walk. That applies to whether you decide to split or reconcile. There was something/s wrong in your relationship even before you cheated and you’re both at least part of the problem. So even if you’re certain about breaking up, try to be in a humble mindset and stay in that attitude as you present your evidence about what she’s doing. It’s odd that you want forgiveness but are thinking of what collateral damage you can cause. Who knows, maybe she wants out and is just creating a catalyst to make you ask for a divorce. Or maybe her pride is so injured that she cannot accept you again until she makes you fully understand what you did to her sense of everything about your marriage and maybe she would want to restart, renew your relationship.

The therapists you’ve been to.. some are good, very few are miracle workers. So the healing could only occur if you both were committed to it.

100% keep both kids out of it, no matter their age.

No burning anyone to the ground or throwing rocks. You live in a glass house.

Good luck.

Sorry this is happening. Clearly both your and her affairs are only symptoms of bigger problems, in addition to problems in themselves and creating even more problems. You can both snoop, lie, etc however the fact remains that at different times you both have reached outside the marriage for intimacy and sexuality.

You can scan her messages all you want but you're not learning anything new. At this point it's injustice collecting and morbid curiosity, because you already know about it. You're putting a sordid little bandaid on a malignant marriage.

What you can do is finally get to the root of the need for both you and her to step outside the marriage and get your respective thrills either engaging in affairs or playing cat-and-mouse games.

Sounds kind of funny to say "burn them to the ground and ruin them" in the same sentence as "I do love her and we have kids".

All you can do is make an appt with a therapist. First for yourself to discover what's up with your own betrayals and current hatred/anger and then for both of you before you do in fact "burn down and ruin lives" not "them"...but yourself and your wife and most sadly, the lives of your kids.

Several years ago I had an emotional affair with a woman in another state. My wife and I worked it out and stayed together.

 

I recently found out my wife is doing the same thing, except the guy only lives a few miles away. I am keeping up on their messages and they are very sexual, but it does not seem that have met to have sex.

 

do I burn them both to the ground and ruin their lives and reputations? I do love her and we have kids.